My mother is so selfish

[confused74]

I am female, 30 years old, married for 8 years and no kids yet.

When I was ready to get married, I begged my mum that I wanted a very small wedding and she wanted it her way so I let it be.

The reception was very embarrasing. She invited about 300-350 guests to the wedding and there was nothing to show. I couldn't sleep for about 2 to 3 weeks because my mother,father and grandma told me that my fiancee should pay for the drinks for the reception but my fiancee had no other money to pay for it. I was getting stressed,scared and worried.

So I kept on eating and eating and I knew the wedding dress may not fit me anymore. Lucky it just fitted as I try to squeeze in it.

I could not believe how I felt on my wedding day, it's scars me in my heart when I think of it. I felt so much SHAME in my whole life.

She expects me to go to every funerals and I should go but I can't carry that shame on my back with me from my wedding to a funeral. Several times when we had a conversation on the telephone, she would say "You never help anyone, you don't help us and you don't care about anyone." I felt the guilt right away but I knew I should just take it and not say a word. It really hurts me alot too. She always wanted to know how much my husband earns and I would always reply "I don't know as I don't want to disclose any information to her because then she will take advantage of me and raise the rent up.

I haven't had a permanent job but only contract/casual work and my husband has been contracting for about 3 years now but there is no promise for a steady income though. She has loaned money from nearly everyone, from our extended family tree. She has loaned money from me. When she is asking for money, she tries to convince me like she was a beautiful Cinderalla, speaking so gentle to feel sorry for her. She will forget that I gave her money and then she treats me like a piece of trash. When I was about 9 years old, I went to church quoir with my family. This was the first time I realised been batrayed for the first time and I was in shock. She told my relative " I told her to wear the other skirt but she wore that one because she only wants to look good."

The reason why I wanted to wear that skirt because it was like suede material and the other skirt was itchy wool. That's the real reason why I wore that skirt but not to outdress any other girl.

Today, I don't want to be in the same room as her anymore because I know she has backstabbed me to my uncles and aunties. My mother relies on the other people's money these days and that's probably why hardly no one comes around to our house. Ok, last month...there electricity bill was about $400. I would love to teach her about watts but she doesn't want to know.

A few years ago, when I pop up to see my family

... my dad will always say to me "Your husband is smarter then you."

I just took it and I felt frightened. I have alot of certificates from colleges but I didn't know that they were jelous of me going to college.

I know this woman in her mid 40's, she told me that she regretted not going to college and achieve some certificates. I guess she is not the only one.

My husband is going to get some inheritance and I am not going to give a single penny to my mother. She does not deserve anything from me.

Lets go back to my teenage years....

My parents abused the living hell out of me.

Has anyone had a big fat wood broken on your lower back?

If that wood didn't broke, it would be still getting beaten on my back until it broke. Oh * * * *, I am not sure if I deserved it but I can tell you how it feels.

I couldn't scream anymore because my lungs were empty. I thought I was going to die and I was praying to God for help, probably that's why the wood broke. I want to tell you other abuses but it's to shameful.

My husband is different to any other guys I have ever dated.

He has a good heart,friendly,supoortive and easy to get along with.

If I see that Samoan guy again that I dated before. I want to scratch his face off his head because he gave me higgies on my neck and made me feel like a filthy * * * * and I didn't know how to hide those higgies.

I got busted too... my family saw it and auntie.

I am so glad I am done with him. I really enjoyed the old times when I was

young and innocent. Everything seems so normal.

Today, everything has changed. My life is crushed as I cannot disclose any information about the police. I really love my husband and I hope God will let us enjoy it for a long long time. Luck my husband is cute, if he was ugly then I wouldn't want to sleep with him hahaha but that's the truth.

The bad side of me is that I can fall inlove easily with other men.

It's really really bad if your married too. I fall mostly for their personality and advantage for their looks too. I don't just fall if they have a good personality and being ugly. I really want to achieve not to fall for other men anymore.

I don't sleep with my crush...no way. Comes and go like a dream.

I wish my mum and dad respect for each other and I know my mum is bad because she always puts my dad down that he has a stupid brain, telling him not talk to anyone because he sounds embarrassing, etc

Most of the time my dad doesn't talk to anyone at church because of my mum putting him down. My mum is a hyprocrite because she talks to her brothers and sister inlaws that she is an intelligent princess.

She talks to my dad like a piece of trash. She talks to me like a piece of trash too. I would prefer my children not to hang out with her alot.

I still remembered when my aunt was at my parents house and my aunt asked me if I wanted to take some medicine. My mum yells out "How much does your husband earn?, Look at all your jewery." etc

I really can't stand my mum anymore as she is a user and a hyprocrite.

I wish my aunts and uncles really knows what she really like.

[confused74]

I met Samoan guy before my fiancee..

[ravens_folly]

What kind of advice are you looking for?

 

I would from reading this say, that perhaps and it may be very hard, but I would stay away and remove complete and all contact from your mother and father until they decide that they want to change the way they behave. You can tell them that you do not like the way they treat you and you are a person and deserve to be treated with respect no matter what.

 

You also may consider going to a therapist to discuss some of your childhood problems as they probably persist and they would know best how to help you deal with it.

