Once a cheater always a cheater?

[imagination]

I have been dating a very special person for just over 2 months. Everything is great except for one thing that I feel is jeopardizing our relationship. We started off in a bad way, both of us were in unhappy relationships and we were looking for something random. We ended up connecting very well on many levels and fell for each other immediately. So, now that we have both broken off ties with our previous relationship, we are exclusive (we slept together for about a week while still with our significant other, before we decided that this was more than just random, in which case we ended our other relationships promptly) I am, of course, having tremendous trust issues. He seems comfortable enough, in fact, he is very trusting and very good to me. He doesn't behave too suspiciously, he is flirtatious but I'm not uncomfortable with that, as it is a trait we both share and he always respects any lines that shouldn't be crossed. We spend pretty much everyday together, in fact, we haven't had a day apart really since we met. I feel so insecure, I feel like I have to see him everyday in order to ensure he is faithful, and when I don't see him, I get terribly panicky. It's just not healthy!! I have tried to end the relationship a couple of times due to this (because you can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust) but he insists that we work on it and that I give him the chance to prove to me that he can be faithful.

 

I'm just not sure, sometimes I worry that his flirting will go too far, or it does when I'm not around. There was a incident earlier in our relationship when he flirted with a friend of mine unacceptably online. (he wasn't aware that she was my friend, and no I didn't set her up to do it or anything) it seemed that halfway through the conversation he "clued-in" that it was my friend and started saying he wasn't sure what was going on with his girlfriend (me) and that if we broke up he would get together with her. He claimed it was just flirting, and it very well could have been and it was also VERY early on in our relationship, and I had given him the impression that I may be leaving him earlier that day due to our relationship being "too much"

 

Bottom line is- relationship is great, he treats me with absolute respect, love and admiration, the sex is fantastic, HE is fantastic. He has a great career, my parents love him, his parents love me. We are genuinely happy and get along great, HOWEVER, I can't trust him, I question every word he says to me. I worry constantly that he is going to cheat on me. I was also a cheater when we started this and am adamently faithful now, but I just can't see why he would be. He has asked me to marry him (we would get engaged but not be married for a year) and I want to say yes but I don't know if I should. What do I do? Will I learn to trust him or will this never work. Should I trust him? If he was a cheater before (only with the one girlfriend btw) will he be a cheater always?? Is the inappropriate online flirting (which he stopped immediately when I confronted him about it) just a mistake he made and should I let it go? This has been very hard for both of us, but he insists that what we have is worth working for and says that love is not always easy. We have a definate intense connection and to throw it away would upset me and him greatly, but I can't have a relationship without trust and I can't keep questioning him the way I do. He has been so good to me, he has every reason to not trust me, but does and never questions me. I on the other hand feel like I'm going to push him into the bad behavior I accuse him of. What do I do!? please help!!!

[RayKay]

Unfortunately, the odds ARE against you. Only something like 1-3% of relationships born out of infidelity go on to be happy, monogomous, fulfilling relationships. My guess is that it's the trust issue, or infidelity, that ends many of them.

 

That does not mean it CAN'T work, but it DOES mean you both are going to have to work on it, and show a willingness to address the concerns. There are BOUND to be trust issues after something like this, and the way it started. And he did not make it much better with the online behaviour which he needs to recognize too.

 

If his behaviour is setting off red flags, I would not be ignoring them....even you seem conflicted though when you say he won't cross lines...but then in the next paragraph you talk about how he had told your friend he would get together with her...listen to your gut. However, he seems to have admitted the mistake so....it's your decision what to do.

 

I WOULD hold of getting engaged right now. Wait, allow your relationship to develop, see if you CAN trust him, before you take that step. Because honestly, unless you can develop trust together, it's doomed...better to know that before you make that big step of marriage. 2 months is just WAY too early for most, even for a relationship that does NOT have these issues already (trust, online "cheating") so take your time....

