God I was so blind

[healinginnyc81]

It's been 5 weeks about since my gf broke up with me. She said there wasn't another guy. But I knew she had been chatting with this guy she met a couple of months back. Today I saw her with him and they were leaving her dorm. I approached her and told her how hurt I was and that I felt she was a liar and a cheater. I asked her how she could do this to me and that I had trusted her and believed in her, and all she said was that he made her happy and that during the last year of our almost three years she wasn't as happy with me. I told her I never want to talk to her again. I was so hurt.

 

I should have known, I'm so stupid. Later I emailed her and told her that I was sorry for getting so mad and that I still want her to be happy even if it is with someone else. I told her that I hope she understands that I'm angry and hurt because I feel rejected and I'm mad that she didn't tell me a year ago when she was feeling like this, but that I'll get over it and I said I know she just didn't want to upset me. But I told her that I couldn't be her friend because it will just bring back my feelings for her.

 

God, I just feel so pathetic and stupid. I loved her but I didn't pay enough attention to her, or maybe I took her for granted. I was going through depression though. It's no excuse, I just feel like I've lost the love of my life. I wish she would have stayed open and honest with me about how she didn't feel happy with the way things were. I'm so angry with her but I know it's not her fault. I am especially angry with myself and I have taken a huge step back in getting over her. At least now I know that she's happier with someone else and that I'll never get her back.

 

What was wrong with me, how could I mess up what we had? How could she forget what we had and tell me that this other guy is better and makes her happier, we used to so happy together for about 2 years. She's only known this guy for 3 months (2 of them while she was with me) but she thinks he's so great and says he never gets mad at her and makes her laugh and she just feels happy around him. That's what she was saying about me for 2 years. How could she just move on and forget what we had? I feel so alone and worthless. I hope I can realize that she wasn't right for me, somehow. She would be a great friend but it wouldn't be worth the struggle to hide my feelings for her. I don't know how i'm going to get through this semester especially if I see them together.

[pos69sum]

in my experience, there's always another guy - even if it's just a guy she's interested in that she might have a chance with. let's just say that she probably first entertained the thoughts of breaking it off with you right around the time she started to become interested in this other person.

 

someone once described this to me as 'monkey in a tree syndrome' - some people don't want to let go of a secure relationship until they know that they have a new relationship to fall back on, it helps shield them from the anxiety that comes when ending a longstanding relationship, and the fear of being alone. so, while one partner is sideswiped by a breakup that comes seemingly out of nowhere, the other partner is enjoying the giddy rush of a new relationship and gets to walk away from it all unscathed.

[Mrocza]

'monkey in a tree syndrome' - some people don't want to let go of a secure relationship until they know that they have a new relationship to fall back on, it helps shield them from the anxiety that comes when ending a longstanding relationship, and the fear of being alone. so, while one partner is sideswiped by a breakup that comes seemingly out of nowhere, the other partner is enjoying the giddy rush of a new relationship and gets to walk away from it all unscathed.

 

Exactly.

 

And like you said, she wasn't happy for a while.

[rosstheboss]

you broke up with her and as hard as it is, she isn't yours anymore. she can do what she likes and shouldn't expect to get a hard time for you. how would you feel if it was the reverse? sorry to sound so hard.

it does sound like you arent over her and you have realised that her seeing another guys upsets you. aparently the final test to find out whether or not youre over someone is to see them kiss someone else, if you can take it then youre over, if not well there may be still feelings.

i'd try and keep away and stop contact. its hard but it works. it will get her out of your system all together.

 

good luck

[healinginnyc81]

The thing about no contact is it seems like it will just be avoiding a situation that makes me feel angry or sad. It seems like even if I try to do NC and feel better and stronger, and then I see her a couple of months later with this guy, all the feelings that I have been hiding from will just flood back.

 

It seems like I would have to make sure never to see her again, which is impossible at the moment since we live in the same dorm and have a class together.

 

How do I actually overcome the feelings?

[rosstheboss]

thats a bit tricky then. i'd suggest just not talking with her at all. try to cut her out as much as possible because if you talk and see each other all the time it's like your brain doesnt realise that you've split, it just keeps going like things were. then you get hurt by what is said and done

[Caldus]

Your best bet is to just forget about her.

[redandblack]

Hey,

 

I know how hard it is to have to go through what you're going through right now. It really sucks. But you have to let go. Tell yourself that you are better off without her and that you do not need her to be happy. Make her like a stranger to you--that is what she has become.

 

I will agree with pos69sum and many of the other posters here. In almost every break up where the reason cited is "I fell out of love with you", "I want to date others", "I want to see what is out there", etc, there is another person they are at least entertaining a relationship with. When my ex broke up with me, I asked if there was another guy. She said "no". But now that I think in retrospect, I remember her mentioning small parts from stories of her studying with guys I never heard about in her dorm (alone). She never told me about any of this. Why?? Who knows. But to me this is a breach of trust--yet another reason she isn't good for me. I assume she wanted to date one of them when she broke up with me. Whatever. What I realized is that if she isn't strong enough to resist such temptation (especially mentally) she isn't good enough for me.

 

You must realize that if she can do this, she isn't right for you. You deserve someone who will communicate with you, not entertain or persue relationships with others, will respect you and will be trustworthy. From what you have said, she has very few or none of these qualities.

 

Take the higher ground. Don't talk to her. Don't email, call or IM her. She lost YOUR trust, YOUR faith in her and now has a lot of people on enotalone who aren't her biggest fans!!

 

Stay strong and take care of yourself!

[healinginnyc81]

I know all of you are right. I needed to hear that. Thanks to everyone. Forget her, I'll have to find things that I really enjoy to see that life without isn't as bad as I think it's going to be.

 

I guess i have to think of this now as an addiction that I have to break and just avoid anything to do with her until I'm strong enough to be happy without her. It makes sense logically but I just feel so devastated like the only person who I truly connected with and was so in love with has decided that someone else is better for her.

 

redandblack, I understand what you're saying about finding someone trustworthy and honest. But I can't help but feel like it was mostly my fault for maybe not paying attention to her or giving her the feeling that I wasn't open to hearing her out or something. I don't know, I'm torn because I see her as the person I fell in love with who was incapable of lying to me and hurting me like this but I'm angry too because it's happened.