Needing more advice-- situation wth boyfriend and friends on New Years Eve

[Hope75]

xmrth,

 

Of course it's hard. You've been with this guy for 6 years, since you were a 14 year old child. He is all that you know. That does not mean that he is all that it out there, though.

 

You mention that you've broken up in the past. How many times? What happened and who initiated the breakups?

 

How long were you apart, and how did you handle the seperations?

 

How did you come back together?

[melrich]

Xmrth, I'm really glad that our opinions (and that is all they are) are making you think and question some things. But you know yourself and your boyfriend better than anyone and you are in the best position to make decisions about what to do.

 

I think I said somewhere to you before that if you want this relationship no matter what and that means you have to put up with the idiosyncracies of your b/f, then that is a valid decision.

 

But just keep in mind, nothing will change unless you change it. There do seem to be lots of parts of this relationship that are working well and you have to balance those against what is not working for you.

[xmrth]

We broke up years ago just in high school a couple of times. Once for 6 months, but we were still together all of those times. I'm the only one who ever initiated the breakup. I only did because I felt like all boyfriends should be over-the-top romantic (being 14-16 during those times. I think it was one time, and then other times I was just being impossible and we kept it to ourselves), and plus I felt like I was still young and since so many guys liked me in high school, I didn't know what I wanted. We got back together by me just saying I wanted to be... he had tried asking me, but at our age I didn't know at all if it would last because we were so young. We're young now, but I know so much more than I did then and have grown so much more.

 

I now realize all guys don't have to be super intensely romantic, and I don't really care about it anymore anyways. Many guys still like me, but I don't care. I don't want to be with them because I get to know things about them through being even just acquaintances and distant friends even, that I would never want to deal with some things... and there's been so many I know as they pursue me I can't help but know them on a friend(ly) basis, but not exactly "friends". I'm either stubborn or just really picky. But I have all I want with him except he doesn't invite me out... I always feel like I'm almost there... so I don't want to quit.

 

I would go on dealing with it... but I feel like there's some way we can compromise and I just haven't said it right or at the right time yet.

[Hope75]

But I have all I want with him except he doesn't invite me out... I always feel like I'm almost there... so I don't want to quit.

 

What do you feel like you can do to change this?

[xmrth]

I feel like I can change it, if I have good enough examples to show him... such as people close to us. I have tried with his sister-- she is always mixing her boyfriend with her friends. But he says "that's because she is really really social, and I'm not". I honestly don't know anymore how social he is. In high school, he wasn't talkative, but would talk to his friends, and mostly when spoken to. He's definitely a guy who looks like he's talkative and outgoing, but isn't so much. But I have NO idea how he is now. He still seems like a quiet guy, but one who says the right "talkative guy" things when he speaks.

 

I try to act like I know his friends invite their girlfriends out, and make it out to be like the most ridiculous thing for him not to do the same because it's all I know how to do when I say it...

 

I feel like these sort of things will lead up to him realizing for himself, but what would really do it is if I could somehow get to know his friends... but it's impossible. I get excited when his friends see him with me because then we talk and I wonder if that will make him used to it... but unfortunately, it's been a long long time since that has happened, and only people we went to high school with are ever the ones we run in to.

 

I feel things like that would work... but so far all I can seem to do is ask and ask and confront and it isn't getting anywhere, but he hesitates and thinks for a minute, like he is realizing what I'm saying, but it's still no. And I know what that means when he does that... but it's like I'm just not there yet.

[melrich]

Have you ever thought about showing him this thread?

[xmrth]

I think about doing that a lot, actually... but I have shown him an online (though "friends only" filtered) journal entry of something he upset me about some several years back (nothing I can even so much as remember what it was) and it really upset him I put it on there...

 

I get a little paranoid, too that he'd seek advice on something with me, but go to the WRONG place, or ask the WRONG person because he got the idea from me, and it would be my fault.

I'm almost willing to take the chance, though.

 

I'm curious if there's been times people on here have shown their SO a post? I might even post a topic about it and ask... it would make me feel better before showing him knowing the outcome, but I'd still be thinking about it. I think I'd listen and be touched if he did it for me... hopefully it will work out that way if I were to show him. If I do, it will be after his friend leaves because I have NO real time to show him and have an effect before then. But he's not here for much longer anyways... and another one's coming in a month, so whatever he feels about it would be in time for that.

[melrich]

Yes i could definitely understand that he could get upset but it might not be a bad idea (maybe posting to ask the members if they have ever done it is a good idea too).

 

I think if you put it into context for him (it's anonymous, it's supportive) before showing him would be best.

 

I just think it may do a couple of things. First it might help show him how much this is bothering you and second it might let him know what "strangers" think of the way your relationship is currently "arranged".

 

If you decide it might be a good option let us know as it may be wise for a moderator to "tidy up" the post a bit. You may also want to give some thought to previous posts you have made here. If you show him this he may go looking for other posts.

