Paranoid of my ex-boyfriend, advice appreciated

[Lily04]

I broke up with my ex-bf a little more than a year ago. He was my first bf at 19 and he was 23, I was his first girlfriend ever. He was _really_ insecure and so was I, I suppose... looking back I could have done a hell of a lot better, but my self-esteem was shot and I just went out with him. It was a bad decision, which I regret. I don't think he'll let go of me. I joined the Facebook and after I added his friend but not him (I told him I couldn't be friends after our breakup) he e-mailed me a year later (just a few months ago) asking how I could add his friend, why aren't we friends, etc. etc... I was like, I haven't talked with you in more than a year and you left the country, please don't contact me, I can't be friends...

 

He then freaked out, called me a liar, our whole 'relationship' was a scam, etc. We dated for maybe 2 months over the summer. I told him after this that I didn't want to contact him, I'm sorry he feels this way, but I can't be friends... I'm just very different now and I.. honestly don't like him. I can't believe I even dated him. But of course I didn't want to tell it to him like that... anyway, the long story short, he took it the wrong way and said he'd vow to make everyone know what a horrible person I was until they all know. He knows I'm a student politician, and I might be running in elections in a few months...I honestly didn't _do_ anything wrong, it's all in his head. He's just very socially insecure and isn't right...

 

He then threatened a few other things, and I told him if he does that I'll have to contact the cops and possibly take legal action against him.

 

I don't share many of the same friends with him but there's this one guy I was sorta interested in at the beginning of the year, who I'm not so much attracted to anymore. He's also a student politician, and my ex really envys him because he's popular, etc... anyway, he added me to Facebook as well as a friend, we started talking... but I messaged him a few weeks ago, and he never responded. Then I see my ex dropped a 'hello' in his photo album. Now I'm concerned that my ex. told this guy horrible things about me. And I don't know what else he's saying either. I don't know if he did or not... but if he tells this guy I dated him, he will probably think I'm crazy. I just feel really bad... I mean I know dating my ex. was a mistake, but I was depressed and going through a lot at the time... and I never had a boyfriend so I said OK. I liked him decently enough I guess... but now I'm scared it will come back to haunt me, if I do run in elections and perhaps in the future.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible because I feel like it's out of my control -- I don't know who he's talking to about me, or if he's still trying to find out about me and googles me constantly like before... he's in a different country though, thank god, but I feel like I want him out of my life and I just don't want to think about him ever again... he doesn't e-mail me but I get the feeling that he still checks up on me, and I don't want him to. I don't want him talking about me and wondering what I'm doing. I want him to MOVE ON. I DO NOT want to e-mail him though because that will incite more correspondance from him which I don't want. I suppose I just want a feeling of security... but I don't know how to get that.

 

Any advice appreciated.

 

edit: sorry, I was 19 when I dated him, I just turned 21 last month.

[melrich]

Hi Lily,

 

You really can't control what other people do. If I were yu I'd just put him out of my mind completely. Other people are smart, they will see wht he is doing for what it is. You should not even lend credibility to the guy by responding to anything he does at all. No contact whatsoever and don't bother trying to chase down rumors he is spreading.

[Lily04]

Hey Melrich,

 

Thanks for your comment. I'm going to bed now as well, lol, just had to post that... it's 5:00 a.m. here. Anyway, you're right. I messaged the guy I was somewhat attracted to, just briefly to say thanks for the help before, and so he can tell that I'm a decent person I suppose... unlike whatever my ex. is saying about me. I suppose I really can't track down what he's saying about me... my ex. is stupid though and I told him that if he says or does anything with the intention to hurt me, I will sue him on various counts (libel for one) among others... and I said if he e-mails me again I will contact the cops. I haven't heard anything since. I think he thinks my threat is credible, which I hope, so that way he won't spread anything nasty... but it's the more subtle things i'm worried about. Like him messaging some person I'm interested in dating, and saying "hey, did you know I dated Lily? She's a great girl..." and then the person does a double-take and is like "woah, you dated this guy! low standards..." or something like that... but maybe not.

 

Thanks again,

 

Lily

[registered]

I think you're thinking about it way too much... just because he is capable of doing something like that doesn't mean he will... I've worried about a person doing something similar but my worries about their capacity to do stupid things simply made it seem like they were more likely to do them - this wasn't the case though.

Your fears seem like you are just really anxious, but there isn't a need to be anxious - yes, he is capable, but no, it's not as likely to occur as you think it is.

 

You can act on threats he makes and take these to the police. If he ever harasses you in any way then make sure you go to the police. Apart from this there isn't much you can do except ignore him... that should be all you need to do too.

 

I agree with Melrich, you can't control what other people do. Just forget about him, don't even think about him and you'll never have to worry about him again most likely.

 

Your insecurity comes from unecessary anxiety. If you stop worrying and let it all be you will find that security you need.

[Lily04]

Thanks registered. I think you're right. He is now out of my mind.