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The truth hurts... but she says she loves me.


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Hi there,

In late August of this year, I got talking to a great lass on the net, we both chatted about anything and everything, we "clicked" big time and it turned out that she lived about three hours away north from me. I also found out that she was married, but had been separated four months and was still living with him, they also have two kids. However this didn't seem to bother the chat we were having, we then exchanged numbers and then once we had spoken over the phone a few times, two weeks later she came to visit me in september, we clicked even more, we ended up sleeping together and then for the next few months she would come through and see me every few weeks or when she could, generally though on a weekend because of work and also the children. In this time we found more and more in common with each other, and it was like we found our soul mates, we both fell in love with eachother and let nature take it's course.


But in the first time she came to see me, she told me that her ex didn't know about her coming through to see me, and while she was here with me she was convinced that he had had affairs. They had been together 14 years and were married ten of them. When she went back home, she told him that she met me, and said she was dirty etc. Made her feel like hell, but Well a couple of weeks after we first saw each other, my lass found out that he had two affairs behind her back and possibly even more. Over the time they were together. He was her first love and she had been completely faithful to him. She had never believed in lying and neither had I, we both have been faithful in our previous relationships.


Throughout the next few times she came to see me, we would get closer, completely bond together, then leading up to christmas, she told her family that her and him had separated, had family problems, her kids don't know of me yet, and neither does her family apart from one sister she can confide in, but no matter the distance, we would still be there for each other. There have been times when its been tricky and complicated because of the distance. We'd disagree or cross our wires over the trust issues.She's felt like she couldn't trust me etc, and with other people giving me their opinions, I felt i couldn't trust her. I would leave her messages assuming she was back with him, etc. My lass also asked me to tell her if i ever would cheat, thing is i never would.


Well now to the point... about three weeks ago, my lass finished the relationship because she said it was too intense and also because he was putting pressure on her to get back with him. They were still occasionally sharing the same bed and he would ask and pressure her for sex and she would say no, cos she was with me, but he said it didn't matter. So if she finished it with me, he would back off, but didn't. After a week of no contact, my lass got in touch with me, saying that she loved me and couldn't be without me. She came through to see me, we had a lovely night together, it was the happiest that we'd both been in ages.


Then all of a sudden it was like our world had fallen apart...


We were together and my phone went, and then it rang off. It turned out that it was him, he had also been texting her, saying that he was gonna do something, had a card up his sleeve etc. I saw the messages, and then she told me...


My lass, the love of my life had cheated on me... I felt numb, felt like my entire soul had gone and I didn't exist.


And finally...


The truth...


It turned out that he knew about me before the first time she came through to see me, she said she was curious about being with someone and he told her to go for it, but when i asked her if I was just a revenge thing she said no, and it was then just after she just found out about his affairs. She genuinely wanted to meet me and came through on her own accord, he thought it was a passing phase, but she fell for me.


My lass then told me that she cheated on me with another guy on the net, she met him mid october, they went halves on a hotel room and had sex. He was already with someone, and the thing is i called her that night, and she told me she was going for a meal with her sister, but she wasn't she was going there, to meet this guy. She also told me that her ex encouraged her to see this other guy. she also said she was in denial over me, she didn't think it was possible for a guy to be as nice as me and wasn't sure if she wanted me as we were getting too serious. But in retrospect, she came thru to see me a few days later and stayed two nights. We made love and said she loved me but addmittedly looking back now she didn't say it as much.


Then she went on to tell me, that she was guilt ridden of what she'd done and was gonna tell me the time she stayed two nights, but her ex told her not to, cos there would be no telling what i might do to her, so she kept it in, bottled it up, and then at the same time he was giving her grief and being nasty with her, emotionally black mailing her. Then he would then black mail her into having sex with him, cos of what she had done behind my back and also once she'd done that, he would want more and if she didn't he would make her life hell both at home and also when she was with me. Then to top it off she said her head was that messed up she met this other guy off the net again. Slept with him, but he treated her like dirt. My lass then said she made a mistake. She carried this guilt around for eight weeks and was too scared to tell me, which is why she finished it, but then she came back to me.


Now she says she loves me and said it would never happen again, her head was messed up after finding out he cheated on her throughout the 14 years of them being together, she didn't know what she was doing, said she felt pressured and almost as if she had been "pimped" out by him.


I suppose you want to know my reaction to all of this? Well I was unbelievably calm, it's almost as if i knew, i had my suspicions , but knew she loved me. She was hysterical, was packing to leave, it was freezing and all i did was hug her, hold her, I made sure she was safe and we slept together in the same bed. Yeah I broke my heart about it, but i've decided to give her another chance as I feel we haven't been given another chance...


