My friend won't give me space.. How to tell him?

[KIDD]

I have this certain friend who's really nice & he's cool or whatever. But it's like he's really a shadow to me & won't get off my back basically. I really want some space between us.It's like he's constantly calling me & he always want me to hang with him & be at his house to spend the night almost like everyday!!I have a life & other friends too. The problem is, he doesn't have alot of friends so it's almost like he's obsessed with me!! I really don't know how to really tell him no.I try to come up with excuses but he always seem to find a way to get over those excuses & I always end up having to do what he wants.We also work at the same job, just started 3 days ago!! YEAH! But like at my job, we have to do stock, he's always following me. I'm not trying to be mean, but I seriously trying to find a way to tell this dude. How should I go about it without hurting his feelings??

[BYOB]

"I try to come up with excuses but he always seem to find a way to get over those excuses & I always end up having to do what he wants."

 

Are you making those excuses up ?

If you do, you don't have to.

If you don't, then stick with your idea.

 

Watch something out; this buddy does not have the biggest part of the problem. The one who has difficulties is you. (I see deep through it that you're trying to bypass it but it's a long and high wall. Take your time to go straight to the point.) You must tell him either that you want to relax (alone!) or to admit to see other people without him and say that in counterpart, you'll see him a next time. (When it'll be his turn.) Forge your mind to break through pity. (I guess this is pity you're feeling about him.) This will not only help you but it will also help him since I can relate his behavior to dependance and dependance ain't good at all for a healthy (balanced) life.

 

(In other words, from the example of the wall, there is a bunked door in front of you. Blow it up then go through it.)

If you're in really good terms with that guy then you could take your time to talk to him seriously about joining social groups and finding such a solution with your support but that can be very hurtful (although not to some people which it seems that nothing hurts them) to inquire if your friendship isn't enough developed.

 

Hope that helps

[PocoDiablo]

I have this certain friend who's really nice & he's cool or whatever. But it's like he's really a shadow to me & won't get off my back basically.

So he's a stalker?

 

I really don't know how to really tell him no.

Try ... "No."

 

I try to come up with excuses but he always seem to find a way to get over those excuses

Sure, because you are lying, they are excuses, and he knows if he keeps pestering you that you will give in and he will get what he wants. Every time you do what he wants, you are rewarding him for doing whatever he does. If it takes 22 phone calls to get you to come over, and you give in, then he knows it will work again. 47 phone calls? Sure, he can do that. If you give him a lame excuse, and he dissects it, and you give in, then he knows you will give in.

 

You are REWARDING him for stalking you. Guess why it's getting worse? Yeah, because you are making it harder for him, but you're easy to get to give in.

 

at my job, we have to do stock, he's always following me.

Tell him to stop. Tell him he will get one warning, and if he does not you will talk to your manager and file a sexual harassment claim because he is making you uncomfortable.

 

Personally, I'd get a new job. There are lots of jobs out there. You'll probably get a raise.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but I seriously trying to find a way to tell this dude. How should I go about it without hurting his feelings??

Hurting... his... feelings... ??? With all due repsect, you are teaching him and rewarding him that stalking women is an acceptable and powerful way to get what he wants. He needs to learn that this kind of behavior is downright SCARY to most women and should not be rewarded.

 

Simply tell him no. No. NO!

 

If he asks why, you tell him "Because I said NO." If you have to, tell him "You are acting like a stalker and it's creepy. It has ALWAYS been creepy. You cannot treat women like this." Then go back into a broken record mode and just tell him "I said No." Then excuse yourself and walk away. If he calls, tell him "I said no" and hang up. Do NOT talk to him. Cut him off completely.

 

Then, if he backs off, sit down with him. Tell him what he has been doing is wrong. Tell him that if he does that with everyone, that is why he has such a hard time making friends. Maybe talk with him and take him to a library and have him check out the book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It's an old book, but will give him a leg up on how to act like a normal human being. Then suggest to him to read other books on how to make friends, flirt, dating, etc., so he can get caught up with reality.

 

In the long run you'll be doing him a BIG favor and he'll thank you for it.

[BellaDonna]

I would tell him that you need some space. If he insists on hanging out- tell him you need time alone. Then stick to it.

 

If he calls a lot, don't answer some of the time. He has to un-learn this behavior.

 

Tell him that your friendships fail when your space is taken away.

 

At work I would tell him that you concentrate better when you can focus on the task at hand, and without someone following you. Tell him you're also worried that your employer willo not take you seriously if the 2 of you are always together- it makes you appear unprofessional.

 

You can do this without hurting his feelings because you can attribute it to YOUR PERSONALITY (i.e. you, as a person, need time alone to function best) and not to him personally.

 

BellaDonna

[Ghostrider4042005]

maybe he's just one of them clingy guys but yes you're gonna have to confront him about it n just say stop acting like a stalker or i don't want to lose you as a friend but we don't need to hang out all day every day

[KIDD]

I know I'm super late on this topic.. sorry. I'm just going to be real with him. I'm not the type of person to go hanging out with friends alot. I'm actually fine and content with being by myself if I really have to... It's not such a big deal for me.It seems he's really obsessed with me & I'm going to have to try to find him other ways to get more friends or something. I'm at this point & stage at my life that I really don't want to be bothered with people..