I'm clueless

[Stinkweed]

For some more details feel free to look at this thread:

As I said, I have trouble starting friendships and human relationships in most cases. I just don't know how to start. I know it should be something like "this test was so horrible. How did you do?", but I have the most difficulty thinking up things like that, that I won't feel uncomfortable (stupid/dorky/whatever) saying. I also have difficulties getting close (especially if there are other people around who know the person). Any tips on how I can stop this from being an obstacle?

[atraceofblood]

For some more details feel free to look at this thread:

As I said, I have trouble starting friendships and human relationships in most cases. I just don't know how to start. I know it should be something like "this test was so horrible. How did you do?", but I have the most difficulty thinking up things like that, that I won't feel uncomfortable (stupid/dorky/whatever) saying. I also have difficulties getting close (especially if there are other people around who know the person). Any tips on how I can stop this from being an obstacle?

 

I can relate to that, as I always think about other people that know them and what to say to them. I think if you ever get a chance to say something to her, to say something. Now what to say? Think about something going in class, a hw assignment or something. You don't have to tell them the exact words we tell you to say, but rather say it in your own way.

[registered]

The only problem you have, yes the ONLY one, is that you are too self-conscious.

That's it.

You are more than capable of making good conversation and starting relationships and you don't need to doubt this.

 

How do you overcome self-consciousness?

Well, I did, I'm not exactly sure how though lol. One day I just decided not to be self-conscious. That's all I did lol.

I had nothing to lose and everything to gain and was holding myself back.

You have to realise that making a "fool" of yourself is such a minor, minor thing and will make you laugh. You have to see those instances where maybe you were a little awkward or dorky as funny.

 

So you have to just say "I don't want to be self-conscious" and stop being that way!

Do everything you fear. This is how you will overcome it. You won't be dorky very often believe it or not, but when you are you have to suck it up and look at it as something to laugh about...other people would find it funny and so you should too.

 

I used to be self-conscious and always worried about how other people saw me. Today there is no way in the world that I could be self-conscious or embarrassed or feel like I can' t do something for fear of looking silly.

My natural personality is to be a dork and it makes people laugh... I do and say silly things and that's who I am, and I love it, it makes people laugh and it is funny.

 

So you CAN overcome it.

You have to think less about making conversation and about putting pressure and expectation upon yourself. You shouldn't do this and you don't need to.

Just be who you are and accept that if you do something dorky then you do something dorky - what's so bad about that? It is absolutely meaningless.

Look at famous people on live TV...sometimes they will make a mistake or do something stupid...they won't blush, they won't be embarrassed, they will probably laugh and enjoy the fact that it makes other people laugh. They will just carry on.

Being dorky every now and then is a good thing when you can laugh about it, it really will make other people like being around you... you HAVE to be able to laugh at yourself.

 

And once you are comfortable in being yourself (in my case I call it being comfortable in making a fool of myself!) you will have an air of confidence that will be comforting to other people and you will have no trouble having people like you.

 

There is nothing uncomfortable if you are just yourself. Say whatever you want and do not worry about it...obviously you aren't going to say things like "you've got a nice * * *" lol, but don't fear saying anything such as "this test was so horrible. How did you do?".

When you next get the opportunity you ARE going to say something like this ok? You need to simply face this head on and do it.

 

The thing is, most people are very comforting and accomodating, especially for people who aren't particularly confident. If you talk to someone they will be very nice, I guarantee it. If they think you are dorky they will laugh, but they don't mean to hurt you, they are simply laughing because it is funny - and if it's funny you should laugh too!

People are always very nice.

 

I also have difficulties getting close (especially if there are other people around who know the person).

There isn't much to conversation really...just try not to think too much about it... so I'm not going to go into details with this... you seem to know what it's about. But I will address getting close to people.

Getting to close to people is something I never really could grasp in the past. But now I know of the one thing that makes people close. It is sharing your lives and letting them know things about you that you normally wouldn't tell someone (a stranger) about.

By telling someone something personal you are drawing them into your life and subconsciously (mosty, probably a small amount also on a conscious level) they become more comfortable with you because at some deep level they appreciate being included in your life.

 

This is not something you should force, and being aware of it is probably only going to make you force it!

But it is the key thing in building friendships beyond the introductory phase... I'd say it is the ingredient you're missing...my guess is that you don't really let people into your life like that? That would go hand in hand with self-consciousness.

 

But yeah this should occur naturally without your awareness...you can try it consciously if you get the opportunity and you will probably notice how it affects your relationships.

But if you are not self-conscious then it will occur naturally because you will be confident and naturally wanting to share yourself with other people. So first stop being self-conscious and the rest will follow without effort. Like I said, it is the ONLY issue here.

 

 

If doing all of this isn't you then you shouldn't force it. But if it is just a matter of self-consciouness then you need to take it on and be true to yourself, instead of being true to the fear. If you give into fear you are holding yourself back on not reaching your true potential as a human being...and there can be nothing worse.

 

 

All the best, make sure you go out on a limb!!!

[Stinkweed]

Thank you 2 guys, you're the best. This is what I needed... it makes so much sense.

 

 

 

What I meant about getting close wasn't that really. I meant like physically close... you know, like you see the girl accross the hallway, or she passes you by, and you obviously have to go to her to talk, right? That's what I meant, lol I guess I have trouble with it, because I believe it just will feel awkward, or something... Know what I mean? I always end up not doing anything, because I cant even go up to the girl, for example... It is just another setback for me... But I guess using what I learned, I can overcome it. Thank you man. Best wishes.

[registered]

I meant like physically close... you know, like you see the girl accross the hallway, or she passes you by, and you obviously have to go to her to talk, right? That's what I meant, lol I guess I have trouble with it, because I believe it just will feel awkward, or something... Know what I mean?

Ah, lol.

Yep I think you have it spot on there, it's just a matter of believing you can do it and not worrying.

 

I am kind of an opportunist in that I will pounce on the opportunities, but they have to be perfect. Like I'll wait for the ideal moment.... problem is, those moments don't come up often! So I've tried really hard to stop doing it like this.

I think it's just a matter of going out on a limb and doing things without thinking about it. Like just going up to someone and saying "hi"...I've done this so often and it is the best thing to do. You just have to DO IT!

I think it is actually pretty easy to go up to someone new because there is all of this introductory crap to talk about... like once you've thought of something to say, maybe "hi there, I'm in your english class", you can then go on to talking about names, classes, where you live, what you do, pick up on subtle things they mention or show, like maybe a taste in music or sport. And very, very quickly that initial apprehension disappears and turns into comfort.

 

So it is simply a matter of DOING IT!! Just do it. People are for the most part kind and welcoming and will appreciate it - no one wants to be a jerk or be rude and so will at the least tolerate it, they will generally appreciate it, and then in some cases they'll be flattered and maybe you've met your next date

 

But you don't want to live your life with regrets - you don't want to live without knowing if just maybe you had spoken to her when you had the chance it could have turned out differently.

Make the most of every opportunity like it is your only opportunity and you won't live with regrets and you will be much happier and better off in the end.

[Stinkweed]

I will try to make the most out of my opportunities, but last week was horrible, and the complete lack of sleep made me feel uber cranky, especially thursday and friday... I will not let that happen anymore. Well, thank you, and I'll keep you posted on any developments of my progress, lol. Best wishes.