Why do people do this?

[richiet]

Hi all

 

I am a very logical person (engineer) and like to try and figure out why people do things. It can sometimes eat you up as there are not always logical answers.

 

Anyway, a girl I dated broke up with me at the end of March. The relationship was intense (probably a bit much for her - she is 20, I am 28) and we had a special connection. The ending started well and ended nastily (emotionally driven stuff). We didn't speak for ages. Even now the contact is rough and from her side only.

 

She got involved with a guy 600km away about 3 months ago. I have dated lightly and met loads of girls but have chosen to be single for a while until I am happy with who I am. Recently she went up to live with him and ended up coming home early. From what I have heard they fought a lot and need a break from each other. She hated it up there.

 

So I get this call asking me to join her and our mutual mates. I wasn't going to go but I did because someone said I should make an effort. She avoided me most of the night and was drunk. When the mutual mates left she plonked herself in front of me and wanted to talk about the relationship. I told her 'no' it was now in the past and let's just remember the good times and carry on. She insisted and when I indulged her she proceeded to rip into me and tried to make me feel bad about myself...saying I have low self-esteem, can't sit still, need to focus on myself and stop worrying about others for a change etc. She also went to my ex-ex's work and said something nasty to me about her (we dated 5 years and are mates now). It just drained me. I think about it now and it's insane because I think afterwards that I should have said this or that but I just kinda get sucked in by her. We both have very strong personalities. She sounded really confused about some stuff and contradictory.

 

Since the breakup I have seen some nasty side to her but she also has a smile to die for and a beautiful caring and gentle side to her and I love that in a girl.

 

My one mate says I should make more of an effort with her but I don't feel I can for fear of rejection (still have deep set feelings for her but keep it to myself). I call and the phone is not answered or similar.

 

Is she just trying to make herself feel better by tearing me down? Is she not giving me the rest I need in just letting go of the guilt I feel for the bad breakup? I hate holding grudges but she does hold one. My other mate says the new guy was just a front to make me jealous and when that didn't phase me she tried something else to push my buttons. He says she has lots of issues now - more than when we dated. Does she still have feelings for me...or just taking out her frustrations of the new guy on me? I mean why call me? I asked her this. She said she wanted things to be normal around mates. Why doesn't she act civil around me then? I was until she brought up the past. I can tell you we had 1 issue...trust. Pretty important in a relationship I know.

 

I suppose at 20 everything is someone else's fault, you can do nothing wrong, you are spoilt, you don't know much about love yet. It was like trying to reason with a kid.

 

Any comments guys? Why does she do this to me? She has probably heard that I am out enjoying myself and getting over her. I was cut up for ages but I feel like I am just turning the corner.

[Mrocza]

I think she is angry at the way things turned out. She obviously still has feelings for you. She was drunk, so she might have been a bit harsher than usual. She doesn't want to fight in front of your friends because she wants to appear as the more stable one...and then when you're not comfortable on your outings because of her psychotics, you appear to be affected still.

 

I'm not sure what happened in regards to the breakup...but you still have feelings for her. Do you want to be with her?? It sounds as if this is just one BIG power struggle. It IS childish. Ask her what she wants, what you can do for her to FINALLY leave you alone. You're letting her issues affect you still... you don't have to.

 

As for self esteem...hun, you have a girl going crazy to get your attention here. Take the hint

[PocoDiablo]

She's testing you, to see if you can stick to your guns (no I don't want to see you, no I won't talk about the relaationship) and when you fail the test she punishes you.

 

You think?

 

Why would you want to be nice to someone who treats you like that anyway? I'd kick her to the curb so fast ... [insert witty comment here.]

[newts]

I don't know who ended it? it's seems as though you did and she can't get past the rejection etc... as you said you don't want to tell her you still care about her out of the fear of rejection, this is not one sided, why wouldn't you talk about the past issues, she obviously feels there has not been totally closure and your cool calm colleted approach is not helping if you still have feelings for her. Remember, your true feelings come out when your drunk. I need more information to be able to give you advice.

[DN]

If she feels she made a mistake in breaking up with you, and compounded it by moving away to be with a guy who makes her unhappy in a place she does not like, it is much easier for her to put the blame on you for the break-up that accept it herself. Most of the anger and bitterness she is putting on you is directed away from herself.

 

If you can realise that, it may make it easier to deal with.

 

Having understood why she is maybe acting as she is, it is time to turn to understanding yourself. So you should be asking yourself:

 

"What do I want and how do I go about getting it?"

[richiet]

Hi fairie and thanks for the quick reply. You sound very mature for 19. I also think there is a bit of a power struggle but I have been very good about admitting fault and have told her so much nice stuff about her. I really do want the best for her whether it's with me or someone else. She hurt me terribly but I have never felt something like this connection before. I thought this was the one. I shouldn't even think about a reconciliation but I reckon we could work if she had had her fun. It's like running a marathon and hurting so much after and then your muscles heal and you come back for more the next year...

 

I forgot to mention she texted me at 20h40 on Christmas day: "Merry Christmas. I'm sorry for being a * * * * * the other night. I hope you had a good day with your family. T".

 

I'm not worried about the self-esteem thing. I am a very humbe bloke but I have no problem speaking to people and I feel I could hook up tomorrow. However, I am just biding my time until I feel ready to give fully to someone.

[richiet]

newts, she ended it...and it hit me like a bombshell. I think DN is probably right. I just can't be a friend with someone who I wanted to marry and then who booted me.

 

DN, I am trying to understand myself more now. I have a great career and a lot going for me but I have chosen to be single 7 months now so I can rediscover myself. Before that I always had a girlfriend.

 

Poco, I am not into games. I put all my cards on the table and if you don't like that then sorry. The only reason I didn't want to speak about the relationship was to safeguard myself. I didn't want old feelings to resurface and to keep things light.

 

Oh, she also keeps mentioning an email I sent her months back. One of those ones that you should write and never send...except I did. It poured out my heart to her. She keeps saying that she has re-read it again. Why not just delete it?