Another night with the ex.

[nataliejulie]

I just saw him a week ago. The night went well but ended awful. It seems every time things start to go well, he is reminded of this anger he has towards me. Since then, he has told a very close friend of mine that he still is in love with me, he still cares about me, yet every single time he thinks of me, it's a mixture of anxiety and love.

A few days before this, on NYE, he was depressed about how he "wished" things could have worked out, how it was a "shame", and how he wished we went about things"differently".

 

We speak almost every day, through text or phone. However, this time around, I've been different about it. I'm letting go of the pushing I've done so much, I'm letting him figure out what makes him comfortable without trying to "make" him. He actually went out of his way the other night to text me a few times the whole night he was out with his friends (even his friend texted me jokes).

 

Yesterday, friendly texts were going back and forth again. He actually called me twice in the afternoon. Our conversations have been a lot different -- he's been more open, cracking jokes, friendly and not as aggressive as he usually is. And for a first time in months, he actually initiated us seeing each other last night. Not even that, on top of things, a very close childhood friend of his is missing after a canoeing trip the night before (saw this on the news and was shocked beyond belief). I was very complimented he chose me for someone to lean on.

 

We had a great time, as usual. He was happy to get Christmas gifts from me and seemed a little more comfortable around me than he was before. I, however, intiated a kiss which led to me staying the night. Though, I did tell him, if he really didn't want me to, if he felt bad, and if he wasn't at all comfortable, I am totally fine with going home. (Because a week ago, he said it might be a bad idea to keep hanging out together, but since then, our communication and friendship has imrpoved greatly)

 

To make matters worse, his roommate hates me. So much that my ex is terrified of him finding out we are speaking or even seeing each other. I had to hide the fact I was even in the apartment. Did have another great night, cuddled the whole night, very sweet.

 

This time, I plan on not doing what is expected of me -- which is instantly being a cling-on and putting on the pressure. I left him one text today, wishing him well and if he needed anyone I'm here (about his friend).

 

I guess this is more of a rant. Any insight of any kind is appreciated. I know a few of you have been following my story, and to everyone's dis-liking, doing NC is out of the question. The relationship falling apart was my fault, if I do NC, that's what he will always remember. What he needs to see now is someone who is caring, willing to make it work and someone who isn't looking for a fight. Baby steps, right?

[DN]

Why does his roommate hate you? And why does your b/f care what he thinks?

[nikkers04]

I agree babysteps....and congrats on talking again. All you can do is be patient...but if you are like me being patient is like the end of the universe...practically impossible. Just keep up the the light contact because I know its hard to do nc and it sounds as if he likes your company and is glad your back to talk.

 

Good luck

[nataliejulie]

Why does his roommate hate you? And why does your b/f care what he thinks?

 

His roommate is the type of guy who likes to get his business into everything. My ex always told me about things he said about me, because his friend is known to talk about people behind their backs. This led to an argument, that led us to not speaking to each other.

 

I think my ex is more concerned about the drama. He said last night -- "I'm afraid he'll see you. If he does, he'll put up a fight and embarrass the hell out of both of us. I don't want to deal with the stress of that." So I can see now where he's coming from.

[nataliejulie]

I agree babysteps....and congrats on talking again. All you can do is be patient...but if you are like me being patient is like the end of the universe...practically impossible. Just keep up the the light contact because I know its hard to do nc and it sounds as if he likes your company and is glad your back to talk.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks, nikkers. Patience is my #1 problem. I'm someone who needs all the answers right now and hates all those loose ends.

 

 

He has a very hard way with dealing with things. Like his friend who passed away, he's angry about it. He replaces anger with any softer side of emotion.

[Orlander]

I think we are all assuming that the kiss led to something else that led to spending the night. Did you two talk about that and are you both comfortable with it?

[Anthony M]

 

I think my ex is more concerned about the drama. He said last night -- "I'm afraid he'll see you. If he does, he'll put up a fight and embarrass the hell out of both of us. I don't want to deal with the stress of that." So I can see now where he's coming from.

 

julie, I think it's time to start dating men. Your ex is still a boy. He needs permission from his roommate to see you?

[nataliejulie]

I think we are all assuming that the kiss led to something else that led to spending the night. Did you two talk about that and are you both comfortable with it?

 

We were always that couple that could never keep our hands off each other.