 

Honestly, ANY relationship can be "fantastic and amazing" two months into it! It's all new and exciting and you are still seeing the best in one another. Anyone can treat someone with respect, admiration when you have only been together a couple months, the fact you are also in a sense rebounding out of other relationships can make it seem even GREATER. It's in TIME the true colours, true relationship, comes out. Give it TIME to see if it's amazing in a few more months, after the honeymoon stage! And see if the trust is there...don't get engaged or married just yet in a rush to "hold onto" one another. If it's meant to be, and the relationship is strong, it will still be there in a year, THEN you can decide if you really are ready for that next step.

[Dako]

I agree about putting off commitment until you test the waters of fidelity.

Two months is the blink of an eye compared to a life together.

[RayKay]

Good points Monet made.

 

Neither of you "just accidentally cheated". What happens in the future when he decides he is "unhappy" (be it after a fight, or just because it's not so exciting anymore....)??? What about yourself?

 

I agree I think you are trying to convince yourself that you are fine, when you clearly are not. Our guts are usually right, it's a shame so many people ignore them.

[Dako]

Monet makes some keen points.

 

It's odd when cheaters attempt monogamy. There's some degree of irony in demanding fidelity all of a sudden. Much like guys who give up a wild sex life to marry a virgin. It's hard to undergo a big transformation overnight.

[imagination]

Thanks for the advice, I have absolutely no disagreements with what you've all said.

 

I just want to be clear on how to deal with this situation. Should I stay with him but not get engaged? or should I get out of this before I get hurt?

 

I noticed that some of you looked over the fact that I was less than perfect coming into this relationship as well, but am decidedly faithful now, could he not be the same?

 

and about spreading disease, I was always using protection and my previous boyfriend and I were in an open relationship (due to problems), he did know about my new one, he just didn't know it would get serious. I am all about honesty in that sense which is why I'm having a hard time.

 

Overall, my gut is being completely contradictory, I cannot rely on it, because it tells me different things all the time. That is why I need sound unbiased advice!!! I am very fond of this man, but should I waste my time if getting hurt is inevitable? 1-3% is really horrible odds!

[novaseeker]

Yeah Dako, that's the odd thing. I mean the OP and her BF started as a double-affair ... they were the ones who were both cheating, and were both aware of their cheating. For both to switch gears from that into a trusting monogamous relationship seems very hard to expect ... I mean how could you not be suspicious of him cheating again, you met him while he was cheating and you were the central part of his cheating ... I think this is why these relationships (ones that start in cheating, esp bilateral cheating) rarely work, because they are based on cheating and deception to begin with ... it's hard to take that and morph it into a normal, trusting relationship because while in most relationships you start from a level of trust (and that trust can be eroded or destroyed by misbehavior later), in this kind of scenario, you don't have that, because the foundation of the relationship itself was cheating.

 

What I woud say to the OP is that if you are really uncomfortable about him and his behavior here, trust your gut. If you don't have trust at the beginning of the relationship, it's kind of hard to build it over time because you never really had it to begin with. It seems like a poor foundation to build on, and could lead to pain down the road for you.

[RayKay]

I just want to be clear on how to deal with this situation. Should I stay with him but not get engaged? or should I get out of this before I get hurt?

 

I can't make that decision for you...I DO think you should WAIT to get engaged. An engagement should happen when you are both ready, and know one another. It's a promise to marriage. Not a "well if the engagement works out, then we'll get married" kinda thing. It just seems...a bit rushed, given you are still learning about one another really.

 

I noticed that some of you looked over the fact that I was less than perfect coming into this relationship as well, but am decidedly faithful now, could he not be the same?

 

Well, I did ask what YOU would do if things got boring or bad again in the future with him? He could be, but he could not be. It depends on the reasons he cheated, and what cheating and commitment is to him.

