Story about how a girl dumped me

[Venturer]

I told this story to Poco here, and he suggested I share it with everyone here. In fact, I considered posting this story here several months ago, but it was either too painful to write, or it made me angry. But now, the pain is all gone... however, a wee bit of the anger is still simmering - don't think it'll ever go away, and I wouldn't want it to - because it will help me to make sure it will NEVER happen to me again.

 

Ok here goes:

 

Last year, there was this beautiful brazilian girl who I thought was amazing and we'd dated for 3-4 months, and when she dumped me back in February, it took a very long time for me to get over her. I considered writing about this here in this forum after she dumped me, but I didn't want to relive that thing. But I can tell you that story.

 

when I dated her, during that time things were great and I was on cloud 9. We spent many nights in the sack and I REALLY liked her. She liked me too, at least in the beginning. I did my best to not be too smothering and clingy but it was hard, and I slipped up a few times. I made a few mistakes, which I won't go into because it'd be too long of a story. Of course, things cooled off after 2-3 months, and she being an undergraduate student, she had a winter break of a month between semesters. She went back to her family in boston and we knew we wouldn't see each other for an entire month, and we'd talk on IM.

 

I tell you, it was one of the longest months of my life. I did my best to space out our IM conversations to about twice a week, and kept them to an hour or less. It took an incredible amount of self control not to sign on and IM her when I've just talked to her that day or the day before. But I felt something wasn't right... some of her away messages looked dubious, mentioning other guys and gave me a funny feeling. For example, one said "Ron, I'll meet you there at 1 pm" or something like that. And another time, I IMed her and she wasn't very responsive. I had already told my family and friends that we're dating, but I stopped short of calling her my "girlfriend" because I wasn't sure if she would still be with me when she came back to DC for school after a month of being away... it's that darned girl-goes-out-of-town-and-comes-back-cold-and-uninterested curse which I've been hexed with for nearly 3 years. Where's Harry Potter when you need him??? :smile:

 

One day, about a week before she got back, she IMed me and said "I need to tell you something about myself when I get back". That had me concerned, and I was itching to hear it but I knew she had to tell me in person, not on IM. So she came back into town, and she didn't IM me to tell me that she's back immediately. So I IM'ed her and said you're back already? she said, she wanted to chat and catch up with her roommates on news and stuff. Then she asked when we are getting together. I set a date and time, and we got together in a coffee place... she seemed a bit cold and after an hour of small talk, she spilled the beans.

 

Yes, she was breaking up with me, but I didn't realize it at the time... you know why? Because she had a very good "cover story" ... no, her cover story has to be a CLASSIC. Her story was like this... she's an illegal immigrant way overdue of being deported back to Brazil, and the INS is after her, and if she doesn't finish school this year (2005) and graduate, she'll have to go back to her country without a bachelors degree. She's been in this country for 15 years, and overstayed her welcome for 12-13 of those years according to immigration law -- (aside: this doesn't sound right because after all this, I asked my sister, a lawyer herself, about these laws and she was very surprised that she was *somehow* able to stay in this country THAT long). Anyway, back to her story... she was sobbing about how the INS screwed up her paperwork, her lawyer telling her and her mom that they had no future in the country, that she couldn't go to Paris with her friends because she wouldn't be able to get back inthe country, that she felt overwhelmed by having to take 25 credits in one semester in order to graduate, and that she was flat broke. She capped this long life sob story by saying - I don't think it's fair to you to put you through this, so I see you as a good friend instead of a boyfriend, and I don't wanna lose you bla bla bla. Her story is actually a true story - I know this, but it had nothing to do with me anyway, and she was just using it as an EXCUSE to unload me.

 

And I bought it. I bought this story, hook line and sinker. She was a crying and emotional wreck, and it was powerful enough and that's why I bought it and sympathized with her... saying that if she needs anything, I'll be there for her. She said she needed space and needed to sort out her feelings for a couple of weeks, and "we'll go from there". How cruel was that - to give me a glimmer of hope?

 

But I knew it was over. I knew I was done. But I was in denial for a week or so... but it took me 6 or 7 MONTHS to get over her. After dating for 3 months? dang. We have some of the same mutual friends, and I seen her around a few times in the next 5 months. Every time I saw her, she seemed to be so happy, doing just fine, hanging out with her friends, dancing with guys, and having a plain ol' fun time. I kept my composure, but it was hard... it was killing me inside. Trying to play up social proof, I even made out with some british girl that I didn't even like.

 

Long story short, she left town for the summer and I was happy that she was out of DC, and I hung out with my buddies, traveled to places, dated some girls here and there, and had my own share of fun. That helped me get over her. At the same time though, I had a gut feeling that the brazilian's sob story was just a cover story and an excuse to break up with me. Actually I started to have that feeling a few weeks after she dumped me, but I didn't want to face it. Then, to my chagrin, she came back to DC and was happy and carefree as usual. She still IMs me sometimes, and until I've read the doc love book, I would answer and we'd talk a few times. But after I picked up the doc love book, I stopped replying to her IMs.

