What do guys want from me?

[Prufrock06]

I'm in something of a mild funk this afternoon and figured this was the best place to voice some of my concerns.

 

I've made one of my New Year's resolutions to start dating and meeting gay guys either for dates or hopefully an eventual relationship. So I guess my first concern is looking for any advice/suggestions on dating in gay circles. Are there any major differences in heterosexual versus homosexual dating?

 

And so in thinking about this, I guess I've been thinking more and more about what guys want from other guys, what other gay guys find attractive and worth investing time in dating and a relationship. I was too closeted in the past to even think about flirting with another guy, let alone date one -- and so now that I finally feel like I have enough self-confidence to start dating, I have no idea where to start or what to do. I've thought about trying to meet people on the Internet or through some online community like facebook or myspace or one of those deals but when I scout through the pictures and profiles, I feel this overwhelming sense of dread -- like along the lines of thinking, "what could I possible have that would keep the interest of so-and-so" or "how can I compete with so many perfect specimens of the male form?"

 

I mean, I consider myself to be cute and attractive but certainly not physically perfect, like I stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement. I feel like I have a great personality, I'm funny and easygoing and engaging once I get out of my shell. I guess I'm just concerned with what guys are attracted to, be they the physical or emotional/personality aspects, and whether I have the type of face/body and personality to even bother putting myself out there. And it's complicated because sometimes I do find these "perfect" guys attractive, even though I personally am more attracted to cute guys than flawlessly handsome guys -- but am I the minority in thinking that cute is better than perfect? I just feel like if I were dating someone or in a relationship with someone who was perfect in that way, I would spend most of my time feeling anxious and paranoid about whether I was good enough for this guy to be around or whether he would leave me for someone better looking (although not necessarily someone with a better personality).

 

So I guess what I'm interested in hearing is what you look for in someone you'd potentially want to date or start a relationship with? What draws you to someone else? I probably should have posted this in another section of eNotAlone, but I wanted to get the gay male perspective on this issue since that's the focus group I'm operating in, even though I would welcome any advice/opinions from anyone.

 

 

I know this sounds like ridiculous "woe is me" ranting, and I suppose in a way it is -- but I figured if there was any place I could get away with it, it would be here among all you nice people

[mgirl]

Well, first of all, congratulations on your decision to enter the dating world!

 

My experience in the gay world is that there are two types of gay men. The first one is the insecure man who derives self-esteem from wanting to be desirable to other guys and sleeping around (these are usually the "attractive" guys you are talking about). They spend countless hours at the gym and never really settle down with one person, still walking around nightclubs at the age of 45 and beyond, looking for the love and acceptance they should have looked elsewhere for when they were younger.

 

The other type is the usually young and educated gay man, who is more grounded and secure within himself. Granted, they still probably like sex, but are usually more focused on career, family, reality, friendships and finding a partner, rather than the fleeting attraction of anonymous encounters with other gay men.

 

like I stepped out of an Abercrombie and Fitch advertisement

.

With all due respect, this is ridiculous. To be quite honest, i work in the gay community and i will tell you that when the lights come on at the end of the night, these guys do not look all that good. And also, most of their image is manufactured, eg., it is fake tan, whitened teeth, too many hours at the gym, sometimes steriods, often drugs, and most of their pay packets are spent on labelled clothing.

 

A friend of mine works in hospitality and hosted a function for a very exclusive hair-dressing salon, and framed it perfectly. "When you give these glamerous people alcohol and various substances, the ugly truth comes out in the end. They are not so glamerous when they are lying all over the floor and throwing up 3 hours later. They all looked so good when they walked in the door"!

 

Their profile pictures are probably not an accurate representation of what they are really like. I have seen profile pictures, but i have also seen those people in real life and have learned that it is their behaviour that helps determine their level of attractiveness, not exclusively how they look in their pictures.

 

 

even though I personally am more attracted to cute guys than flawlessly handsome guys

Well, you are probably better off staying that way because nobody is "flawless".

 

So I guess what I'm interested in hearing is what you look for in someone you'd potentially want to date or start a relationship with?

Okay, well, i am not a gay guy, but my recommendation would be to be yourself. Be a little bit outgoing, and be positive; nobody wants to be around a wet-blanket on their first date. Stand back a little and be discerning.

 

Internet dating does not seem that bad for the gay male, but make sure they are not the insecure Type A personality i was talking about at the beginning of my post, because no matter how hard you try on your first date, this type is so insecure that no amount of effort will make him return for a second date!

[Jinx]

but I wanted to get the gay male perspective on this issue since that's the focus group I'm operating in

I'll have a quick identity crisis and answer this post nonetheless.

 

I've made one of my New Year's resolutions to start dating and meeting gay guys either for dates or hopefully an eventual relationship.