 

and about spreading disease, I was always using protection and my previous boyfriend and I were in an open relationship (due to problems), he did know about my new one, he just didn't know it would get serious. I am all about honesty in that sense which is why I'm having a hard time.

 

Well, condoms are not 100% against everything unfortunately. Many things are transferred by skin contact, not just by fluids and such.

 

But you raise another point here...yours was an open relationship (not something that's my thing..but still)...so given you and your bf had an agreement...were you really cheating? Did his girlfriend know about you?

 

Overall, my gut is being completely contradictory, I cannot rely on it, because it tells me different things all the time. That is why I need sound unbiased advice!!! I am very fond of this man, but should I waste my time if getting hurt is inevitable? 1-3% is really horrible odds!

 

Well, getting hurt is a risk in any relationship, but yes those born out of infidelity are even more likely to end. Not impossible though....it's your decision. My thinking is if there are red flags (like the online thing) then you need to watch those and not ignore them.

 

I would also be careful if he is just telling you to forget it and trust him, without working with you to build that trust (given he already broke it).....

[imagination]

No, he was lieing flat out to his girlfriend, *ping* another red flag, god life is hard!!!!

[RayKay]

No, he was lieing flat out to his girlfriend, *ping* another red flag, god life is hard!!!!

 

Hmmm, definitely a ping. While you yourself were involved with someone else too at time, if he had approved it, and even knew of the new guy, then there are some differences. I am not sure what the agreement was though.

 

Trust is essential though, without it (whether it is deserved or not) things are very likely to fail - but you would not be "pushing him to cheat"...that is a decision that someone makes. Of course, knowing he has made that decision in the past I am not sure is not soothing.

[PrincessLinzay]

I think that RayKay and Monet have made some excellent points.

 

In my opinion, you have every reason to be concerned. I do recognize that you were not an innocent party in the beginning, but if you and your b/f at the time were in an open relationship, that is slightly better than outright lying to your partner.

 

I think the mistake most people make in these situations is in thinking that they will be the "different" one. They can make the cheater see the light, they are that special one that's going to "change" them. Sure, everyone wants to think that they're special, but if the other person has done it before, chances are, they will do it again. What makes it worse, is if they did it with you, they can rationalize it away as "Well, it's not like they didn't know how I am".

 

I also agree that 2 months is waaaaaay too soon to even consider becoming engaged. Especially under these circumstances. 2 months is still the honeymoon stage, everything is golden and exciting. Give the relationship time to develop and really get to know one another.

 

I don't necessarily think that you should end the relationship. You could very well be in that 1-3% percentile of those who overcome the trust issues and make a real go of it. But from what you're saying, it sounds like you don't really believe you will be able to overcome your own insecurities. He is apparently sure of you, but it has to work both ways.

[imagination]

yes I am certainly concerned with the "I will be the different one" attitude. I try to be as realistic as possible and I think, why would it be any different with me? I am fully aware that it is very likely that he will treat me the same which is WHY I am having these concerns. I dont want to fall into that attitude.

[imagination]

just a little update, he and I talked everything over, I showed him this page and let him read what everyone has written. He knows and understands now what is going through my head, and he and I are going to try and work through this and he is willing to do anything for this relationship and I as well. After reading what everyone has said he immediately phoned up his ex (he hasn't spoken to her since the break up) and was completely honest with her about everything he'd done and everything that went on between us while they were still together. She was upset, of course, but told him she was just happy that he had the balls to tell her the truth, now he is able to put it all behind him, and I'm able to put it behind me. So, we are going to see if this works, I'll keep you updated, its going to be a long road but I hope that our love for each other will give us the power.

 

Just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to help me, I think the time you took to type out some advice has made a huge difference for me in this relationship. He and I were able to go over everything that was said and discuss it and it brought a whole new level of honesty to this. I think we have hope, thank you so much!

 

Some advice, never start a relationship on infedelity, no matter how much you like the person, it is worth it to wait and keep it sacred!