Not helping out w/ baby

[skittles]

One of my good friends had a baby earlier in year, which was good, but the problem is the babies father hardly helps out with it, my friend has told me that she gets upset with him coz he doesn't help out with the baby. She takes the baby to work with her every day even though the father is at home most of the time during the day. I told her you need to find out what is going on with him, coz he has two other kids and he was always there to help out with kids. I told her that I'm not sure he wants to be there as a family man or anything and for her to try and set up arrangements with someone to help her out if he is not willing to step up and help out with the new baby. He is still talking to his other two kids a few times aweek and drives out of state to see them on his visitation times. He gets them during the summer and spends time with them every chance he can get.

My question is why is he being there for his other kids and not so much for the baby that is in the house? Me and some other friends have talked to our friend and found out that the dad got with our friend while he was separated from his x-wife and to watch out for a rebound type of relationship. Could this be the reason for his lack of involvement with his new baby?

Any help would be great!!!! I don't want to see my friend get hurt, if this guy is just using her to avoid his real feelings toward his ex.

[melrich]

How do you know he was always there to help out with his first 2 kids?

[RayKay]

Has she talked to him about it, or have they gone to family/marital counselling?

 

I cannot tell you why he is not there for the baby, there could be many reasons. He may feel distanced from the child (sometimes the mother-child bond can "leave" the father feeling left out whether intentional or not), he could not be sure of the relationship he has with your friend, or have not bonded to the baby as he has with his other children by now (some people are also just apprehensive of babies...they are delicate and new and cry a lot!) and he was like this with his children too when they were babies, could be he was not ready to move on, but all of a sudden was having another child and sort of "distanced" himself from it. Perhaps there are even doubts for him it is his child for some reason.

 

This is something though THEY need to figure out together, and discuss together.

[BellaDonna]

I just want to offer another perspective- is it possible she is making him feel imcompetent and as if he is not able to care for the new baby?

 

The reason I ask is that I can remember when my brother and sister were born- my mom was a total worry wort and very very attached. She didn't let my dad take control as a parent. She did things a certain way and would snap at my dad sometimes if he'd try to do things a different way. For example: she'd say "Noooooo you have to burp the baby this way" If it wasn't exactly her way she'd get anxious about it, and figured it was easier to do it herself then to try to "teach" my dad or allow him to deviate from her way.

 

It sounds like this is your frinds first child?

 

Does she ask him if he'll watch the baby and he says "no"? Or does she think he is not able to watch the baby so she chooses take the baby to work out of fear that he can't take care of it? Is she a perfectionist?

 

Is she breast-feeding, as this can also complicate things if she does not put her milk in a bottle so the dad can also feed the baby.

 

If he is indeed rejecting his own child and putting all the responsibility on her then that is WRONG. But he has a relationship with his other 2 kids so it seems unlikely that he'd reject this new baby for no reason. Usually there are 2 sides to every story. I would observe the dynamics of her mothering behavior or ask her if she thinks there's anything she may be doing that contributes to this detachment from the father.

 

Also, if she feels this way she really needs to talk to her husband. The best you can do is offer support.

 

Here's a site with some more info on this:

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Yeah Bella, I agree and what I was hinting at when I asked if it was because he felt EXCLUDED from that 'mother-chil' bond.

 

I too have seen new, nervous mothers whom never even let the fathers have a CHANCE to take care of the baby at all, and complain about their lack of input.

[skittles]

She told me that he was always there and that is why she is talking to me about it.

 

Yes, she gets upset with him when he doesn't help out with their baby.

Yes, this is her first child and when the older kids come around, she pays most of her attention to her baby, which is understandable but I told her she needs to also pay attention to the other kids while they are around. I haven't asked her but just by her actions and some of the things that she says she feels like his kids are an intrusion when they come to visit. Her husband wanted his son to come live with them for awhile because of some trouble he was having in school and so thereforeeee the other sibling was also going to move in with them, which she was not happy about at all.

 

I agree that they should talk about this issue but it is hard to watch a friend maybe being taken advantage of.

 

I did not consider the fact that maybe she is a perfectionist, which she can sometimes be, which will also have a negative spin on their relationship.

[RayKay]

This is a concern - I guarantee he can feel that he favours her own child over his kids, and while that is normal to feel that way, part of being involved with someone with kids is that you also have to treat those kids with respect too, they are part of the package. It will become a bigger one over time too if it is not addressed.

 

It is not fair that the kids are made to feel an intrusion when they come to see their FATHER, or that they are made to feel less important either. It's normal - she is in love with her new baby, but she cannot ignore the other people in her family too. HIS children need to be welcome in the home too - they are just children, and she seems to resent them to some degree by her comments on the intruding, and that is something she needs to address.

 

I don't think she is being taken advantage of from what you have described, but I do think they need to work this out.

 

Can I ask how old she is, and he is?

[skittles]

He is in his mid 30's and she is in her low 40's.

 

Just to clarify, she did not come right and told me that the kids were and intrusion, I just came to the conclusion by her getting upset when the kids were maybe going to come stay with them. I do know that he has set earlier times to get his kids but at the last minute he changes it to a later time, even though they are available to get the kids at the earlier time that was agreed on. I know this because we were out on Fri. nite doing some errands and she made the commit that getting the kids can wait, it's no big deal to her.

I told her that it may not be a big deal to you but what about your husband and the other kids, but she didn't say anything to this.

[Mun]

She might get more help from the dad if he were to see her make more of an effort with his other children. She needs an attitude adjustment with regards to the children...they are ALL his kids, not just the one she has.