I chickened out! :-/

[Prufrock06]

Hey everyone,

 

So it's my last few hours here with the extended family on vacation before heading back home (and then, two weeks later, back to school). I told myself before coming down here to visit that I was going to come out to the remaining family members who don't know I'm gay: my aunt and uncle, my two grandparents and my two cousins. Of these, I only mustered up enough courage to tell my two cousins. They are both cool with it and, as I've said in another post, after the initial shock treat me the same way they've always treated me. You would think my being gay was no big deal (and I know, of course, that it's not) haha.

 

But then there was this relentless pressure and anxiety I had to tell the remaining four adults. I was going to start with my aunt and then my uncle. Both use the term "fag" liberally when talking about other gay men (one reason I hesitated to tell them) and both are fairly conservative. And yet one day we were talking about national issues and the topic of gay marraige came up. They said they don't believe in "marriage" for same-sex couples but do support civil unions and equal rights. Ok, I thought: I can respect that and that certainly made me feel a bit more comfortable about potentially telling them. Then, of course, came Christmas and I decided to postpone talking about it until after the rush of Christmas. But then our family seemed to be having such a fun time together, especially with my sisters and I and my aunt and uncle, that I feared bringing up my sexuality would put a damper on the rest of the vacation. It would, in effect, become the central focus of conversation.

 

I should probably point out that my grandparents don't deal well with any kind of controversy. They are very introverted -- they don't talk about their emotions, don't communicate with one another on an open and honest (read: eNotAlone) level. This is why I decided to go with my aunt and uncle first -- especially my aunt, who is the exact opposite of them and seemed to me the most equipped to deal with the news. I'm frustrated at how difficult it is to try and relate everything to you all, given that I probably can't describe anything in such a way as to give you a clear idea of the family situation here.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated and disappointed that I didn't have the nerve to tell my aunt and uncle about my being gay, especially when I had convinced myself that my sexuality was something I was beginning to be proud of. Everytime I had a few moments alone with them (in a car ride, sitting in the morning reading the paper) and I thought about telling them, I would get hung up on how this news would affect the rest of the vacation, especially considering my sexuality is not something my parents (though they know) are comfortable discussing among other people. It's gotten to the point now that my stomach churned this morning when I came really close to just telling my aunt -- but again, I just couldn't do it. I guess it's funny that I had an easier time telling my parents then my aunt and uncle -- despite their annoying tics, I really look up to them and admire them and I guess in a way I'm afraid of disappointing them, even though I know deep inside that it doesn't matter what they think or whether they approve or not!

 

So now I'm worried about what to do once I leave. My two cousins know and I'm sure they won't tell the remaining four but I still hate that not everyone in the family knows about it. This whole idea of telling everyone about my sexuality runs counter to how I feel about the issue: I don't want it to be an announcement or a big deal, but I know it will be perceived that way no matter what. I've though about writing the four of them a nice, thoughtful letter -- I've always felt I'm better at writing my feelings than verbally speaking them when it comes to important issues like this -- but I'm also worried that they would be upset that a) I couldn't tell them to their faces and b) they are the last to know.

 

I just want to get this out there and have everyone know and put this thing to bed but at the same time now that I'm leaving, I have no idea how to accomplish this. Do I phone them (I wonder how well I could handle something like this over the phone)? Write the letter? Not tell them at all? (I'm not too fond of this solution, because I love and respect them and they deserve to know and it would be more awkward to just show up at a family function with a boyfriend and make my "announcement" that way).

 

It stinks that I'm feeling this way, considering all I've accomplished with myself and my sexuality over the past year (I just think sometimes: this time last year I had no plans whatsoever to consciously consider myself gay, even to myself!). I know I should be proud of having come out to myself and my immediate family, but this current situation just complicates matters and gets me really upset and stresses me out. Maybe things will cool down a little once I leave and get home, but I worry about the situation I'm leaving behind. ](*,)

 

Thanks for reading through this and letting me vent

[Jinx]

Prufrock, I think what you have accomplished is a great deal. It may not of covered everyone but you did get to two cousins. It may of turned out negatively if it was rushed.

 

I can see where you're coming from the note of how they may feel should they find out they are the last or they find out second hand, but in the case of coming out, being sure is the best. I think in this matter it may be a good thing to consider how they will feel once they know in general instead of considering subissues (unless it is going to cause a major issue as you've also noted as possibly being there.)

 

Security in coming out is one of the best things. If you're not ready it may not turn out as positively as you'd like to expect. When I told my friends I reached the point where I felt secure to a degree and had to let it out. It worked out. There are a couple friends and all family which haven't a clue (to my knowledge of course there are always pothole possibilities that may arise) about my orientation and I believe that if I suddenly told them on stress based impulse that it wouldn't be a positive experience (if it could be).

 

When under extreme stress we aren't always able to express what we'd like to. Example being, I do a deal of public speaking for community programs, or when we're at fundraising functions with volunteer organizations you need to be on the ball to get the point accross. When I'm under an extreme amount of stress with a presentation project for one reason or another, I feel as though it doesn't go over as well as it should. Coming out can be thought of in a similar manner.

 

As mentioned two is good, even though the goal wasn't entirely reached. It may of been your subconscious as you've mentioned expressing that this was just not the time to come out to them (holidays, fun but also stress chances and negative experience). Do you see or speak to them before the next major holiday upcoming? That may be the best thing to do. Have a situation as calm and rational and possibly which is best achieved outside of Holidays, while they're sitting down relaxed and minimal problem area you can let it out gradually as you planned. Therein, you'd have a more predictable situation than you would during a season which may alter their feelings and actions.

