I think my mom might suspect, I'm not sure.

[FoxLocke]

This evening I came home and my mom was watching television.

She regularly watches this station called the Trinity Broadcast Network(TBN), about all these radically fundamentalist conservative Christians who believe that everyone is going to hell except them. Anyway, one particular pastor was espousing hate speech against homosexuals and giving the usual, "love the sinner hate the sin" spiel.

However, after it was over, my mom said to me, "Y'know Fox(not my real name), I don't believe that anyone would choose to be like that..."

I nodded my head and replied, "I agree. Why would people voluntarily choose to be hated? That would be like choosing to be black in 1800's America." She agreed with me and continued a long philosophical discussion about the topic. I told her that while I still believe in god I no longer agree with my religion anymore, because no one should be discriminated against. And she said that I'm growing up and I'm learning to decipher things for myself. However, My mom's beliefs are rooted in the bible(she was raised a preacher's daughter and forbidden to do ANYTHING as a little kid), and I could sense a conflict within her...

 

Which leads me to ask...Could I be the conflict? Could she possibly suspect that I'm gay and be reevaluating the way she believes?

 

This is not the first incident either. Lately, whenever one of our family members or friends say something derogatory about gays my mom won't say anything. Infact, we both remain silent and let them rant on. And she'll say how she thinks gay men are so kind, considerate, and very creative.

Well, I am an artist/aspring writer...I've always been arts centered. She'll also watch different talk shows about gay men discussing their lives and etc with great interest.

 

But on other days she'll say things like, "Oh when you meet the right girl you'll fall in love and have lots of kids..." or "When you get a woman make sure she is compatible to you..." and etc, etc, etc. She'll ask me have I met any girls at school that I like. And usually when the topic of women comes up I'll just remain silent and not say a word(afterwards just change the subject altogether).

 

I don't know. Maybe she thinks I am but still holding out hope that the right woman can convert me or something? As I've said before I have REALLY, REALLY, tried to be straight. But, to quote Lindsey Lohan in 'Mean Girls,' I'm "Too gay to function."

 

Maybe she does know. Could it be my overall attitude now(she says that she has noticed a very positive change in me...she said, "You seem so much happier now.")? Or could she have snooped and found my gay porn videos? I hope it's the former...

 

Well, I am still very afraid of telling her. I remember a few years ago at age fifteen I overheard my mom talking on the phone to my aunt. My aunt is my gay cousin's mother, and her son had just come out. She was very distraught because my uncle wasn't having it. I don't know all the particulars but it wasn't the best coming out experience for my cousin. Anyway, the way they talked over the phone it was like someone had just died. I've also heard my mom talk about how she is glad that all of her kids came out "normal" in the past.

 

She and I have such a close relationship, and I'm scared coming out will ruin it. But I fully intend on finding a man to share my life with and I would like her to like him as well.

I guess she suspects...I don't know. Part of it makes me happy because the horrific consequences I've been imagining seem less likely...But it makes me sad to know that she might look at me differently. I've always been the "perfect" son whose done everything by the book...But something that I have no control over could possibly damage that.

[DN]

She is your mother and she obviously loves you. From what you have described she probably suspects but since she loves you she will equally likely still want you as her son. Maybe it's time to trust her.

[ComputerGuy]

Im with DN on this - it sounds to me like she may suspect something and it sounds to me like, although she was raised a certain way, that she is willing to accept it and not see it as a "bad" thing. I think DN is right, it may be time to trust her.

[Prufrock06]

From what you've written, it sounds like your mother is entertaining the idea that you are in fact gay. Though it's impossible to say for sure without being a fly on the FoxLocke family wall, it seems to me that it's possible your mother is exploring the idea and maybe coming to terms with the fact that her son might be gay.

 

I understand how these recent developments might make you anxious/worried about what's going to happen -- whether she'll end up confronting you about your sexuality or just continue to hold out hope, but I think you should focus more on the positive aspects of these recent events: your mother is open enough to have a dialogue with you about topics dealing with homosexuality, she seems to share a fairly positive view of homosexuals as individuals, and most importantly, that she notices a positive change in your overall demeanor -- which is excellent! You can see how coming to accept yourself affects the way in which you present yourself to others. She's noticed this positive change in her son, and perhaps that will help her realize that your sexuality is an important, unchangeable aspect of yourself and that being accepting of yourself (and her being accepting of you) will have favorable results for the both of you.

