Porn, Lies, and Trust...what to do???

[JuStAgIrL31806]

ok, this might be kind of long but here goes:

 

My boyfriend has been looking up porn, i have been having problems with him doing that a while back. I am also going to say that porn was fine with me until he started taking advantage and doing it almost every single night...so then i totally got ****ed, and told him no more, because the sex just went down the drain for both of us. I wasnt getting anything from him, or he was "too tired"....well anyways, 2 nights ago i was online at my house, and he was online at his house and he tells me he is going to bed at 11:30. Well, his homepage is a forum where he talks to people about cars, and it is his homepage and everytime it is opened, it automatically logs him in. Well, about 12:30 i get on that site and signed on to look and see what was going on on the forum...and it said his last sign on was at 12...when he was supposed to go to bed at 11:30. I automatically knew he was jacking off to porn. (keep in mind that when he told me he wasnt going to do it anymore, i trusted him and he told me he wasnt doing it anymore when i would frequently ask and it was the end...he would also get very mad at me for asking...strange huh?)...well, the next day i go to his house and i asked him if he jacked off, and he said no. Well, i get on his computer, and of course all of the history is erased, and he NEVER does that unless there is something he is hiding...of course. He went back to work, and i signed in on messenger and he got on messenger. I asked him again, "did you jack off last night"...he says no...well, that went on a while and i told him that he is just digging his hole deeper by lying to me, when i know for a fact that he was lying. He asked me how I knew he was lying and i said, "i just know"...I had a gut feeling. Well, he then admits that he jacked off and that he did not look at porn, well i was really ****ed at this point because i knew he was lying, and i was like, "I am tired of your lying, and i am through with you...im tired of the lies and you hiding everything from me"...i got offline and was crying until he got home. He came home and laid in his bed, and I wouldnt look at him...after 30 minutes of being home, he grabs my arm and said, "come here" he hugged me and said, "im sorry" and i said, "for what" and he said, "you know what"...so he told me he did look up porn.

 

Okay, this is his reason for looking up porn. he said, "the only reason i lied is because you dont trust me anyways"... * * *?!?!?! that really ****ed me off...how is that going to help me trust if you KEEP ON LYING!?!...but i kept my cool and didnt say anything, and i acted happy...and he told me to trust him and quit asking him questions.

 

Well, like i said, before everyone starts getting defensive because i dont want him looking at porn, he did it entirely too much...it wouldnt have bothered me if it wasnt every single night, or every other night.

 

He also got mad because i listened to his voice mail on his phone... * * *??

 

In a relationship...i thought you werent supposed to hide stuff! I thought you were supposed to be completely honest and tell each other everything! It wasnt like it was a bad message that I couldnt hear anyways!!

 

Anyways, I have had it where I just about cant take it anymore and I need to know what to do, please someone help me with this...how do I get him to open up to me?! How can I make him talk to me about things? How can i get him to understand that I am not going to judge him? PLEASEEE HELP ME!!!

[JuStAgIrL31806]

also what made me really mad were the lies, lying is something that really pisses me off, it would have been a LOT better if he would have just told the truth in the first place...UGHHH!!!

[Cloud802]

Well, I suggest you find the free time in both your schedules and sit down and talk with him. If he can't be open with you after coaxing then I suggest you get counseling for your relationship. You're right though, it seems like he is taking way too much of an advantage with it, and it isn't right at all. Tell him that that he needs to chill out and open up to you if he wants you to trust him. If you talking to him and counseling doesn't help then I don't know what to say.

[Dimruthien]

what does it matter if he looks at porn or jacks off? lots of guys do it, hell lots of girls do it. -I- do it. If hes neglecting you in a relationship then thats his problem and shouldnt be attributed to porn or how often he masturbates. dont get defensive and dont attack him. swallow your anger and have a mature, adult conversation with him.

 

also you should consider that another part of being in a relationship is free will. do not tell him what he is or isnt allowed to do. you wouldnt like it if he did it to you.

 

also, dont stalk him on the internet and respect his privacy.. dont read his txt msgs or listen to his voicemail.. thats private and personal and really isnt your place to be looking or listening.. respect him and he will do the same to you..

 

good luck

[MI_Shell]

It is only normal to be annoyed by having your partner look at porn. People can kid themselves that this is ok but being honest with your partner is very important. Always remember that if your partner has an obsession with porn that it is a personal problem that he is facing and will need to overcome and has no reflection on the desirability of the partner. Not all men (or women)need it and you can certainly have a healthy sex life without it!

