Need Advice Getting Over Girlfriends Past

[cochise5]

Hello all, as you can tell by my posts I am new to this board. I came accross it while surfing trying to find some advice………….Anyways, I thought I would post here. I see there is a lot of posts here in regards to accepting a girlfriends past, but I am having difficulty doing it and wanted to give a rundown of my situation to see if anyone here has advice or comments……….So here it goes……

 

i am 36 years old, I was married quite young (20), I was basically happy throughout my marriage, until a few years back and we ended up separating. I have been single for about 4 years now and started dating a girl about 8 months ago. She is a fantastic girl, lots of fun to be around and our sex life is beyond amazing. But…………….

 

I always knew we were raised differently, I mean I am from a small town and have lived there most of my life, she is from a very big city and has only moved here 9 years ago. I knew from stories she has told me that she definitely lead a different lifestyle than I did, out clubbing every weekend and stuff like that. Anyways we had the inevitable past relationship talk. She is 40 years old and has never had a real serious relationship, always out partying with friends when she was in her mid to late 20's. She used to be in the whole club scene and for a year or so got into doing ecstasy among other things, practically every other weekend.

 

Anyways she finally told me that she had slept with 20-25 guys maximum (which I do believe her when she tells me). The number I can kind of deal with, but my problem is the fact that most were within a 2 year period or so and all mostly one night (or one weekend) stands with guys she met while out with friends. She ended up in a semi-serious relationship when she was about 29 and became pregnant. After she had her baby, 9 years ago, she completely changed her life and just lives for her daughter and is a fantastic mother. Since her daughter was born she pretty much gave up dating and has not done any type of drugs for over 10 years now. Over the past 10 years she has only dated 3 other guys before me, two were just blind date set ups which didn't work out and she never slept with them, and one which she did start to see and slept with. That relationship was off and on for about a year or so and ended about 3 months before she met me.

 

I know her past shouldn't bother me, but it is driving me insane. She is almost 40 and has been with 20-25 guys in her life. I have been only the second guy she has slept with within the past 10 years, but yet her past is always on my mind. Whenever we are out and I have had a few drinks I start thinking about what she might be doing if I wasn't there , "would she try to pick up that guy", "would she go home with that guy?", "she is starring at that guy", all this stupid stuff.

 

I have talked to her about it and she knows it bother me a lot, but she just keeps telling me "it was just sex, I have never felt what I feel now with you".

 

Am I nuts, should I just accept it and move on? I am not naïve, I am not looking for or expecting to meet a virgin or anything at my age, I would fully expect that at 39 she would have been with 10, 15, or even 20 guys. But what bothers me is the fact that 80% of the guys she slept with were one night (or one weekend) stands all within a 2 year period…………….I keep thinking while she was out having not even thinking about the future I was married, went to school, got a good job. Now I am the one taking care of a girl that some guys look at as a club slvt………..

 

I should point out, that including her I have slept with 6 women. But remember that I was married when I was 20 and with one woman for over 13 years in total.

 

She is a great girl and I don't want to lose her, but I know if I don't come to grips with this and get over it I will lose her.

[RayKay]

I think it's rather unfair to be holding against her something that happened over 10-15 years ago, long before you were around.

 

Every one has a past, their past is part of them, but does not define them. She may have been dealing with low self esteem, depression, whom knows. It sounds like motherhood really changed her, along with experience, age, maturity.

 

I would say you should either accept her past, and put it IN the past, and accept whom she is NOW, or let her go. If you cannot accept it, it's truly unfair to resent her for it and keep her around when she could be with someone whom will accept it.

 

Yes, you have different backgrounds, but that does not mean one is better then the other. Maybe she had a hard time knowing you had been married and divorced for example, none of us are perfect, people whom live in glass houses should not throw stones and all that.

 

It does not sound like she cheated, or treats relationships callously if she tells you she is so into you.

 

Look at whom she has been the last 10+ years, how she is NOW, as an indicator of whom she is.

[hosswhispra]

Am I nuts, should I just accept it and move on? I am not naïve, I am not looking for or expecting to meet a virgin or anything at my age, I would fully expect that at 39 she would have been with 10, 15, or even 20 guys. But

She is a great girl and I don’t want to lose her, but I know if I don’t come to grips with this and get over it I will lose her.

 

 

Not all women in their 30's have been with 10, 15 or even 20 guys....I am 31 and I have been with zero

 

 

But your girlfriend's past is just that---the past---you say she is a great girl and you don't want to lose her---but you will--if you continue to let her past bother you.

[cochise5]

Not all women in their 30's have been with 10, 15 or even 20 guys....I am 31 and I have been with zero

 

Really?? Where do you live??.................LOL

[livin easy]

Ugh i feel ya man. im in a simular situtation. my girlfriend lived in a fashion that im not thrilled about. drugs guys etc.. she too had a child and got her life together. she is an amazing person and mother.

 

its really tough i drive my self crazy thnking about it. ive only slept with 3 girls including my current girlfriend, and had a short pot smoking phase. so in short i dont really have a past. my girlfriend can hear discontent in my voice and demeanor ever since i found out about her past. i see her in a diffrent light now...and i HATE it!! i still love her and i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but i need to somehow accept her past.

im trying so hard not to mess things up.

i love her so much

 

please keep the advise on this topic coming

[livin easy]

i know i need to let the past go

 

what i need to know is how.

[repto]

cochise5,

 

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

 

Appreciate it very much!