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January 9, 2006 in Relationship Advice
Yup. All resolved.
I understand your dilemma Contento.
You would have to be subjective with your decision. What you need to ask yourself is, are you able to let go of her past and appreciate her for what she is now? If her past actions weigh too heavily on your mind, then let her go, for demons such as these have a way of finding their way back to haunt your relationship.
It is not easy to love someone for what they are now. Then again, I won't say that "doing 2 guys at one time" is something trivial which can be discarded easily. Being human, we would let that occasional doubt creep in, causing more havoc than is needed. True enough, loving someone means to forgive and forget, but even so, how much can we forgive and how much can we forget?
Bottom line is, if her past is catching with you, then go your own way. No amount of love, trust nor sweet nothings can resolve those doubts.
i think if you really love you will love her for who she is now- gosh the things i have done ..... everyone has a past jeff- if you really love her this wont enter your mind- she did a mistake- she was young- havent u made mistakes? are u really perfect.... i was with a guy that a threesome and i didnt bother me- as long as he didnt do it with me- he had grown and realised he did it as a lack of disrepect for women- i think u are being too hard on her- its her past get over it and move on with this wonderful gal that means so much to you and visa vera
maybe its the shock of knowing that she isnt as perfect as u imagine but remember she may have done this out of a lack of self esteem-REMEMBER THAT-
bleeder sorry i respect what u say but i dont agree this gal made a mistake why should she suffer for it for now- forgive and look into her soul and see her for who she is- ask her why she did it- i guarantee she will say she regrets it
forget the past live for the future my dear jeff
I do respect what you are saying too, Behappy. To say that you can forgive someone is easy, but sadly, it doesn't equate to the fact that you can forget the act and carry that burden for the rest of your life. My point is, either one is able to love their partner for what he or she is now, or one would always be bothered by their past acts.
I know that it is unfair, but forgiving someone and most of all, forgetting it totally, requires more than we'd like to know.
Thanks for all of your responses, I would love to hear more.
One things I'm trying to determine is whether what she did was really a "bad" thing. If I were her, would I do the same thing? As a guy, I wouldn't mind two girls, most guys wouldn't. I obviously wouldn't do this while dating anyone and neither did she, but females typically don't tell their boyfriends all of the things they've done so I don't think we're really used to knowing all of this type of information...but still hard to take in.
I can live with it and I don't believe it will eat me up inside. She hasn't done anything wrong in our entire relationship so there's nothing bad there. I feel a little bit like this is out of Chasing Amy...I can accept what she did, but is what she did bad? good? normal? I guess it depends on your views on sex, casual sex, etc...I'm still developing and adjusting these views, but want to do it objectively which is why I'm here.
i think its wrong but she may not have known what she was doing at the time jeff
If you can forget her past and love her now for who she is now then stay with her, but you must make a promise to yourself and her that it will never come up again. This is not something you should bring up in an argument or anytime you want to "hurt" her--as some people tend to do. Can you let it go?
If it bothers you so much, and it does or else you would not be posting, then maybe it's best you let her go. She should not be judged at this time by things she did in her past that had nothing to do with you. You obviously believe in her character.
Either way it's what you can live with that matters and that's how you should make your decision.
I can accept this and never bring it up again to her, that doesn't bother me.
I just want to know what to think of it. Is what she did wrong? Is it just a mistake she made? Is it something that should be okay and accepted or not? How big of a mistake is this? This is all, of course, opinion, so I'm looking for some more logical conclusions of how I should take it if anyone has any ideas...
I understand your questions there Contento.
The answer actually lies with her, and not us really. If she is able to face up to it, which she already did, and state that it was a mistake, then it is one. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to sex, it will always remain dependent on an individual's opinion. Speak to her, and arrive at your own conclusion based on her reply. I hope this helps.
What she says about it and how you feel about it is all that should matter. Don't judge her based on everyone else's personal opinions...some of us are more messed up--and judgemental--than we should be. Just a suggestion....
contento thanks for all your advice in my post i really appreciate it////
i think logical what she did was wrong but i think you need to ask her about it dig alittle deeper
why did she do it?
than you will find answers i think you are struggling with the question of - if your women is capable of this - what else is she capable of? here you fall in love with the perfect image and than you find sh isnt perfect- its shattered you- you will only make you realise that noone is perfect and that loving someone comes with pain aswell
Interesting story, I would think that what she did was normal, maybe even helpfull for her. Think of it this way: lets assume everything goes so well in your relationship and stays that way and you get married and have kids. When those kids come of age, if they do something similar, there mom is going to know how to handle it a whole lot better than they or maybe even you can.
In the end I would say that it almost gives her an edge. Now no man likes the thought that someone else has touched there GF, but that isn't what your asking is it? Your asking and you said it quite clearly you "want to know what to think of it" Well I can only give you my male perspective on it.
That is she really didn't do anything wrong, and that she can make her own decisions. I would accept her for who she is and what she has experienced, and I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it at all. Why would you? you can't change it, she is with you now, and if you do make a big deal out of it you may loose her.
EDIT: oh yeah, one more thing, this is an exelent lesson for men: "Don't ask you GF what she has done w\ other guys, unless the answer is "i'm a virgin" you won't like the answer, instead wait until your ready to get married, then ask. These things are a real pain in the * * * to have revealed to you when your 42 years old."
Given that you have stated more than once that you would do the same with two women if given the chance outside of a relationship, I think you've already answered your own question: if it's okay for you, it's okay for her. Anything else would be a double standard, and very unfair to her.
