Should I have explained before doing NC..SuperDave help!

[dwbh]

Hello everyone,

I've been posting my story under Breaking Up because my boyfriend of 8 years finally decided (I decided) that we could no longer remain friends and just cut off contact. I realized by remaining 'friends' we might be setting myself up for more heart ache. Now, I am questioning my decision- I feel like I didn't explain my reason for doing NC - I feel like he's going to hate me because we always said we would stay friends. In my mind though the friends thing was doing more damage because we would still be intimate, talk on the phone every night, hang out.....to me nothing had changed except our title.

 

So the night we broke up (or when I initated NC) it was such a blur and there were many things that were said..but I failed to really explain the reasons for doing this NC. That night time he became very cold and didn't even want to hug me when he dropped me off. I've been contemplating writing an email to explain that I just need some time/space away so that I could get over him, but I'm not sure if that will backfire in my face because it seems I've really hurt him. Is this NC theory just a fix-it-all.....I feel like I'm being childish and playing games.....and I feel like I've just pissed him off more in the end.

 

Can someone tell me if I should just talk to him and explain....how is the NC going to fix everything. Deep inside- the reason why I did NC was so that he could realize life without me.....but I don't know now if I've just pushed him further away. Need advise PLEASE.

[Hope75]

Hi Girl,

 

Just wanted to point out that I think most are not responding to your thread because in the heading you seem to be looking for only Superdave's help. Why not send him a PM if this is the case?

 

Superdave, although he gives helpful advice, is just one of many people on here who might have something to offer in the situation. This site is a wealth of advice. Isn't a bunch of ideas that you can pick through and take what's useful better than just one man's opinion?

 

Just a thought...

 

I'll bet if you change your title you might get more responses.

[coooolsome]

You do not have to explain anything to him. You have no obligations to him. He broke up with you. He is the one that broke YOUR heart. What did he expect? That you two would remain great friends? Do you stick around if a friend of yours hurts you, or betrays you?

 

You wanted to get married but he couldnt get over what you did 3 years ago??? 3 years is a long time to not get over something when you were broken up. He tried to do the same thing but was unsuccessful and he is mad at you? You need time to heal and no breakup is mutual. You were probably more hurt b/c of the breakup. He just wanted a friend with benefits.

 

You dont need to tell him why you are doing NC. He will get over it. If he calls you can answer but dont let him think you are going to wait around. If his calls are hurting you then you can tell him you need time and space away to heal.

[dwbh]

Thanks coolsome,

I know I'm going to sound REAL pathetic...but I'm a mess right now. I actually called of sick from work and I went to his house to see if he had put my pictues away (OMG i can't believe i did it)....ok i know i'm so sorry....its only day 3 of no contact and I can't help but think he's mad at me. Anyway, his house was as usual....no changes - my pictures are still there. I want to call him so bad....can anyone relate to this?

[coooolsome]

Yes I can. I was a mess for a month. Want to know what kept me a mess for a month? Knowing what was going on in her life. It killed me. I never drove by her house but I checked her myspace like 20 times a day. It was insanity. I didnt do NC for a long time either and that killed me also. Who cares if he is mad at you. He should be the one who is worried that you are mad at him. You deserve better. After 8 years, he couldnt marry you. What the hell was he sticking around for then? You are better off without him so you can find someone who will love you and want to be with you for the rest of your life.

 

Actually I was a mess for 3 months but each month I got better and better. Best thing to do is to not know what is going on in our ex's lives b/c you will only see the good side and not the bad.

[dwbh]

coooolsome, sometimes (actually many many times) I questioned his intentions myself and everyone around him was asking when were going to get married. i thought maybe he wanted to stash more money or he was recovering from me sleeping with other guys.....in the end...i just thought its NOT fair!!! But unfortunately, I want him back....BAD! I don't know if its becoz we've become so dependent on each other (calling every night, hanging out every weekend) but I've convinved myself that he's the one for me and that things would be perfect if he would just commit. But I guess you can't go east if the current is going west. I'll try this NC and try not to break it but I don't know how long it will last. I'm even wondering if breaking NC and him blacking out on me would be better becoz then I would find closure... I dont know.....i'm so confused about the whole thing...

