Dire Straights

[Lokylom]

Hello everyone,

 

I am certainly in Dire Straights with my marriage. My wife and I have a 9 month old daughter. My wife had been acting funny for quite some time. Finally I got her to tell me what was bothering her. She wanted to leave. There we some comprimises that we had made that I failed to fulfill. No problem right? She agree'd to go to counselling, and we recomprimised. During the whole time she refused to be intimate with me, what so ever. She felt that she had a severe lack of respect for me due to me negligence to fulfill my prior comprimises. Well for the duration of the period of which I had fulfilled my comprimises she constantly made comments like "we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, you on one end want to stay in the relationship and that woukld make you happy. I on the other had want to leave and that would make me happy. Ethier way one of us gets hurt." then when I talked to her a bit more she would say the relationship was "maybe" salvageable. Well 6 weeks went by and one day after my emotions had been completely run ragged. I confronted her (in a calm and polite manner) My argument being that it was unfair for me to be putting in my 150% and she was just flopping back and forth with her commitments. She then told me she had cheated on me during our engagement on multiple occasions with multiple partners. All noted, I struggled on. During the whole conflict all she would talk about is her, her, her. When I finally had enough of that I asked her what about our daughter? Don't you want to at least make an honest effort at this and try to form a stable parental unit for her. She agreed again to go to counselling (still she always had an excuse not to go). Upon realising that my efforts may all be in vain. I asked her for an honest answer. Not a "maybe". And she told me that she wanted to leave definitely and she had already made arrangements to move out. Upon hearing this I made one last deperate attempt at resolving the situation, purely for my daughter at this point. And she agreed to go see a counsellor with me next weekend. I called made the appointment. Then she repeatedly started argueing with me that no matter what she wanted to leave. Every sense in me tells me to let her go. But this has happen two other times in our relationship. She always came back. I finally talked her into at least talking to a psychiatrist, as there must be an underlying circumstance as to why she has this pattern of emotional instability. But unfortunately she left to go out with a friend of her's, took our daughter with her, and hasn't returned since. Now I am in complete disarray. I'm worried about who she's talking too, what advice their giving her (good or bad). The well being of my daughter, a million thoughts are rushing through my mind. On the last note, I apologise this is a lengthy topic. Her relationship background is extremely rough. She is an ex-stripper, her fathers been divorced 4 times her mother 4 times. I know I went up agains't all odds here. But, I love her. Thanks for all those who took the time to read this.

[Lokylom]

I understand your point, but things between us are fantastic until a certain amount of time passes by and then she starts having issues again.

[Lokylom]

No, it's not. I want total commitment as anyone would. But until she works through whatever issue's she may be dealing with, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Shadows Light]

Given her back ground.. your wife has allot of issues.

There's a book called, "Dance of Intimacy".. and then another.."Dance of Anger"... by Harriet Lerner, its written for women. but Harrriet Lerner comes up with some sound logic.

 

Children come to us as blank slates. As empty hard drive computers. And they take it all in like sponges. Everything. Everything that happens in their environment. And as they grow up.. the way they act.. or the way they think.. is all drawing from experience from the hard drive that has been hard wired.

 

So... You know about relationships.. and your idea of what a relationship should be like is based on what you learned. What you saw. And when you come together with your wife... you are trying to dance.. and she's dancing a tango.. and you are dancing a waltz. And then BOOM. You guys are out of synch.

 

Now.. that is NOT saying that we all wind up like our parents. Some people are conscience in that they saw MOM and DAD and saw bad things.. and they strive to actively be different. But that takes a LOT of work.

 

Your wife... had parents who had multiple marriages. Had what sounds like an unstable childhood. She's lost alot. Before she had the chance to settle down to a NEW person in a parent role.. another one was on the way in.. or out. THAT is what she knows. Her parents taught her that the way to solve problems was to get a new model. She has NO PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS. She didnt Learn it. Its NOT her fault. Its all she knows.

 

That she was a stripper... uggghhh.. god that plays on your self-worth. Big time. She felt good in one respect... and felt like crap in another.

 

Yeah... you did land in it deep didn'tcha??? I know you love her.. and I know you want to fix this. And there is only sooo much that YOU can do. And you are right... before ending a marriage every stone should be left unturned... especially when children are involved. Your little girl is absorbing all of this.. the first 3 years are the formative years. The first 5 years the bonding years.