I've made a similar Resolution to find love in my life. Though at times for me, resolutions are made to break. Despite that, I think this is one that most of us could at least examine if not actively try for it and succeed.

 

Are there any major differences in heterosexual versus homosexual dating?

When it comes down to the base element I believe the answer would be no. In both Homosexual and Heterosexual aspects, you have those relationships which are sex based or flings, the long term and the short term, and everything else you can think of there is an equivalent in both as for types.

 

Yet, and I think it may of been FoxLocke or you (Gentlemen please do correct me if I'm wrong on this quote. I remember sections from posts but not always who had wrote them a week or so later) that mentioned about negative Gay male stereotypes. That I would believe is a major difference and problem area, there are those out there that have been taught and follow without question the - Gay men have sex, Not love - idea and that can cause some serious problems for the men which are interested in the long term loving commitment.

 

I'd say on this aspect, before becoming serious with any man to straighten out just what he is looking for. If you're in for the dive and he is in for the night, well obviously we've got some minor problems which could result in a massive interest clash. Thus, resulting in heartbreak that could of been minimized before becoming too deeply attached.

 

This is another problem with MySpace and certain internet locales, all are worth trying, but I'd give an ouce of precaution on anyone because it may just end up more than likely with the above scenario, especially you can't read their body language over a computer. For myself that is a huge element that keeps me at bay from trying it, for certain individuals the internet is a place to play around you can say "Yes" and in the back of your mind a screaming No is going off, but who cares? The victim can't tell until the other one who lied has him/her wrapped around his finger and then upon meeting and eventually finding the truth its harder to break that link emotionally whereas this person could careless.

 

I do find these "perfect" guys attractive, even though I personally am more attracted to cute guys than flawlessly handsome guys -- but am I the minority in thinking that cute is better than perfect?

I do suppose in the end this all depends on what you can personally work with. If you believe you could maintain the perfect relationship with a cute but not perfect guy (physically), then go for it, because I see less problems in that situation than trying to pull the perfect guy, for both your mental and physical health. If you start feeling he is competition or in general causes feelings of anxiety then it will cause the relationship to go down even if he is perfect.

 

Also, not to over categorize or stereotype our model type men out there but it seems they have more chances for temptation and cheating than would a so-so kind of man. The perfect man gets two looks, the so-so usually gets one followed by the second upon becoming familiar with an individual of interest. I do completely realize it isn't always the perfect men that cheat, some of these perfect men are the ones that provide the perfect relationships as I observe, but its just a very generalized observation and most likely oversimplified to a degree.

 

So I guess what I'm interested in hearing is what you look for in someone you'd potentially want to date or start a relationship with? What draws you to someone else?

In general for myself it has always been first a person whom I can click with. If I can't hold a logical conversation with a person, it will bore me to tears and I just can't imagine more than next week in terms of knowing them, far less dating them. Nothing turns me off from a person more than starting a conversation, it becomes too deep for them so without warning they go into, "Heyy, I went to this bar last weekened..."

 

Have to love good humor and attitude as well. When humor is appropriate and the person can take life with some humor. On this note I suppose, someone who can laugh at their own mistakes instead of displacing all their mistakes on their partner or such.

 

Attitude, this is such a golden rule for me. My last relationship was with a man, and I learned this one in a hurry. I have absolutely entirely no interest in a person with a short temper, is unreliable, cannot take any blame, jealous, would rather engage in physical violence than logical reasoning. My boyfriend was just like that and was not nice by any means.

 

He was Bipolar I found out eventually, thats another point mental health is a major key. In my personal life I cannot tolerate someone whom cannot manage themselves. Patients are one thing, Partners are an entirely different game in life, besides the near 24/7 scenario of the latter. I suppose this all boils down to making sure the man you're interested in has no Red Flags and should they develop, you be ready to do something before they become serious.

 

Last but most important too, Physical. As you discussed and I replied too, you need that element of attraction that can be dealt with in a positive manner and best suits you.

 

All in all, physical aspects are essential but as I've said in many posts, when looks are taken away by age or accident we're left with the core of every person, who they truly are inside, their personality and that makes a lot of how a person is in the end result.

[Prufrock06]

"All in all, physical aspects are essential but as I've said in many posts, when looks are taken away by age or accident we're left with the core of every person, who they truly are inside, their personality and that makes a lot of how a person is in the end result."

 

I completely agree, and this is why I personally stress personality over looks -- even though my concern sometimes is whether other people feel the same way. I mean, a committed relationship means not bailing out when the wrinkles start forming or the hair starts thining. I've always felt that "dirty old men" are born because they can't handle adapting to the evolution of age; in other words, these men are in it only on a superficial, completely physical level and once that becomes "unappealing," the process becomes kind of developmentally halted. But perhaps my theories on "dirty old men" are best left in another post

 

But anyway, I hope I'm not coming off as a wet blanket or someone fishing for compliments (and how could I, considering all you know of me is from these posts?) -- I was more interested in posing this as a discussion question even though it was sponsored in part by real feelings I have sometimes, which is why I regret giving the thread the title "what do guys want from me" when the real subject should be "what do guys want from other guys".