 

cooolsome, may I ask .... in your situation did things work out with the NC?

[Royltnxile]

I think you need to send him this letter. Word it exactly how it appears here. It's called doing a "brush with death", and it's designed to get the attention of someone with commitment issues. It popped into my head when I read your story above. You don't owe him anything, and stop worrying if he's mad at you. The other's are right about how being friends with him after he hurt you is just going to hurt you and prevent you from lettting go.

 

Check out this letter and post back what you think. I think it might be very accurate in your situation. After sending it though, you must follow up with the NC.

 

Dear (guy who screwed me over's name)

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about things and I've decided to let you go with love. You are such a special person with so many wonderful qualities, however, for me, I need someone better able to deal with intimacy, love and commitment.

I wish you all the best in life and in your search for the kind of love that will make you happy. I know I will be doing the same. In the meantime, I think it's better that we not be in touch or speak so we can both get on with our lives and find the love we both deserve. I will always love you.

(don't write love),

So that's what I suggest doing. It will either make him think that he stands to lose you forever and make him want to take actions to work things out with you....or it will give you some closure because you have shared your feelings and left it in his court.

[dwbh]

Thanks Royltnxile - I am still debating it. I'm thinking maybe silence has a greater effect. I just wish he'd call already ....

[Royltnxile]

Why do you wish him to call? Unless he is going to call you and say directly that he made a mistake in breaking up with you and tell you directly that he wants to reunite and make a go of it...what's the point?

 

He'll probably call you. And he will most likely string you along as long as you let him. Do you want to waste another 8 years on him?

 

Read that letter again and tell me what you think...I think it's great and to the point. You express your love, your regrets that it didnt work, you identify your needs, and you wish him the best. There's nothing that would make him mad at all, so don't be afraid to send it. It also hints that you will be moving on...which just might make him re-think his decision to leave you. Make sense?

 

Take it from me, if you do nothing and stick with the "silence", you're just going to be sitting around wondering when and if he will call, and regretting not making a move for some kind of closure on your part. Sending him that letter enables you to hold your head high and keep your dignity.

[dwbh]

I agree that the letter is well written and to the point. BUT i know I will want him to respond. If I don't get a response I think it will hurt even so much more. I'm not sure if I want closure as much as I want him to not be mad at me. The history of our relationship is that he has dumped me before (3 years ago) on the excuse that he was stringing me along (which is fair) but the next day he calls my girlfriend to hook up with her (they never did and as far as i know he never had sex with any girl). anywah during that brak up I took my revenge and dated other guys (slept with 2) and wrote him a nasty letter that I was doing fine and have a nice life. Anyway when the other guys I dated didn't work out (one of them really played me out) I ended up crawling back to him and he took me back with open arms.....I don't want a repeat of that - call me crazy but I don't want to hurt him. Maybe I'm just confused right now.....I haven't thrown the possibility of sending him the letter but I am thinking what really is the best next move.

[coooolsome]

dwbh, I have had sporadic times of NC. Each one about 2 weeks long for the last 3 months. This is the first time I have done complete NC, meaning, no myspace, no aim away messages, no talking, asking questions about her(mutual friend who is more my friend than hers). Im on day 16 and to tell you the truth, its really easy now. Plus with her out of my life completely, I am healing a lot faster than I was. I feel a lot better about myself and have started thinking about all the bad things about her.

 

So if I had done this 4 months ago, I probably would be in a much better place than I am. I still think about her everyday but not all the time like I used to.

 

Plus, I have no thoughts about what is happening with her. I have no idea and it feels great. Like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

[Royltnxile]

That's why I think she should do that letter...exactly as it's printed...to save herself from being stuck in limbo with this guy. He sounds to me like he has major commitment and intimacy issues. This letter may have an effect on him if she sends it.

 

D - You are worried about him being mad at you? Why? He has strung y ou along for 8 years. He can't get over the fact you slept with others while you and he were on a break 3 years ago? Funny, he never had a big problem with it the past 3 years...he's using that as an excuse to mask his own commitment fears - IMO.

