Ex came back, seems interested then flakes...i want him back!!

[butterflygirl716]

FYI on me and d: im 23 he is 30. went out two months...then poofed stating too many things going on ( sis is gay, living at home, two jobs) everything was wonderful up to that pt. This was in Sept. Treated me like gold. then didnt contact me nor did i for 3.5 months. We were close to...but never had sex. He was willing to wait. Broke up before we did.

 

aNYway, dec.16, he shows up at my work, i manage a restaurant, with his coworkers. we make eye contact and we chat it up. I was flirty and nice, one I was at work, and two I had gotten past my anger. He apogized a dozen times and said his life was crazy when we first went out...Since then he has moved out on his own, got rid of his second job, and is making more money and working less. I said good. i told him I never thought bad things abotu him, and he said he didnt call because I hadnt and then he didnt know what to say. He asked abotu my life, asked if my # was the same, we went over good times, he said we really did have fun together, then he told me he uses the alarm clock I got him everymorning...its an inside joke.

 

So after a while, i excused myself and went to work,,,he stuck around with his cowrkers for another two hours. then when he was leaving..i said fgood seeing you, and he said i will call you and we should hang out. I was like yes. he said why do you always think I wont. I said no i believe you..hugged three times, three very close 2 mouth kisses and he left. He sent me three forwards that week for xmas....

 

Fast forward to the following fri. His company has xmas party where i work. i oversee parties. I look sexy and hot knowing he will be there.

 

When he gets there...he finds me and kisses me and gives me a bottle of wine for xmas...I smile you shouldn't have. He goes into his party. All the guys are flirting with me and i am like haha D. Anyway, he leaves kisses me on the cheek and says his week is flexible he'll call monday to set up something. i give him a copy of my first cd single and he leaves. He calls me ten min later, and leaves a vm...Really like your song, i want some lyric clarification...I didn't call him back...Calls me again at 8pm. I was working but it was slow, so i picked up...says song is great, asks if work is busy, says he will stop in to pick up some food to go,,,and he wants to see me.

 

Comes in, had had a few drinks, and we sit for a bit. then he goes to leave, hugs me and kisses me. He says I am so sorry, i never wanted to hurt u. I've thought abotu you alot the last four months, i didnt call because I was scared, and that he admires me for following my dreams, that i am a great person, says he wants to see me succeeed and will help me out, he still likes me and asks me out for lunch monday...he says he wants to talk about things. I said ok. we kiss more, and he says see what you are doing to me....referring to a hard on, and I said well too bad you will be going home alone, and he said how could you do that to me. I smirked. we kissed said merry christmas, and i said i would clal him mon morning when i was done with my meeting to set a time.

 

Flash forward mon. Call 10:30am leave vm for him. He calls me at 1pm. Says he went out Xmas night, and slept late and now he has to run some impt errands ( get to a dentist help his grandmother) and that he has to postpone. mind you he was kind of eh about it, not very apologetic. I told him I was busy for the best of the week, and he said "Some thigns never change with me. I'm horrible at making plans, and sticking to them" i was like yup ( he could tell I was disappointed) but I said we are both busy people and i dont have a lot of free time so. FYI: D had problems balancing all the things in his life with hanging out with me and friends so this was not a new scenario...hence why i wasn't breezy about it...mind you he knew this was impt to me...and well dammit he was being a jerk.

 

I told him the only time i could hang out was later that night. and he said "did you leave the whole day open for me?" I said no. Its the day after xmas and i have off. plus i dont make plans on top of plans. He says ok let me go get this stuff done and we can get dinner. I will call you later to set up a time.

 

NEVER CALLS. So i dont know what to think or do? What was the pt? Ideas, comments, help please!!!

 

So I sent him a short email...fun and funny a few days later...he replies..superswamped at work, ill call you later...

 

Anyone know what is going on here? And why he wouldn't even want to meet up when he said he has thought about me for the past four months??

 

What do I do???

[Danny H]

He is playing games in his mind and yours.

 

He never thought out his approach to you very well.

 

If this was his campaign to get you back , he hadn't planned it at all.

 

So the more likely scenario is, He doesn't know what the hell he wants.

 

But he thinks that he wants you there just in case.

 

You are a busy person chasing a dream( I was in music for 20 years, it is tough) you need people you can rely on, and number one in those is partner.

 

He ain't measuring up, if you want him back you will have to be tough enough to tell him what YOU want.

 

best

 

dan

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

It seems to me that he likes the chase. He wants something he can't have, and the minute he has you, he doesn't want it anymore. It's all a game. I'm just surprised that men in their 30's still play this game. I wouldn't stick around for this guy. I'm all for playing the game, and if you choose to do it, be cool and DON'T CALL HIM. Don't be there at his disposal so easily. Good luck!

[Ghostrider4042005]

i think danny summed it up the best if he really wants you back he wouldn't have broke plans no matter how bad he is at it even if he isn't

[annie24]

I think you should forget him. Like Danny said, this guy doesn't know what he wants (which is a good indication he doesn't really want you...)

