how the dumper may feel

[confused89]

Hi Everyone.

 

this is just a post to say how the dumper may feel. i am going to use my friend as an example. i am going to call her sarah.

she was with a man for 3 years. she ruled the relationship. they broke up loads of times. (always her who broke it up).

when she broke if off with him he would cry and beg ect every time and text her for a few days after the break-up telling her that he would love her forever, and wait for her etc.

 

they did get back together loads of times. now my friend always knew that he was there waiting for her. and that she could go back to him anytime she wanted. its not that she did not have feelings for him, its just that she knew that he was always there waiting for her and that she could have him back whenever she pleased.

 

they stayed broke up for a year and got back together in october. BUT HE HAS BROKEN UP WITH HER. she is unable to handle it. she cant really get out of bed.

 

IT IS A COMPLETE SHOCK TO HER THAT HE HAS DUMPED HER. IT HAS MADE HER REALIZE THAT HE IS NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE THERE.

 

my point is, would it help at all if you tried to shock your ex like this. does your ex always think that you are there in the background, waiting for him, and that he can go back to you whenever he wants.

 

if the answer is yes, you could make him think that this is not true. you could date other people, if he sees you look like you are having time of your life, if you meet him (no matter how this breaks your heart) give him a big hugh smile, tell him you hope he is doing. you end the converstation and walk away from him.

 

make him think that you are not there in the background waiting for him, but rather moving on and having the best time of your life.

 

my friend and this guy broke up so many times, she was always the dumper and the break up did not effect her as she was the one doing the breaking up. she would go out, date other people, have a great time and go back to him whenever she was bored as she knew he was always there and would always take her back.

 

but now that she realizes that he is not always going to be there in the background it has given her a big hugh shock and she feels like she has got punched in the stomach.

 

my point is do not let your ex think that you are there waiting for him, you have to make him think that you are moving on with your life and you dont want him never mind need him.

it may just be the shock that he needs so he can see what he threw away!!

[karen95]

i agree. the "dumper" probably does think that you will be there in the background waiting for him. but i think that you would need a while of NC before trying to show your ex that you are "over him" so to say.

you would need to be pretty strong to keep this "act" up. but i guess it would help in winning them back - if they thought that you didnt care anymore. it would kind of fall into "people want what they cant have" thing.

[Lady Bugg]

Thank you for posting this Confused. I totally agree.

 

Being taken for granted sucks. Putting your foot down and saying "no more" is absolutely necessary sometimes. Your friend "Sarah" is PROBABLY in shock because her ex finally grew a spine and stood of for himself. Hopefully your friends ex won't come back, and actually teach her a lesson on how to respect other peoples feelings. As someone who recently FINALLY stood up for myself, I know how he probably feels. he probably didn't do it to hurt her either....but most likely because he got sick of being a doormat, and that was his only chance of getting back his self respect.

 

Caution: Only do this if you are doing it for YOURSELF. NO ONE else.

Don't do it to be vindictive or to get a reaction....because that will

backfire. When you've had enough..be ready to walk away for

good.

[Pikey1972]

I'd second that!

 

When my ex ended our relationship, I was a mess to begin with and kept contacting him (sending e-mails, calling, visiting, cards, etc). He said he wanted to remain friends so I figured that the more I contacted him, the more he'd want me back. Wrong!

 

After two weeks, a few friends advised me to do the exact opposite, i.e. "take time out for yourself, heal, give him space, stop contacting him, keep busy, spend quality time on your own", etc etc etc.

 

No sooner had I started doing LC, or he began to contact me more often wanting to do things. I turned most of his "offers" down, but would occasionally accept to go out, just to keep my foot in the door.

 

Perversely, we've now got to the stage where I'm "coping" better with the break-up than my ex, the dumper. Somehow I've managed to redisover my inner strengths I had a very good Christmas and NY, whereas my ex spent both occasions on his own and is struggling to get his life back in order.

 

Although I feel terrible for acting so aloof and unavailable (I don't like mind games, and at times this feels like a mind game), it has given me the strength to start again if my ex decides he doesn't want to rekindle our relationship.

 

So yes, your post makes sense IMO!

[Dako]

Clever! Yeah, make them jealous, play hard to get, make them feel "punched in the stomach" and win their heart.

Sure beats playing games.

 

What happens when this shock really hurts someone badly? How do you reconcile that with your conscience? I think leaving is more humane that exacting revenge, and you gain self-respect as a bonus.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[Pikey1972]

Yes, I don't particularly like exacting revenge - I'm still very civil with my ex (and vice versa), it's just that I've decided to make it absolutely clear to him that I'm no longer his doormat.

 

When we were in a relationship, I would often give up my spare time to be with my ex (I stopped volunteering at my local theatre, started to see less of my friends and went on holiday when he wanted me to go on holidays, not when I could afford to go).

