What's gone wrong in my relatiohship?Why it ended before even had started?Help!

[LittleCatty]

Hello everyone. Happy New Year! Hope 2006 brings you all the happiness and joy.

 

I'm so glad that I've found this Forum, because I've been looking for advice recently, badly. If you find any mistakes about my English, please bear with it as it isn't my first language.

 

Just for your information, I was born and grown up in China and he's English, Caucasian. Warming, it is a long story, I wrote it in details because I don't know which part of it has gone wrong, please read it through and give me some advise what I should do to attract him back.

 

Here is my story. I met my ex bf through a dating agency on 27th Nov. 2005. There was strong chemistry between us. We were both very attractive to each other but I didn't show it to him b/c I was trying to be elegant and conservative. B/c we were complete strangers, I didn't know why he joined the agency. Later I learnt that he was married before and has separated with his wife for 6 years; he is looking for a serious, long term relationship, a marriage in the end as what I want exactly; his divorce will be settled in January 2006. We got on very well and things between us moved so quickly. On the first date, we held hands. On the second date, 29th of Nov., we kissed. On the third date, 3rd of Dec., he even waited and picked me up at train station after I came back from work. We established our relationship as bf and gf. By the end of first week, we were so closed, just felt like we have known each other for a long time.

 

On the 4th of Dec. We missed each other so much that decided to meet up which wasn't plan. I suggested meeting in an area where he lives. The reason was that I wanted to check up on him if he really lives on his own, if he is separated with wife. I know it sounds that I don't believe what he said. I am well aware it is because of a negative impact from my previous relationship. I have low confidence and trust on men. Well, I'm now a lot more positive than I was. I think by visiting his home, witnessing in my own eyes is the only way to know if the person who I really want to be with but have no knowledge of his background details is worth trusting. I didn't let him notice any of these thoughts in my mind.

 

It looks that he lives alone apart from a pair of his ex's slippers I found. We started kissing and cuddling each other. He wanted to make love to me and told he wanted to do it when the first time he saw me, but I refused. He looked disappointed; I like him so much that I can't refuse anything he asks for. I eventually stayed over and had sex with him. Due to misunderstanding, he ejaculated inside me, he thought I was on pills. I hadn't been in a relationship for 4 years, how could it possible for me to use pill and I can't use them anyway. My mind went blank. I didn't know how to take it. He asked what I would do if I was pregnant. I answered that I am not prepared to have baby before getting married or in a couple of years' time. I'm not sure how my family would react if they found out. I might not recognize him/her as my child in front of them. I would leave the child to him to look after. Because my mind was fully preoccupied by the possible pregnancy, I said I shouldn't have come to his flat and wouldn't go again. He then replied that you can't come anymore anyway, he's moving. He asked me 3 times in total if I would go to his home again before I left him following day. I all replied no, but I would still see him. He said he would be lonely. I realized he was upset by hearing it. Even having said those, I didn't mean I regret to have sex with or I didn't like him, it was purely because I was scared of the possible consequences of pregnancy. Here we talk about bringing a life into this world and raise him/her up, that's huge responsibility. I don't think it's all right to get pregnant in early stage of a relationship. It seems that it has to be an abortion. There's a lot of things to go through still.

 

Later on I asked him about his ex-girlfriends and how many relationships he had been in past 6 years. He showed me some of their pictures; I also asked if he had sex with all of them and if he liked them. However he wondered why I was interested in knowing it. I didn't say anything nasty about his ex-girlfriends.

 

I called him on Mondy, 5th of Dec. He apologized that he shouldn't have sex with me. He should have controlled himself better. He considered he was disrespectful and but it happens when a man and a woman are together, also we should only meet outside in public in future. I didn't have a clue why he was caught by that feeling. I didn't blame him for doing it and I don't regret to do it. He shouldn't either. I was just not ready to have baby physically and mentally. He thanked me for being understandable. I told him that I might not be pregnant as I was on safe period. He didn't ring or text me since, but I did everyday to tell him how much I miss him. I felt he slightly changed, not as warm or excited as before. And shorter phone calls. I couldn't figure out why. I guessed he must have been blaming himself for things happened other day.

 

We met on the 10th of Dec. He apologized again for what he did. It should only happened 6 months after we've known each other, otherwise would make things complicated. And he's been thinking what he wants. He thought things between us moving too fast and he wanted slow it down. I felt his uneasiness and discomfort. I tried my best to comfort him. I had a feeling that he was holding something back. He didn't tell when I asked. He told a girl from the agency contacted him and asked him out. The meeting was just purely for friendship and he had explained clearly to her. I was not comfortable with it at all. But I didn't show it to him because I didn't want him think I am bossy, manipulative and dominant. I made a bet with him that the girl would like him. Instead of blaming him seeing another girl, I thanked for his honesty and trust him. Because I believe apart from love, we need other type of relationships as well in our life. I also told him that trust and communication are very important in a relationship. I was trying a way for him to open up voluntarily. After I went home, he sent me a text: "You are so kind and gentle to me. I am very calm and at peace when I am with you. You are a giving and wonderful woman." I thanked his compliments but worried about him, I told he must be easy to himself and want to keep our relationship and make it work. He didn't reply to it.

 

The following week was all right, he rang me twice and text me almost everyday. He said he was busy at work. We only met once on the 17th, we did a bit Christmas shopping. He showed me around his school where he learns Japanese language and told me about the meeting with that girl. We went back to his home. I cuddled him into sleep as he was too tired from working. Then I made love with him. He didn't expect it nor know I wanted to be more intimate. He couldn't understand why I like him so much as he was not treating me well. He thought I could easily find someone better than him. I asked if he was suggesting I should find someone else. He replied of course not. He cooked for me, it was delicious. He was quiet, didn't talk much that day. I felt his uneasiness and absent-mindedness, and wondered why he sent me home so early, why didn't spend more time with me. I thought it must due to his tiredness. I didn't stay over with him because of my snore, which is due to my nostril problems, but it's curable. It made him couldn't sleep last time.

