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So, I've like a guy for a while, we met the first week of November, been hanging out every now and then. but hanging out with him sort of sucked because he always had something to do afterwards and cut things short and didn't invite me along with his friends if he had plans with them etc. and he doesn't say much about himself.


it seemed like things were getting a little bit better, new years eve we hung out, it was really nice, but then, once again, he cut the night short, said he had to hang out with his parents, later said his parents fell asleep and he hung out with his cousin and his cousins g/f. but he never asked me along. i just went home and sat by myself. ?? so anyways, it sucked. he left his comb in my car, so i called to tell him about it and we got to chatting and he encouraged me to visit my family i haven't seen in 9 years. and i went. i let him borrow my laptop while i was gone.


when i got back, i called him and talked to him for a little while about what happened. he said he'd bring by my computer but he never came or called. i called him and he had been asleep. i went to his house and picked him up. he did not give me a hug or anything. he could probably see the look on my face, he was like "are you o.k.?" i said yeah, just tired, and left with the computer.


i felt bad and wrote him an email the following day, just saying i felt like he didn't really like me, cause if he did he'd treat me differently, i thought, and that i knew i didn't ask for what i wanted but it seemed like i shouldn't have to ask to be treated a little bit like a lady.


he did not write back, but i was not surprised as it's well established he doesn't like email as a form of communicating feelings. so... i didn't worry about it. i still hadn't brought his comb back, so i put it in an envelope and left it at his front door, did not knock or anything. i also left a poem inside of it about my experience at my parents house, and the feelings it envoked in me. it was really personal...


he called me at 8:45 this morning and asked me to call him back. should i call him? if i do, what should i say? i feel like i've made myself so emotionally vulnerable to him, like i'm standing naked in front of him and i don't even know him that well...


This was the poem I left him...

Reflecting reflecting

I drove the long way down

With an empty mind

8 hours south through the rain

Music bumping, I thought not of the pain

Of 9 years past.


My teeth clenched, I drove I drove and I drove

I did not stop til I got there


Beauty met me in the smiles of friends

In the gentle caresses of a mother and child

Sweet caring

That I knew distorted

By mental illness and lithium pills

And sweaty dreams of my mother turning into a man

Big roaches, statues statues statues of Mary,

Rosaries and 5 Life Sentences to Purgatory


And my heart tightens like my throat does

Wish something different in this world

That I could give

Than what I knew and heard

My diary burned,

Claire is a Satan Worshipper

Bad Girl Bad Girl Bad Girl


And… the fists in my face my body all bent

The tears ripped from my body with abandon ment

Memories like reflections all distorted and confused

I did not notice the empty chairs

In the nonsensical world of mental delusion


I was a mischievous girl with black nails

And green painted lips

Rejecting rejecting rejecting


Fearing Genetics


And the gentle smooth voice of a friend as she says

I’m Sorry.

I’m Sorry.

I’m Sorry that happened to you

I’m glad you escaped.

Washes over me.


I wish I were a child again

So I could bury my head in your shoulder

Feel sweet caresses

And hear you say

You Are Good. I Love You.

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I would love to have someone like yourself seem interested... I kinda had the same problem you did over new years... Trying to get over an old relationship at the same time... I tried my best to make the first moves and show her im interested, but she only backed off, her friends and everyone else is like, SHE LIKES YOU OH SHE LIKES YOU SHE WANTS YOU... but I cant even get this girl to sit next to me. Kick him in the balls and tell him what is up.. If he doesnt come through then tell him to get lost!

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