He's back in town and I'm terrified!

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Not sure how to write this post? Do I need to put it in context first- My other post "Can someone help me think this through?" has the back story.

 

But this guy that I slept with who outed me to this small Japanese community has come back from the States after the Christmas holidays, and I've just had a difficult but great month with him gone. I've opened up and really started to explore my homosexual feelings instead of hiding away like I've been doing for the last year. And I've finally got myself in a position where I'm hanging around some nice people and I feel really good. I'm not going to label myself but I really do find both men and women attractive but my sexual desire is far stronger towards women. I'm happy for that to change (or not) in the future and I'm thinking I could handle a relationship soon.

 

But now I know he's back I'm SO ****ing nervous. There's just the one main street here and I say hello to at least 3 or 4 people every time I walk down it. We are bound to run into each other- but we haven't spoken since November.

 

I met this other guy and we've become friends, and I ended up pouring my heart out to him- all the anger towards this guy that I had been bottling up because I was blaming myself for being so uptight. He made me realise that I'm terrified of this guy and I don't know why! He's controlling me and I don't know how to stay here and get over that.

 

It is getting better. I am talking about my feelings openly now to people who know. I'm being far less afraid- before I was avoiding anyone who knew him because I was just imagining them laugh at me and it was just highlighting my own feelings of humiliation. But now I'm not letting it get to me. I can be whatever I want and I have nothing to be ashamed of (I realised thanks to people's replies to my earlier posts).

 

But still nervous! I think ignoring someone you obviously know is childish and fake. But I don't know what I'll do when I see him because I'm angrier at him than I've been able to be in a year. Now I've stopped blaming myself. Problem is it's a bit difficult to have an argument with someone about something they did a year ago- especially with all thats happened in between- last time we had an argument I ended up apologising for ignoring him (which I did for about a month) and pretended to forgive him when I really hadn't. So it all looks a bit inconsistent from my end- but I know now that I was entitled to be confused- but how do I proceed?

[mgirl]

It sounds like you need to re-establish some boundaries with him. It may not be necessary to confront him about events which occurred 1 year ago, but there is nothing wrong with it if you chose to. That is your personal choice.

 

The real issue lies in your fear of him coming back. Given everything that has happened, and that he transgressed your boundaries to begin with, and he was wrong for that, it is no wonder you feel frightened of him and are anxious about seeing him. He really had no right to take advantage of you like that in the first place and it is important (in my opinion) that you know that it was not primarily your fault and that you are responsible for others' behaviour towards you. You need to build boundaries which he can not cross. Sometimes the realisation that we have to form boundaries is a hard one, but necessary for survival. The reason you are so afraid of him is that he did cross your boundaries, which were weak at the time, and now you feel vulnerable. When you think about this, feeling vulnerable around him is a logical reaction because you feel unsafe around him. But you now have the power to change that.

 

It is now time to work out exactly what is acceptable behaviour from him and what is not. If i were you, i would not accept a thing from him and would make this clear to him by saying i had moved on and that there is nothing there for him anymore. Wish him well in life and leave it at that. If he starts to hassle you and contact you, ignore him and keep a record of when he does it (time and place) and what he says, so you can use it as evidence if you need to get a restraining order against him.

 

First of all, he took advantage of you and practically raped you. Coercing somebody into having sex is rape and a serious crime in my opinion. And secondly, he betrayed you! And is under no circumstances to be trusted.

 

So, i would continue to gather the support from the community and hopefully they will back you up if he continues to hassle you. If he keeps hassling you, he will only be making a fool of himself.

 

If something inside of you tells you there is something wrong, or something suspicious about somebody, it is important to listen to that, because that is your intuition telling you that that situation is not good for you. When you have boundaries, you are more likely to follow these intuitions, rather than go through with something that may later regret.

 

The only other alternative you have is to move from the town. My experience with these people tells me it is healthiest to get as far away from them as possible. Whether that involves me or them moving is beside the point. The most important thing is to remove yourself from their toxic presense. It can work if the other person is willing to respect you and just say hello and goodbye, but in my experience, these people are destructive and rarely, if ever, reach a compromise.

 

You are going to have to play it by ear and see what he does. He may do nothing, but in the meantime, work up the strength to remove his presense from your life, and make sure you never put yourself at the mercy of another leach like this again.

 

And most importantly, remember, they are his issues, not yours. People like this operate by bullying other people.

[mgirl]

Btw, people only have power over you if they know something they think you are hiding. The fact that you have actively explored your sexuality while he has been away and talked to people in the town about it, and have their support, acts in your favour.

 

If he tries the old "kiss and tell" tactic, you can silence him with, "hey, everybody already knows, and i am more attracted to women, so i am sorry, we have no business anymore".

 

Another thing you can do is issue him a veiled warning with, "you know, forcing sex on somebody when they say no is rape". That will scare the hell out of him.

 

Sorry if i am assuming he forced it on you, i can't accurately recall the details of your original post, but i do remember you were uncomfortable about it on some level.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I've just got totally obsessed with it again now that I know he's back. It's all I can think about and I'm wondering around at work not concentrating on what I'm doing. My head's swimming and my life feels so messy again.

 

He's not pestering me- I've barely spoken to him for two months. As far as he's concerned "he's done with me"- which means he's given up waiting for me to stop being so childish and constipated about what's happened and let it go.

 

But I can't. I'm right to be angry even though no one else here will support me on that. It's been so long and everyone's had about as much as they can handle of me going round in circles on this. I've been so confused and I haven't been able to get past this because we had the same friends and they defended him when he told people. And I'm being accused of being paranoid because "Not EVERYBODY knows, what are you talking about- why would we going around telling people- and what does it matter if you are gay anyway?" But THATS NOT THE POINT IS IT???????

 

I really wish I'd known about this website sooner.

 

I hate this guy so much for the way he betrayed me and the way now he's got everyone else second guessing everything I say because "I'm clearly so confused" when (whilst I might be a little confused) all I needed was a little space to think for myself which I was denied because I picked this child to experiment with and he just trampled all over me. How stupid am I?

 

I don't think I can get anyone around here to understand how he's made me feel. They all think it's my hangup. Is that what it is?

 

(and the horrible thing is when I typed that question I just heard his voice in my head say "yes") I feel sick.

[pianoguy]

Happytown, I still really think you need to find a therapist to help you work through your feelings. This board is a great start, but we don't know you as a person except through your posts and most of us do not have profession psychological training.

 

Mgirl gave extremely solid advice and I would follow that as much as possible.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Thanks pianoguy (and mgirl- sorry I didnt respond to your advice it was really helpful- I know I going to have to make some hard decisions about my social life and maybe my job to rebuild my boundaries)

 

Yesterday I was freaking out and panicking. Maybe I should have just written myself a note. I'm really not interested in therapy at the moment its important that I become more intimate and trusting with friends- but I know I sound pretty messed up. I know I can get through this.

[FoxLocke]

Happytown, even though you don't want it I think therapy would be the BEST thing for you. This guy so obviously has you disturbed, and I don't mean that as an insult.

The fact that the two of you are even in the same country has you anxious.

Do they issue restraining orders in Japan? I think maybe it would be best if you kept as faraway as possible from him.