 

On 20th of Dec., over a phone call his attitude, on which if wanted me to accompany him to the single's party, if we would meet up before Christmas, if we would see more often in future, was weird. I pointed out there was a need to talk b/c I realized he was different from what he was at the first week. He said it was b/c he doesn't like Christmas, and is having pressure at work and going to move flat. He went to the party without taking me. I was upset and was going to show up there suddenly without letting him know. I didn't go finally. I didn't call him for 2 days as I was upset with being ignored by him. He didn't reply to my text massages or voice mails for 23rd and 24th even text massages wishing him merry Xmas. as well as asking time to meet.

 

On the 26th, he told me that he had been seeing another girl met in the single's party last week. He thinks we don't match each other well and he doesn't have any loving and romance feeling towards me. He doesn't feel any chemistry or spark in the relationship. He considers me as a good company but not someone who is so special that he wants to see, email, text and consume time and energy with frequently. He wanted a breakup. He said that I must have realized his changes. Of course, thereforeeee I demanded a talk. He found himself is very very very attractive to the new girl and would like to be with her rather than me. He considered our whole relationship was wrong. He doesn't mind to be a good friend of mine nor keep contacts and meet up in future. I was shocked, I didn't know how to react. I asked if he thinks there is a second chance, he said no as he's seeing someone. He never sees two women at the same time. He doesn't think it is fair for three of us. He admits that the new girl is a part of the reason of splitting up. Even though he hadn't found her, he would leave me anyway.

 

I cried in the end of conversation, I wish him have a good and successful relationship and have a happy life. Even though he didn't choose to be with me, I like him so much that I want him have the best in his life. He is a wonderful person, he deserves have someone better.

 

Not being with him makes me sad and depressed. I keep thinking of him and analyzing what I have done wrong. I realize my feeling for him is a lot more than I notice myself. I've fallen in love with him. When I learnt he spent New Year's Eve and New Year's Day with his girlfriend, which he calls her, when I learnt she met his parents when helping him moving to new flat, when his phone was engaged for long time when I was trying to call him, when I pictured them together, I was so jealous and angry with her. I can't stop thinking of him. I've been asking myself if I should let him go or win him back. I've spent years to look for 'Mr Right'. He has a lot of qualities in a man that I've been looking for and want to be with the rest of my life. Should I let him slip away from me or fight to win him back?

 

After a thorough thought, I called him to express my feeling. I asked if things I did and said on the night I stayed over in his flat hurt his feeling b/c it was a sudden change since then. He denied and refused to tell. He said his feeling for me has come and gone. I pled him to come back. He refused. I am very upset and hurt. How can I win him back? What have I done wrong to mess it up so badly and push him away to another woman? I can't figure out at all. Why a wonderful relationship changed suddenly? Does he think that I'm an easy woman sleeping around? Why he thinks our relationship was wrong? Only for sex? Does he doubt if I like him? What was it if it was not chemistry made us have strong feeling in first week? Is there any elements can make up for chemistry? Does he really mean to be friends or just try not to hurt me? Shall I talk to him again about a second chance? Should I keep contact with him as what I'm doing now? I have a lot of questions I want answered. I miss him so much. I can't eat or sleep. I'm getting crazy.

 

Please advice me what I have done wrong to end a wonderful relationship before it even started? What can I do to win him back? It seems he's getting along well with his new girlfriend. Will I have a chance to get him back? I'm prepared to do everything to gain him back! Help me please!

 

Thank you!

[Tigris]

You have done nothing wrong. The problem is that he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him.

 

He was not very thoughtful towards you or he would have been prepared and had condoms available.

 

In my opinion he didn't give your relationship a chance to develop properly.

 

I'm sorry but my advice is that you don't try and get back with him. You deserve someone better.

 

I hope you meet someone soon.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Lady Bugg]

Catty....

 

It's VERY normal for you to feel this way....the breakup was very recent and he ALREADY has someone else!! That would be a kick in the teeth for anyone!! Not only that, but during the holidays too....

 

I think you did the best thing youcould in wishing him well and a happy life.

Things very well may NOT work out for him and this new girl...and he might come begging YOU back. He is still in the very early stages of this relationship.I am NOT saying he WILL come back..but he will remember how good you were to him.

 

Do your best to keep busy...focus on yourself, and post here. You could try to 'win him back"....but the truth is,that probably won't help right now.I have done that..and it never has the desired outcome. Give yourself some time to try and grieve the breakup....but try not to obsess about it. Working out helps tremendously.

 

I hope you feel better soon ..

[Missing You]

Let me start by saying how much I feel for you at this moment with your story. What I am going to say to you will be my opinion from what you have told us:

 

(1) If you let others read your story, one of the things they will tell you is that you have sex with the person too early. From what I can tell, he is interested in having sex with you and that is why he was so loving and caring towards you before the sex. After the sex, he acted strangely for this reason!

 

(2) Like others will tell you, it is not worth pursing your hope of winning him back or maintaining the friendship, as it will only be messy. Would you like to have a triangle (the new gf, him and yourself) relationship?

 

(3) Personally, I think the guy won't work out with this new girl for the same reason, as his mind is having sex to release his stress from the bad marriage he has. Also, ask yourself the following: "Why did his wife left him in the first place?" Maybe, his wife found out that he cheat regularly!

 

Anyway, I hope you could gain some insights of my opinion, please feel free to message me.

 

Take care.