How do I proceed?

[desdichado]

First, I would like to thank you for such a wonderful forum. Of all the many many websites I have looked to for advice, yours seems the most genuine.

 

Now to my problem. I met my fiance 4.5 years ago in college. I graduated a year ago. Once I established myself I proposed to her. She said yes! We were very happy.

 

She had to go back to school for another year to finish. Everything seemed fine.

 

2 weeks ago, just after she graduated, she came to visit me. She told me that she doesnt feel the same towards me anymore. She said that she loves me, but as a best friend. She told me that she thinks we should break up. We hung out the whole weekend basically crying together. She says that she met some guy and it made her wonder if she could be happier with someone else. Ever since that thought came into her mind she has been extremely depresssed.

 

She told me that she really wants to feel the same way about me again, but is not sure that it is possible. She also stated that she feels like she needs some time alone to be independent.

 

At the end of the weekend when she was about to take her ring off, she said that she just couldnt get herself to do it. I told her that I dont want to lose her and that I think if we try we could get through this. She agreed to give it some time and try to work things out but she is very afraid she will have to try and break up with me again in the future.

 

Since that day I have called her like twice/day asking her about "us". During Christmas I kind of invited myself to her families house and she let me come. I kept trying to make her like me again, but she said all the pushing I do is making things worse.

 

That day we agreed that I will stop pushing things. Since then I have only called her once/day and I have tried to keep the topic of conversation away from our relationship. Although sometimes I cant help myself

 

Today I asked her how she felt about being independent and she sited that her father has always told her what to do. I am also kind of guilty of that. When she tells me a problem I try to offer a solution. In her eyes it seems like I am giving her no choice. I guess I can be kind of over bearing. I did my best to just listen to her while she told me these things. At the end of our conversation I told her that I agreed that I can be too over bearing, which is certainly true. I told her I would try my best not to be like that and that I dont want her to feel like she has no independence.

 

She has been under alot of stress with moving, starting a new job, our relationship troubles, and other things. She told me she is emotionally drained and that she doesnt feel like she can be in any relationship right now.

 

She also said that she would like us to remain in phone contact, as long as we dont talk about "us", until she is ready to try again. She said she is afraid that I will wait for her forever, and she has no clue how long it will take her to get back to normal. She also said that she isnt sure that her and I could ever be the same again. I told her that I would be there for her no matter what she decides. I slo told her about some websites that I've seen where they say that this is a natural stage in love, and that there is a good chance she will feel different about me afterwards but the love will be even stronger. Is this true? or are those websites just telling people what they watn to hear?

 

I feel so bad right now, and so helpless. Is our relationship in serious trouble? What can I do to save us? Should I continue to call her and just talk small talk like a friend? Should I let her call me? Should I answer if she does? Some websites give advice about having no contact for like weeks at a time so that she can miss me. Is this normal for most girls? If I give her the space she is asking for is there a good chance she will come back to me? I feel like that would end up making us just friends.

 

You recommend to not call her or pursue her. I can do that... You also recommend to get her talking about things, but this is what she expressly asked me not to do.

 

I am so confused. Please help me!

[brando]

their are no guarantees in life. I would give her all the space she requests right now. Let her make her decision on her own terms. Enjoy your life go out and continue to make yourself happy.

 

No pressure. IS all i can advise. If you were in her shoes, how would u want her to respond to you???

 

be well,

brando

[RayKay]

Welcome!

 

Well it sounds like she has a lot going on in life and has been doing some analysis of where she is at and what is going on her life. This is pretty normal, unfortunately it also seems that some of that doubt has affected you as a couple.

 

I will be short and sweet...don't tell you are are going to be there for her forever. Don't even show you will be. She may not come back to normal, because this is normal already. Yes many relationships go through this....some work through it together, but many also don't. When they do, it is because they work through it together, and also move on....they heal before reconnecting. Otherwise, all the issues remain and return.

