My son is so cold

[raineysong]

My son is 28, married, with a 2 yr old and one on the way. A few years ago, his father and I split up. His father and I have managed to remain close and we communicate regularly. We were married way too young, lost a 16 year old son, and endured additional traumas that included him having a massive cerebral aneurysm. He became a very "different" kind of person following the anuerysm, developing a serious gambling addiction that I just couldn't support. I gave up my beautiful home, most everything in it, and we mutually agreed to go our separate ways. It was leave or stay and grow bitter. I wasn't a perfect wife or mother over the years, neither was my now ex-husband. Once I left, my son was very critical of me. He was judgmental, distant, and cold towards me. I did my best to explain a lot of things to him, being very open and honest. I waited it out until he finally let me back into his life. It disturbed me deeply, however, that my son had been so critical and judgmental of me all that time.

This November, following an accident that killed a young man that was a close friend of my son and family, I accidentally discovered that my son had been in contact with an old girlfriend all this time. Not only that, he had been calling her and telling her he still loved her, wanted out of his marriage, felt trapped, etc. I also learned that they were planning on taking things a step further during Christmas. Fortunately, his wife discovered a message from this girl on his cell phone and things blew up. The sad part is that the ex-girlfriend sent me the message that my sons wife left on her cell phone shortly afterwards. One line said, "my husband said that you were a * * * *, just like his mother."

This broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I eventually became angry, cooled off, then called my son. He refused to answer his cell, so I left him some messages and told him how it made me feel, and that I finally understood why he had been so judgmental and harsh towards me---because he was guilty, himself. He let the ex-girlfriend take all the blame, saying that she had been some "ho" chasing after him. I told my son that when he was ready to have a real, honest relationship with me, to give me a call. I said I wasn't going to settle for this BS anymore. He changed his cell number and of course, I haven't heard from him. We didn't see or speak to one another over Christmas. He has behaved very disrespectful towards his father and me for a very long time. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him and I love my grandson. I hate not being able to see them or be a part of their lives, but I also feel that I can no longer sacrifice my own self-respect and dignity by tolerating his attitude towards me.

I know this is very long and complicated, but if anyone can offer any advice at all, I'd be forever grateful.

[Relationship Coach]

RS,

My heart goes out to you for this is a very difficult situation for you. The fact that your son has turned in to a hypocrite, his days of finger pointing are over. I'm sure that he was raised in a good home and was taught better and this is not a reflection on his upbringing. I know the area you are in and family is very important there. My family is from Duncan. As for his wife, she is in a bad position as well. She may try to blame the other woman but clearly she has a real problem on her hands, your son. Check in to the Oklahoma Laws regarding Grandparents Rights. I don't believe they can keep you from seeing your grandchildren unless they can prove that you are unfit.

 

The reasons for the failure of your marriage were beyond your control and you did the best thing you could. Again, I'm sorry for your pain but your son will be the big loser in the end. It's very hard to call back such painful words and somewhere within his miserable life he will come to his senses.

[darkblue]

Hi and welcome to enotalone, raineysong.

 

That is a difficult situation to be in, and unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do.

You could try sitting down and talking to him about how you and his father separated and drifted - but I'm not sure he would understand.

 

Does he take his father's side on things? Is he in close contact with his father?

 

I'm here if you want to talk.

You can PM me, too.

[Shadows Light]

There is only so much you can do. You and your "X" husband have come to an understanding and divorced amicably. It is "YOUR" relationship. Not your sons. The same goes for your sons relationship with his wife. YOU are not to blame for the choices he makes. And he's using you as a scapegoat for his behavior. HIS GF sending you a voicemail message is a rotten thing. It places you in the middle.

 

I'd stay out of his marital difficulties and keep my 2cents to myself regarding his behavior. He's made his bed, now let him lie in it. If he directly blames you for his being "stuck"... I'd gently remind him that he is an adult and he makes his own choices. Whether he chooses to stay with his wife or go on... tell him you want him to be happy and you love him. You really can't make choices for him.

 

Give your son time to sort through his tangled web right now. Give him space. If the players call you and try to drag you into the fray...back up and tell them you can't.

[BellaDonna]

It sounds like your son has a lack of respect for women in general. the way he is treating his own pregnant wife, treating you, his mother, and calling his ex gf derogatory names is concerning.

 

 

There's a lot of bitterness inside.

 

It sounds like he could benefit from counseling- but since he's an adult now- theres not much you can do. Maybe you can write him a heart-felt letter- he can't ignore that as easily as the phone. Then leave the ball in his court.

 

Does he accept gifts from you during the holidays for his children? If so then he should at least let you have a relationship with the grandkids, despite how cold he is acting himself.

 

My parents are seperating right now- and my younger brother who is 17 is in the middle of it- my worst fear is that he will turn cold too.... so I've been trying to counter all of the negativity he's experiencing.

 

BellaDonna

[raineysong]

Thanks for responding and for the advice. Sometimes, it is difficult to know if you are doing the right thing. I appreciate it very much.

[DN]

I agree with most of the advice you have received. But, as a father of adults and also as a grandfather, let me add something.

 

You never stop being a parent. Children grow up and become adults and we treat them differently. But they are still our children; they are not our friends, colleagues or any other relationship that you can think of.

 

And one of the things that we do as parents is forgive. We forgive their transgressions, their disobedience and their arrogance when they are children. Not just because that is part of bringing them up but because we love them as parents.

 

There is a commandment to children to honour their parents - there is no reciprocal commandment to parents to love and forgive their children because it is innate within us. There is no need for us to be told that.

 

So do not allow your son to be rude to you, or to treat you badly. But let him know that you love him because you are his mother and if he wants to mend the relationship with you, you will always be ready to do that and forgive him.

[raineysong]

Thanks to everyone responding. Please keep your advice coming. I have wanted to write him, but felt I should just give him some space, hoping that in time, he might actually make a move and contact me on his own. It has always been "me" trying to reconcile and make peace between us. I honestly feel that it is time for him to make some effort to meet me half-way. I have reached a point where it just seems that I can no longer attempt to make this work unless he is a willing participant. Any comments on this?

[darkblue]

I do think you should leave him with the ball in his court.

Send a letter explaining all, and get on with your own life.