So what am i? A really nice guy or a really nice mug?


Your opinions please...


Terrence ](*,)

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With all due respect, you are an inexperienced man who is still young at heart. You trust people, and you should. However, you also are naieve in a VERY big way.


Quite simply, you got involved with someone who was involved. There were many, many red flags and you knew it but chose to ignore them. As a result, you got used. In a word I would say she treated you like a sucker. And I can this with good intentions because I, too, have been the sucker.


What to do now?


Well, you need to have some self respect and dignity and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is a cheater and a liar, and you'll have no more to do with her. And then move on.


Now, for the lessons learned, here are the red flags:


I also found out that she was married

two weeks later she came to visit me in september, we clicked even more, we ended up sleeping together

On the "first date" - not good.

she told me that her ex didn't know about her coming through to see me

She's lying to him - and to you.

Over the time they were together.

We'd disagree or cross our wires over the trust issues. She's felt like she couldn't trust me etc, and with other people giving me their opinions, I felt i couldn't trust her.

Your gut instinct was right - trust yourself next time.

They were still occasionally sharing the same bed


Everything else is a moot point.


I suppose you want to know my reaction to all of this? Well I was unbelievably calm

I know where you are coming from on this, and next time you need to tell her she's a liar and a cheater and walk out.


Now this is the worst part of all

i've decided to give her another chance as I feel we haven't been given another chance...

You're ABSOLUTELY out of your mind.


With all due respect, she has basically exposed you to STD's, lied, cheated, and used you and basically walked all over you, and you are taking her back? You are rewarding her for cheating on you, treating you like a piece of meat, and for her lying and manipulation.


I only reward a woman for loyalty, honesty, love, caring, etc.


If you stay with her, you will get what you deserve - and we only deserve what we allow people to do to us.


I surmise you'll "last" only a short time before she cheats on you again. You'll think everything is great, and then you'll "wonder" what went "wrong" when you already know.


She is much smarter and experienced than you, and it's clear. You're in over your head and there will unlikely be a happy ending here. Except for her throwing you away like a used towel.


Harsh? Well, yeah. Sorry, nothing personal, but you've really GOT to open your eyes.

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i think your sweet and nice. not many guys like you. you deserve much better. why is it the nice guys and girls always end up with the one's that brings us heartaches. she doesn't know how lucky she was to have you, her loss.


quote "for every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. for every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. for every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it"


i hope one day you'll find someone just as special as you.

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This situation is very rough. On one hand, it's clear to me that you have very strong feelings for this woman. I understand that, and I believe that when you really love someone, that it's almost impossible to see all of the different angles that others can see.


The big problem, is that you fell in love with a lie, which must be difficult to accept right now. She's not who she said she was, and in some situations and a lot of forgiveness, people can (and DO) get past it.


You are obviously a grown man, and can make your own decisions regarding the course your life is going to take. I just think that you should prepare yourself for some big obstacles ahead. Not only is she still married, but she's still living with her husband, PLUS there are children to think about (are you ready to take on the role of a second father-figure to her kids who you've never even met and probably won't like you at all, for a very long time?). Also consider that she is the type of woman who meets up with strangers off the internet for sexual encounters, and that (despite what she says), she can effectively lie to your face. I can sympathize that times are tough for her right now, but I think you may be asking for trouble with this woman. There seems to be way too much baggage at this point of her life, baggage that YOU will have to help her carry for a long time.


I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve another chance, but at this point, her life is an absolute train wreck that you can't fix. I know there are types of men who like being the 'rescuer of the wounded bird' (I know, poor taste, but still applies), but this bird has hit more than one window, smacking branches along the way. She has an enormous amount of issues to work out within her own life before she can really be with YOU and only YOU.

Getting into a relationship with this woman, right now, would probably suck the life right out of you. Love is powerful, but there are some very big roadblocks to take into consideration before you make this 'leap'.


You should also consider that, based on this woman's recent behaviour, that she is reaching out for any type of comfort. Would you really want to be the guy who just helps her leave her marriage, only to realize in a couple of months that you were a rebound? All I'm saying, is that it might be a very wise choice to keep your eyes WIDE open and to keep your expectations low.

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  • 1 year later...
The biggest red flag i see. SHe said she is "separated" but still living along and "Sharing" the same bed. Her ex or current husband doesnt know you are dating her.

You need to get real and see whats happening.



Not all women who are married are happy! Not all who fall for someone out side the marriage deserve to burn in hell. You sound like a man scourned to me JUT/JUSTICE?

humm I think you are giving foul advice.

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