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My b/f & I have been off & on for over 4 years now... he was my first everything, we decided in September we were going to try to make it work, for good this time, b/c no matter what either of us would do, we always wound up back together. I love him, I fell head over heals in love with him four years ago, and nothing's changed. He is in the Navy, so I don't get to see him as much as I would like to.....anyway, for Christmas, instead of coming home , he went to Kansas with his friend to go to his wedding... & now its been 5 days since I've talked to him. He gets so mad at me when I say something about him cheating or being with another girl, he says I'm just being dumb, that I have no reason to worry...HA. easy for him mabye. How can I be expected not to think somethings up, when he gives me every reason to think that. I love him more than I love myself, the last thing I want to do is lose him again, but what are you supposed to do when you are with the person you know you want to spend your life with, but most of the time you hurt more than your happy?? HELP!

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What reasons has he given you to suspect him?

 

I agree with darkblue, it IS concerning that you say you love him more then you love yourself. This is a big reason why you hurt, and perhaps feel the way you do. You are very codependent on him for your happiness, which is never healthy. When you love yourself greatly, you are able to make better choices for yourself, and when you are not being respected and loved - walk away - to save yourself. Right now, if you really believe he is cheating, perhaps there is a reason for that. If you feel this unsure, and insecure, and like you cannot trust him - why are you with him? Even if he is not cheating, there seems to be enough distrust here to warrant walking away. And this is why you need to love yourself first.

 

Also, even if he is not cheating, your insecurity and lack of love for yourself is then still accussing him, and pushing him away. That too can destroy a relationship. If you learn to love yourself, you will realize that you deserve the best, that you are worthy of NOT being cheated on, or you would at least remove yourself from situations where the lack of trust is apparent.

 

So, why do you suspect he is cheating? And if he is, what is your plan of action? If he isn't, what is your plan of action. Are you getting what you need from this relationship? What are you bringing to it? What do you believe a relationship should be? How are you going to learn to love yourself first?

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He cheated on me twice in high school... I know, that was then this is now, right, but when he's on base he calls everytime he can...now he is on leave, and he won't answer my calls, or call me... I am probably just being "dumb", like he says, but its not because I don't trust him... I really do, I'm just scared something is going to happen, and I'll lose him...and I do love myself, I probably shouldn't have said it that way.....I do get what I need from our relationship, its just hard b/c we are always so far apart... I live in Tenn. & his base is in Connecticut. thats like 18 hours away!!

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I am probably just being "dumb", like he says

Red flag.

He cheated on me twice in high school...

Red flag.

I'm just scared something is going to happen,

Red flag.

we are always so far apart...

Should make you consider if it is worth it.

 

Do you have a life outside your relationship?

Had bad past experiences?

I'm trying to guess where all this insecurity comes from.

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He cheated on me twice in high school... I know, that was then this is now, right, but when he's on base he calls everytime he can...now he is on leave, and he won't answer my calls, or call me... I am probably just being "dumb", like he says, but its not because I don't trust him... I really do, I'm just scared something is going to happen, and I'll lose him...and I do love myself, I probably shouldn't have said it that way.....I do get what I need from our relationship, its just hard b/c we are always so far apart... I live in Tenn. & his base is in Connecticut. thats like 18 hours away!!

 

True, that was then, this is now, but unless he has earned the trust back, then of course you feel this way. That's the problem with cheating, unless it can truly be forgiven and worked on together, it lasts forever.

 

I am concerned that he calls you "dumb" for feeling as you do if he has this past, and his behaviour (ie not calling you while on leave) is only exaberating the problem.

 

I would say you don't trust him, even though you say you do. Because if you did...well this would not be an issue! But don't feel dumb, sounds like there is reason not to.

 

If you are really getting what you need from this relationship, why are you stressing at him not calling for five days, and wondering if he is cheating. That sweetie, indicates you are not okay, and that you are not feeling emotionally secure with him.

 

You have been with him a long time, and keep going back to one another, but is that because its true love, or is it fear, need, and a hesitancy to take a risk and move on with your life to find someone whom does not call you dumb for not trusting them when they have a debatable past?

 

If you truly loved yourself, and were secure, you would be in a relationship where you would walk away if a man cheated, called you dumb, or was suspicious. Because you would know that whether you loved him or not, you deserved as great a love in return as possible as you gave them.

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I know our relationship shouldn't make me this stressed... I just want it to work...I mean, yes I am insecure... I jump to conclusions about things... when I shouldn't.... I know I am part of the problem.*..Honestly..I do trust him... I just don't like going 5 days without talking to him, I miss him! Ray Kay is right...I'm not okay......but I want to be...& I want to be with him!! I don't wanna push him away... so how do I tell him he's making me feel this way???? Yes, I know without a doubt its worth it...

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