[Cloud802]

Yes, but do not forget, as long as he/she are not taking it over their sex lives then everything should be fine, and from what you say that's what is happening here. As I have said before, my girlfriend and I have a very healthy relationship that has been going for two and a half years now, and it's long distance too. I look at hentai and porn all the time, almost every day, I do not masturbate to it every day however, and I don't let it get in the way of talking to my girlfriend.

 

I guess it depends more on the person themselves then what they're looking at.

 

 

[WildChild]

what does it matter if he looks at porn or jacks off? lots of guys do it, hell lots of girls do it. -I- do it. If hes neglecting you in a relationship then thats his problem and shouldnt be attributed to porn or how often he masturbates. dont get defensive and dont attack him. swallow your anger and have a mature, adult conversation with him

 

I have to disagree with this comment. I have the same situation myself and I am a pretty open minded person. I too didn't give a rip that he looked at porn and have even suggested we did it together and his response is always some dumb comment about how porn is stupid. However he continues to go to interactive porn sites and lies about it each and every time no matter how I approach it. To say that neglecting her is his problem, no it isn't. Why should anyone of us be turned down for sex because our partners would rather "get off" to a computer screen than have sex with their partner? If it didn't effect the sex life that would be one thing, but when sex becomes few and far between it obviously is going to effect the relationship. And to say that masterbating/porn shouldn't be attributed to lack of sex is ridiculous. That's like saying you shouldn't be full after eating a 7 course meal?! I'm actually offended by this. I am young, attractive and sexual. Why shouldn't I get the pleasure of being the one to get my man off? People are going to masterbate etc...but sex and romance is one of the biggest things in a relationship that should be intimate. Not something you hide away to please yourself leaving your partner with nothing. I bet you would change your tune if it was you being turned down all of the time. If a person has to resort to only masterbating to gain sexual fulfillment, why be in a relationship at all?

[Boricua7]

There is only something wrong with looking at porn if it is affecting your sex life. Many men look at porn. It is only when looking at porn begins to hinder the relationship that there is something wrong with it.

 

"Why should anyone of us be turned down for sex because our partners would rather "get off" to a computer screen than have sex with their partner?"

 

I, for one, think that a lot of the time people turn to porn as a way to "get off" because when it is just them they can focus on themselves and be selfish. This isn't necessarily a bad thing unless, again, it is hindering your sex life with your partner.

 

I think the main reason he keeps things from you is because he knows you will not be understanding; he knows you will yell and scream at him and he wants to avoid it for as long as possible. He is not going to stop doing something if he does not believe he is doing anything wrong. You both need to take time out of your schedules and sit down and talk (probably for a long time).

[zeldas]

Hi,

 

I posted a similar thread last night, (Porn...Chat rooms)

 

I had some very good advice, maybe you should read these.

 

I am still at a loss as what to do......

 

Regards

Zeldas

[novaseeker]

Porn is problematic where either

 

(1) it impacts a couple's intimacy (ie, he is laying off real sex with his partner in favor of porn_;

(2) it leads to lying; and

(3) the woman really dislikes porn.

 

In any of those cases, it leads to issues. If a guy is looking at porn so much that he prefers it to real sex, then he needs therapy about that, because it will be problematic for all his relationships. If however his porn use is such that he has a regular, satisfying sex life with his partner, it becomes an issue of compatibility: in other words, in that situation, if the woman still dislikes porn (and many women do for various reasons), it's more an issue of compatibility. In any case, it's unlikely that a guy who liks to look at porn will change and stop looking at porn.

[JuStAgIrL31806]

Wild Child, I completely agree with you, her post did tick me off, but I wasnt going to say anything. Also, today I have been mad all day, but not because of porn, today we were at his house, and we were talking about how one of our friends that got married started gaining weight, and my boyfriend made a rude comment, and I said, "so what are you going to do if I gain weight"...and I wasnt even talking about marriage, and my boyfriend replies, "who said we were getting married"...right in front of his mom and best friend...needless to say I looked like an idiot and I was very ****ed off. Then when they left, I said something to him about it, and he said he didnt want his mama thinking we were, and that it isnt written in stone that we are getting married...so yeah, i have been bothered by that all day...especially since his mom laughed when he said that, I am so tired of her it isnt funny!!!

 

Anyways, back to the porn subject, thanks everybody, this went better than I thought people would take it!! I still havent said anything to him about it, i was planning on it today, until I got mad at him and we had to go somewhere with some friends...its also been all about his friends lately...I mean, this past two months i havent spent one weekend with him without the friends...

[Dimruthien]

maybe it ticked you off but you asked for advice and i answered honestly. if you didnt like what i wrote then disregard it. simple as that.

[Dako]

I can understand some young guy having excess capacity for sex and rubbing his nub, but being rude and obnoxious is another matter.

It sounds like you two have more than porn to cope with.