Number of Partners

[chaos]

My question is does, or should, the number of partners a person has had matter?

 

I've recently started talking to a girl online and through the course of the conversation I've come to find out that she's not in a relationship but still enjoys the company of other men, if you know what I mean. This leads me to believe that she's probably been with a lot of men. Assuming this is true, is it something to be concerned about? Is someone who enjoys casual sex going to be more likely to cheat? Should this be a red flag when considering dating or being in a relationship with someone?

 

Perhaps I'm just intimidated as I've only been with a few women, all of which have been, or become, serious relationships. I've never been one to have casual sex even when presented with the opportunity, which, to be honest, hasn't happened in a LONG time. Anyways, I just want to know if I'm being stupid and prudish, or if I should stop persuing anything now. Other than this one issue I've really enjoyed talking to her and we seem to have a lot in common, etc... It doesn't hurt that she's a looker either

 

And don't just read this, REPLY to it!

[kellbell]

Well, the answers are going to depend on your boundries. Such as the number of partners...is that a big deal to you? Do you perfer a woman who has not been with a lot of men? Is a woman who is into casual sex, is that another problem for you? Again, do you want to get into the likes of a woman who views sex so casually and non-chanlantly? And her being a looker, well, if her lifestyle and personality goes against any boundries you set for yourself, it should not matter. Boundries keep us from getting hurt and it is important not to break them for your sake.

[RayKay]

Well, it does not necessarily mean that she is more likely to cheat at all. Whether someone cheats or not, depends on how they value commitment and fidelity. There are plenty of people whom I know of whom remained virgins until marriage, and ended up cheating, or having emotional affairs too. This is something you have to find out for yourself by talking to her, and deciding if you have similar/compatible values and beliefs in that regard.

 

So, while she may participate in sex outside of relationships, it does not mean it changes her views on commitment or fidelity. Even good people may have had casual sex in their lives - the difference here is she is being honest about it and telling you.

 

I think you have to look at it as an package. It might be a red flag if that is how you view it, but I would consider it more of a red flag if she said she slept with multiple people while being in a relationship, or she was not safe, or she slept with many people in a very close time frame, etc. You have to look at is a whole. For me personally, if you are sleeping with someone, I don't think you should be sleeping with a bunch of others too, but for some people, 'casual' sex with a regular partner, or every few months, is pretty normal. It also does not necessarily mean she has been with a lot of men, so this is something you need to decide for you.

 

I think no one here can tell you how you should feel about it though. I can't tell you you are being prudish, nor can I tell you to just forge ahead. Everyone has different ideas when it comes to this. I will say that if you feel it is going to be a problem for you, be careful. It would be unfair to her to get into a relationship with her if you already know you are going to resent her, and not trust her because of her past. If you cannot accept she has had multiple partners, it's best to move on and find someone with a history more suitable for you. You can't enter something knowing someone's past and expect it to just disappear entirely.

 

You have just started talking, so maybe give it some time, to know her a bit more, and decide. Find out if there is more to her then being a "looker" because beauty alone does not make a relationship, and has blinded many men into entering relationships maybe they shouldn't have

[Beec]

It certainly does not make it mroe likely that she will cheat.

 

The other question is one of values. I understnad your experience is limtied, but would you have casual sex, what do you think of it happening? and do you otherwise differ in values? usually, your values need to be simialr for there to be long term potential.

[chaos]

Beec: I don't think I would have casual sex. I mean, I'm a guy, so it sounds great in theory. But I also know that it takes awhile before I'm really comfortable with someone, especially when it comes to sex. Usually the first couple times I have sex with someone I'm not even able to finish! My first reaction is to have less respect for someone who sleeps around but, I havn't lived their lives so I can't judge them.

 

I guess I just have to get to know her better and see how it goes. All these thoughts are coming from a couple sentences during a casual conversation. For all I know she's talking about a vibrator! Besides, it's probably too early to be worrying about this stuff anyway. I havn't even met her face to face yet and perhaps I never will. I'm not gonna call it quits just yet...

 

I'm still curious how other people view the number of people their partner(s) have slept with. Do you want to know? Don't want to know? Get jealous or intimidated by it?

[Mjane]

My question is does, or should, the number of partners a person has had matter?

I think it depends on the number... I know that's a mixed response, but if you've been with four girls and she's been with ten guys... I think the difference is irrelevant... but this one guy told me he's been with about 80 women and I was shocked... I was really turned off and he knew it. Next thing I know he's scaling it back to 60 something ... it was a definite red flag that eventually led to a ton of red flags...

But then again, what do you think of the gals in the tv show Sex in the City?

And a lot of women feel pressured to have sex early in a relationship... so if they've had quite a few relationships... it doesn't mean they are easy.

And a woman enjoying sex and going out and having some.. well frankly... I'd be a hypocrit if I said it was a horrible thing to do... I think it depends on how high are the numbers 20-30 or 100

[RayKay]

 

I'm still curious how other people view the number of people their partner(s) have slept with. Do you want to know? Don't want to know? Get jealous or intimidated by it?

 

I don't think disclosing an exact number is generally wise, it seems that the truth is often not quite so accurante, and it often seems people have different ways of counting. A guy may example disclose "7" but then leave out all the women he was still pretty intimate with (oral, etc). Some also don't count it if it was under two minutes, etc...I don't know, but I have heard some weird ways of "counting"!