 

Well, yes it is in trouble...because it is over. Read "It's Called a BreakUp Because It's Broken". It's written more towards women, but has lots of great points for men too.

 

Listen to what she IS saying, not what you hope she is. When she says she fears you will wait forever, it's because she really does...she knows that you might and she already feels she might move on. Don't tell her what websites or books say, it just demeans her feelings right now. It adds pressure. If she wants to work things out, she has to decide that from her heart, and tell you directly.....not play games, or lead you on.

 

No one here can tell you what will happen. She may realize she has lost something wonderful, she may decide she has more to live alone. Telling her your feelings, calling, will only push her away as they seem clingy. To you they are sharing, to her they are pressure. You can't force someone to come back, but you sure can force them away. You need to work on moving on so no matter WHAT happens, you are in a good place to accept it, or decide if it's the right decision for you at that point.

 

You have to accept it as over, and work on yourself for now. I would really limit contact, even no contact, but at the very least limited contact, to start healing. Don't put yourself in a situation where she leads you on (even if unintentional) or you hurt yourself even more.

 

RayKay

[desdichado]

Thanks for the advice. I agree that I need to stop pushing. No matter what happens between us though, I will not wait for ever. I told her I wont. However, I would like to be there for her. As much as I am hurt, I hate seeing her so depresed at the same time.

 

Do you think that it will be easier for her if I stop contacting her also? She hasnt officially dumped me really. She stopped wearing the ring, but she still has it. She says that if she gives it back she is afraid our relationship will be over forever.

 

I feel like if I stop answering her calls or dont call her back, she will feel abandoned. I don't want her to be hurt. I can accept us breaking up, but I want ehr to be happy!

 

Please dont suggest she is playing games. She is a very caring person and not devious in the slightest bit.

[RayKay]

It is not always devious people whom play games, they are not often intentional. They do occur when someone is being wishy washy. I am a caring person too, and in my past have been wishy washy, many have, often because they care. They don't want to hurt someone, or lose a loved one from their life, and in that they hurt them by being wishy washy.

 

I think you should tell her that you think it is best for BOTH of you that you limit contact, and that you will out of respect for her, and for your need to move on, stop contacting her. It won't be easy, but it will be good in the long run, and get easier as days go by. And if she contacts you, keep it short. Let her know ahead of time, that you are not abandonig her but giving her, and YOU, time to heal. You have to be there for you first.

[DN]

How long are you prepared to wait in limbo while she decides what she wants. I don't think she is playing games but I also don't think she is being very caring. She must know what this is doing to you. You don't show that you care about someone by knowingly prolonging a hurtful situation.

[desdichado]

Well I am pretty sure she thinks that there is a chance for us. And she just needs some time to figure it out for herself. I am willing to give her time, as I've told her. I think that although the last 2 weeks have been terrible for me... it has only been 2 weeks. I would like to think that if I asked her, the person that I was plainning on spending the rest of my life with, for some time to be sure about things. That she would give me atleast a couple months.

 

I think she realises that the decision she makes will affect both of our lives forever, and I dont want to make her come to a hasty conclusion.

 

I guess maybe I am just looking for what I want to hear=( Im sorry if I seem stubborn. It's just that this whole situation is going to affect my life forever, so I am cautious as to whether or not I should do anything. Please dont take any offense if I am reluctant to take your advice.

[healinginnyc81]

Think about it from her point of view. She isn't sure she's ready to commit to you because she's confused, she's young (from your timeline I'm guessing younger than 29?), she thinks she could be happier with someone else, there's something missing in the relationship that she always hoped for, whatever.

 

What she needs right now is time to Herself to think clearly with no outside pressure. If she needs to talk to you she'll call you. Don't call her. By calling her you are only preventing her from thinking things out for herself. You want this to be HER decision. Let her make it alone. She knows how you feel so now you can step back and give her a few weeks at least while you start making plans for moving on without her. After 2-4 weeks however long you can bear to wait, IF she hasn't called you, you should call to let her know that you need to move on with your life.