 

I dated a guy kind of like this also, suddenly cancels plans and is very unapologetic. And then pops back in my life like nothing happened. That is the key. Obviously, we are all busy people, and sometimes we have to reschedule dates. But, if you really want to see someone, you say, "Oh, I am sooooo sorry, my boss is making me work late, but I really really want to see you still. How about tomorrow night?" something like that is what you need to hear. And actually have him follow through. He is playing some game. I think it's also really lame because he's too old for this.

 

Forget him, go out with one of those other guys who was flirting with you a few days ago.

[Relationship Coach]

Two spins on this:

 

1.) His time management skills and his priorities are messed up.

 

2.) He is still in the hunt because you have not had sex with him yet. He may be thinking that this will be a marathon and not a sprint. With this I feel he is having a few booty calls here and there while laying the long con with you. He wants you but is opting to give you small bursts of meaningless(convenient to him)quantities of time versus real quality time (aka...a real date). In his small mind and in my summation, he is trying to get time points which he can later cash in for a bump and run in the near future. Does this make sense to you?

[butterflygirl716]

Relationship Coach:

 

SO in the overall, its just a long con to get me into bed? Honestly, our relationship was going towards being intimate, but he bailed before it did. If he wanted sex...he could have had it if he waited a few more weeks. It was headed that way, I was getting tested, and he had gotten tested. We had the talk about exclusivity...everything was very positive.

 

I do understand if he really wanted me he would have not cancelled plans so easily, I guess I don't get his age matching his actions. So you think he is just screwing some chicks on the side and saving me for the "big con" and will disappear later?? I know enough not to sleep with him now. So that is going to be a long as chase. But here is the thing...he knows he could get me to hang out, but not into bed...

 

Do you think that's what he wanted all along? or do you think he actually could be immature and like me and just playing games because he doesn't want a commitment, and wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants to??

[Relationship Coach]

BFG,

You are right on target. I think he saw the package he wanted under the tree but he knew if he unwrapped it he would have to say thank you to you every day and not get anymore packages from anyone else. So he is out getting the stocking stuffers while building up his tolerance for the big gift. I say Bah-Hum-Bug, kick him to the curb!

 

Sorry for the holiday spin but it fits so nicely!

[butterflygirl716]

right...but the thing is he knew i wasnt going home with him..I had work til 2 am...

 

So does that mean he wants me later or what? i'm confused by the last thing you said relationship coach

[butterflygirl716]

One I didn't just let him my life. He apologized, and I said we would talk about things. I couldn't just yell at him at work. Besides, I he only said he needed space...he didn't flake out while dating.

 

I don't think so on the sex thing at work. Yes him being horny, but he didnt imply any of that until after we kissed and he was walking out

[Relationship Coach]

Yes, potential later after he is through spreading his joy. Look to some guys there are two different types of girls, those that they can just have sex with and those that they can take home to their mom. Planting seeds, nurturing them and then cultivating them. He wasn't looking for a quickie as much as he was looking for a reaction.

[butterflygirl716]

i think i am the girl to marry...because he knows i wont have sex with him without everything else...

 

So as for quickie...he knew a long time ago it wasn't happening...not my problem he got a hard on

 

Not that I am relying on him for my whole existence...jsut trying to figure it out for myself...I do care about him...and he wasn't like this at all while dating

[butterflygirl716]

So i suppose i will just maybe send him a closure letter and move on

[Relationship Coach]

OK, well it seems that we share one thing in common, we both went to college in Mo. oh and we are both 42, wait...you win again, you just beat me to 43!

 

What I am saying is he was reading her reaction to him saying that he got an erection from kissing her.

 

 

And once again, that says that how a girl acts determines how a guy acts. I STRONGLY disagree. How a guy acts is who he IS. No one else's behavior is to blame. For far too long, women have been made to feel that they're responsible for how a guy treats them. No, the guy is responsible for how he treats people. Him and him alone.

 

You lost me here!

 

I don't see that happening much anymore. That ideology holds that if a woman has sex too early, she's not considered a girl to marry. Thankfully, that viewpoint has greatly diminished.

 

 

Maybe you should poll the men on here, you might be surprised at the answers. Show Me State Show Down? LOL! You're funny. Where did you go to HS?

[butterflygirl716]

one more question for relationship coach tho

 

Why isnt he afraid to lose me? Yes, I let him back...but that doesnt mean I wont move on in the process of him trying to figure out things

[butterflygirl716]

Look I am well educated, head on straight, very attractive, great family, well off, and smart assish...I am independent and have morals...I am the marrying girl...not the fling one...just to set that straight

 

AND I DIDNT HAVE SEX WITH HIM

[annie24]

Oh .... yes, you are right, his behavior says more about him than it is saying about her. I know what you are saying.... (hot photo btw on the holiday page!!!)

 

anyways... I've been in a sort of similar situation with a guy i dated last summer. In my situation, he started acting strange, and then disappeared, and then came back in the picture after 3 months. (That's the abridged story.) I figured that he came back after 3 months because whatever girl he was also dating, things didn't pan out, so he decided to give me a try. I wasn't interested. shot him down pretty fast.

