Time to MOVE ON!

[thoughts]

Seriously, this is eating at me. You're in a relationship and you split up. He or she moves on and is dating someone else - HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT and leave him/her ALONE. It's ridiculous. Like the Mariah Carey song they play on the radio day in and day out - giving people UNREALISTIC hope. Mariah - if he's moved on, he's NOT thinking about you, you are NOT the one, the new girl is. GEEZ - is it that difficult.

 

I've been there - crying daily, hanging on to ANY thread of possibility that one of my ex's and I (at the time) would get back together. All of whom I broke up with in the first place. But, then they move on (doesn't matter if after or before me) and the realization that I wasn't their LOVE of their life.

 

I 100% agree with NO CONTACT. I've had ex's from 5 yrs ago call me recently. I live with someone, they live with someone. He just wanted to talk. The four of us have hung out since, and it's GREAT. We can all be friends - no tension, no BS. But, I will tell you - when this guy and I broke up, I hated that he moved on and would have done ANYTHING to get him back. I was awful to her - who is STILL his girlfriend - I apologized and realized that we are SO MUCH ALIKE, it's sickening! But, I had to grow up.

 

That's what this post is. To all of you EX'S out there who want their woman/man back - NO CONTACT - ESPECIALLY if he/she has moved on. GROW UP! There's a reason you broke up - the relationship wasn't great AND there are millions of other people out there who, by fixating on your ex, you are completely blind to.

[causeeffect]

Did you say you broke it off. It is about having the upper hand (power game). You can't stand the fact that person who's heart you broke has moved on. You want him to pine and beg to have you back. Your ego has been brused. I don't think you really want him back because you love him, but for the fact that you realized he can move on without you. If you did get him back, in time you would dump him again. It is good you are realizing what you are doing. Like you said it is time to grow up and stop being so selfish. Stop playing games!

[blueangel]

I suggest buying the Happy Bunny's book on love. It gives you quite a perspective. The one thing I actually did get out of it is to write down all of the ways that your ex sucked and you will feel better and know you can do better.

 

By the way, while in a breakup that you know has to happen, why not help the other person and encourage them to move on? That way it's support and not so much about competition and ways to win him back or have someone else. A better friendship can bloom from that than long periods of isolation and hate.

 

In a way, Mariah's song is a little right when she says nothing compares to your first true love- but only because you're experiencing everything for the first time. First times are always memorable but dont always have to be extendable or forever. Especially if it DID turn bad.

[thoughts]

i live with my boyfriend and we are going to get married - the only thing i can't get over is WHY his ex and my ex's can NOT leave us alone. it sickens me. how many times do you tell someone to stop calling and good luck, but it's time to move on? i am not the person you should be turning to anymore. by the 10th time, i just want to say, "you are making a FOOL out of yourself!"

 

that's why NC is best for those people. i just think it is wrong to encourage people to think NC is for the ex to miss you and want you back... NC is for the hurt person to move on with their life.

 

if your man/woman is with someone new - LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!! picture yourself in a happy relationship with some crazy ex calling or texting or e-mailing - it's unnecessary stress and potential arguments. NOT COOL!

[blueangel]

lol Maybe you should be a little more compassionate. People arent just things to throw away. When someone needs help, they need help. If it wasnt your ex, you would answer that call. And so you should. Support is never the same as encouragement. Support is the best way to lead someone on with their life. Ignorance just calls for more desperation! lol

[Boricua7]

if your man/woman is with someone new - LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!! picture yourself in a happy relationship with some crazy ex calling or texting or e-mailing - it's unnecessary stress and potential arguments. NOT COOL!

 

You're right. An ex that won't go away is never fun. Like blueangel said, maybe you need to be a little bit more understanding. Your post just sounds like you being P-Oed because someone is cutting into your happiness. Maybe you should be less selfish. Other people have feelings too you know.

[kellbell]

Hi there thoughts,

 

Although I agree with most of your post...some of it I found to be a little harsh and insensative...

 

"That's what this post is. To all of you EX'S out there who want their woman/man back - NO CONTACT - ESPECIALLY if he/she has moved on. GROW UP! There's a reason you broke up - the relationship wasn't great AND there are millions of other people out there who, by fixating on your ex, you are completely blind to."