 

Now that we're friends, he seems to respect me a whole lot more for doing my "own thing" and for saying no.

 

Although I don't like to see him hurting, I - somewhat perversely - feel great for having my self respect back!

 

It's a weird mixture of emotions...

[healinginnyc81]

Pikey, I think you got it right when you said you like having your self respect back. That's really important for winning someone's attraction. People may call it mind games but the reality is that we are more attracted to people when they have more self respect. When someone loses respect for themselves it makes other people start to lose respect for them also.

 

If you show that you are happy to move on without your ex, it lets them see that you are stronger and have more self respect than they realized and thus it brings back some of their respect and attraction for you. Of course, this isn't a fail safe plan - they won't necessarily forget the reasons for breaking up in the first place and maybe the negative emotions are still hanging around in their mind. That's part of the reason why you do no contact for a while so that both of you get past the negative emotions and they start to miss you again.

 

This is not a fail safe plan but it gives you the best chance. If it is a mind game then I would say so is putting on nice clothes and cologne/perfume because your intention is to be more attractive to other people. Just because you don't make your intentions clear to your ex doesn't mean you're playing mind games. You're just giving them a chance to see what they missed, it's still up to them to make the choice to come back.

[Pikey1972]

Yip, I totally agree, bkjsun!

 

How are you getting on, by the way?

[confused89]

i agree. i think that after a break up you do need NC to repair your self and make yourself stronger. after whatever amount of time has passed it MAY be possible to win your ex back. but you reallly have to be strong.

me and my ex broke up in june. that is why i was in this forum. but i have actually moved on.

but at this point if i wanted to try to win him back i would.

(this is all thinking, i have not done this, but i would actually be tempted to see would it work!!)

 

date other people and make sure he finds out or make him think you dating other people

 

look my absolute best if i was going somewhere there was a possibilty he would be

 

look happy, happy, happy with life. always laughing, smiling, having a great time!!

 

if i crossed paths with him i would smile, say hello and tell him i hope everything going good for him but make sure i end the converstion first and walk away.

 

if he was with another girl i would also say hello and smile at her, not showing any jealousy!!

 

and overtime i would try and build a friendship. i think this would take time as you dont want to push him/her into a frienship.

 

you could accidently show up in places he may be. this would have to be places that you were at before. not places where it is obvious that you are there to try and see him.

 

a few short converstions could build a sort of friendship again. maybe then you could start texting each other again. while you are building this friendship make sure you are happy with your life and only seem to want friendship. he/she cant know that there is a hidden agenda behind ths.

 

try and think back to see what first attracted him/her to you. what kind of person were you at the start of the relationship. what attracted him/her to you in the first place?? try and show those traits in front of him.

 

earn his respect. listen to him and be there for him. but not too much. do not under any circumstances become his doormatthis could actually be quite tricky.

 

i have read that the main three things in a relationship are friendship, respect, passion.

 

so you build a friendship with him( this may take time, he cannot see that you want him back.)

 

you listen to him, talk to him, do fun things with him. but dont become a doormat. also have another life. make plans with him, but cancel at the last minute and pretend that something else came up, even if you are just sitting at home.

 

continue to date other people.

 

"people always want what they cant have!" make him think you there are a friend, a person that listens to him, understands him problems, but not always available to come running to him. he will have to fit into your busy schedule.

 

does any1 else think that this could possibly work??

[healinginnyc81]

Pikey, thank you so much for asking and I hope you keep feeling better, keeping busy and living the life.

 

I'm not really sure how I'm gettin on. I'm all over the place from one day to the next. I just put up a post to somewhat sum it up called "where do I begin?".

 

But I've always been so emotionally closed because I've had a very unhappy life and that was my way of dealing. now I'm trying to let out my emotions instead of just pretending to be this detached unemotional creature I've always been. But I guess I just wasn't prepared to experience this. Who is? It's scary.

 

It's just we had about everything in common and I can't see how we weren't right for each other. But if she says she doesn't think we're right, I have to accept it, I just need something to make me believe that I can be happy again.

 

Having people here who care really helps, thanks again.

 

PS. confused, it sounds like a great plan. If you try it, you have to tell us how it goes.

[karen95]

that sounds like a plan i would like to follow. but its getting on friendly terms with the ex again that i would have the biggest problem with.

[lonelyfish]

I do think that's the best way to go about it and it coud work if your ex has a little spark left in his heart for you. I think sometimes the ex totally moves on without looking back. As I would also like a second chance with my ex I'm curious as to when you will take this plan into action and will you make the first move or wait for him to make contact with you again?

[karen95]

i want to get on friendly terms with my ex again. i am hopefully going to try and bump into him rather than contact him via phone/email etc.