I'm worried about a friend of mine

[BellaDonna]

There is a woman I'm friends with- I've know her since 5th grade. She is currently 27 years old and she's still a virgin. She says she does not want to have sex before marriage. I can respect that.

 

However she seems like a walking contradiction. Although she will not "have sex" she is a "fool around girl" and she has little standards for who she'll fool around with. She'll have oral sex on a whim.

 

She is known for one-nighters, and will take strange men back to her apartment. For example, just last night she was telling me she brought 2 drunk guys into her apartment and had a fool-around 3-some with them. These were 2 strangers that she happened to meet when they got out of a taxi near her apartment. I didn't ask for the details- but from the way she put it- she went down on both of them and vice versa (no protection used). Then the next night she took home another guy from a club and did the same with him. That's 3 different penises in less then 48 hours.

 

The first thing I thought of is that she could have easily been raped, hurt, or killed for bringing strange drunks into her apartment. I don't even think she knew more than their first name.

 

So how does one insist on being a virgin until marriage but then go down on anything with 2 legs and a "Y" chromosome and somehow think they are being safe, or moral?

 

I just think it's weird that she would not have sex, even when she's been in serious reltionships, but she'll do everything else with just about anyone. She even takes their picture (clothed) and adds to a photo album she keeps of men she has fooled around with. I think it's pretty sick and twisted. It's like she's keeping a collection.

 

I really worry for her health and safety. I told her this last night- yet she is very nonchalant about it and does not care.

 

 

BellaDonna

[darkblue]

That is rather twisted.

 

Is she saving sex until marriage out of religious reasons?

 

With the obvious risks to her health: STDs, not knowing the men - and they could be violent, etc. And she still doesn't seem to care...

There isn't much you can do apart from try and talk sense into her.

[BellaDonna]

Is she saving sex until marriage out of religious reasons?

 

No- what makes it even funnier- she's a complete ATHEIST. So her virginity is just due to personal morality I guess. I just think it's the strangest thing to be a virgin that long- yet behave the way she does.

 

All I know is that this is one friend that will NEVER use my lipstick.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

 

All I know is that this is one friend that will NEVER use my lipstick.

 

 

 

Personally if I were you, I would not be using hers either! Ewwww.....

 

It's one thing to NOT know where that mouth has been, but it certainly does not help anymore when you do.....

 

This certainly is a bit strange behaviour, but I have also seen that it is not that "uncommon". I have seen plenty of similar situations of men and women both keeping their "virginity" but feeling that oral sex, anal sex, and so forth are all perfectly fine, whether in a relationship or be it more well, frequent and random. Which is why I think that teaching abstinence alone is not always the best of ideas, since it seems to leave a lot out of it, and still have people in risky situations.

 

She is certainly getting herself into some dangerous situations however, and while you have expressed your concern, I don't think there is much more you can do beyond that. It is her life, her body, and her choices to make.

 

It sounds like it may be an issue of low self esteem, or perhaps there is something in her past (ie sexual abuse) that has her seeming to be very contradictory in her actions and beliefs. It is fairly common for someone whom has been abused to be promiscuous, but still also be protective in other ways of their bodies.

 

I just hope that she realizes that just because she is not having sex, does not mean she is not being exposed to any number of STI's, and she is getting regular checkups.

[PocoDiablo]

All I know is that this is one friend that will NEVER use my lipstick.

Bwaaahahahahahaaaaa. Oh god that made me laugh!

 

Me? I don't think she's a virgin, at least not ... how do I put this nicely... um... Okay, I can't. I bet she's had anal sex. Nice story from her though!

 

Okay, I'm gone!

[Dako]

If she's really been a "virgin" this long, she may have built it up into some monumental taboo to for redemption about being such a low-rent gal.

Sort of like a self-respecting hooker not kissing on the mouth.

 

When I think of a virgin, I don't think of a doubleheader.

[BellaDonna]

I just hope that she realizes that just because she is not having sex, does not mean she is not being exposed to any number of STI's, and she is getting regular checkups.

 

That brings up another concern- she's only been to the ob-gyn once in her life. She does not get checked yearly.

