day 8 of no contact - journal for myself

[ut_longhorn]

my girlfriend broke up with me 8 days ago. it was one of the hardest weeks of my life but feel that i think today was a great day or progress.

 

i think i've realized i cannot pine for her. we may never get back together, but i know that i must work on myself. after all my pain and swelling emotions die down some, i'm definitely taking some time to reflect on our relationship - about what was good and what was bad.

 

up until today, i was just waiting for her to call me ... contact me ... tell me that we would get back together. but i realized, i think it may be final. i need to concentrate on building my life up before i even think about being with her.

 

i really have to also think if i really want her back if she called to do that. was our relationship really as good as my mind filters it right now?

 

even up until this afternoon i wanted to call or her to call back sooooo bad. but somehow something just clicked. something that said, "hey...you have to really work on your own life man."

 

i know many of you are hurting out there. it seems like this will never end. the pain will never heal. i'm still in alot of pain, but i've decided to focus that energy into something else rather than moping, thinking, and wishing. that was just a declining spiral.

[ut_longhorn]

i just remember that i was always trying to do things to please her. if she was in a bad mood, i was trying to do things to make her feel better. ask her what she wants...what she needs...what she wants to eat. no wonder she wanted to leave. i became her dog and not her boyfriend. i smothered her cause i used her to replace the lonliness that i was feeling in myself. she lost respect for me. i put her on a pedestal and she grew out of me.

 

i don't blame her. its not her fault. it was a natural reaction to how i was being. when she was breaking up with me, she told me that i was a good guy. i may have been a good guy, but not a good man. although i will never accept that type of behavior again in the future...it took this for me to see what happened so i am in a sense very grateful for the experience. now i will be armed with more information for my future relationships.

 

but i think not only that, she was young. i am 5 years older 23/28. i was ready to settle down. i brought up marriage a couple of times. she wanted to do so many more things in her life, and wasnt even close to being in that stage. i understand that. i was 23 too. i can totally understand.

 

i cannot at this point identify all the exact reasons why she broke up, but i think the ones that i listed above are some of the few.

 

i want to push myself to be a better man. gain my confidence back. gain my strength back. like i said, i will focus the angst and filter it into positive energy. there may be harder days ahead. all i know that i feel fairly positive today. i hope i can maintain this attitude for the rest of the week. then grow stronger. then grow even more.

 

i've lived enough of the rosey life that it was my turn to go through this and in some crazy way, im glad that this happened to me. it is a wake up call. without pain, we don't learn. without downs, we don't have ups. i will make this a learning experience.

 

i hope for your support in the next comeing days/weeks/months/etc. i am going to post my struggle and survival (because i know im gonna get through this). and i will also assist all those who i can. thanks enotalone.

[shamus]

my friend,

 

we all feel your pain at the sadness and loss. post away. vent. whatever you need to do. we're all here. *Offers cyber beer*

just day by day

i've been trying to get out, but it hasnt been easy.

i keep checking my phone, hoping she'll call, but i know it wont happen.

[ut_longhorn]

day9 :

 

i understand exactly what you mean shamus. every call...every text message i got i hoped it was her and got disappointed when it wasnt. 9 days of nc and i know i've improved but i still feel the hurt and the longing.

 

i know everyone has their own time to fully heal. i never knew it would be such a slow process. i was stupid in thinking after a week i'd be fine. now i know that i'll be in this for the long haul.

 

i still want her so bad. it hurts that she hasnt called to see how im doing. maybe shes giving both of us space. maybe she just doesnt give a sh1t. i dunno. whatever it is...i really drives me nuts sometimes.

 

i do not want to take any steps back at this point so i try my damndest to keep nc. i try to avoid her when i go out because i know we hang out at the same places.

 

i need to heal. and you know the cliche - time heals all. every hour seems like an eternity during NC but I think it is somehwat getting better.

 

How long has everybody who's doing NC doing? Can anyone else share some realizations or things that you have learned after your break ups?

[lewisbn11]

Im on day 10 of NC which was minor msn from her talking to me but i blocked and deleted her.

last time i saw her face was 2 weeks ago.

 

All i find myself doing is looking at what i did wrong in the relationship thinking of more reasons why she left. Then i think about all the amazing times and can't work out why she wants to leave them. Sometimes i decide that it was another guy (she kissed somone else) and i know that they were friends while i was away. she said it wasn't that at all but how do i know. i never will.

 

I hate the fact that there is no way she will be going through this pain. She is getting on with life just fine without me and i dont' even know what to do every day. I feel i lost who i am now.

 

Sometimes i have positive moments but since it happened ive woken up at 4 am or 5 am every day with awful thoughts of her and som1 else.

[deejay74]

it's amazing that we're all going through the exact same things at the same time feeling the same emotions. did we all get dumped at the same time?! it sure seems like it.

 

i am on day 12 from the break up and on day 9 from the last contact i had.

 

monday was very tough for me, today seems alright. i know i will sink back into a lull. this "rollercoaster" of emotions is really taxing on me.

[ut_longhorn]

well at least i know that i have some people that are in the same boat as me. i think its good to have a support system. i have all my friends, but it really helps to talk to people who are going through the same thing as well.

[ut_longhorn]

just when i thought i was doing so well...im starting to feel low again. i keep asking why she hasnt called. does she even have an inkling of caring torwards me? I mean I know she cares for me. I don't know if shes doing this to give me my space? I mean, she doesn't want to have to get together...just a hey...how are you doing would be nice.

 

i know that no contact has given me the strength to get here and i need to continue, but i would really just like to hear from her. argh.

 

how long did it take for your exes to contact you back after NC. Its only been 9 days, but a nice hello would be nice.

[ut_longhorn]

when a woman looses feelings for a man...is there no chance of reconciliation?

[sukerbut]

no contact brohter ..its the only way to go...trust me. Once you hear her voice or see her...oh boy..trust me you will regress back to stage one. she wanted to be my friend.. called me every so often..finally i got tired of playing it cool..and i decided this has to stop..to make matter worst i saw her in a real bad state acouple of weeks ago..with 2 of her close friends there..that sealed the deal on the no cointact.lol Its the only way to go. It suck and its hard to phathom that we are just a fading memory now..but they way the wanted it..so be it..nothing e can do about it