 

If he doesn't call when he says he will, he's basically not worth your time. You said it yourself. You're a great girl - go out and find a great guy.

[Relationship Coach]

BFG,

I have not implied that you are not smart or that you've slept with him. He isn't afraid of losing you because he sees that you are available to him. He's taking your tempature when he's kissing you. Be unavailable, see what reaction that gets.

[butterflygirl716]

Is that how you play everything? constantly lie what you want and feel. I'm sorry I kissed. I'm sorry I love him. It's all my fault, what for being christian, for forgiving, for possibly thinkign someone * * * *ed up and was sorry for what they did. Be unavailable...i see...while my heart continues to break.

 

I give up. I dont know how to be me anymore.

 

God, is everyone else ou tther so strong? Because when i read this stuff it feels like everyone else is self righteous and would never do what the person did. If you love someone, you would pull back if they kissed you and everything in your body said yes. I'm sorry i did, if that means I messed up, but i thought he loved me, and was making amends...now i have to feel like the fool?

 

Its all my fault? Fault for loving some * * * hole? for letting him kiss me?

 

Is that the way your worlds work? cuz i am very very very confused?

[butterflygirl716]

I'm sorry everyone.

 

I am angry and upset and I have few drinks in me. I don't want to be unavailable to him. I wanted to be with him. I fear I don't have the strength to be unavailable for another four months. Why do I have to feel bad about follwoing my heart?

Look, i get it, he doesn't want me or love me or anything. And that hurts like hell right now, esp when I let him in again. Now, I am sorry I am not perfect and couldn't shoot him down or yell at him,but I just thought God had my back on this one....

 

just needing some sort of comfort....its not fair. do you think he will ever come around again or should i just write him off/

[Relationship Coach]

BFG,

I'm not telling you to lie, I'm saying stop making yourself available to him and see if he really wants to make an effort or are you just a matter of convenience to him. This is not a game, it's a way of seeing if he is playing one with you! LOVE? You've never mentioned love. You said you dated for two months and then he broke it off because he was too busy. Are you in love with him or is the alcohol putting words in your mouth?

 

As far as your inner struggles with Christianity and your bodies cravings, that's your choice to make. No one here is being self righteous, only trying to keep you from being played. You may be to wrapped up in this guy to see what he's doing. We are just trying to help, sorry that it led to your aggravated responses.

[butterflygirl716]

I'm sorry I seemed agitated. Yes, I do care alot about my ex. I did date him for two months, and those were two of the best months I have had. I just felt like everyone was blaming me...like you should have known that his apology meant nothing, should have known he would do this...

 

As for availibility, he comes to where I work, I am there. And I called when I said I would. And that was that. I wasn't the one making plans or saying we should talk. Yes, I agree he should make an effort, I just want to know why I am not enough.

 

Its not alchohol talking, I didn't mention love, because if I don't mention it, it isn't real in some sense. But if I didnt care I wouldn't have forgiven him and or be writing on here.

 

I wasn't directing my statements quite at you relationship coach...

[butterflygirl716]

Also I forgave him because I am a bigger person, and two...bodily cravings...he kissed me and I gave in. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger, but I thought he was real in his statements. I just kissed him.

 

I guess I am so angry because I am not enough. For some reason, he doesn't want me and prob won't ever make the effort, and that hurts like hell. I don't care what he is doing. I just want it to be like before. And realizing this impossibility, that he prob never cared and from what you said, I was just a nice piece of * * *...well that hurts the most...because no matter what, Why do i still feel like i am the one to blame?

 

I was unavailable for 4 months...And then when someone says I am sorry, i still care abotu lets have lunch and talk, your still suppose to be unavailable?

I guess I'll be alone in 2006, because I am not much good at understanding love or people. I am what I am.

[Relationship Coach]

And realizing this impossibility, that he prob never cared and from what you said, I was just a nice piece of * * *...well that hurts the most...because no matter what, Why do i still feel like i am the one to blame?

 

You said you never had sex with him so I don't think he thinks you were a nice piece of pie. You blame yourself because you don't want to blame him. Look, the guy needs to make time for you or move on. I really don't think he has your feelings at the top of his list. His apology means nothing without action. He comes and sees you at your work because he doesn't have to make it a real date.

 

You have nothing to lose here, tell him how you feel and what you want. If he is still around after the "L" Bomb gets dropped, you may have a chance. He just sounds like and acts like he's playing you. Sorry, I give advise based on how I see things not on how people want to hear it.

 

Realizing someone isn't sincere in their intentions can hurt but you sound like you can do so much better. Don't sell yourself short! Put that sexy party dress back on and find someone who can be real and honest.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey butterflygirl, this guy really doesn't sound right for you. You will feel like you are to blame just because after a break up like that we all tend to blame ourselves and think of all the things we could have done different. That feeling will pass the more you think about what happened objectively. But don't expect the feelings to just go away, it could take anywhere from a few weeks to months.

 

He didn't treat you right. You need to take the time to realize this and have enough self respect to not let anyone treat you badly.