 

He behavior is self-destructive on so many levels. I don't think she has ever been abused. Maybe it is self-esteem. I do know that when we were in school she was considered a "geek". Now men pay attention to her and the first guy that gives her compliment can go home with her.

 

It's funny how all of my childhood friends have become complete weirdos. Another girl I was friends with since elementary school ran off to San Fransisco and became a dominatrix, prostitute, and porno star (I stopped talking to her once she began telling me about how "fun" it is to "whip men until they bleed" ). These girls were all "normal" as kids too. It baffles me.

 

Oh well....

 

 

I'm glad I have other friends. I do wish this particular one would stop fooling around so nonchalantly because I think she's going to get herself hurt one day.

 

 

If she's really been a "virgin" this long, she may have built it up into some monumental taboo to for redemption about being such a low-rent gal.

Sort of like a self-respecting hooker not kissing on the mouth.

 

Hmmmm...now that's food for thought.

 

BellaDonna

[Jinx]

To me it seems she is thinking here in the context of pregnancy but not STDs, and she may be one of those individuals who are lead to believe that oral and anal sex is perfectly safe.

 

I've heard things such as this up until the point of the photo album, that is a bit disturbing. Has she ever stated just why she keeps the photos of them when it is only a one night stand? Does she feel some source of accomplishment? Maybe even a low self esteem is playing here and she thinks this is something to look back upon?

 

Atheist or not, the behavior is odd. I suppose when you don't have a religion you can swing to whatever "moral" side of the road you'd like but it as you've said seems contradicting and not able to quite find the logic unless like I said in the first paragraph she has been lead to believe it is okay and safe sex, somewhere. I'm an Atheist and I wouldn't ever take up such behavior, of course each person will vary I suppose.

 

All in all, I think you need to have a sit down talk with her. Being the concerned friend is what you can provide. Explaining that No sex until Marriage is fine by you and is a good stance to take but the Oral sex isn't. State she can do as she wants but it isn't safe and with as often as it is occurring, unprotected for that, she will end up with an STD that will ruin her life. That and addressing other possible issues should get the point accross, she needs to be aware that the choices she is making on the latter half are not positive in any shape or form.

 

Personally, I think there is something going on in the brain that is driving a majority of this Nightly Oral Sex + Photo adventures. Reminds me of an extreme case of low self esteem in which the individual feels he/she needs reinforcement and thus uses their seduction and sexual skills this and that to prove to themselves that, "I'm sexy, everyone loves me, if they didn't I wouldn't of had all this." by keeping the photos is keeping the memories alive of that general concept. That, she may need counseling for as it may get extremely out of hand (Not that it hasn't already).

[RayKay]

That is a concern, because even if she is a virgin......and even if she was NOT participating in these....um...activities....she should be going regularly. It's very important. She is at an even higher risk however BECAUSE of these activities - unprotected and with strangers.

 

I think you should approach her with concern on that level, and volunteer to go with her to the OB/GYN if it would make her feel more comfortable.

[RayKay]

 

Personally, I think there is something going on in the brain that is driving a majority of this Nightly Oral Sex + Photo adventures. Reminds me of an extreme case of low self esteem in which the individual feels he/she needs reinforcement and thus uses their seduction and sexual skills this and that to prove to themselves that, "I'm sexy, everyone loves me, if they didn't I wouldn't of had all this." by keeping the photos is keeping the memories alive of that general concept. That, she may need counseling for as it may get extremely out of hand (Not that it hasn't already).

 

I second that. I think she is looking for love in all the wrong places, as the saying goes. She is making up in some way for the way she felt in high school (though really, most of us are awkward at that age, you are teenagers...even those we admire as beautiful, turn out to later admit they felt like ugly ducklings....just ask any of the supermodels ).

 

She trades sexual favours, for the feeling of being wanted, of being desirable, for those few minutes. I bet you afterwards she feels ashamed and it's only hurting her more in the long run. She does not want to talk about it because in some way, she does not feel proud of it.

 

I think too she needs some counselling to address these issues. And to get rid of that album.

[CarterJonas]

I think this is very strange behaviour for a virgin! I have nothing against a one night stand, but a girl needs to be careful especially if she doesn't know the guy.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do to dissuade her of this behaviour. I suppose, in time, she will either grow out of it or meet a boyfriend.