 

Because now that I've read the doc love book, I realized that her story was indeed just an excuse to break up with me. I heard through the grapevine that she got engaged over the summer, but that engagement only lasted a few months (don't ask, I don't know what the story is), and she's still enjoying the "single life" in DC - I mean, we could've been still together through the year if she wanted to stay with me. Needless to say, I was extremely STEAMED. I had to take a 2 or 3 mile walk in freezing weather to calm myself down. Now I despise her guts. She's very charming, irresistble, sweet, and all the guys like her... even the girls like her too! And one of my best friends has been getting "cozy" with her, as I've seen pictures of them in his blog... and now he's not my best friend anymore. In fact, I'm not speaking to him or her again. That showed who my friends are REALLY my friends and those who aren't really my friends. All that slimey SOB cares about is getting laid and doesn't give a hoot about his own friends.

 

So, that's the story... I'm never falling for an excuse to dump me again. But I have to say this... that brazilian girl's "cover story" excuse to dump me was a CLASSIC. She could get a Nobel Prize for this, and an Oscar for the sobbing act. And I was a HAIR away from blurting out "but I love you!" when she said she needed space... somehow those three words didn't come out though. I'm still pissed about this, but mostly at myself for falling for this and sending myself into a tailspin for the following 5 months. But now that I have the doc love book, shame on me if I'm fooled twice! *fuming*

 

I would love to turn back the clock so I can dump her instantly once I got an inkling that something is REALLY amiss. But nothing I can do about it, it's all in the past, and I can only learn from this for the future.

 

Nobody will dare try to, or even think about, pulling this crap on me again.

 

*sighs* Insane, eh?

 

PS. I feel better after writing this down and getting this out... as there weren't anyone except one close buddy in real life that I told all this to.

[RayKay]

Sometimes it does feel better to write it all out!

 

WOW, what a story! I agree with your sister, it's might odd she could stay in the country *that* long without them deporting her, considering she is not exactly "hiding" either. It sounds like a BS story to me too, but wow, what a classic! I am sorry it ended this way, but you are definitely better off without someone whom would lie to you like that instead of being mature enough to be honest.

 

At least you got a "interesting" story out of the deal....yikes!

[PocoDiablo]

Bravo for posting this! Doesn't that feel good? Man, I am so impressed at how you are handling all this now.

[valenski]

Thats an awsome story man, think I can even relate to some of what you wrote. Wish people would be straight with you when they break up though, its the least they can do for someone that cares for them.

 

----------------------------------------------------

Is it better to love and lose then to not love at all?

[darkblue]

She-was-pathetic.

Unbelievable.

 

I don't blame you for falling for it. When you are that interested in someone, you tend to shut off what you don't want to hear, and suddenly everything makes 'sense'.

 

Thanks for posting the story.

[Venturer]

Yeah, glad you guys liked this story.

 

The most important thing I learned from all this is: ALWAYS ALWAYS listen to your gut instinct - it's spot on nearly 100% of the time.

 

In this case my gut instinct was screaming that something was wrong but I didn't want to listen to it because I didn't want to let her go.

 

Thanks all, especially Poco and Raykay for your support.

[PocoDiablo]

Anytime. I'll send you the bill.

[ShySoul]

. Her story is actually a true story - I know this, but it had nothing to do with me anyway, and she was just using it as an EXCUSE to unload me.

 

You know for a fact that it was a true story? So why the assumption that it was an excuse to call things off with you? Maybe she was feeling overwhelmed by everything, that you yourself say was truly going on, and at the time wasn't in the state of mind to carry on a relationship with you. It might not have been an excuse, it might not have just been about coming up with something to stop going out with you, it was probably exactly how she was feeling at the time. Unless a person is really crazy, they aren't going to come up with such an elaborate excuse just to stop seeing you. And I don't see anything to prove this girl is crazy and did use it as just an excuse.

 

While I don't believe she was using all of this just as an excuse, I agree that you are better off without her. Hope things go better for you in the future.

[Venturer]

Oh, please spare me the "state of mind" psychobabble bull, Shysoul.

 

Her story had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. She could've told me her story without dumping me if she wanted to stay with me. Life gets hard for everybody sometimes, but that's NO REASON to end a relationship. So if you use the "life is just so hard for me right now" story to end a relationship, you are using an EXCUSE.

 

Plain and simple. End of story.

[ShySoul]

First thing that popped into my head:

 

A person's parents have been married for 35 years. They have been the constant in his life. Then out of no where they get a divorce. It turns into an ugly divorce. The person's one shining example of love is now ripped away causing him to doubt if love can last. This causes him to question the relationship he is in. What happened has nothing to do with the person he is with, and yet it affects the relationship and can lead to a breakup. It isn't an excuse, it is the person's valid feelings at the time. The feelings may be wrong, it may not be the case that their relationship is doomed to fail, but it doesn't make it an excuse.

 

Point is, there is no reason to believe it is an excuse. It really could be how she was feeling at the time. She really could have wanted to spare you the hassle of dealing with her and what she was going through. She really could have been overwhelmed and not want something serious, and thought she should end things with you before it got more serious. It could also be an excuse. The only person who knows that for sure is her. I'm just trying to keep an open mind about it.

 

I think the bigger issue here is, if you don't like her and are over her, then why such a strong reaction? Why the outburst when I even suggested that maybe it wasn't an excuse? If you are really over her, shrug it off and say she's being foolish. Don't have such a hostile reaction.