 

In addition to this giving her time to think without pressure and giving you time to get ready for whatever outcome, it will give her a chance to see what it's like without you. Then she will be able to think about how she feels in general about you - is she usually happy with you? do you usually resolve conflicts well? is there something else she wants in a relationship? and other questions like that. She will be able to make a better decision that way. It may not be the decision you want, but at least you can be sure it was a well thought decision and it's what she really wants right now.

 

I really hope everything works out for you.

[desdichado]

I guess your right. I just don't think she will be able to get that same "sparks" feeling if we don't even talk.

 

I guess its kind of a lose-lose situation.

[healinginnyc81]

Well, you're right she won't be able to get that "spark" back without talking but right now she isn't in the right frame of mind to get it back anyway. She has to have time to herself to think about things because she is in a sort of crisis. Once she has come through that then she may want to try again to have a relationship with you. But she has to be willing to reclaim what you once had in order for her to really be in love with you again.

 

It may seem like a lose-lose but it's not.

It will hurt and will be really hard to get through the next month or so, but try to see things long term. You will not end up happy if she only comes back because you talked her into it. And then again, most likely, talking to her will only push her further away. If after thinking clearly, she ends up deciding not to start the relationship again, it will really hurt but you will know that she wasn't right for you and you will at least have taken time alone to prepare yourself for it. But if given her space and time to think things out, she decides to come back to you, it will be that much sweeter knowing that it was her own decision and you two can then start fresh and find that spark again.

 

The benefits of giving her time and space to herself are much better than if you keep trying to talk to her.

I hope you can see the long term a little clearer, and I really hope things work out for you. Keep us updated we're glad to hear you out and give our feedback.

[coooolsome]

The best thing you can do right now is to start thinking about yourself. Limited contact or NC is what you should be doing. Dont contact her anymore unless you really dont want her back. Stop thinking about "if I do this or that" b/c it will not help. If you are there, she doesnt have to make a decision anytime soon.

 

Trust me, I did it, and if I had just dont NC I would probably have my ex back right now. I didnt, I was there, calling, pushing, and now she is with someone else and I am a "friend". I am now doing NC for myself now to get on with my life. Dont make the same mistakes I made.

[redandblack]

I agree 100% with coooolsome here. Right now she has an Ideal situation. She can see this other guy and see if he is better to her (which she wont be able to tell unless she is with him for years, but she isn't thinking that far down the road) and then if things don't work out she can come back to you. All the while she can have you as a "best friend" getting emotional support and comfort.

 

You need to do no contact with her as soon as you can. Maybe tell her that you cannot be 'just friends' with someone you love. She will understand. Get involved in new activities and try to build a new future without her.

 

You probably think that not talking to her will make you lose all your chances, but it's not true. If you are IN the picture she will never have to seriously think about what she is doing and come to a conclusion.

 

I'm always around if you need some support

Goodluck and take care

[desdichado]

Thanks alot guys! I really apreciate you feedback. To think that I almost bought some books on how to win back the person that left you today. I doubt they hold any good answers... most places say to just be cool and stop persuing.

 

I wish I had some darn hobbies though! I feel like I am sitting around waiting for my phone to ring all day=( I have never been dumped before so this is all new to me. I guess I feel like a jerk a little for all the girls I dumped. Although what gives me hope is that I usually regret the decision of dumping them like 1-2 months later. Then again... that was high school.

 

So you guys think I should consider this break, that gives her time to think, as a break up? Or should I just consider it a break and that Im in limbo and should try to get on with my life in the meantime?

 

I havent called her in 24 hours!!! I imagine she will call me either tonight or tomorow. I highly doubt Ill be able to resist answering. I can resist persuing her though! Its really nice to talk to her as a friend also, just hope that she doesnt start thinking that we make better friends then couples.

 

Thanks again guys. I apreciate the help alot. I wish I wouldnt have told her about the websites that say this is just a part of the cycle of love, and that everything will work out ok. I can see where that would be pressureing her. She did seem hopeful after that though..... Ugh. I wish I could just stop analyzing things and take things at face value.