 

It's perfectly okay to be scared to come out to your mother -- but the way you're processing your identity and your emotions thus far makes it clear that soon you will indeed have enough personal strength to be able to confide in your mother. I agree with DN: you should maybe take these recent events and start to work on developing a sense of trust between you and your mother regarding your sexuality. No one says you have to come out tonight or tomorrow or a week from now, but if you work on having faith in your mother as someone who loves you unconditionally and think about how she might accept you and love you for who you are instead of just simply kicking you out on the doorstep (which, I repeat, seems HIGHLY unlikely given what you're written thus far), it will help alleviate some of this stress. Take it from me, it's so easy to focus on the negative outcomes, regardless of how preposterous they might be. That's what makes coming out such a terrible experience and is one of the reasons why I hesitated in coming out to my relatives over the holidays.

 

This episode you mention about your mother learning that your cousin was gay happened years ago. People change -- you've gone from trying to exorcise yourself of your sexuality and feelings to completely accepting yourself for who you are. It sounds to me like your mother is changing as well -- so I wouldn't be too quick to use her reactions to homosexuality in the past as a litmus test for how she'll react now.

 

Good luck!

[Jinx]

After the experience with your cousin, she may had some fear about if you should come out to your family. She and you seem to have quite a positive relationship and she has noticed changes (you're happier) but she may not be sure whether it is indeed the gay factor or she is assuming another point of possible interest.

 

It could also be a sense of denial, one gay friend of mine noted in conversation and other coming out stories I've read it seems parents who are in a state of denial will refuse to ask, "Have you met a nice man yet?", but will instead insist "Have you met a nice woman yet?" hoping to possibly reinforce a change in mind. Until they have bypassed the denial period it will come back over and over.

 

It could also be that she is in conflict with the thought of whether to accept her deep seated roots in religion and their beliefs, or completely accept it and the possibility that you may be gay. She may not want to offend you, but she may not yet be at that open arms point either.

 

It is hard to know what she is truly thinking and seems like a strong set of mixed signals like she herself isn't quite sure what to say Yes to and what point to say No. She doesn't seem like a mother whom would say If you're gay, get out. Just by the descriptions if she isn't already in denial of the situation she may just go that way for awhile until she could accept the reality that its there and isn't going away anytime soon either no matter how she wants to think about it.

[KIDD]

Foxlocke!! What's going on man! LOL. I think your mother may most likely know about you from what it sounds like, or at least suspect! I know before I came out to my mother. She surprised me & said, she knew I was gay since I was little. But she said she always denied it until I came out to her, when the truth hit the fan. She said it took a while to actually accept it but she is cool with it now. Sometimes I can even talk to her about my crushes, which I think is pretty cool & weird at the same time lol. Like everyone has mentioned, I think your mother is exploring the possiblity. Trust me!! Mothers know everything about you! I mean you are their flesh & blood!

[FoxLocke]

Thanks everyone. I know I can always come here for great advice.

I guess I should give my mom the benefit of the doubt. Right now it's more me than anything.

 

I know she has to suspect: I'm a young guy and I've never had a real girlfriend. Or maybe she thinks I'm straight because I am a huge fan of Beyonce? Can't tell...

I still think she is in denial herself. She doesn't want to believe it, and I think she's atleast regarding the entire possibility...which is great. And maybe knowing that I'm gay can make her regard gay men in an entirely different manner: I'm not into clubs, turning tricks, using drugs, or walking with a twist and limp wrist...I'm just a regular guy who happens to be gay.

 

So, right now I am going to bide my time about it. There will be a day when I can just say it and hug my mom...

I think if my mom accepts me I KNOW I will be able to tell everyone else I'm gay with no remorse.

[Tigris]

I was dreading telling my Dad recently, but I'm glad it's over and done with!

 

He reacted totally different to what I thought. He said, 'It's your life you do with it what you want!' I've never been so relieved in all my life! If I'd known it was going to be that easy I'd have told him weeks ago.

 

I'm sure your Mother already knows and all she's waiting for is for you to verify it. You've said before that you have a very good relationship with your Mother. No matter what you tell her she'll still love you!

 

Good luck