 

Telling people to grow up like that is kind of mean. We are here to support one another and be respectful towards one another. Sometimes it's hard to move on from an ex when the ex keeps lurking around, calling, texting, emailing, saying, "I want to be friends"...basically giving the dumpee all kinds of mixed signals. This seems to be a pervasive pattern that shows up here. This makes it extremely difficult for the dumpee to know what to do or how to think, especially when his or her emotions are all in a mess. That is what this site and others like it is for. Sometimes it's hard to move on when the dumper makes it very difficult to do so.

 

Yes, I am a firm believer in NC, it works wonders but we need to be kind and respectful towards other people's situations.

[karen95]

Not all people hassel their ex's. And i don't think that you are being very fair. People come to this forum for friendship and support (which i did a few months ago when my ex and i broke up). And reading a post like that where you seem to be giving out to them, is not very nice.

And sometimes people do get back together with their ex's and it does last. i will agree that it does not happen all that often but it still does happen.

 

And its not nice to refer to people who have been dumped and are hurting as "those people". It almost make you sound like you think that you are better than them or something!!!!

[AlwaysNeedHelp]

Hi,

 

Hope is a good thing.. If you broke up with your partner and you still have hope... Sometimes it a good thing to have hope and it makes miracles.. But there is a difference between keeping your ex in the corner of your head and go on with your life but still have hope.. and keeping your ex in the centre of your head and thinking about him all the time..

 

You can move on and still have hope.. However it depends on the situation.. Some relations doesnt even give a space for hope.. Others can be a little more flexible.. and yeah NC is a good strategy..

 

( I dont know it seems to me iam writing out of the topic, but i like what i said anyways )

[thoughts]

any guy i have broken up with has gotten the same courtesy. and i am, for the most part, friends with all of my ex's.

 

two relationships ago - i lived with a guy for about 2 1/2 years. we broke up and remained friends, although it was hard for both of us. i met someone first and when i did, i met my ex and sat him down and told him i had met someone and i made him part of me moving on. i cried more than him, i think. when he finally moved on a few months later - he didn't extend the same courtesy - in fact, i found out he was dating this woman and when i asked him, he told me he wasn't and tried to kick it to me...on more than one occasion. when i found out he, in fact, did have a girlfriend - i was sickened by his behaviour. and i understand that it is far more difficult to get over someone when they lie to you and tell you they still love you or that they refuse to tell you they have moved on. that's their immaturity - but, i understand from experience how it can effect one's ability to move on.

 

my current man's ex - i hate to admit it - but, he pulled the disappearing act on his ex. he never really broke up with her. we've been together since march 1st and she thinks they broke up in june. we moved in together june 1st and she didn't know we were dating til a little more than a month ago. she ran into a mutual friend.

 

she asked the mutual friend, "is it really true that J & E are dating?"

 

the mutual friend said, "uh, yeah - they are living together!"

 

his ex said, "well, i knew they were living together, but when did they start dating?"

 

the mutual friend said, "you're not really that dumb?"

 

i KNOW what he did was wrong - disrespectful, etc. etc. and he understands that now. it doesn't make it right. and i get why she would want closure - everyone wants closure. but, sometimes you just don't get what you want.

 

none of this is an excuse for her to call him and leave crying hysterical messages on his phone - "i hate you! you told me you loved me! you told me we were going to get married! why are you with her?"

 

and then some time passes and now she e-mails him, "haven't spoken to you in a while. just wanted to know how you are doing?" or calls him, leaving a very normal message, "hey, it's me! give me a call back when you get this."

 

SHE'S CRAZY! she KNOWS we live together and we are planning to get married - he said if he calls her back or responds she will think that is progress - I UNDERSTAND COMPASSIONATE - and i am for how he handled the situation, which is why i gave it some time - but, come on - NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON!

[karen95]

I am after reading your other post and i am very sorry that your boyf ex is bothering you for 10 months. and i know that you are supicious about the phones calls but they were very short, and if she has been bothering your ex for 10 months and he did not want anything to with her, i'm sure that he won't now.