 

Thanks again

[coooolsome]

This is a break up. There is no such thing as a break. Its just a nicer way of saying break up. You dont have any hobbies....you should go out and try learning to play a guitar. Why? One, the ladies love guys that can play. Two, music soothes the soul. There are lots of things you can do, just think about some stuff you would have always liked to do and then try it out. Also, work out. Working out makes us look and feel better.

 

You dont need any books about how to get someone back. You may want to get books on communication, romance, stuff like that. Stuff that makes you a better person.

 

All you need to do is not make her your life. You do that by letting her contact you and you keeping all the calls under 10 minutes. Be aloof, no emotions, make her want you.

 

Remember, that this may take a while and I mean months so you need to be patient and move on with your life. You will get urges to call or doubts that you are doing the wrong thing but you are not. The wrong thing would be to confess your love and call her.

 

Be strong and we are here for you.

[desdichado]

Update

 

I talked to her on the phone last night for like 1.5 hours. I know, I know... too long, but...

 

We talked about alot of things. She said that she keeps going back and forth about whether or not to stick with me or not. She says Im a great guy on one hand, but on the other hand she feels like she needs to be alone for awhile. She also stated that she wants to "try" and make things work between us. She says that if we try and it works that'd be great, but if we try and it doesnt work she will then know it wasnt meant to be.

 

In the meantime Im starting to get a little ticked off. I mean I want answers now!!! She is putting things off=( Ugh this whole situation seems so lame to me. I mean come on. I can understand her feelings but this is something very important to me... We were gonna get married in like 6 months from now!

 

I need some strength. Should I continue to talk to her about things? we are on good terms and we are progressing a bit, but I think we are progressing in a way that leads her away from me. I told her that the things that were bad in our relationship can be worked on, and that the changes I make in myself were for me...not for her. She said that that is great because if it were for her she would feel bad.

 

She also said that if we were to stay together she knows we would be happy together, but she cant get past the whole thing about her being independent.

 

Sorry my thoughts arent well put together here... Im trying to sum up a 1 and a half conversation in like a few paragraphs.

 

I am 24 she is 22. We are both Mechanical Engineers. She is about to move about 100 miles away from me to start her job. We were supposed to move into an apartment together, but now she will be there by herself.

 

I hope she doesnt do a search for some relationship advice on her own and doesnt find this website!!! or post.

[desdichado]

Has anyone been in the same situation as me and made it work out? If so, how?!?! I amagine if someone has they dont frequent these boards =) I mean these boards seem to be biased towards the people that have had issues that werent resolved.

[Setter5]

One thing to consider is: How she handles this and treats you now should indicate how she will treat you in 15 years, or even when the chips are really down (maybe someone's health, job, etc.)

 

Plus, she is setting the terms here.

[DN]

I think you should tell her, and do it in a very decisive way, that she is either in the relationship or out. That means that she commits to making it work, in a much more positive way than she is talking about now. It does not mean that she is 'trying' - that sounds way too half-hearted.

 

She needs to know that she can't just have this relationship on her terms. You have a say about what you need and expect from her. Relationships need balance and unless you can gain that in this relationship, it won't work.

[desdichado]

Im afraid that if I give her the ultimatum of try whole heartedly or we are done that she will probably say we are done... but your right.. if she tries half way we are already done.

[DN]

The problem is that once a partner does this sort of thing it puts the whole relationship out of balance even if the relationship continues. Trust, as in trusting that your partner loves and wants you, is damaged and that takes a lot of repair work, particularly by the person who either leaves and wants to come back, or who expressed doubts about the relationship.

 

Both partners need to do a lot of work to get things back on track but unless both partners are prepared to commit to doing that properly the problems will not go away.

 

Don't be misled into thinking that all will be well if she will only give you a chance. She has to give herself a chance as well.