[xmrth]

I would let it be known I would like him to look, and maybe have the topic locked so it can stay that way. I don't think he'd look for more on his own as he doesn't use the computer, but he definitely could. I'd be prepared for it... I'd let him know I've asked advice on other things too but how this is such a problem and how many posts I've made on it.

 

I'll have to see; I have one more week to think it over and make a post seeing what other members did where they showed their posts. I wanted to show him where I'd have his full attention when his friend goes back.

[melrich]

Ok. That is a good idea. Have a think about whether it is the right thing to do and let us know.

 

Maybe some other members who have been following your story will have some input too.

[xmrth]

Okay, I'll give enough time beforehand. Next Thursday would be the latest.

I'd like to make a post still about showing a SO, too. I think I'll wait until tomorrow when there's more people online to see the post so I can get the most input. There's still lots of people online now, but I see more in the late noon hours I think, unless I'm wrong and there's better times.

I really have to think about it more after that, though. But I think it's a great idea to show him, so we'll see how I end up feeling about it after thinking some more.

[melrich]

OK let us know. In the meantime you might get some opinions on the idea here.

[xmrth]

Right now I feel like a mess. I'm finding it's positive there's that party Friday and he probably knows already by now, or not yet. But he told me he didn't want to go (it was supposed to be sooner) ... and sometimes he is so hard to get in touch with. It's all people I know from HS which ended almost 3 years ago.... but I honestly wonder if they'll bring up my faults from HS if my boyfriend goes. Otherwise, I wouldn't care so much. Some people are like that... some of them are nice, though, but some would even lie or whatever just for the sake of bringing it up. I'm just really upset because plans were made for a BAR, not for a party.. so I feel like he should see me, as well as because he told me he didn't want to go to that party. I wish I called back last night .... I don't know what to do but I'm really really shaken up just thinking about it.

It's like I either have to be there or he shouldn't go. It's like all the people we went to HS with, but who neither of us were ever good friends with, especially him. I was always on good terms with two of the guys, but one I'm not so sure of and don't know if he's going to try and mess things up. Is this just crazy thoughts? Am I the only one who this could happen to?

 

^here's for asking about showing posts.

[Pixiemeat]

Ok, so there's another party. One that YOU have been invited to. You've been invited why not go? If he doesn't want to go with you, so what?

 

Sorry to say this, but I don't see this relationship going anywhere and think you'd be best rid of him. You won't, because love is blind, but I really hope you see how bad this relationship is for you before it's too late.

[xmrth]

I haven't been invited at all-- he didn't know about it when I talked to him. I just stumbled upon it while looking at his friend's my space. Considering it's people we went to HS with, he may invite me, but I have no idea. It looks more like a guys night than anything else, but in any case, he told me he wouldn't go as it was supposed to be sooner than this. I still haven't told him I know about it, but he'll know from after I talked to him last night, or tonight from his friend.

[xmrth]

I can't post a new topic so soon, but I'm curious:

 

Does anyone ever experience that faults and stupid things in the past years NEVER go away? I just feel like stupid past faults of mine will be brought up to him, or exaggerations.

 

[edit] I got in touch with him over what I read on MS... and he got aggravated, like WHY am I looking at that still? I told him it drove me crazy, not knowing if I should say anything or WHAT I should do... he just said "My friend is back from Iraq; I haven't seen him in 8 months, and he's going right back. He wants to hang out with me, and I'm going to hang out with him. I had no idea there was any party, and I just think it's funny from the stupid internet you know more about my friends than me. If we're going there, I'm not hanging around; it will just be a stop by" and he expressed how he doesn't care for those people, either... I just feel so stupid. A couple of months ago I'd be freaking out, thinking he hated me or thought I'd lost my mind, but I think he just is aggravated... and will drop it. I told him "it's no secret-- no surprise.. no secret that I look at that site" and I've showed it to him. He's like "you have their profiles SAVED" (in memories... so I can get back to them easy because curiosity drives me crazy) He's like "is that all you do all day, is sit on the stupid internet looking at that?" ...

 

So, I don't know. Maybe he really just thinks I'm crazy. I said I'm sorry, I love you... I asked if he'd call me later about tonight, (stopping by in place of Friday) and he said "yeah" like in an obvious tone like he is... I have a feeling inside like he won't let this down, but I feel SO MUCH better knowing now. There's hours and hours and hours and hours until Friday night is over, and now I know. And it's only thursday morning... but I won't say it was worth it.

 

[edit again]

I think this answers my question that he probably wouldn't be too happy I put these things on the internet... I'm probably not going to, but maybe the right time will come some other time.

[Hope75]

What sort of faults?

 

What do you mean?

 

Do you really think people are going to bring up past faults about you to him at this party?

 

If there is such a party, mixed gender and with people you know, what are the implications if he does NOT invite you? (considering he has no valid reason not to?)

 

Also, when he says his sister is social and he is not, that's a load of bull. Being social is hanging out with other people and enjoying it. He does that with his friends and at parties all the time. You are just not included.

[xmrth]

Sorry-- I just updated that post while you must have been typing. It answers the 4th line.