 

BUT not all dumpee's hassel their ex's. a lot go into NC, like i did, to heal themselves. and some like to hope that their may be a chance of a reconcilation. and even people that do contact their ex's are usually very hurt and confused and i think that you should understand that.

[Boricua7]

It is time to move on but it is unfair to her that she has no closure. He told her he loved her, he told her (like he has told you) that he intended on marrying her. She's confused and has the right to try to figure things out.

 

I don't know if I'd want to be with someone who was as inconsiderate with another person's feelings as your man seems to be. How would you feel if he did this to you?

[RayKay]

I think you are being a TAD harsh on her.

 

Sure, a push for closure is often futile, butif he understands how "wrong" it was and disrespectful how come your bf has never at least said to her...."look, I cheated on you, I moved in with *thoughts* in June...it's over.....please leave me alone".

 

She is calling because she really has no idea even what happened...he told her he wanted to marry her, then next thing she knows he has disappeared, and is living with someone else. Put yourself in her shoes.

 

He never even had the decency to let her know he was breaking it off....that's just cruel. Or even now just to answer and tell her it's over.

 

I don't think she's crazy, I think she's sad and heartbroken. Everyone heals on their own terms and timeframe. And well, when you get involved with someone whom is CHEATING on their partner, and moves in with you before it is even over....I think it's a big risk that you are taking that it's not going to mean the ex is cleanly out of their life.

[lgirl]

thoughts - don't be surprised if he does EXACTLY the same to you. you are being very naive if you think he's going to treat you any differently!! i'm not surprised his ex hates him - i would too!! that is a despicable and cowardly thing he did. how can you be with someone who treats another woman so badly???

[BellaDonna]

Seriously, this is eating at me. You're in a relationship and you split up. He or she moves on and is dating someone else - HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT and leave him/her ALONE. It's ridiculous. Like the Mariah Carey song they play on the radio day in and day out - giving people UNREALISTIC hope. Mariah - if he's moved on, he's NOT thinking about you, you are NOT the one, the new girl is. GEEZ - is it that difficult.

 

It's funny you say that. This morning I made the mistake of listening to the radio (I usually opt for CD's)- and heard that song a total of 3 times in an hour. I was thinking what a destructive, annoying song it is- not only is it irritating to listen to- but it probably sends people who are hurting and experiencing breakups into desperate states of mind. That song gets under my skin. I think it's so popular because so many people are relating to it- holding on to that often unrealisitc hope that you described.

 

BellaDonna

[PrincessLinzay]

I agree with RayKay.

 

I don't think she's nuts, I just think she's heartbroken and confused. Everyone responds differently to heartbreak. Apparently she is having difficulty moving on, especially with the circumstances surrounding her breakup with your current beau. It's all well and good that he has acknowledged that the way he broke it off with her was wrong, but since she still has no idea what happened, it's pretty natural that she's been harboring feelings for awhile now.

 

Some people are able to just move on after a breakup, no calls, no sappy emails, just solid NC. Others can't help themselves from calling repeatedly, begging, emailing, texting, et cetera. While those of us who are able to be successful with NC may perceive this as pathetic, it doesn't change anything. That's the way they deal with it. Eventually she will move on, it just might take her longer than it takes others.

 

Hang in there. I know exes can be a big pain, but since you know he's with you now, no cause for concern.

[moondog627]

Wow, I was actually kind of with you at first but things are starting to get a little shaky here....

 

i met someone first and when i did, i met my ex and sat him down and told him i had met someone and i made him part of me moving on. i cried more than him, i think. when he finally moved on a few months later - he didn't extend the same courtesy - in fact, i found out he was dating this woman and when i asked him, he told me he wasn't and tried to kick it to me...on more than one occasion. when i found out he, in fact, did have a girlfriend - i was sickened by his behaviour.

 

My first question is, why are both of you even telling each other about moving on to someone new when you're already broken up?

 

 

my current man's ex - i hate to admit it - but, he pulled the disappearing act on his ex. he never really broke up with her. we've been together since march 1st and she thinks they broke up in june. we moved in together june 1st and she didn't know we were dating til a little more than a month ago. she ran into a mutual friend.

 

 

she asked the mutual friend, "is it really true that J & E are dating?"

 

the mutual friend said, "uh, yeah - they are living together!"