 

I would consider myself the second "class" of gay man that mgirl speaks of, which is probably why I find it so frustrating to deal with this desire to start meeting people. I know at the end of the day these ideas of superficiality and desire for achieving perfection are rooted in stereotypes (though there are certainly cases like this in the real world) -- but knowing and believing are two different things. I guess I just need some work on believing that there are guys around there my age who have the same relationship interests as I do.

[FoxLocke]

Well, here's a post from an actual gay guy...hehe...lol.

 

Prufrock, I am so happy for you that you are going to get into the whole dating scene. I think that's great. I want to as well, but I'm brand new to the whole gay thing...But I'm coming along.

 

Anyway, when it comes to physical appearance of another man I don't really have a type. All know for certain is that I want to be treated well, period. I just really want and need someone who can really make a connection with me on a personal level. I don't want to do the club thing simply because I'm not just looking for a hot sexual encounter. I want someone that I could introduce to my mother and possibly start something long term...In the end all I want is love and happiness(I want lie. I do want to have hot intimacy..make no doubt about it!).

 

However, when it does get down to the physical thing I can't really pinpoint what my precise preference is. I have a broad scope of what I find beautiful about men. But what I don't like are: overweight men(I mean a few extra pounds is really nice, even pleasantly plump...But I am not at all attracted to morbid obesity ), hairy(Again, I love hairy chests but back hair is a complete turn off for me), Fem guys(I'm not talking about a guy who may have some feminine mannerisms...But I mean a guy who is basically a flamboyant woman with a penis. That is a complete turn off), and, lastly, the Type A guys that girl described in her post. I intend to avoid those like the plague. Admittedly when I watch adult videos(not to sound like a pervert or anything...lol...But I do watch them occasionally)I do love to see two beautiful masculine bodies having relations...However, I'm not really into huge burly men. To me that is somewhat intimidating. Plus, I don't want a man who spends more time in the gym than with me. Furthermore, I would like a guy who can talk to me about different issues, current events, literature, and films as opposed to football and how many squats he can do...

Myself people often describe me as "boyishly cute" or "innocent looking." I look really young for my age and I can be a bit of a prep sometimes or completely jeans and t-shirt...either or. Like you I'd rather be with the really cute guy as opposed to the awesomely attractive guy, because guys like that are probably only trying to sleep around.

 

For me every guy has somekind of quality that attracts me to him for some reason...It can be a: nice smile, pretty eyes, nice body(There was this baseball player who sat infront of me in my Poli Sci class, and he had the cutest butt I've ever seen...My day was only complete when I saw him walk away...teeheehee...>=)), nice lips, clean cut and well dressed, nice speaking voice, broad shoulders, or really tall(I love really tall guys...Nothing against short guys, but height makes my heart flutter...Then again I'm 5'8 so everyone is taller than me...lol)...Those are qualities that I really notice, and a guy does not have to have them all.

 

To me if someone is intelligent, sweet, and presents himself in a proper manner and shows that he is sincere that is really enough for me. I'm looking for true love...

So don't worry about appealing to all those shallow guys out there. If guy A or B doesn't find you attractive I guarantee C or D will.

[mgirl]

I just realised that i created 2 very distinct groups of gay men. What i should have done was start my post with the statement, "broadly speaking", or "generally speaking", because there is the first type and everything in between the first type and the second type that becomes the third type, a mixed group of everyone from punk, to alternative and even conservative.

 

The first type is a well-defined group though and sadly, really is the majority in the gay man world. And i know that i am assigning judgement when i say "sadly" , but when you see the revolving door syndrome that these guys (and i'm sure girls too) get caught up in, you really do start to see it in the broader sense of a social problem.

 

It is a very interesting point you raise about stereotypes and i often wonder myself why we as human beings subscribe to stereotypes and why a majority of gay men in particular subscribe to the stereotype of extreme masculinity. I am also curious to know the origin of these images of masculinity in terms of the gay male population and why some people worship it like a religion, but that is another topic for another day.

[Prufrock06]

I just realised that i created 2 very distinct groups of gay men. What i should have done was start my post with the statement, "broadly speaking", or "generally speaking", because there is the first type and everything in between the first type and the second type that becomes the third type, a mixed group of everyone from punk, to alternative and even conservative.

 

 

That's cool, mgirl. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that you were speaking in shades of gray instead of black and white. But thanks for clarifying.

 

And it is important to note that what makes this all the more trickier and frustrating is that there aren't two poles to which people can gravitate, but all these spots in between as well.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice so far! Needless to say, I always feel better after sharing my thoughts and feelings with you all.