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I'll try and keep this brief, I've banged on enough about my problems on here.


I am 17 now, I've always been a little *off/eccentric* for as long as any of my family or friends care to mention. I'm high-end Autistic, basically meaning Im intelligent yet cannot process the world (esp. socially) the way most people can.


I have managed to get to do good subjects at college, friends from both my old school and a few new ones at college, and I have had a boyfriend for 3 months.

This was amazing in itself, as previously I had gotten through over 12 people in a year - I just seemed psychopathic/uncaring, I cheated repeatedly and didnt care who knew.

I have all that guilt to deal with for one thing. I had a breakdown in March last year, I didnt get out of bed for ages. Id do very little but stare into space for ages.


Currently troubling me are the following -


1- Waves of severe depression alternating with deep, almost *spiritual* happiness

2- Obession with wanting to be a guy - looking up gender swap websites, repeatedly, etc

3-I am convinced I am fat, even though I am medically not, in fact Im in lowest 30% weight-for-height and whatever

4-Delusions - I spent yesterday terrified, because i **knew** the world would end at 6.45am today. Needless to say, it didnt.

5-Paranoia attacks. Some days, everyhting..strangers' conversations, for example, become personal attacks

6-Aggression. Unexplained, random, attacks of aggression.

7-Deep, deep sadness

8-Guilt. Even for things Im not sure I even did.

9-mild hallucinations, for example, things crawling over ceilings, voice distortion


I am seeing my psychiatrist again in January, but that is also depressing. I qualify for flamin' medication, and that makes me feel like such a failure.


my eating is also all wrong because my appetite is way, way off. or way, way on...its just very screwed up. Im scared I will hurt someone or myself, and I do not want to, because I am not a bad person, am I?!


Thank you for listening, i needed to tell someone that. Im sorry for repeating myself.

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The issues brought up are outside my current experience,


But it seems to me going to get help is a good idea. You aren't alone. Alot of people are on various medications. A century ago, the anti-depressants would be alcohol and smoking weed, now they have new ones that do funkier stuff.

So what? Why not go for it. Many people self-medicate with adrenaline junkies or drunken binges or coffee or smokes or weed or whatever. Might as well do it right through the doctor.


From what I am reading, you are feeling in an emotional rollercoaster, you want to be someone else, you're unhappy with your current state, you have body-esteem issues and your a teenager.


Seems to me a process of elimination would be an intelligent way to go, of course this is easier said than done when in a rollercoaster of emotional highs or lows.

Eliminate the physical influences by changing what you can control.

- Eating better might keep you more even.

- Sleeping better might keep you more even. (sleep apnea?)

- Hormones? low dosage birth control pills?


Eliminate spiritual influences:

- Finding a spiritual center somewhere outside yourself. ( why do you exist and what is your purpose? christianity isn't a bad option to investigate )

Eliminate emotional and mental influences:

- dump the boy toys

- get rid of unnecessary stresses in you life, streamline, simplify, get into routines you can count on. Don't over reach beyond what you can handle right now.


Starting to eliminate some of those possibile influences might help.

Don't expect to change everything overnight, it has to be gradual.

Try to reach smaller milestones, reachable goals and gradually change your habits and routines a little at a time.

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I am obsessed with spirituality. I am obsessed with Jesus/Buddha/Christianity (which i rejected after MUCH searching through), and it keeps me awake at night. I study philosophy; i live to try and find something way beyond me.


And i have already eliminated a lot of people and activities from my life.


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17 is a hard year even for kids who don't have a mental illness! there are a lot of changes going on and a lot of hormones flying. so i wouldn't be too hard on yourself - you're going through a major year in your life and having Aspergers will make a lot of the changes and situations even more difficult!


but you did mention some positive things that happened to you recently, and I would keep going with those. you're not a bad person, and your friend & boyfriend know this!


i know going to a therapist can be scary and can make you seem like a failure, but i try not to look at it this way. try to look at it a way to improve yourself and start to feel better about your life despite all the difficulties you may face with your illness.


best of luck to you - we're here if you need anything

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hm, though I've had depression and anxiety, I havent suffered nearly as much as you are now. However, what helped me is just reminding myself that I am in control of myself. when my apetite went wrong, I reminded myself that if I want to eat, I can. When I panicked I nade sure I was in a safe place (eg bedroom) and just waited it out. Medication will help with your apetite and mood swings, and there are certain anti-deppressants that are given to people with eating disorders (I'm not saying you have one, but you mentioned a low self-image). Millions of people are on medication for depression. Remember that depression is an illness, and that taking anti-depressants is the same as taking anti-biotics.

Also my mother is on the autistic spectrum, and taking medication helped her with mood swings and apetite.

I hope that helped.

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