9 months on

[fIIsion]

Been a while since I lasted posted on this forum.

 

In a sense I have been moving on in my life, concentrating on work, spending more time with friends and family. I have little contact with the ex, now and again we meet up or just talk on the phone, although for the past 4 months, its seems I have been making more effort in making contact.

 

Most people, including on this forum have advised me not to stay friends with her and I sometimes wish that maybe I should of been strong enough to do that from the beginning.

 

I'm starting to find our so called friendship empty, she just about manages a text message from time to time, mainly in response to me, has cancelled numerous evenings out.

Last time we met up, she even told me that night , she would have cancelled again but did not want to hurt my feelings, as it turned out, the evening was a flop anyway as she made no effort at all in trying to enjoy herself, just complained of being tired from her new job, talked about herself, then wanted to go home after an hour.

 

I'm starting to feel real anger and I don't know if its right to feel this way, I mean we cant help the way we feel and we shouldn't stay with someone out of pity or comfort, but what really gets me upset is that for a long time she wanted to end the relationship, but did not have the guts to come out and say what she felt.

 

It feels like she was deciving me for a long time, trending water, and if it wasn't for the fact that I asked her one day if she still loved me, then who knows how long the facade would have carried on for.

 

Like a fool, I hoped that perhaps It was just something she was going through, maybe with time and patience we might re-connect.

But I now realise that getting back together is something that is the last thing on her mind, her indifference is painful and very confusing.

 

2006, I have made a committment to myself not to contact her anymore, it feels sad that things have to be this way, we shared so many things in our 6 years together, I was prepared to go the full distance, marriage, kids, growing old, but it feels that she just wanted something out of the relationship to get her through a phase in her life, she has a new job, new figure and plenty of confidence, my usefullness has come to an end.

 

With hindsight, staying friends has been a bad choice, I'm not over her emotionally and friendship does not seem genuine.

What I'm worried about is that I don't know If I could ever trust anyone ever again, I invested so much into the relationship and for a long while she led me to believe that she loved me so much, wanted all the same things.

 

Do I have a right to feel angry?

[pos69sum]

you do but - you have to separate any residual romantic feelings you migiht have from the situation. in that respect, you probably don't have a lot to be angry about.

 

if you had a guy friend who was preoccupied with things at school, or his girlfriend that constantly nags, and you try to drag him out of the house but he is just no fun to hang out with - do you have a right to be angry at that guy? not really, you basically just have a right to be annoyed with him.

 

that's about how much right you have to be angry w your ex right now, although a part of you is still in the mindframe from when you were in a relationship together, which is making you feel much more intensely about this situation.

[pos69sum]

i would just try to NC as much as possible with this person. it sounds like it's not good for you to be around this person right now, it just makes it more difficult for you to be happy. perhaps in the future when you've gotten more distance...

[fIIsion]

Thanks for the reply, sorry to hear that you are going through the same sort of thing.

 

I think what upsets me most is the feeling of being used, which is probably not true but as you said, my mindset is still in relationship mode.

[Boomer]

Hey,

 

I think the reason she wanted to be firends is to relieve the guilt feeling for break up. Typically what dumpers do. What is the point for you to stay friends with her if it only upsets and angers you. You want and deserve more. Does she date anyone now? If she is, then this might be the reason she is not interested in maintaining contact anymore.

[Boomer]

I read the previous posts. I do not understand why she just lost feelings.

Maybe you have been together for so long so of cource relationship takes a different form .Was there any other guy she got involved with? I really feel for you and imagine how you feel since I feel bad myself with 6 months relationship ending. You can;t really make the other person want you. What often happens is when you are doing NC you are unavailable and people tend to miss and want what they can;t have. Just keep your commitmnet and do NC. This is only good for you. If she misses you she will find the way to contact you, if not you are better off without her. In my case it is the probably the second one.

[fIIsion]

Thanks for your reply, as far as I know there was no other guy involved, and still isn't.

 

I don't think it was about meeting someone else, although that will happen in time, more about changing the direction of her life.............long story but suffice to say she wasn't happy with the way things were going.