Moving (too?) fast;I want it to work (sorry for long post)

[dogheadma]

I have been dating this girl for 2 mos. We met at a pub and I got her # & asked her to dinner the next day. We got/get along extremely well and had sex on the first date. I was cool with it because I like her & am extremely attracted to her and find her to be a fun, nice, sweet person w/a good heart. After that 1st nite, she called me twice the next day & I answered both times I was genuinely glad to have met her. After that she proceeded to call me 1-2 everyday & I would always answer because I am interested & don't believe in playing games. We were/are seeing each other often; about once-twice during week and spending weekends together. It was instant strong attraction and we were/are really enjoying each others co. & have areally great sex. With all of her constant attention, I took it as a sign that she was genuinely interested and over the past mo. I have also been making a lot of contact. The reaction I seem to be getting to my frequent contact is one of her feeling maybe a little bit smothered. I think she's never dated a guy who's not afraid to be real about how he feels and is very accustomed to the games that people who are dating often play. She is very beautiful and I know the guys she has dated in the past have been jerks. She said she dosen't want anymore of that and I believe her. After about a mo. we agreed that we wanted to be exclusive. About a week after that she did what appeared to me like flaking on an important date to go to my work Christmas party. I left her house after going to her door to pick her up and her telling me that she was sick. I was all dressed up in a suit and very excited about sharing the evening with her. I left her house disappointed and hurt because we had made an agreement to always treat each other with honesty and respect. She called me immediately after I left while I was still angry and I told that I was. She seemed very shocked by my reaction. I now know that she is extremely shy and phobic of new social situations. She did however come to meet my family at Christmas. We have had two other fights since then, one where I believed she made a rude remark after sex and another one that we both agreed was completely stupid and about nothing and we laughed about it later. We have always apologized and talked it out each time. She is Czech, been here 10 yrs, and has a good but broken command of the english language. We have told each other that we love each other and mentioned the possiblity of living together in the future. I am also aware that she seem to have occasional moods where she seems to be real sad and I'm not sure why. When she gets that way, I tend to feel pushed away but I'm trying to understand it and not have a knee jerk reaction. I feel that we love each other but I don't know if it will be enough. I think she wants it to last but isn't as well equipped as I am to maintain an open and honest dialogue even though I think that's what she wants. Or maybe it's me being too open and scaring her. This is what I want to work out. We are very compatible in a lot of really great ways and I'm hoping for a long term healthy relationship. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[kellbell]

Hi there and welcome to Enotalone!

 

Well from what I can read from your post...maybe you both moved a little too fast.

 

It seems you might be a bit infacuated with her and I am sure she is about you. But that wears away. It is important for you two to get to know one another and form that friendship. It appears that you don't have that...which can explain her flaking out on stuff and some of the fights you have already been having.

 

It also sounds to me that you are both are not communicating properly...one example you brought up is she gets sad about stuff and you have no idea why. She doesn't tell you, expects you to be a mind reader...and when you don't know what's wrong, she gets upset. The Xmas party is another example. She showed no respect because that friendship is not there. And the fact she was shocked by your reaction shows me you two don't know each other that well and that you are not keeping the lines of communication open.

 

I would suggest that you talk to her, ask her what she wants, what her fears are, her hopes, get to know her intimately and not just physically, and try to build a friendship. Find out what you have in common...such as if you both love bikeriding...then do that with her. You two need some commonalities in order to build that trust and friendship together. I would hold off on moving in together and REALLY get to know each other first.

 

Take care and wishing you all the best.

[dogheadma]

Yeah, Iv'e tried finding out what stuff she's into, but she just says, "I don't know." The first time I asked her she said "Not much, I just went through a really dark period." Which I can understand because I been through the same types of things myself. I have done the planning for all of our dates and activities and whenever I ask for her opinion she says " I don't know" or " We will see" Maybe this is just about sex after all but I didn't want to think so.

[RayKay]

kellbell had an excellent response so I won't have much to add, but I do think it sounds like she has some big self esteem issues, or insecurities....which limit her ability to really fully give herself right now to someone else...she does not sound like she loves herself right now, which will impede her capacity to love you without this anxiety. There may also be some depression issues..

 

Other then that, work on the communication, and sharing things together...good luck!

[dogheadma]

Thanks. The past two days she has gone into sulking mode again for no explainable reason. My last relationship was with a a bipolar alchololic and she would do the same type of "push pull" and sulking. This constitutes abuse as far as I know. Does it really or am I just hypersensitive because of personal baggage? I think it's a red flag and I should get out now. Is it ok to just not call again? If she calls is it ok to tell her over the phone? I would like to be nice and respectful in my approach. I know she dosen't really own up to her side of the problem(s) in this relationship but is very quick to point out mine which I fully acknowledge and apologize for when she does. I think it will be difficult for me to be reasonable or rational because I don't think she will understand where I am coming from. She is aware of my past baggage and the fact that I am somewhat scarred. That dosen't make me a bad person but she is making me feel like a jerk. What is the best way for me to handle this?

[kellbell]

You might have to stand back and ask yourself why do you get into dysfunctional relationships? I mean, bi-polar alcoholic...wow. That's tough.

 

The best way to handle this is to be honest, firm and as compassionate as you can. You are not a bad person to realize that this relationship is not for you, to reconginze you are not compatible and your that you not happy. A bad thing is to carry along in a relationship your heart is not into and stringing the other person along. Standing up for your needs and feelings is not a bad thing...it's very commendable.

 

I wish you the best in everything...let me know how you are doing.

[dogheadma]

That was my first (and I thought last) dysfunctional relationship. My first one was very healthy in every way. It lasted 5 yrs. and we are still friends. After it was over though I found myself in really dark place for about 5 yrs. and didn't date anyone. Once I emerged from that I got seriously involved for a yr. w/ bipolar and was severely abused and very badly hurt. It was just a bad mistake. That ended a yr. ago and now I was feeling ready to love someone again but I seem to be making another mistake. This time I recognize it. Anyway, I would like to be as kind as possible to this girl and end it in the most gentle and respectful way possible. I'm really not sure about the best way to do it.

[kellbell]

I would tell her in person that you are not able to continue with this relationship, that you are not happy and feel it's best to go your separate ways. In situations like this, somebody always gets hurt. But you will hurt more and more if you stay in a relationship longer than you should. She will get hurt but she will recover too. I know this is hard but if you are not happy then what other choice do you have? Good luck and big hugs.