 

Go out and get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". Read it and see if you see any of his behavior described in that book. It's a real eye-opener.

 

Cool - Good for you man! Keep up the good work!

[dwbh]

I'm worried that he's mad at me because deep down i want him back. It seemed like a few months ago he was starting to like the idea of marriage and even used the word "fiance" to describe me although he hadn't proposed....so I don't know if it was a case of wet feet....but I'm SOOOO scared this whole NC thing is going to push him and if the letter will piss him off.............its pure agony i tell u

 

COOOL- do u want to get back with her at all? Has she indicated that?

[dwbh]

Thx Roylntxile- I think I will pick up that book. perhaps it will give me some insight on this whole commitment thing.

[coooolsome]

D - Its really up to you if you want to send that letter or not. You do not want to be stuck in limbo, trust me. The great thing about time is that it helps us forgive and forget. Who cares if he is mad, b/c in a month he wont be. If he is understanding, he will understand why you had to do this. If he is still mad in a month, he needs a life and your way better off without him.

[Pikey1972]

dwbh, I fully agree with coooolsome: it really isn't much fun being stuck in limbo, and if he's understanding, he'll understand why you need to do this.

 

Also, if he does get mad, ask yourself this: do you really want to be a person who gets mad every time you express an opinion of your own?

 

As I've mentioned elsewhere on this forum (I know, I keep repeating myself!), I'm on LC with my ex at the moment - "just friends" - but have decided to have a quiet word with him in a few weeks' time and then go NC to give myself space and time to heal / move on.

 

If my ex gets mad, then fair enough - it's his problem, they're his feelings.

 

Remember: you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings - a person can only make you feel mad / sad / angry etc if you allow them to do so.

 

Good luck!

[dwbh]

Hi Pikey,

Thanks for your post. What is LC does that mean low contact? How is that working for you? Why do you feel you need to go to NC if the LC is working for you? I'm just curious...maybe I should have gone LC since it seems the NC was too drastic.

 

To be honest, I broke my NC last night...I spoke to him online. But it was very brief...jus small talk and after 5 min I logged off.

 

I guess I was just testing to see if he would respond and he did....but no talk about the relationship which was good.

[Pikey1972]

Hello there dwbh,

 

Yes, LC means Limited Contact - it's working for me in the sense that it's giving me some much-needed space without losing contact with my ex altogether.

 

I'm currently trying to rekindle the relationship with my ex, which I why I've decided to maintain some form of contact.

 

I've realised however that this situation cannot continue forever as it's leaving me somewhat "in limbo" - part of me thinks he's interested in starting again, but I won't know for sure until I discuss it with him.

 

The reason I mentioned NC in my message is because that's what I'll need to do if he confirms he's not interested in rekindling the relationship.

 

In short (I have a tendency to ramble!), LC is the method I'm using to keep him interested - NC will be used solely to get over him / move on.

 

So for me, NC isn't a method for "winning him back" - it's solely a method to heal.

 

Also, good to hear you didn't mention the relationship: keep it light-hearted and fun - I've just about managed to keep things light for 2 months.

 

Again, there's no "one size fits all" policy - some people manage to do LC for months or even years, others - including myself - want to move on after 3 months or so.

[coooolsome]

Yeah, its all about how long you would wait before moving on completely. LC also means that you let him contact you a lot more than you contact him. Also, during this time, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that he will never come back. This is why NC is so much better right after the breakup. It gives you both time to heal and rethink things. Then after 2 months or so, you can see how you really feel.

[dwbh]

Hi all,

 

Its been a while since I posted here, so many things have happened since I first posted. This is probably in the wrong section and should really be posted under Break UP......

 

So I broke up with boyfriend of 8 years in January for reasons of him not wanting to commit and blah blah.....the following months afterwards were so painful yet it was also a process of self discovery and analysis. My feelings have been through so many highs and lows that its a wonder I'm still

 

functioning today. I managed to do NC for a month, but then would break the cycle after either him calling me to get together or visa versa.