So yes, you are right. Kissing led to cuddling which led to making love to which to me staying the night. We did not talk about it. We rarely do. Every time we start being intimate, I become an emotional, pressuring mess towards him. Last week, he did say "we probably shouldn't hang out anymore. This is probably not good for either of us." Yet, we did again. But this time, after paying for an $80.00 dinner (I had to add that in because he's never spent that much money on me in our lives together!), after nice company and a sweet kiss, I did tell him and ask; "If you do not feel comfortable at all, if you are doubting this, if you really don't feel good about us spending time together, I am okay with going home." He welcomed me in, instead.

[nataliejulie]

julie, I think it's time to start dating men. Your ex is still a boy. He needs permission from his roommate to see you?

 

 

He just doesn't want to turn the living situation into hell because of me. His roommate is as mature as a 13 yr old boy. He would turn this into something bigger than it is.

[annie24]

aaackk!!! You're still talking to this train-wreck of a man!?!?!?!

[Itsok]

Natalie, why are you bothering with this guy? I read through your old posts and it just seems that he uses you and treats you well when he wants to (when it's convenient) and then when something better comes along you get thrown to the curb. ](*,)

 

Why bother with him? This has gone on since August and it's really hasn't improved since then.

 

I know you say you are comfortable with everything, but how much are you willing to give this guy without exclusiveness? How do you know he isn't out with someone else? He has been before.

 

To be honest, from your posts it seems he is just a player who enjoys the chase. When you chase him, he's not interested. When you give up, he comes crawling back again.

 

Personally I think you should just forget this guy. A relationship shouldn't be a lot of bone crushing work to keep together.

 

If he's really the one for you, he will commit and there won't be any further break ups or huge rifts. I wouldn't let him get you into bed whenever he wants and then not have a relationship. That's awfully convenient for him. He's single and still having sex. Every man's dream.

 

Don't let yourself get hurt again.

[cb2000]

Run Away From This Guy He Is Not Good For You.

[nataliejulie]

I know everyone is trying to help. I appreciate everything. But sometimes it's so hard to write on this site without someone jumping to saying "NC!" or "RUN AWAY" without knowing history on the relationship.

 

I hurt him. I hurt him so bad it might even be unrepairable. You guys think/tell me he's no good for me. To be honest, the way I was, I'm no good for him. I've put him through so much hell for months, only for him to stay with me and still support me, even though I was being awful. No, I've never cheated. What have I done, I regret whole heartedly. There was even a night, I started an awful fight and I tore up every love letter infront of his face, kicking him out of the apartment. Those few months I was dealing with a lot in my life, made me take this all out on the one person who really loved me and that was him.

 

I drove him to break up with me. He had no choice. If he never did, it probably would have not even of changed. I made him miserable every single day for a few months and I did not care. Even though he tried time and again to help, stay, repair... I still remained a selfish human being.

 

 

If I were him, I wouldn't even want to speak to me anymore. I wouldn't even say I still loved me anymore, but he does. Use me? Who knows. Treats me bad? After things I've done, he owes me nothing.

 

He is absolutely terrified of me. I don't blame him. He is terrified that I will put him through hell and back, make him miserable and hurt him all over again. He can't wake up tomorrow morning and forgive me. This is a process and I have accepted that since day one.

 

So everything you tell me, he hears the same about me. Yet, we are still here. I didn't do just one mistake, I did plenty. I did 5 months worth of pain to him. This kind of thing isn't so easy to just accept.

[melrich]

Why did you put him through 5 months of pain?

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie.....

 

Look back at the posts you have written. You say he is "terrified" of you, and "scared of what you'll do...but yet he will still have sex with you. Hmmmm...sounds like an excuse to keep you at bay while still getting what he wants from you. Personally , the LAST thing someone I am 'terrified" of is going to do, is SLEEP with me!!! I am not trying to be harsh, but look at it from OUR viewpoint. Since August you have posted about this tumultuous, unstable relationship...loving him one day, hating him the next......him screaming at you...then you claiming it's all YOUR fault when he decides to be sweet. I truly can't give you any advice because I don't even know what story to believe!!!

[redandblack]

I understand that you feel that you messed up and need to prove it to him, but having sex with him is not a good way to do it. I think it will end up hurting YOU and that is all that really matters.