 

Your wife may have been reluctant to go to counseling before because she's ashamed. Ashamed of her upbringing. Ashamed of what my have happened in those years. Ashamed of the career path she chose for a whle. She may be AFRAID.. that a Doctor.... someone with a degree will look at her.. and be able to read her.. judge her.. and pronounce judgement that she's a LOON.. and HAS MAJOR ISSUES.. completely nuts.

 

And I say that tongue in cheek. Because I had a classmate who went on to college and became a shrink. And I always squirmed in his presense. And asked him one day... "do you privately sit there and pigeon hole people and try to figure them out?" and he said "aye.. its what I do.. but I don't practice my craft outside the office.. or give advice without being invited. Why??" and I told him.. that I felt uncomfortable because he'd think I was NUTS. LOL. Far from it he assured me.

 

But never the less. Its a fear. That someone will KNOW. That someone will confirm your suspicions about yourself. The think is... I realized that my problems were bigger than me. And I needed to find out how to handle things. I needed skill sets. And after I'd talked to my first counselor.. I realized.. "I DON"T KNOW HER... I WON"T SEE HER OUT OF THE OFFICE.. I CAN TELL HER ANYTHING.. THATS what she's paid for."

 

IF you can get your wife into counseling with you. It would help. Your wife is also a NEW mother... and Post Partum depression.. happens up to a YEAR after having a baby. The whole hormonal change thing... its awful. And your body is NEVER right afterward.. even after you get back into your jeans again.

 

Then there is NEW ROLE you have to play. MOTHER. And you are so unsure of yourself.. and a baby..OMG.. a baby is soooo much work. And NOTHING is the same. It takes a while to settle in. Having a good support system of other young moms.. and her own mom helps. If she's got that. If she is hanging out with NON Mommies... ohhhh honey.. they won't understand. And their lives... WILL look alluring to her.

 

As a new mom you are exhausted and feel drained by this little beautiful angel.. who in turns seems like an energy vampire sucking the life out of you... lol. The books don't tell you all this.

 

The Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving the First Year of Motherhood (Paperback)

by Vicki Iovine.

 

was probably the best book I found to shed some light to a NEW MOM that all these feelings were normal.

 

Really.. big big decisions shouldn't be made during pregnacy or the first year after. The mind and body are WACKED.

 

When your wife says that she doesn't know what makes her happy in another person.. well I'll tell you. Happiness has to come from within first. She needs to be happy with herself. You've heard the trite adage that you have to love yourself to LOVE someone else.. its true.

 

One of the most profoundest quotes I ever heard about marriage is from.. Susand Serandan.. in Big Leauge. She said.. "A marriage is a sharing of your lives. You don't live each others life. You share it. And your partner is there to be a witness to you.. that you have lived your life well. That you existed."

 

So again... stay calm. Take the high road. And... go to counseling. See if you can get her to go into counseling. DO NOT.. blame her.. or place all the blame on her.. or make her feel attacked. You'll lose momentum. I think she does need to find herself.. she's right. But she can do that through counseling and therapy.. she needs to put her past to rest. And leaving a marriage.. will make it harder to do that. The care of a child on her own.. will exhaust her. Finding another relationship.... will only put a band-aid on it.. and is a short term cure for her. It doesn't heal or resolve where she's at. And this time around... she has a child to think about... does she want her child to wind up in her shoes??? She needs to break the cycle.

 

Yes.. she is all about her her her her her.. because its never been her. Her parents never thought their relationship hopping would imprint. And apparently it did. Now she's struggling.. cause she only has that blue print or pattern to follow of what a loving relationship should be like.

 

Sorry about the lengthy response.. I hope it makes sense and you get something out of it.

 

Feel free to PM me at anytime.

[Shadows Light]

ohh and her infidelity during your engagement.. your wife may have learned or think that LOVE is intimacy. Its the rush feeling of hot torrid sex. She hasn't learned LOVE. It was never shown to her. I'm sure she feels guilt ridden about it... or confused about her actions.

 

She's allot of work ahead of her. Not insurmountable.. but you know what.. as I said.. She's got to want it. She's got to see it as a problem and she's gotta want to fix it.

 

Its just like an alcholic or a drug addict.... they've gotta see the problem and face it straight on. An intervention sometimes works with those problems.. but I'm not to sure about marital difficulties.