Have I kept quiet too long?

[DKM]

I have been with my boyfriend nearly five years. During that time I found out he used hard drugs and porn. Both times when I found out I was shocked but he persuaded me that he wasn't a big user and says cigarettes are worse for your health. I dont take drugs as they make me feel unsafe but I wanted to be open-minded and communiacte to him and tried so many times to say how uncomfortable I am with the drugs, but he just shrugs and says its his body if you dont liek it you know what you can do. He told lots of lies about using it and getting it and it made me feel very unsafe. I told myself its nothing to do with me, why should I let it affect me.I almost convinced myself and now he thinks I am okay with it, but the truth is I never will be and I feel I have been lying to myself as well as him. I love him but this aspect of our relationship just brings me to a point of despair. As for the porn I tell myself its better than an affair.

 

 

Unfortunately years of this kind of denial ,plus my own problems led me to leave him and start a relationship with someone else only 2 weeks later. It was total rebound and I couldn't stop thinking about by b/f all the time I was with this other guy.It was a mess and I am now back with my b/f but I fearthe trust has gone - he started using dating sites when I was away and I think he is still using them.

He made me feel judgemental and controlling when I tried to talk to him about my feelings and after before we got back together he called me a sociopath to the point where I wasn't sure if I was or not. I AM insecure tho.

 

LIke I said it is a mess. I feel very insecure and vulnerable and feel that whatever I say means nothing. I have tried to talk to him about my feelings but he just says that there are no garantees and I should trust him,that he is the one who should feel insecure etc etc. I cant go on like this.I honestly think I would rather be alone than wait for him to turn round and say he has met someone else. In my heart I dont think its a good enough reason to leave when I have kept quiet so long and anyway he wont believe its not because I haven't met someone else. I cant bear the thought of not having him in my life but this is killing me. I am suffering from anxiety and depression to the point my doctor has prescribed antidepressants.

[Bethany]

What kind of hard drugs? and do you or anyone else you know consider him to be an addict?

[shes2smart]

I feel very insecure and vulnerable and feel that whatever I say means nothing.

 

If it was a healthy relationship, that wouldn't be happening.

 

I have tried to talk to him about my feelings but he just says that there are no garantees and I should trust him,that he is the one who should feel insecure etc etc.

 

That's classic addict behavior (also classic cheating behavior)...they try to turn it around so YOU'RE the one with the problem and they are an innocent victim.

 

It's crap. Don't believe it for a minute.

 

Had the relationship been healthy and had you been getting your needs met, would you have bothered leaving and/or looking outside the relationship to someone else? Probably not.

 

I cant go on like this.I honestly think I would rather be alone than wait for him to turn round and say he has met someone else.

 

The part of you that wants out is the healthy, sane part of you speaking. Listen to it. Trust it.

 

In my heart I dont think its a good enough reason to leave when I have kept quiet so long and anyway he wont believe its not because I haven't met someone else.

 

Um...the illegal activities (drug use) alone were good enough reason to leave if you don't agree with the use of illegal substances. Even if he is doing legal drugs (alcohol, prescriptions meds), his usage sounds like addiction....and addiction is plenty of good reason to leave a relationship. I used to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. They ARE NOT capable of being full, healthy partners in a relationship until they they kick their substance, get sober, maintain that sobriety, and get their own lives in order.

 

As for what he thinks, who cares? Why put any stock into the opinion of someone who's treated you so poorly, made you feel like you're worthless, and made you think you don't deserve better?

 

I cant bear the thought of not having him in my life but this is killing me. I am suffering from anxiety and depression to the point my doctor has prescribed antidepressants.

 

You want to keep someone in your life who causes you so much grief you have to be on meds just to maintain? I don't want to hear this "But I love him...." excuse. He is not (and has not been) behaving in a loving way towards you....and as long as he's using he's not going to be able to.

 

Along with the meds, you should probably be talking this stuff over with a counselor of some sort. Meds alone will not help you resolve anything. Meds with counseling can help you make positive changes to improve your life -- IF (big if) YOU DO THE NECESSARY WORK TO BRING ABOUT THOSE CHANGES. The meds & counseling can help support & guide you through the changes & improvements, but the work of doing them is your responsibility.

 

In the short term, that probably means leaving him. In the long term, it means learning to love yourself enough that you won't put up with someone who treats you so poorly.

[newts]

I am so sorry you are going through this. An addiction to anything makes you less of a person. If you can't accept him for what he does it's o.k, you need to find somebody who has more in common with you and has the same morals as you.

 

If he is still on these dating sites, I believe he is trying to make you feel insecure because you left him for someone else and he is trying to have a safe guard just incase the 2 of you don't work out again.

 

I say dump his sorry butt! (totally up to you though) he is trying to put the blame on you for things not working out and is unsure that it will work out.

 

Once the trust is gone it's gone forever.... It is very hard to rekindle something that is broken, it takes 2 very special and forgiving people to be able to move on to bigger and better things. He doesn't seem as though he is trying too hard.

 

As for the porn, I would rather my partner look at porn and girlie magazines than go for the real thing.

 

It is so hard and I know you will do the right thing. Good or bad.

[DKM]

Thank you for your advice everyone. Last night I found out that he IS definitely still using the dating sites and before I found out he lied to my face and said he wasn't. He was so believeable. And after all he had said to ME about lying! I walked out after that. I am gutted and grieving. I cant take any more lies. But I am in therapy so I have someone to talk things through with. Thanks again.

[Mun]

I'm glad you left, by your post I can see that this guy was bad for your health...you were sinking deeper than he was.

 

Good luck with therapy and let us know how you are coming along.

 

Best wishes