 

his ex said, "well, i knew they were living together, but when did they start dating?"

 

the mutual friend said, "you're not really that dumb?"

 

i KNOW what he did was wrong - disrespectful, etc. etc. and he understands that now. it doesn't make it right. and i get why she would want closure - everyone wants closure. but, sometimes you just don't get what you want.

 

none of this is an excuse for her to call him and leave crying hysterical messages on his phone - "i hate you! you told me you loved me! you told me we were going to get married! why are you with her?"

 

and then some time passes and now she e-mails him, "haven't spoken to you in a while. just wanted to know how you are doing?" or calls him, leaving a very normal message, "hey, it's me! give me a call back when you get this."

 

SHE'S CRAZY! she KNOWS we live together and we are planning to get married - he said if he calls her back or responds she will think that is progress - I UNDERSTAND COMPASSIONATE - and i am for how he handled the situation, which is why i gave it some time - but, come on - NOW IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON!

 

Now, it's sounds as if all this went down last June. Correct me if I'm wrong. Your new man abandons his ex without much clarity, moves in with you, and now the two of you are planning on getting married. I'm sorry, but this sounds like one big mess with red flags ALL OVER the place. And I kind of think your man's ex has a right to be flipping her lid right now.

[Bethany]

The man sounds like a coward. He needs to face what he did and talk to her properly. Maybe then she can find the closure she needs. I would be lost and confused if someone did that to me, I might even knock his door and punch his lights out, slamming the door in his face as I left to give ME the closure I needed.

 

How you can let that poor girl call you both and let him ignore her pleas is beyond me.

I would also be concerned that one day he might do that to me too so be careful.

[thoughts]

A couple of things which will complete the picture for y'all...

 

and I don't know how this will effect your views or advice...

 

my current bf is my ex bf's identical twin brother. i was with my ex bf for 2 1/2 yrs while my current bf was with his ex - the one who keeps calling.

 

my current bf and i DID NOT EVER think we would be together - we know everything about eachother - we thought we were going to be brother/sister-in-law not married. i knew everytime my current bf cheated on his ex. he used to come hang out with me and his brother all the time and he would like to her and treat her SO BAD that i would kick him out of my home. i HATED him.

 

we got together because i was pissed off at his brother and i seduced him and slept with him. neither of us thought anything of it. but, then it happened again. and again. and i broke it off - because it was WRONG. but, we realized in all the time we spent together that we had solid feelings for eachother. the brothers are 4 yrs younger than me and i have known them now almost 10 yrs.

 

we had some real deep and difficult conversations - this was a big deal if we got together. how could we hurt SO MANY people like that - his brother especially. us being together was well thought out and picked apart time and time again. but, it comes down to - IT JUST WORKS. we can be ourselves with eachother because we HATED eachother. i know all the illicit things he has done, what trash he's slept with, etc. etc. and he knows I know he cheated on her and how poorly he treated her.

 

could he do the same to me? absolutely. but, then all the pain we caused his brother - who thought he was going to marry me (granted i thought i was going to marry him) - would have been for nothing. Our parents pain alone. it's taken the past 10 months to even make little progress with our parents and the situation. my family hates his brother, his family blames me for his brother's problems - they're italian - it's never the sons fault.

 

his ex and i never really got along - besides being 6 yrs older than her, she is just not that smart. and i'm just not that patient. i'm not trying to sound harsh - i'm a very caring and loving individual. but, she's still so young and i hate her wasting her time pining after my bf. you don't want me to call her pathetic. i get it - she's hurt and needs closure. what type of closure at this point? what can she possibly get from him? why? why he just left her - because he tried and tried to break up with her and she just wanted to make a list of what they need to work on. why he's with me? because we bonded over his brother. but, that has nothing to do with her. none of it. he didn't handle things right. but, she knows the truth now.

 

if the roles were reversed and i were her (not that smart and not very open-minded), i would be so turned off that my ex would go after his brother's ex i would just walk away from the situation. i would want no part of it.

 

but, i am intelligent and i am open-minded and because of that i've found true love. believe me it has NOT BEEN EASY! i lost my two best friends over the situation - one of 25yrs and the other of 10yrs. they just stopped talking to me. i don't know if they thought what i did was immoral or unethical or what. but, i did what i did and they did what they did...

