where i am now

[Spidey12]

Many of you already know my saga-long story..here is an update with more request for help.

 

Last night I learned of another lie that my ex told me concerning sex. She originally told me she didn't have sex with this person, but now I have undeniable evidence that she slept with him at least 5 times.

 

So last night I sent her a very nasty text : " * * * * you. I wish I would have never met you. Don't contact me again"

 

She called back but I didnt answer, then she texted "what the * * * * is your problem?" I didn't answer.

 

I haven't heard from her since.

 

I am planning on N/Cing for at least a week before I tell her why i sent that text.

 

Is this a bad ide? Should I call her tonight and tell her why I did that and then resume N/C?

 

Should I wait for a call from her?

 

And the most important question...will she listen to the "dont contact me again" part?

 

Still thinking about her almost the time but its slowly getting better.

[registered]

"Undeniable evidence"...if you have this then you owe her nothing. Go NC and do not tell her why you sent the text, you don't owe her anything.

 

Forget about her and move on... you don't need to associate with her at all and shouldn't.

[Spidey12]

Thanks for the advice..but im looking for more...

 

its been two days since that text...and i havent heard a peep from her.

 

Anyways I'm still confused as to whether or not i should send her a text...now 2 days later..saying "the reason i sent that last text was because i found out you cheated on me with so and so"

 

i figure she should at least know why i am not talking to her....

 

i want to at least salvage a friendship from this.

[registered]

If you want to salvage a friendship then yes you will have to tell her why you aren't talking to her and explain to her what it is that you want.

[kitten]

You popped into my thread, I'll pop into yours.

 

When things ended with the last girl (not the one I'm currently mourning), I was foolish. It's a long story, but I had what seemed like airtight evidence that she was seeing someone behind my back, I went over there to talk to her, and she was there with another guy, sleeping on the couch. I lost it, barged in, grabbed a book I'd loaned her, smacked her feet with it to wake her up, and said something obnoxious. I forget what, honestly -- I didn't swear at her or go into a yelling rage, but I do remember it was something stupid to say. Then I left.

 

On my way I wrote some equally obnoxious, self-righteous note and put it inside her car (which was unlocked for some reason). Something to the effect of "I asked you for ONE THING, honesty, and you couldn't do that for me! Blah blah blah."

 

I then went home, talked to my friend online about what had happened and how she'd been cheating on me and blah blah, and emailed her the conversation.

 

The next day, do you think she wanted anything to do with me? I looked like a psychotic nutcase who barged into her house, broke into her car, and was now telling all his friends what a horrible person she was.

 

After a few days of back-and-forth on IM, and a little bit of posting on this site, I went for strict NC. It was tough. Not as tough, I think, as it is right now for me.. but bad enough. I'd see her get online and it was all I could do not to try to talk to her.

 

One evening, when I came home, maybe about a week after I'd resolved not to contact her until she contacted me, there she was online, and began talking to me. Not about much, really. Just idle chitchat. Neither of us mentioned what happened, and it's probably best that we didn't.

 

For the next couple of weeks, I maintained my policy of "Do not talk to her unless she talks to you first." And it worked. She'd IM me and we'd talk. Sometimes it was a bit strained, and it was never how it was before, but it was something.

 

That was a year and a half ago, almost to the day. Today she's one of my best friends. Her cat is currently sitting on my monitor -- recently she moved to an apartment where she couldn't take the cat, and I offered to take care of her until her lease ran out or she figured out what to do with her, since I knew how much this cat meant to her. And, she's been very patient in listening to me cry and whine the past couple of weeks, especially the past few days, over this girl.

 

I never formally apologized for barging in and causing a scene, but after a while, I did mention why I did it, and where I was coming from (I had a pretty good reason for it, and I think she understood). I was able to formally apologize for some other things I did, though. Little, stupid things, but they bothered me nonetheless, and being able to say "I was wrong for this, and I'm sorry, months later" was okay for both of us.

 

My point is that even if you blew your stack and said something obnoxious to her, things can be salvaged. If you really want a friendship with her, I say give her another week or so, and do not contact her. At all. If you don't hear from her after seven more days, it might -- might! -- be a nice gesture to give her a call and keep it short: "I wanted to apologize for the message I sent last week. It was insensitive and I was angry, but I shouldn't have done it, and I really shouldn't have told you never to contact me again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I just wanted you to know that."