 

I commend you for standing up for yourself and going to college and learning and wanting to do what is right.

[shes2smart]

I have never understood why people put up with the poorest of treatment from other people, and wave it away because "they're family." If anything family should be held to a higher standard of treating you decently because they ARE family.

 

If you know you have tried everything you are capable of and willing to do to have a decent, healthy relationship with your parents and that's still not working, perhaps it's time to entertain the thought of a life without them.

 

Sometimes removing yourself from the dysfunctional situation and removing toxic people from your day-to-day life is the only answer. I got to that point with my parents about 7 years ago. Even though life has thrown me a lot of curveballs in that 7 years, they've been the most stress-free I've lived through because I no longer have to deal with the constant negativity & put-downs that were there when my parents were part of my life.

 

It's not easy to completely cut off your family, but sometimes it is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Allowing people to treat you badly (repeatedly) wreaks havoc with your self-esteem and mental health...no matter who is treating you badly. You may get some negative reactions from other family members, but you need to do what is best for you because no one else will.

[cichlid]

Exactly what shes2smart said. It's time to cut her out of your life. She does nothing but make you feel bad. She uses you and abuses you. Just because she is family does not excuse it.

[BellaDonna]

She always wanted to know how much my husband earns and I would always reply "I don't know as I don't want to disclose any information to her because then she will take advantage of me and raise the rent up.

 

Are you living with her?

 

If so, then step one is to move out of her house/apartment. You need a place of your own with your husband. This will allow you to spend much less time around her and it will keep her out of your business. Right now she still has control over you.

 

I also think counsling would be good for you- you need to deal with the past abuse you have endured and find inner peace.

 

You also mentioned that you think you could fall in love with another man easily:

 

The bad side of me is that I can fall inlove easily with other men.

It's really really bad if your married too. I fall mostly for their personality and advantage for their looks too. I don't just fall if they have a good personality and being ugly. I really want to achieve not to fall for other men anymore

 

Remember, you a MARRIED. You also sound like you have a great guy- don't take him for granted. He's one of the best, stable things in your life right now.

 

My husband is different to any other guys I have ever dated.

He has a good heart,friendly,supoortive and easy to get along with

 

Don't ruin a good thing.

 

Maybe you are seeking attention from other men to make you feel attractive and good about yourself, since your family makes you feel so bad. I really think some counseling would be a good idea. And if you're living with your family- you need to get out because it will ultimnately destroy your marriage and your self-worth.

 

BellaDonna

[confused74]

hahaha

I'll take that for granted...

[confused74]

I don't live with her. My husband and I are renting the house from her.

My parents are living in a house funded by their church but some bills is not exempted. I live in the west and they live in the east.

I grew up in this house since I was about 7 years old then I got married and moved in a unit with husband. My aunt and uncle moved in my parents house and stayed here for a couple of years then they moved out.

My parents offered my husband and I to look after the house and pay rent.

What bothers me now, that she wants to know how much my husband earns so she can take advantage of us.

[BellaDonna]

What bothers me now, that she wants to know how much my husband earns so she can take advantage of us.

 

Even if you're not living under the same roof- she still has control if she's your landlord and you're renting from her. I think the best thing to do would be to find another place so that she no longer has the right to ask you personal questions about your finances. Sometimes it's becomes tricky when business is mixed with family.

 

BellaDonna

[confused74]

As I mentioned falling inlove with other men.

I normally fall my manager or supervisor.

That's the only contact I have with men.

My new contract now, my manager is ugly so i am glad that he is ugly.

I like ugly men these days so I don't fall for that guy.

Ugly men rule the world and i hope i don't fall for Bill gates one day.

[BellaDonna]

As I mentioned falling inlove with other men.

I normally fall my manager or supervisor.

That's the only contact I have with men.

My new contract now, my manager is ugly so i am glad that he is ugly.

I like ugly men these days so I don't fall for that guy.

Ugly men rule the world and i hope i don't fall for Bill gates one day.

 

LOL!

 

Well if you find yourself tending to be attracted to managers and supervisors- you might like men with power.

 

I wish my mum and dad respect for each other and I know my mum is bad because she always puts my dad down that he has a stupid brain, telling him not talk to anyone because he sounds embarrassing, etc

 

Maybe all those years of your mom putting your dad down makes you attracted to men that seemingly have a lot of power and control. That could be one reason.

 

It's ok to be simply attracted to other people- you're human. But the key is not to act on it because you're married. As I said before, you sound like you have a nice, caring husband. Keep that in mind.

 

 

BellaDonna

[confused74]

Even if you're not living under the same roof- she still has control if she's your landlord and you're renting from her. I think the best thing to do would be to find another place so that she no longer has the right to ask you personal questions about your finances. Sometimes it's becomes tricky when business is mixed with family.

 

BellaDonna

 

I would love to move out but I am doing my parents a favour and that is to look after their house. If my brother's and sisters finally gets married then things will change. I am not ripping them off on their rent.

She has power to evict but I have renovated alot for my parents.

she should be thankful...

she is not the type pf person that would say "that's a great improvement"

Hell no! doesn't want to say it and I don't know why.

This house is looking good from time to time and it's good that you have alot of ambitions to lighten up the place. When you have money for renovation then my parents should Thank me.