As to what is 'normal': there is no such thing, it's completely personal. For example, I can't imagine ever having sex with someone I don't love, but that doesn't mean that I'm abnormal, or that it's abnormal that millions of people out there do enjoy casual sex: we're just different. As to what is 'good' or 'bad' - as I see it, so long as no-one gets hurt, it's not bad. Your girlfriend wasn't hurting anyone.
From your posts, it sounds like you have a great relationship and a great girlfriend: don't let something that happened long before you were together (and which you admit you would do yourself given the chance!) stand in the way of that!
One thing I have learned the hard way is NEVER ask questions to which you can't handle the answers...especially when the questions involve sex. If she has a reputation of being a "party girl" a few years back, one can only imagine what she has done. I am not saying all party girls do such things but there is a pretty good chance stuff happened. In this instance, ignorance is bliss.
Yes, I do think you are being a bit hypocritical when you think having two girls is awesome and a dream come true for you meanwhile, her being with two guys is a castrophe. It's not wrong as long as your GF doesn't think it's wrong. If she chalks up to her wild days and has no regrets, then no...it's not wrong...let it go.
Why are you questioning her fidelity all the time? Why should she suffer because you were barking up the wrong tree and she was honest with you in the meantime? You rave about her talents, level-headedness, and other positive things....but those things don't matter if you can't trust her. Trust is the number one ingredient for a healthy and happy relationship...everything else takes the backseat....if you don't have trust...you have nothing.
If she has not given you any inclination that she is cheating, let it go. Do not question her fidelity to you. She should not have to suffer because of your insecurities. Move on and enjoy having this lovely young lady in your life...if you can't get past it....let her go..you are wasting her time and your time if you can't fully trust her. Take care and wishing you all the best.
Thanks for the responses.
I never questioned her fidelity and fully trust her, I was just stating that I typically do and am able to tell whether someone is fooling me or not.
I'm also fully capable of learning anything about her past and accepting it, however each piece of information I take, I like to understand why it happened and whether it's good, bad or doesn't matter for us.
I guess the outcome here is, based off of other comments:
a) she can make her own decisions
b) as long as she isn't hurting anyone, there's nothing wrong
c) I shouldn't care what other people's views on her are (I might if it escalated to a huge number of people with a negative view)
d) don't be a hypocrite
I think that does it. Thanks for all of your help...I'll still be reading additional comments if there are any.
"So basically she's been nothing but incredible to me since we've met and has not done anything to ever even have me question that, and I always questions my gf's motives, fidelity, etc.."
This was from your orgininal post...so what does this mean? I am a little confused.
Ah, what I was getting at is "I completely trust her, even though I typically question my girlfriends" meaning I'm objective enough to tell obvious signs of distrust, infidelity, etc, despite being in love with her.
I don't know...maybe I am beating a dead horse or off my hinges...but I am still confused. With trust, there are no ifs, ands, or buts. Either you trust her or you don't. Questioning anyone's motives is a sign of distrust to me.
Her past is her past, and if she has herself said it was a mistake, it IS the past, it is not whom she is now, and she shows that in her actions, then I think you either need to accept it and let it STAY in the past, or realize you cannot accept it and allow her to move on to someone whom can accept it.
It's important to realize that while our past is part of whom we are, it is not what DEFINES us. I think a LOT of women go through some horrible stages of low self esteem where such things are not that uncommon, but it does not define their lives or their characters for the rest of their lives. They look for love in all the wrong places so to speak, but eventually they learn they are being self destructive and move on from it.
What she did was not "wrong" for her at the time, she may not regret it, or indeed she may, but it was suited to her at the time, in HER mind. How big of a mistake or regret it is is dependent on her own beliefs, experiences and it's context. Just because it may not of been a mistake, does not mean it is not a regret, nor does it mean it is something she would ever do again.
One should never ask questions they are not prepared for, but it sounds like she was honest with you, and trusted you would accept her for whom she is NOW, and not reject her for a past fling. If you HAD had that threesome with two women yourself, would you want her to hold that against you, and question your fidelity to her? Would that be fair? Probably not, because it does not affect how you are as a person now, or your commitment now, right?
What you have to look at is the now, she appears to be very honest, committed and in love with you. She certainly also seems very loyal and trustworthy and has confidence in your feelings to her as well. If you can accept her for whom she is, love her for whom she is, and leave her past in the past, along with YOUR past, then embrace her fully, and enjoy being together. Enjoy all she is NOW, not regret what she was then. But if you can't, set her free. I think it's pretty apparent you care about her though, so I hope you can just move on from it.
Yeah, I do have to agree with that.
I hate when people say things like "I trust HIM, but I don't trust the other girls at the club". Because really, the other girls at the club should not matter at all if you truly trusted him, they could hit on him like a hungry dog on a bone, and he would still turn them down and tell them he was not interested.
Saying "I trust them....but......." to me is "I trust them only because I don't have any proof yet!".
Thanks. I trust her and am fine with what happened (at no time did I reject her or tell her she was wrong, etc.).
Time for me to move on with her.
Jeff, i think you're referring to not having trusted previous girlfriends, right? Whereas you've always trusted your current girlfriend? I think the phrasing is confusing people.
I like the conlusions you've come to!
Another thing I thought of...
Some people do what is called "truth dumping" - they tell you about their past, because they almost want forgiveness, or approval, or acceptance, as they are not comfortable with their past. Those whom ARE comfortable with their past are often the ones whom will spare the nitty gritty details and be more likely to stick to the "don't kiss and tell" policy.
I think this may show more that perhaps your girlfriend really was going through a period of insecurity and low self esteem, and it might be because she WAS seeking your acceptance of her that she did tell you.
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