onmyownagain Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 OK, I got back with my wife recently and have found out accidently that she slept with someone else when we were apart. She wasn't going to tell me but I knew how many condoms we had at home before I left and now we have 4 less. I know she hasn't done anything wrong and I also had a relationship after our split but I can't help thinking about them together, especially when we make love. She wont go into any detail because it is none of my business. This is not going to make us split up, but I am hurting like hell. Advice please? Link to comment
Beec Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 No advice really, besides don't think about it. I think this will and should fade with time. If it is a deal breaker, know there is nothing that will ever change it. It's done. She cannot turn back the clock. So, if it was not wrong, you will need to learn to accept it and deal with it. Sorry, if that's harsh, but that's how I see it. Link to comment
coooolsome Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 She did nothing wrong but I understand how you feel. You need to just get those thoughts out of your head otherwise they will cause problems later on. Be grateful that you are back with the one you love and that the sex means nothing. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 OK, I got back with my wife recently and have found out accidently that she slept with someone else when we were apart. She wasn't going to tell me but I knew how many condoms we had at home before I left and now we have 4 less. I know she hasn't done anything wrong and I also had a relationship after our split but I can't help thinking about them together, especially when we make love. She wont go into any detail because it is none of my business. This is not going to make us split up, but I am hurting like hell. Advice please? As much as it hurts, the fact is you were broken up. You were separated but for some people that is the next step to divorce and they consider it "over", though there are others whom consider it still infidelity. However of course you were also dating after the split, so I assume that there must of been some mutual agreement that you were both free to do so. I can't tell you what you should think, but I think that you do have to decide whether you can accept this and move on together, go to counselling, and whatever it takes to get back on track together. And she's right for NOT telling you the details honestly - I think that would only hurt you even more and give you more visuals to play over in your head. It's done, she cannot go back in time and take it back - so you need to decide to either accept it and move on together and work on your marriage, or to consider this a dealbreaker and move on separately. Link to comment
danylion Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 tough situation, you need to build your trust and move on now. Remember that you two were not together at the time when this happened and if you are serious about making it work you must try to deal with it or it will turn it to bitterness and you will end up resenting her and seriously jepardize the relationship. If you can try to to see the relationship as a new start, fresh blank page. She probably feels awful that you found out and knows that you are angry right now. She probably doesn't want to get in to all the detail as she scared of loosing you all over again. more calm and careful communication is needed now. I am sure you have thousands of questions in your head, just try to be patient. You know her best and you love her, also put yourself in her place and how would you deal with it if she found out that you had done this. Its a real test this situation, Im sure your love is strong enough to cope....learning curves eh! I hope you guys get through this. Take care Link to comment
chai714 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 The only way you can change the way you feel about this is to change the way you THINK about it. There is a direct correlation between your what you think about something/someone and how you feel about something/someone. You had a relationship when you guys split, she had one too. Consider all things even. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 You just need to try to tell yourself that no matter what occurred during the split- that she chose to be with you now, so you have to let go of the past. If you were both dating during the split, then there's really nothing inherently "wrong" with her behavior then. If you keep focusing on it, and stressing about the details, then it could ruin your relationship. If nothing else, if the sex was so wonderful and phenomenal with the other guy- then she would likely still be with him right now. But she's not- She's with you. BellaDonna Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 The first line in your post said.."She accidently slept with someone else"... That made me think of something this comic said.How do you ACCIDENTLY sleep with someone??..he said "what did he do trip and his penis landed in your vagina"?? Sorry not making light of the subject..but just thought I'd share something lighthearted.... Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 OOps....MY bad....I read that wrong..you said YOU found out by accident. SORRY!!! Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 OMOA, I'm sorry for your pain but you either have to let it go or let the relationship go. Be glad she used protection and understand what the status of your relationship was at the time. If she wanted to be with him she would but she is with you now. Are you living for the now or the then? Sometimes after being on the other side of the fence, they realize what they are missing. Link to comment
coooolsome Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 I agree with the above posts, she is with you. That is all that matters. Link to comment
karen95 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 i agree the fact that she is with you is fantastic. and really you were broke up when she had sex with the other guy and it more than likely was just sex. i would just let it go instead of causing an argument when you are back together now. she would not be with you if she did not want to. Link to comment
Royltnxile Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 "I know she hasn't done anything wrong and I also had a relationship after our split but I can't help thinking about them together, especially when we make love." _______________________________________________ Does she know that you slept with another woman while you were apart? If she does, maybe she has those kind of thoughts going through her head when you and her make love as well. Look at the bright side, at least she used condoms! Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted January 11, 2006 Author Share Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks for the input everyone. This will not make any difference to our relationship, if we are going to break up again it will not be for this reason. I think I just need to put it to the back of my mind and try to forget it. I have had sex with the new girl before I got back with my wife and although the girlfriend was a more adventurous lover there is just no comparision with the feelings I get when I make love to my wife. Just hope things can stay as good as they for us now. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Thanks for the input everyone. This will not make any difference to our relationship, if we are going to break up again it will not be for this reason. I think I just need to put it to the back of my mind and try to forget it. I have had sex with the new girl before I got back with my wife and although the girlfriend was a more adventurous lover there is just no comparision with the feelings I get when I make love to my wife. Just hope things can stay as good as they for us now. Have you considered that maybe she feels the same way - both the anxiety knowing you have been with someone else, and the fact that the experience still could not compare? This is the opportunity for you two to rebuild a life together, don't let this become the thing that ruins it....you are starting on an equal footing and it's not going to be easy even if neither of you had slept with others...so take it day by day and work on reconnecting and solving what went wrong. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Wow, just looking back at some of my old posts. Would you believe I am still struggling with this after all this time, still can't stop thinking about him. I am thinking about getting some sort of councilling because she said I am making no progress and she still feels like she is walking on egg shells all the time. Real bummer. Link to comment
ranlian Posted April 16, 2006 Share Posted April 16, 2006 i'm having some of the same problems. my ex is giving strong indications that she's turning around and realizing what's going on. but if we were to get back together, you'd just have to put that out of your mind... but it's sooooo hard. do you think of this guy because you're angry or you don't trust your wife? you'll get over the anger eventually, but if it's trust then you and her need to work on that. think about what SHE can do for YOU to help enable you to trust her again. what YOU can do is never bring this subject back up to her again. but seriously think about what actions she can do to help make you trust her again... like call you where she's at or what time she's coming home, or give you affirmative words... small things that rebuild trust. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted April 16, 2006 Author Share Posted April 16, 2006 Hi, I do trust her, she didn't cheat on me, this happened when we were separated. I am not angry as such, but it is hard to imaging your wife with someone else Link to comment
NubianLove Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 I would STRONGLY advice going through counseling Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Has anyone any thoughts on Hypnotherapy? Thought maybe with this I could get it pushed to the back out of the way. Link to comment
kadvati79 Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Thats like taking an asprin to get rid of a head injury, you might stop the headache but u don't stop the internal bleeding! You need to talk it through, with a counsellor, then with her. She chose YOU. Don't ever forget that. Jeez dude I have sex with people all the time... doesn't mean i don't love my ex and would rather be with him. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Jeez dude I have sex with people all the time... doesn't mean i don't love my ex and would rather be with him. Thanks mate, that last sentence helped me a lot Link to comment
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