 

I believe face to face is the best, but I'm not one to speak on that, I don't have the nerve anywhere to tell my parents or any extended family who I truly am, you've surpassed me on that level. If they believe in Civil Unions and such you may have a chance for a good outcome or at least tolerance if nothing else, it is a decent sign that even though they throw slurs around like a baseball, they won't act out too negatively. More to my point though, if you just can't tell them face to face a well thought out letter is best. Phone call may be closer but offers more chances for awkward silences and you don't have that positive element of reading expressions so it isn't as well off.

 

I personally have decided in the situation of my family it may be best to let the cat out of the bag in mail. They may choose never to write back, they may choose to ignore it or deny, but hey it still gets out. Better than as you've mentioned, bringing your significant other to a family function out of the blue.

 

See with letters as you know, you are allowed to write out everything you want. You can edit a letter before you send it if it just doesn't sound perfect. You don't have the chance of anyone screaming or arguments really, BUT you do lose that in person "I love you, I trust you without question." element if you come out and they do accept, that is what they may feel most cheated by. This is where I can't quite put a finger down about what may be preferable and you'll have to decide yourself about what you'd rather cheat, yourself out of peaceful coming out, or them of a spoken felt coming out with obvious trust.

[KweenofDenyl]

Prufrocko6,

You may feel like you chickened out but I think maybe you realized that the time just wasn't right. Maybe it would be easier for you to approach them when not at a family gathering?

I'm also wondering if you are subconsciously counting on them hearing it from your cousins first...

In any case, you are a great writer and have depth and insight beyond your years! I wish you the best with this.

[Prufrock06]

"See with letters as you know, you are allowed to write out everything you want. You can edit a letter before you send it if it just doesn't sound perfect. You don't have the chance of anyone screaming or arguments really, BUT you do lose that in person "I love you, I trust you without question." element if you come out and they do accept, that is what they may feel most cheated by. This is where I can't quite put a finger down about what may be preferable and you'll have to decide yourself about what you'd rather cheat, yourself out of peaceful coming out, or them of a spoken felt coming out with obvious trust."

 

This is a really good point, Jinx, and is the main reason why I'm vouching for going the letter route. See, the thing is they live in Florida and I live in Virginia so it's not like I can walk next door to talk with them or drive a few hours and spend the weekend with them. That's why I'm so anxious that I haven't done anything about it during this vacation, while I'm here in their presense. Considering that I'm not sure when the next time I see them is, or whether I'll even have time to visit considering I'd (hopefully) have a full-time job by then after graduating, I'd have a hard time approaching them outside of a family gathering, as Kween suggested. And I don't think I can let this eat me up until the next time I see them (possibly during the summer) -- which is why I'm so anxious to sit down and write a letter and so frustrated that I didn't do anything about it while I was here and could talk to them face to face. ARRGH!!!

 

"I'm also wondering if you are subconsciously counting on them hearing it from your cousins first..."

 

Good point Kween -- but I'd say I'm more worried than counting on them. If my aunt and uncle found out from them, it would certainly make my job easier and would take some of the burden off me. But then again, I feel like this is something they need to hear from me (either through phone or email) and not through hearsay. Even though I trust my cousins not to say anything, the situation must be just as awkward for them as it is for me. And again, I'd feel terrible placing that burden on them if I was ever brought up in conversation in dealing with the subject of girls, marriage, etc.

[FoxLocke]

Prufrock, needless to say, I can relate. But look at it this way, atleast you started the entire coming out process. I'm still closeted to everyone except my dog and eventually my gay cousin. lol

 

My advice is this, listen to your instincts. That is why you have them in the first place.

 

Originally, I thought I chickened out the three times I tried to tell my mom. However, I now realize that the timing wasn't right. There is a reason you didn't just come right out and tell them. Everyone else has acted positively, but there is no guarantee that everyone else will.

 

I really wish people could just accept how we are born. I wish we didn't have to plan this huge announcement and dread dire consequences just because we love other guys(or girls). Why is everyone so afraid of homosexuality? It's just love. Sometimes I just want to scream because I hate keeping it bottled up.

[kere]

I feel u foxlocke...any way prufrock06....u didn't chicken out...the time wasn't right. When the right time comes around u will find the strenth to do what u have to do.

 

gl

kere

[Prufrock06]

"I wish we didn't have to plan this huge announcement and dread dire consequences just because we love other guys(or girls)."

 

EXACTLY!!! This is why I find this whole coming out process so frustrating and probably why it makes it so hard. Heterosexual people don't have to worry about making grand announcements and proclamations. "Mom, Dad, I have something I need to tell you, and you might not like it......well, see....I like....the opposite sex..."

 

The thing of it is, we don't want to make this seem like a big deal because it isn't. Being gay shouldn't be that big an issues and we know deep down that it isn't. And yet it's almost impossible to come out to someone and not have it be this big issue that people talk about, whether in front of you or behind your back. Just imagine how easy it would be to come out if you knew that the result would be more in line with telling someone you got an A on an exam or you watered the flowers or whatever instead of sounding like you were convicted of a capital crime. Granted, this isn't the way everyone reacts, but it's the way we THINK they will react, which makes it all the more complicated when deciding whether to tell a specific person about our sexualiuty.

 

So I guess the main reason I avoided it was not so much the fear of their reaction as it was the resulting "spectacle" of "Oh my...Prufrock's gay! How can we think about Christmas or New Year's or enjoying each other's comapny when this big announcement has been dropped on our heads!"

 

Sheesh...The only think that would have made it worse was having some New Year's Eve announcer standing in the living room making a countdown to my "Declaration" LOL.