 

I guess the most significant update in my story is that a few months ago...I got a call from my cousin that a mutual friend of mine was getting married. I was happy for the girl....lets jus give her a name - Kathy

 

Just to give u guys some background:

 

....lets REWIND a few years (so you get the jist of the whole story): Kathy met my 'then' boyfriend through me. We were all going to the same party and she needed a ride.

 

So a few months after them meeting my boyfriend and I are having problems.....these problems eventually lead to a break up....the main cause being that he doesn't see me in his future.

 

Two days later following the break up I get a call from Kathy....she's utterly confused because my ex of 2 days is now calling her....talking about 'i want to see u'. So the wheels in my head are spinning and I'm putting 2 and 2 together (he broke up with me becoz he had his eye set on her).

 

So I confront the ex and (guys this is the best part)...... he tells me ever since childhood....he's always had a list....a list with all the requirements his 'future wife' would have and Kathy apparently hit every point on that list....well, I'm devastated by this revelation of course......so I go on with my life... dating a few guys.... and a few months later we get back together. I guess Kathy had no interest in my ex, and I wanted to make up anyway.

 

Fast forward to March 2006:

 

Ok- so now lets fast forward again to a few months ago shortly after I hear Kathy is now engaged....I think to myself......let me call him and give him the news .....mind you my ex and I are now friends and talking on a regular basis.

 

The reaction I received was SOOOOOO disturbing and so unexpected. There was indifference on the phone but I knew something was up....(I guess I assumed he was already over Kath)..... because shortly after I tell him the news he quits his high paying corporate job because he wants to follow his dream of "owning his own business"........but the real reason being that his head is so F--cked up from Kath's engagement.....

 

Ok- so you're asking how do i know this is the real reason why he quits his job???????? I know becoz the boy was so freakin messed up it was ubelievable. He even went to the extent of burning a song by LL COOL J with the lyrics "I gotta take ya from your man that's my mision

If his love is real he got ta handle competition" (Hey Luvr song). With the intent of sending it to her.....for what reason? I don't know....for some crazy fantasy that if she got the CD she would cancel the engagement and fall in love with some guy she doesn't even know and has only met casully 2x......!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG...is this crazy or just me?????????? Ok, so the CD was never sent. He says he went to the post office, mailed it, changed his mind and took it back.....i dont know how that's possible.......but he says he never sent it........

 

........ Not only that but he takes a two weeks hiatus (after quitting his job) and goes to California to visit his friend. By this time I'm maintaing minimal contact. While in CA, he's calling me because he misses me and loves me. So, I think to myself....is this guy confused or what. I decide to pick him up at the airport and we had a nice dinner, I go to his house and we get to talking. I ask him about what he meant when he said he missed me and loved me. I asked him does that mean you want us to get back together. His answer: I'm not ready now, but I do miss you and I do love you.

$%^%&%^*&^(&*)

 

So does this guy have mental issues or what???????????????????? I guess its my fault for not maintaining NC............but I'm so annoyed!!!!! Anyway, I read this post yesterday by ICEMOTOBOY which struck a chord with me.....and its so true. ICEMOTOBOY - Thanks for writing this post and bringing some insight as to why we stay in these types of relationships:

 

 

"Why had I done this? Why did I hold on for so long? Why was I STILL holding on? The answer was because my love was authentic, and I felt that if I let go I would be challenging this authenticity. It would mean that I would have to accept the love wasn't real... begging the question, what is love and how will I know authentic love when I see it?

 

The answer was, as it usually is, very simple. Yes it was authentic, but the relationship was also a disaster. Sometimes we can love someone who really isn't right for us. We can continue loving someone even after they hurt us, and even once they leave us. Yet letting go of this love does not have to question the authenticity of the feelings. You don't need to trash your love, or call in the "love extreme makeover team" to remodel your views on love. You simply need to accept that just because feelings are authentic does not make them right or healthy."

I wanted to believe so much that my ex and I were going to work it out, that were going to be together forever. But in reality.......we're just not good for each other.....but the hardest part in a break up is believing that those feelings were not real....that it was not love. I've come to accept, that it was love, there was love and there will always be love........but being 'together' was just not part of the equation....