[nataliejulie]

Melrich -- I went through really tough times for a few months. I had absolutely no friends (that's how bad I was, they abandoned me, but yet he stayed) I have a hard time coping and have the habit of taking it out on the ones closest to me.

 

 

Lady Bugg -- Even when he's screaming at me, I know it's my fault. He has built up so much tension and resentment towards me by the way I treated him months ago, he has the right to be angry.

 

 

Everyone told me he was using me back in September - October when we were dating exclusively again. Even though I spent time with his family, his friends, co-workers, he even considered me his girlfriend.

 

I understand where everyone is coming from. I do. He very well may be using me, but it also may very well be his own way of trying learn how to trust me again, to be comfortable with me again. None of us know.

[Lady Bugg]

Natalie...I can tell you love this guy. I feel your pain. What we want is what's best for YOU..and if you continue putting yourself into postions to hurt yourself...ie, sleeping with him with no commitment, then you're just going to keep pulling that scab off.

 

Even if you DO contine seeing him, cut off the sex. Being intimate with people ALWAYS clouds your judgement. Just be his friend.If you really want to gain his trust then don't manipulate the situation with sex.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[selfi]

Natalie I think its time you stop beating yourself up for the things you did in the past. Im sure you have apologised to him him about it, and why would he even hang around you if he hadnt already forgiven you?

 

From your posts I can see that you have really been trying so hard to work on things you did that hindered your relationship, so now you two should just be starting fresh, not from the mess you left off in months ago.

 

Judging by your commitment, he must essentially be a really great guy with all the effort you are putting in. So I have confidence that whatever steps you are taking will only make you both happy in the long run.

 

But I do agree with everybody else here, to stop having sex with him until he says he wants to be your bf again. You know why, and you know its for the best.

 

take care

[redandblack]

Natalie...I can tell you love this guy. I feel your pain. What we want is what's best for YOU..and if you continue putting yourself into postions to hurt yourself...ie, sleeping with him with no commitment, then you're just going to keep pulling that scab off.

 

Even if you DO contine seeing him, cut off the sex. Being intimate with people ALWAYS clouds your judgement. Just be his friend.If you really want to gain his trust then don't manipulate the situation with sex.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

I was just going to suggest this.

 

We care and can see that this is going to hurt you a lot in the long run. I think you have a MUCH better chance by simply being his friend. Maybe you can try to patch things up between you and the room mate? If he has any heart, he should understand if you tell him that it hurts you too much to have sex with him.

[melrich]

I went through really tough times for a few months. I had absolutely no friends (that's how bad I was, they abandoned me, but yet he stayed) I have a hard time coping and have the habit of taking it out on the ones closest to me.

 

So are you now over all those issues? Is your life back on track and you are happy (aside from the b/f issue)?

[DN]

Three questions:

 

What do you want from him? - think about it carefully.

 

What does he want from you? Have you asked him? If not, make your best guess.

 

How do you think you can both get what you want?

[cb2000]

Natalie I know the history of your story here not the relationship I know you have a big heart and really like this guy but it just sounds like your relationship together is toxic for both of you. When I hear you say things like "Even when he's screaming at me, I know it's my fault" it makes me think of some one excusing their abuser. It makes me uneasy to think that you can accept his behavior as justified. I know you want it to work and that only you really know the situation. He has to forgive you at some point for anything to happen. It is your life you live it as you see fit.

[octopus]

Natalie, melrich is right. Are you over those issues? Because unfortunately if you go back exactly where you left it, it won't be any different. Sure, time has gone forward, and people tend to forget things in time, but other issues that haven't been dealt with may come up again. How are you feeling? At least now that you're aware you've put him thru so much AND he's still there, I'd say go forward, but I hope it won't end for the same reasons.

[nataliejulie]

I love you all very dearly, really. I don't know what I would do without support.

 

I gave it some thought. I can't stress to you guys how much effort I've put forth in the past 5 months. I'm at the point where there's not much left I could do.

 

I'm going to stop putting my life on hold for him. I'll be nothing but a friend, nothing more. No sex, no nothing. To be honest, the sex makes me feel even worse.

 

He doesn't know what he wants. He knows he's not losing me, so it prolongs him from making a decision. It's like having a big project with no due date, you kind of put it off because you don't "feel" like the stress, the work. If it has a due date, you work your hardest to get the best results. I may have done a lot of wrong in the past, but I've spent the last 5 months almost to the point of kissing his feet.