Husband knows and still it continues

[Webster123]

If someone knows the answer or has any advise I really need some...

 

I have been having an affair with a married woman (actually a neighbor two doors down from my house) for over a year and a half now. At the start I was married though it was unstable to begin with, and once I was involved with the OW (the OW initiated the affair at the beginning. Actually the first night I meet her) I ended my marriage and continued the affair. I have never pressed the OW with the fact that I left my wife. That was my decision alone and ultimately the best for many reasons.

 

But here is the kicker. The husband knows all about my relationship with his wife. Just after our affair started she was honest and told him that she was involved with me. At this point their marriage should have had a huge negiative impact but no.....

 

For the last year and more I see her regularly (twice, three times a week, though only once or twice over night). The husband knows she is going out with me but never says much to her or tries to stop her with any real conviction. I have taken her kids with mine to outings (picnics, swimming, etc). My kids and her kids go to the same school, the same birthday parties. Heck, half the neighborhood knows that we are seeing each other and certain members of her family (sisters).

 

The problem is they still continue to have a "family" relation. They do things with their kids, go to family functions, go away for Xmas to family, etc. I feel like the guy out in the cold looking through the window wanting to do these things with her but unable.

 

She tells me they have not had sex together since she first started to be involved with me and they hardly communicate but they still sleep in the same bed. I want to believe it (can a person actually go without sex for over a year???)but I really don't know. IWe have had many decisions about her leaving her husband but in the end she always says that she is confused, undecided. Doesn't want to hurt the kids or her parents and family.

 

I keep telling myself things will change. The husband or her will say they have had enough and end their marriage. She will then leave her husband and we'll go to that next level that I want so badly. But it never does.

 

I guess my question is if you put this under a category where would it fall since its not a secret affair and everyone knows. Is it even an affair? And second, why does the husband stand for this. Does he love her at much or what is she actually telling him. Is he just hanging on to save his family? How can a spouse sit by and watch this happen.

 

I have tried to end the relationship many times (I know the true victim in all this is the husband and their kids. I fully realize that) but she tells me she loves me; I am the only one that understands her. She cannot see herself with her husband in the future, etc but she never truly commits. Once again, she is away with her "family" over Xmas and New Year's and I sitting home alone frustrated and confused. What a convoluted mess.

 

So...if anyone has any advise it would be appreciated

[melrich]

The only thing I can come up with is what you have already suggested. The husband (and probably her) are scared to lose the security of their family unit so he has turned a blind eye to what is going on.

 

I doubt you'll ever get what you want (why would she change anything she has her family security and you on the side) unless you force someone's hand.

 

It sounds a very strange situation. I think you need to consider where this places you in the whole scheme of things - with your own sense of yourself, with her, with the husband, with the community - and ask if this is a place you really want to be.

[Relationship Coach]

WOW! What a plot for "Desperate Housewives" to follow!

 

You have a rather unique issue here, you have her but the husband has the family which of course includes her. It sounds like she is having her cake(double layer) and eating it too! Why would she want to change the status of your relationship or her marriage at this point? She has the best of both worlds.

 

Now the husband on the other hand, this one is a little difficult to figure out. Maybe he is having a side of cake as well and has his reasons for keeping it to himself(maybe another neighbor or perhaps another gender). I'm certain he would talk to you about wrecking his family and borrowing his wife a few nights a week as if she were a leaf blower if this situation was really troubling him. It appears that he is OK with the neighbor with benefits relationship for now.

 

This is more of an open marriage rather than an affair. Infidelity? Yes, as far as the bible goes but no one seems to be getting hurt, other than your own feelings. You want to be included in to the family circle more and that is part of a normal relationship, one in which you are not having. She has sent you conflicting messages and you need to decide(I know this sounds weird) how much more of this exclusion you can take. You long for more and you're just not happy with being the other man. WOW! It's been a while since I've been faced with this issue. Either risk losing her by demanding more or learn to deal with your alone time better.

[RayKay]

You wonder how he can sit and watch this happen, but how can you too? Granted you had more choice, but right now she is playing you both and the children are the most innocent in this - they are learning what "love" is from this, what is "normal" and also seeing their parents hurt one another, or themselves. You are all adults, and all of you are either behaving terribly, or making the wrong choices. Maybe he has cheated, or does too, which why he dismisses it, or maybe he has low self esteem, or she tells him things to keep him there, who knows. Maybe he loves his kids and thinks this is best.

 

 

It sounds like there is very little reason for her to change things either, she has both things she wants. While she may NOT be sleeping with him, I think this is the story told in many affairs. You may be surprised what she tellls him.

 

I don't know, but honestly I don't think this is healthy at all (surprise!). Relationships born of affairs have a minimal chance as is but this seems even stranger. I think you need to determine whether this is really healthy or what is going to be satisfying in the short and long term.

[Bethany]

For everyone's sake, be strong and end it now. There are no winners in all this as you are finding out I'm sure.

Bet you any money he has said that he isn't going to be the one who walks out of the marriage which then leaves her to random,she would have to leave him and her children and you know she isn't going to do that, for anyone.

 

When it comes down to it, it's up to you what you do but I would say to you that you should use your intuition about her and ask yourself.... Do you honestly think that she will leave behind her family and home for you? Deep down, you know the answer.

[PocoDiablo]

She's the winner here, and you two guys are both the suckers & losers. With all due respect, she gets twice the attention and can give each of you half the effort in return.

 

He's not dumping her probably because he knows it's over but it too afraid to dump her and be alone.

 

You'll never be able to be with her because you're not a responsible man, like her husband (you're a cheater, sorry to be blunt.)

 

So what to do? How about find a single woman with whom you can have a respectful and fulfilling relationship? You're getting played and think you're getting a deal. Why would you want ... seconds? And I am putting that nicely.

 

Remember, actions speak louder than words. If she has not left him yet to be with you ... she probably never will.

[Tigris]

Yes it's possible to go without sex. I had to do without for 2 and a half years because my husband didn't want to anymore!

[talo]

Well, this sounds like quite an enlightening 'arrangement'. Sounds like the husband is quite an enlightened fellow. Perhaps you should have a chat to him about his outlook on all this.... Maybe you could slowly become part of the family, or at least a 'friend of the family', and eventually become part of 'family functions'; after all, you currently are providing some sort of 'service' or 'function' for the family aren't you?

 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all could be as 'sharing' with 'what is ours'...

 

This could well be 'the way to go', ie, towards a more inclusive love...