Having a crush while in a relationship...ok?

[healinginnyc81]

If you're in a relationship of more than a year, is it normal to have crushes on other people?

Or is it a sign that the relationship isn't very strong or that the relationship isn't right?

 

Basically what happened is my gf claimed she never had a crush for the 2.5 years we were together until about 2 months ago. When she noticed that she had a crush she assumed that it meant that our relationship wasn't good and that we weren't right for each other. So she started talking to her crush and after 2 months left me for him. (She didn't tell me all this until after she broke up and I saw them together a month later and I knew she had been chatting with him since they met a couple months ago)

 

I know our relationship is over but I just wanted to know because I actually developed a crush during our 2nd year together but I assumed it was b/c my gf had been going through a tough time and we weren't able to have as much fun together. So I just avoided seeing or talking to my crush for a couple months while my gf got better and then our relationship got better.

 

I'm wondering if that was stupid on my part or if crushes are a normal part of relationships that we should learn to deal with or what?

Anyone experienced this or have any insights, your input is appreciated.

 

Thank you

[LostInMyThoughts]

Depends on what you mean by a crush.

 

If its an infatuation based on nothing more than lust; then yeah I'd say its normal.

 

But if you actually are getting to know this person, and find that you would rather be with them instead of your partner, well thats not healthy or normal.

[lady00]

I think it's normal to feel attracted to people you find attractive and that's not suddenly going to be switched off when you're in a relationship. Sometimes it may be a sign the relationship isn't as strong as it used to be...other times, it's just the way things are, a normal human reaction to people with certain qualities.

[unicornq]

It's very natural to be attracted to people. We cannot easily control the feelings of having a crush on the people we find attractive. But we do have great control over what to do with the feelings. It's entirely up to you to decide whether you would act on your feelings (befriend your crush, develop friendship / relationship) or not to do anything. It doesn't matter if you have a crush on somebody when you're having a steady relationship, what it truly matters is what you choose to do in that situation.

 

I had been through that situation not long ago. When I confined in friends, some of them did mention that if I could love somebody else in a steady relationship, that implied there was something wrong with my current relationship. But I take this opinion with skepticism. In my case, I fell for the other person because I realized personal qualities that I would appreciate in my partner which I couldn't find in my current partner. But then I think nobody / relationship is perfect. My current partner does have a lot of other good qualities that I appreciate very much. It was just by chance that I met another person who appeared to have the missing qualities. I had a big struggle as to whether I should take any action to pursue my crush. At the end I just let things go their nature course, nothing dramatic happened.

[Eyre]

I wouldn't exactly call it ok, but this news flash might explain your feeling the "butterflies" and assorted feelings of crush about someone other than your significant other. If you sincerely care about your current interest then you should not dwell on the ones that are drawing your interest away from where you really mean for it to be.

[Shadows Light]

It doesn't matter if you have a crush on somebody when you're having a steady relationship, what it truly matters is what you choose to do in that situation.

 

Unicornq.. makes some great points.

 

It's natural and only human to find beauty in other people. Or to feel attraction. Those are instinct. Pure animal instinct. But what separtes us from the animal kingdom are out morals/values. We are thinkers, we think logically.

 

Feeling attraction is a very normal thing. If you are comparrison shopping.. aye..it may mean that you are taking stock of what you have at home. When comparrison shopping if you are finding more and more glaring fault or lack of attributes. I think you need to concentrate on your primary relationship and figure out what to do to fix it. Not neccearlily jump over the fence where the grass is greener.

 

And you know what they say about the grass being greener??? You end up figuring out that there's a big ol septic tank right underneath it.

 

You did the right thing. You felt you did the right thing at the time. So don't stress over it. Look forward not back.

[darkblue]

And you know what they say about the grass being greener??? You end up figuring out that there's a big ol septic tank right underneath it.

LOL - too right!

 

If you get to the stage where you think - "I would jump all over her, if she let me know she was into me."

That's when it's a problem.

 

Window shopping doesn't max out your credit card.

[RayKay]

I would not think much of it if I found myself "attracted" to someone for some element - either physically, or for their great knowledge on cultural revolutions or something like that. That happens, and is quite normal...I actually don't even consider it a crush, as I just see they have an attractive quality which intrigues me or interests me about them. However I easily recognize that I do not have anything beyond that interest, or see them as a potential partner.....just that they have a likeable quality. I am very committed to my partner, and faithful, but honestly I know he is also the one for me. I expect there to be ebbs and flows in our relationship, and even with there is a rougher time, I honestly never entertain the idea of being with anyone else, it never even crosses my mind, because I am committed to him and that commitment TO the commitment is so important to me, as HE is so important to me. I am madly in love with him, and honestly, cannot foresee ever not loving him, and I know too he wants to be with me the rest of my life as well.

 

Honestly if I were to develop an actual "crush" by my definition, being it's more multi level, and more consuming, whereas it diverts my focus to them instead of my partner and I am wanting to actively seek them out to be in their company and so forth then I would see that as a red flag! I would not ever cheat, but I WOULD seriously contemplate where things were in my relationship and whether it was a sign there was something going on or missing. From that, I would possibly realize that maybe there was something missing, and then also decide if it was something that could be solved together or not.