[Relationship Coach]

desdichado

 

First of all welcome, I'm glad you found your way here. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with this and it's going to get worse before it gets better. Put down the "How to Win her Back" books, do you really want to have to win her back or allow her to come back to you on your own?

 

You have allowed her to have total control of the relationship and you have settled for whatever she is willing to give to you. You have to stop your obsession with her. She is very selfish and knows how to pull your strings just enough to keep you in check. She says she doesn't want you to wait around forever but she knows that you will no matter what. This is not love or anything close to it.

 

This on again off again attitude and the "oh I'm thinking about it" is nothing more than keeping you close while she explores her options. There is only one way to deal with this type of an individual, put her in her place! Tell her that you cannot continue to be strung along and have your heart strings tugged at. It is best for you to break ALL contact with her and wish her the best. Do not leave any doors open as to her finding her independence and then getting back to you. That's a load of crap and you don't have to put up with that. That's like you telling her, "hey I'm off to Vegas for the weekend and if I don't find someone better than you, I'll give you a call when I get back."

 

What she is telling you and you are not hearing is....SHE WANTS SOMEONE ELSE, NOT YOU! Who you may ask? She is probably not sure but she knows there is better than you out there in her small mind. Her concept of meeting someone else and having a epiphany about whether you were THE guy for her is crap too. She is not ready to settle down, end of story.

 

This has nothing to do with you, you're probably a great guy but you really should go NC and work on putting yourself back together and find someone who knows that they want you and only you.

[desdichado]

I guess I dont really dissagree. I really wish I did. On the plus side, as I was walking to my apartment today after a Euchre tournament... 2 girls that live in the apartment directly above me said hi and asked me if I wanted to hang out sometime. They said that I can stop over whenever=) I guess that helps my confindence alot.

 

I guess I have alot going for me. I think one of my biggest issues is that I have high standards and I really don't want to start looking for a new girl. As I dont go to college anymore it is hard to meet girls my age. It seems like the girls I meet at bars have been around the block a few too many times for my taste.

 

Not that I am looking for a new relationship now anyway. It just has me worried that I don't really have a good place to meet girls my age. Also it freaks me out that most of the people I know have had sex with alot of people, and that turns me off so much

 

Seems like I may be lonely for a long time. I liked having someone to talk to, hold hands with, and cuddle on the couch with... I guess if all that stuff didnt matter to my fiance as much as it mattered to me, it probably wasn't meant to be anyway.

 

Maybe Im afraid of being alone more then I am of losing her. Apparently she didn't consider me worth keeping her commitment to me. If it were I that lost the spark I would have tried whole heartedly to get it back! Not just say "oh well, time to move on" like she did.

[desdichado]

Maybe in some sense I feel that if I give up, I will be backing out of the commitment the same as she is. Which might make me just as guilty.

[poke]

desdichado, from what I've read here... the relationship is not over, its at a crossroads. Going NC right now I think is a little premature, although it would seem some others here would disagree with me about that.

 

I would be looking at ways of helping her with her independance while still staying in the relationship. Without knowing exactly what the situation is, I don't really have many specific suggestions. It would need to be something a counsellor or other skilled relationships person could work on with you both.

 

hope it works out...

[RayKay]

desdichado, from what I've read here... the relationship is not over, its at a crossroads. Going NC right now I think is a little premature, although it would seem some others here would disagree with me about that.

 

I would be looking at ways of helping her with her independance while still staying in the relationship. Without knowing exactly what the situation is, I don't really have many specific suggestions. It would need to be something a counsellor or other skilled relationships person could work on with you both.

 

hope it works out...

 

The problem with this....is she has to WANT TO work it out. You can't force someone to change their feelings. I think deschiado has definitely told her he wants to work it out with her, I have yet to meet someone whom does not try that.

 

She is not telling him she needs more freedom "within" the relationship, she is showing very clearly she wants freedom bottom line.

 

Relationship Coach is right, she is being selfish and holding him in limbo as it suits her to do so. And that is not fair to him, he needs to stand up for himself.