 

those without sin cast the first stone...GO!

 

and by the way - compassion for her? for what he did? ABSOLUTELY - i told him how what he did was SO WRONG and i begged him to sit down and explain it all out to her. but, now that she knows. with how she is acting; i feel sorry for her. i think the last thing that she wants is my pity!

[karen95]

is there anyway that you could try and talk to his ex and sort this out. you dont have to pity her. ask to meet with her for a coffee or something. and listen to what she has got to say. even though she may not be getting to say it directly to him, getting to say it to you might get some of the stuff of her mind and she might begin to move on. this is only an idea. maybe you tried it already or you know there is no point, but on the other hand it might be worth a try!

[Boricua7]

Pardon my bluntness here but that is all so f*ed up.

 

It makes sense though that two people who know eachother well and have gone through hell together would sooner or later attract eachother, no matter how interesting (for lack of a better word) the circumstances.

 

I agree with karen, you don't have to pity her to help her out. She's a human being and has feelings. What harm would it do to sit her down and explain things to her just like you did to complete strangers?

[PrincessLinzay]

Wow. I guess that does change the dynamic of the situation somewhat.

 

First and foremost, understand that because this situation is so unusual, it is obviously going to make it 2x as hard for his ex to move on. Talk about a whirlwind, this girl's head is probably spinning like the exorcist.

 

I still believe that eventually she will move on, but be prepared for more attempted contact on her part. The whole situation, you must admit, is rather Jerry Springerish and as such, difficult to accept and cope with. Things may be working out splendidly with you and this guy, but this girl is probably pretty screwed up because of it.

 

I must say, and this is just my opinion of course, that this guy doesn't exactly sound like Prince Charming. You watched him behave in a disgusting manner to a woman who (at the time), he claimed to love. I guess I would be a little worried that this would come back to bite me. I would have to say at this point that I think you two will have more to worry about in the future ( just overcoming families alone) than his ex, who he hasn't been communicating with. Just my thoughts.

[thoughts]

i absolutely agree. i would LOVE to go somewhere and talk to her. i have encouraged him to talk to her. he won't do it and he told me to stay out of it. one time she called his phone and i answered while he was in the shower. i asked how she was and she played it off, "i'm GREAT!" and i told her that J would call her back when he was out of the shower. at that moment i was going to ask her to meet - but, J INSISTS that i don't. at first i wondered and really questioned what his motives may have been - but, whether it was from what he did to her or it is just the way she is, she's a little crazy and there is potential for physical risk.

[RayKay]

i absolutely agree. i would LOVE to go somewhere and talk to her. i have encouraged him to talk to her. he won't do it and he told me to stay out of it. one time she called his phone and i answered while he was in the shower. i asked how she was and she played it off, "i'm GREAT!" and i told her that J would call her back when he was out of the shower. at that moment i was going to ask her to meet - but, J INSISTS that i don't. at first i wondered and really questioned what his motives may have been - but, whether it was from what he did to her or it is just the way she is, she's a little crazy and there is potential for physical risk.

 

I think it is probably because he does not want you to find out from her that he told her all the same things he is telling you now. Just a hunch.

 

I honestly don't think he is worried about your "physical risk". If that was the case, just meet her in a very public place (ie Starbucks).

 

He wants to keep her as the "bad guy" in all of this. If you talked to her, you might find out that is not the case at all.

[Boricua7]

I think it is probably because he does not want you to find out from her that he told her all the same things he is telling you now. Just a hunch.

 

I honestly don't think he is worried about your "physical risk". If that was the case, just meet her in a very public place (ie Starbucks).

 

He wants to keep her as the "bad guy" in all of this. If you talked to her, you might find out that is not the case at all.

 

I totally agree!!!

 

It seems to me that he wants the two of you as far away from eachother as possible for fear of you finding something out that he has been keeping from you. This is sketchy if you ask me.

 

I think the two of you should meet up in a public setting and just talk. You will either A) do a good thing by helping her or B) find out something you should know about your man and save yourself from the same heartbreak his ex is going through. Really, what's the worst that could happen?