move on or continue

[plugger123]

I recently met a 21 year old. I'm 30. I know her brother and he is sort of a friend of mine and in my group of friends. After a while I started talking to his sister (the 21 year old) and after that we started seeing each other.

 

She has everything I'm looking for in some one but for me there is no chemistry. (I truly wish there was) I know she is going totally nuts for me but I on the other hand are still trying to figure out if it's going to work out. (Maybe it's the age gap) I've been seeing her now for 2 weeks and we almost had sex but I'm glad nothing happened. Should I continue to see if things work out or should I rather move on as she will probably be more hurt if we continue.

 

Thanks

[darkblue]

The longer you pretend you are into her - the more she will become attached to you.

If you are not feeling any chemistry. It's best to break it off.

[butterflycloud]

Ive been wondering about the same thing- if there is no chemistry but they are everything youve ever wanted then is it possible to make it work?

 

My mom reckons that you dont need that 'superficial' chemistry but I disagree. Can you learn to be attracted to someone?

[darkblue]

Attraction is not a choice. It's not a conscious action or decision.

You do not have a say in who you find attractive, so there is no point trying to 'learn' how to become attracted to someone.

 

If you don't feel that chemistry - it's time to find someone you do find it for.

Hopefully, you will be able to remain friends with your ex. Because the only problem was that you didn't find them attractive.

[brando]

I think attraction can be created between two people.

 

I don't think u can make yourself attracted to her, it is something she would need to work on.

 

What is it that causes you not to feel attracted to her, a behavoir, her looks, attitude, personality?? Im curious.

 

brando

[kellbell]

I have learned from experience when there is no chemistry, the relationship does not work out. That attraction has to be there. She sounds like she would make a great friend rather than a girlfriend.

[plugger123]

Thing is, she is basically chasing me. Very needy/clinghy.

[kellbell]

That could be what is turning you off. You might want to talk to her about stuff...you don't want to lead her on if there is no chance of you two getting together.

[annie24]

I agree with kellbell - if you don't feel chemistry there, there's no point. Like DB said, it's not a conscious decision. It's either there or it isn't.

 

Look - you just said, "I'm glad I didn't have sex with her." If you were crazy about her, or into her, I don't think you would have said that.

[RayKay]

If there isn't a spark, you can't force it. Sure I have known people whom went on to "force" something and pursued something even without a spark...but I have NEVER known them to work out together, or be happy together. Some of them hang in for ages hoping it will change...and in my experience it only makes it worse on everyone involved.

 

Yes, compatibilities are important, humour is important, similar goals and lifestyles are important....but if "it ain't got that thing" then well, you are just friends. In my mind, don't settle. Yes, being the best of friends is important, but so is being into one another, and attracted to one another. You CAN have it all in my experience.

 

If you are glad you have not slept with her, and you find her clingy already....honey you better listen to your gut! It's telling you something!

 

Don't you think you should be pretty nuts about someone when you are getting involved with them?

 

It's time to be fair to yourself AND her, and break it off. She can be free to meet someone very into her, and you can meet someone you are very into....and hopefully it's reciprocal!

[blueangel]

Two weeks isnt enough time to know that. There really isnt any good way to know that. But in any case, follow your heart over your head. Sometimes the people we want are those who understand as well as challenge us. If she's just someone to get along with, then maybe it's better to get along without her.

[Huntsman]

Thing is, she is basically chasing me. Very needy/clinghy.

 

 

= This is the problem. She has set her value as much lower than yours.

= You are a man. A hunter. For you there is no chase.

= Keep her for sex and find a new challenge.

[ComputerGuy]

= Keep her for sex and find a new challenge.

 

Using her emotions to get sex is just plain wrong. She sounds like a nice person and one who would make an awesome friend (so long as she can be OK with just that). My advice is to just let her down early rather than drag it out...just say something like "You are an awesome friend, I really like you, but I just don't feel that way about you". Make sure you let her know that it's not something she's done because she will likely beat herself over that...just let her know that you only see her as a friend and emphasise it so she can't read into it in her mind.

[annie24]

=

= Keep her for sex and find a new challenge.

 

Like computer guy said, this is a bad move on so many levels.

 

Beyond simply playing with her head and hurting her, what happens when you meet a new girl you like, and you go out on a date with the new girl, and the girl that you're just having sex with walks in and sees you two. She's going to think that her "boyfriend" is cheating on her, and she's going to make a scene in the restaurant, yelling, throwing her drink at you and your date, telling you that you're a cheater and to go to hell.