[healinginnyc81]

thanks everyone for your input.

 

My ex believes that since she desired to be with this other guy, it must mean that there was something wrong with our relationship. I tried to tell her that it's just that after 2 years, the original highs and "feeling" of love fades and it's up to us to make a commitment to maintain the relationship. But I guess since she decided to pursue this crush, it must mean that she wasn't committed to our relationship. It sucks b/c all the qualities she told me that this other guy has: self-assured, compatible humor, laid back, good natured, masculine but not macho, blah blah, it sounds so much like what she used to say was great about me. Except we also had similar values and dreams and philosophies on life and similar tastes in music, food, aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh;

 

Eyre, I think you're right it's just the desire to have those feelings of being in love that you have for about the first year of a relationship. We didn't have that anymore and with the stress of school and finding a job, I think we took our relationship for granted and didn't realize that it was deteriorating.

[RayKay]

As another poster said, this is why it's important to share those same values....as you said, after the honeymoon period turns into more companionship love, the kind that can become long lasting, true love. But many don't feel this way.

 

There are MANY people whom truly believe true love means no work is involved, and will run from relationship to relationship looking for that "perfect one".

 

While I do agree that there are many things that go into making someone your true love, there is still work involved, and it must be from both partners. I think for me, it's as important to find someone committed to the COMMITMENT itself and the work, as it is to find someone who says they are committed to you....that's easy to say when you are both on a high. It's when you are hitting the rough times that life throws at you (like school/work) that you need that commitment to the relationship as well. And that requires building and nourishing it through both the plentiful times, and the harder times.

[blueangel]

When you hear the words "want to be with" who do you want to be with- even if it's different people at different moments, the fact that it may not be your girlfriend may mean an open relationship will help you find what you want. Before all else fails, talk to her about it. If SHE is unhappy about it, then it's better for her that either you learn to stop or end the relationship. If you two want different things, there's nothing more to sort but to leave. It's up to you two to talk about it. What else is there to do?

[healinginnyc81]

Thanks RayKay, as much as it really hurts me right now, I have to accept that my ex just wasn't committed to this relationship. Maybe she expected there to be no work or maybe she just started seeing faults of mine that she didn't notice before. I also think I wasn't as confident and interesting anymore b/c I was in a bit of depression. So anyway I guess I just have to accept that she made a decision not to be commited to me or the relationship

[healinginnyc81]

blue angel, thank you, you're right she didn't want to be with me anymore, she wanted to be with someone else who made her happier. She no longer believed the relationship was worth working for. So well she's happy now and I'm left to deal with the fact that I was commited to someone who didn't feel the same about me. For her the main thing was that she said she couldn't laugh and joke with me as much anymore and she could with this other guy. I know it was because I was depressed but that's just how it is; and it hurts.

[novaseeker]

There are MANY people whom truly believe true love means no work is involved, and will run from relationship to relationship looking for that "perfect one".

 

While I do agree that there are many things that go into making someone your true love, there is still work involved, and it must be from both partners. I think for me, it's as important to find someone committed to the COMMITMENT itself and the work, as it is to find someone who says they are committed to you....that's easy to say when you are both on a high. It's when you are hitting the rough times that life throws at you (like school/work) that you need that commitment to the relationship as well. And that requires building and nourishing it through both the plentiful times, and the harder times.

 

Indeed. Very well said, indeed.

[red10]

i ahve no advice to give, kind of in a situation like some i've read - my ex decided that he wants to pursue a relationship with a girl he knew in college, he's 30 now, she got divorced (jan.12) has a kid, tried to save the marriage, and out of the blue called my now ex to try to make something happen. i feel like screaming at him and telling him it's just a natural reaction to be drawn to someone who takes a sudden interest...he thinks she the one for him - what the.....so just like that i'm out? trying to understand - to some degree i do - you never know what you might be missing out - yeah, but also there's what you have now - why can't that be good enough? maybe the grass is greener on the other side -but when do you actually jump the fence to see? does he realize what he is leaving behind???

[Scout]

bkjsun, I want to commend you for having a mature, honorable attitude towards relationship commitment. The difference in character between you and your ex is glaring. You were presented with the same temptation as she was, and you chose the harder path of resistance. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A TERRIFIC PARTNER TO THE PERSON WHO TRULY DESERVES YOU ONE DAY.

 

Right now, your situation is very painful and sucks, and it does seem all your honorable behavior got you was the shaft. Trust me, you'll get your eventual reward - and so will your ex get hers!

 

In the meantime, take advantage of this forum. It can really, really help you get through the rough times.

[healinginnyc81]

red10, I'm so sorry. I know how you must feel like he's taking you for granted and forgetting how much you love him. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but all I can say is that I'm feeling some of the same things. It will get better slowly and I'm sure your ex will realize what a stupid move he made to give you up. I hope you feel better.

 

Scout, I appreciate the support and thank you for the compliment. I hope you're right that I'll find someone else who is better for me and who I can share a committed relationship with.

[Scout]

You're quite welcome. And yes, be true to who you are, and eventually you'll find person who will share a loving, committed, and more mature relationship with you. I guarantee it.