 

There is also often bound to be more questions, or some jealousy, and so forth.

 

For me, I assume they have had at least as many partners as relationships that lasted at least a couple months, and get an idea of their views on sex.

From this, you can generally figure things out. If a guy brags, lets me know he has been with dozens upons dozens, cheats, sleeps with anyone whom walks by, or something, those are things that are red flags to me, and I would not get too involved with them.

 

I don't need to know the nitty gritty, as long as they are tested and free of STI's, are faithful and committed when they are in a relationship and are respectful and loving towards me, and accept that they are not my "first" either! If the person is the right person, and that feeling is reciprocal, there would not be much need for jealousy or intimidation.

[PocoDiablo]

My question is does, or should, the number of partners a person has had matter?

Only if it seems unreasonably high.

 

I've recently started talking to a girl online and through the course of the conversation I've come to find out that she's not in a relationship but still enjoys the company of other men, if you know what I mean. This leads me to believe that she's probably been with a lot of men. Assuming this is true, is it something to be concerned about?

Only if you are afraid of being kept up late at night by a nymphomaniac. Trust me, it's not as fun as it sounds.

 

Is someone who enjoys casual sex going to be more likely to cheat?

In my opinion, no. In fact, I believe they are less likely because they understand they have options and freedom.

 

Should this be a red flag when considering dating or being in a relationship with someone?

The red flag should be if they are still friends with other guys while you are dating, spend time alone with them, initiate physical contact, or do things that make you feel incomfortable. Women who love and respect their partner will rarely spend time with other men for fear of upsetting him and damaging her relationship with you.

 

Perhaps I'm just intimidated as I've only been with a few women, all of which have been, or become, serious relationships. I've never been one to have casual sex even when presented with the opportunity, which, to be honest, hasn't happened in a LONG time. Anyways, I just want to know if I'm being stupid and prudish, or if I should stop persuing anything now.

Is she flirting with other men? Giving out her phone number? Basically acting single? If so, dump her. If she is being faithful, honest, open, and mature about it, then you've got a winner. Avoid liars, cheaters, and anyone who is not loyal.

 

Other than this one issue I've really enjoyed talking to her and we seem to have a lot in common, etc... It doesn't hurt that she's a looker either

I don't know what led you to ask this question, such as if she did or said something, but from what I can gather you are being paranoid. Knock it off unless you have a REAL reason.

[smittenkitten]

Give her a chance but go slow. I've had a lot of partners & I've done the "casual sex" thing, but I'm extremely ethical and trustworthy. I went through the casual sex phase in my life when I felt that it was unlikely I'd ever meet someone with whom I was completely compatible. As Lyle Lovett says, "Given that true intellectual and emotional compatibility are at the very least difficult, if not impossible to come by, we can always opt for the more temporal gratification of sheer physical attraction. That wouldn't make you a shallow person, would it?" lol!

 

However, I learned through those experiences that I prefer real relationships with real substance. Casual sex and one-night stands are, in my opinion, simply masturbation with an organic vibrator. I wouldn't have realized that if I hadn't tried it, and I think I'd be more likely to cheat on a man if I hadn't given myself free rein to experiment sexually and find out what works for me and what doesn't.

 

So don't close the door on her yet. Get off the computer and meet her in real life ASAP so you can decide if this has potential. We can all be whoever we want to be online; it takes a face to face meeting to find out if the chemistry is there. Take it slowly so you can find out what she's all about. Casual sex and one-night stands might be an important part of her sexuality, and not something she plans to change. You'll know after you've been out with her a few times.

 

Or, she might be like me... someone who's honestly looking for a decent relationship, who happens to have a spicy past, but who will be very happy to settle down and be faithful and monogamous with the right person!

 

Good luck!

[ShySoul]

It depends on your values and morals. I firmly believe in waiting for marriage to have intercourse, so I'm not going to be thrilled to find out a women slept with a bunch of different guys. Someone who is into causal sex is going to turn me off in a hurry. I don't expect them to be virgins, but I expect that they at least hold sex in a high degree and only have done it with people they truly loved and were in a serious committed relationship with.

 

Some people might not care. Some people may think sleeping with all kinds of people is ok. We are more attracted to those who are similar to us. In my case I'm going to be attracted to the people who haven't slept with many and not like those who have. For people who have slept around, they are going to be more tolerable of it. If they weren't it would be very hypocritical, wouldn't it?

 

The other thing to consider is that the more people a person has sex with, greater risk there is for diseases. So make sure to be safe and go through testing so that everything is ok.

 

A higher number of partners does not necessarily equate to likely to cheat. However, I can see where a person could get suspicious. If you know the person has slept with a lot of others, insecurities can easily creep up and you wonder if what you shared meant as much to her as it did to you. You can feel like a number on the list.

[chaos]

I'm meeting her tomorrow afternoon. If all goes well we may end up going to a New Years Eve party tomorrow night

 

Wish me luck!

 

Any tips on how to NOT be a nervous wreck would be appreciated... But I should probably start a new thread for that.

[smittenkitten]

Good luck! May your date not be like your screen name.