 

*Period.* Let her talk after that. Maybe she won't want to, but you've said it, and it will make you look like less of a jerk when she does start thinking of you later. But I'm betting she'll yell at you for a moment and then cool off. Maybe then you'll get the chance to tell her what you'd like in the future. Tell her it's okay if she doesn't want anything to do with you right now, but you hope that she'll call you when she's ready.

 

If she doesn't answer the phone, don't hang up. Leave it as a message or voicemail. And again, keep it short. Apologize, and tell her that's the only reason you called, and then hang up.

 

 

NC is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I know of what I speak, of course, since I'm dealing with my own situation and I'm not even quite ready for NC, but I'm trying to get one last thing done before I do it. There are days when you manage, and there are days when you think you're going to implode if you don't call her.

 

Do what I do. Yeah, I'm not exactly the paragon of emotional stability right now, but even someone as unbalanced as me can sort of make this work (I think, I hope, one day at a time...). If I want to call her, I do one of the following:

 

1. Come here and write another one of my becoming-legendary three-page posts. Writing about it helps, and knowing that other people are reading it helps.

 

2. Call a friend. ANY friend who will listen. Even if you're not sure if they will, it's okay to ask. On Monday, I swear, I was about to go insane (chronicled for your commiseration in my thread), and I was *this close* to calling her, had my finger on the Send button. But instead I called an old ex of mine, and asked her point blank: Do you have a minute? I'm really upset and I don't know who I can talk to. She was okay with it, and let me go on for almost two hours. When it was over, I still felt miserable, but the powerful urge to call the current girl was gone.

 

Sometimes that's what it takes.

 

Personally, if I know I'm going to cry (or am crying), I find it easier to call a female friend. They're more willing to listen to it, and you don't feel like a complete * * * * * * * for crying in front of a guy. You know, cause that just isn't manly, or something. But even I have a guy friend who I could call, and have called, to agonize about the situation. As long as I'm in a mood where I know I'm not gonna start sobbing.

 

My point is, you can call them, and it's okay. If it's late at night and you don't want to wake anyone up, get on this site, and write about it. Or read other people's problems and offer a listening ear.

 

You can also call family. It feels kind of silly, but I know my mother won't judge me if I called her up crying about this. In fact, at least for me, I'm not entirely comfortable telling her everything, so when I'm explaining what's going on to her, I'm very much forced to consider my words and give only the important details. That can help with perspective and let you pare the situation down to the essentials.

 

Good luck, and remember -- we all know NC isn't easy. Looking at the clock a dozen times an hour, trying to set idiotic and arbitrary timeframes -- "If she's gonna call she's probably gonna call at 6," and then waiting and being disappointed as 6 comes and goes. It can take everything out of you to refrain, but you gotta try.

 

If I get the chance to have the One Last Goodbye talk with my girl (ugh.. "my" girl indeed), then of course we'll see how good I am at following my own advice.

 

But, y'know. This site is open 24 hours a day. Use it.

[Orlander]

I think it is perfectly ok to IM or write her a note letting her know that you are sorry for your outburst. You may go so far as to explain yourself, your reasons for being upset, but I would leave it at that.

 

Perhaps NC is the best choice for right now. Tell her this and if she is truly a friend, she will understand.

[Spidey12]

Its day 4 of no contact and I think I am going to call her tonight and tell her why I sent that nasty text message.

 

Then I'll resume no contact.

 

There's this burning feeling inside of me that if i do not call her, she will find someone else and forget about me.She has that ability.

[RayKay]

Its day 4 of no contact and I think I am going to call her tonight and tell her why I sent that nasty text message.

 

Then I'll resume no contact.

 

There's this burning feeling inside of me that if i do not call her, she will find someone else and forget about me.She has that ability.

 

Why is it so bad that she finds someone else if she has lied to you apparently....no contact is to move on, for both of you...and chances are she WILL find someone else, as will you, in time? I am not sure if she slept with someone before you broke it off or not, but apparently it bothered you and was a dealbreaker of sorts.

 

If she finds someone else, then it just leaves you free to find someone better for you (ie...someone honest)...and that is part of moving on. If she forgot about you that easily, I would say her feelings were not strong enough to begin with...

 

You told her not to contact you, but you broke contact with a rather harsh comment, so it's not surprising she texted you back that time...or that you have heard from her since....so on that front I am a bit confused.

 

I have a feeling you are doing No Contact to try and win her back...it should be because you are trying to heal and move forward with your life. If friendship is to come of it, it will if it's really meant to, but only after you have moved forward with your life.

 

Send her a short email apologizing then go into no contact. It does not matter if she does not stick to it, you just have to be sure to delete the emails, not answer the calls, and stay strong.