 

I really don't know what he meant with his sister... I think he meant like how she can include everyone but he doesn't feel like he can really include me at the same level as his buddies and pay attention. Also, he could mean most likely how it was I think the very first time he brought me out. He was such a quiet guy, and didn't say anything to his friends, and I was so bored and wanted to leave... that's how that all started. I really don't know, though.

[Hope75]

I just feel so stupid.... I said I'm sorry, I love you...

 

This is what I worry about . Every situation in which you are upset or have a valid concern ends with him rebuffing you like a child and you feeling apologetic and stupid. Than you question yourself and begin to think that the reasons you were upset were not valid.

 

Your boyfriend is not GOD.... your opinions count too. Your feelings count too. This relationship is supposed to be 50/50, but the more I read of it the more I see it like you are the submissive child, always looking for approval from him, and he is the reprimanding and condescending adult, lecturing you and disapproving of you. It's not a healthy balance. Do you see this too?

 

He's quick to judge and attack you, but does he ever stop to think WHY you are checking his friends' website? Because you are feeling so left out of the loop of his life? Because you don't trust him? Because he leaves you out and you wonder if he's lying so he doesn't have to include you?

 

Those are some pretty big issues that you guys haven't really addressed. Since they keep coming up, I wonder how long he will act annoyed with you and brush them off before something in one of you clicks and you say to one another, "hey, this isn't working... what can WE do to fix it?"

[xmrth]

I'm not really like that, but I don't think I handle it the best way. I probably end up just seeming stubborn rather than serious.

I just felt SO stupid that I didn't know what else to say. I felt like he officially thought I was a loser, and I just said sorry... and that I loved him so I could hear it back at least to know everything was still okay.

 

I feel like I made the situation worse, though. I don't think he was even invited to go and now he'll ask about it and will go. He had plans to be with HIM on Friday, so I suppose he would have asked him what was going on for Friday anyways... and then find out for himself.

 

I think he thinks I don't trust him and that's why I look at it, or that I have "no life." I check it because of everything: I feel left out, and I'm curious... wanting to see what's up. All of that... I don't think he thinks I look at it for any reason that actually is, unfortunately..

 

I guess if I didn't ask him, I'd be thinking up even more crazy scenarios... but I think it would have been best if I didn't look. But if I didn't look, I'd probably be pestering him more about the fact he can't see me Friday. I don't know if I made a big mistake, or what... I can only say I feel better knowing and having finally told him, but I wonder if being quiet was better...

 

I HATE blaming myself... I can't handle it. I don't want everything to be all my fault

[annie24]

How are the therapy sessions going?

[xmrth]

I must sound crazy!

I won't be going back until another couple of weeks when the semester starts.

 

I was thinking about what I could say to him... because I feel like there's something I just haven't said yet.

I was thinking about his own friends. I was thinking, well he MUST introduce a friend of his to his other friends they may not know yet... and how I know his friends invite him out, and it's like he can't just automatically know everyone, and needs to be introduced.

So why am I different? Especially since I know his friends already-- from years and years ago. So why can he bring friends out with other friends, but not me? Aren't I a friend, or something like that?

[RayKay]

So why am I different? Especially since I know his friends already-- from years and years ago. So why can he bring friends out with other friends, but not me? Aren't I a friend, or something like that?

 

Bingo!

 

Trust me, you are not sounding crazy at all, I think you are hitting JUST on what many of us are thinking!

 

I know I certainly am best friends with my partner, but I feel your boyfriend does not see you in that same way, I don't know. I don't have the answers, but I think you are getting there and on the path now to seeing things more clearly, maybe more from an outsiders view.

[Hope75]

I just felt SO stupid that I didn't know what else to say. I felt like he officially thought I was a loser, and I just said sorry... and that I loved him so I could hear it back at least to know everything was still okay.

Oh Hon,

 

See what I mean? Desperately trying to seek his approval and apologizing for having a valid concern that he just blows off as you being 'stupid' or 'having no life'. It really looks like you are afraid to 'rock the boat' because you are so insecure in the relationship that you think he will leave if everything does not go his way. Do you feel that way?

 

I feel really sad for you.

 

He does have a point that I really think you need to work hard at developing interests outside the relationship, but I've told you that before. When you count on him for so much and are always available, it's no wonder he takes you for granted and sees you when HE feels like it, and knows that you will ALWAYS be there.

 

BUT... that does no invalidate your feelings or concerns... he just blows them off!

 

Every time you step up and speak for yourself, and then get rebuffed and chastized by him, you cower back down with apologies and placate him by telling him you love him.... needing to hear it back and make sure you are still acceptable.

 

I wish you could see your own worth is just as important as his, and that you are NOT a half of a couple, but a WHOLE person who deserves equal consideration in this partnership. It's more like a dictatorship with him in charge.

 

With your anxiety level what it is I really am concerned for your health.

 

No one should feel this unhappy in their relationship.

[xmrth]

I try to do things outside of him, but if he was around more rather than on weekends, it would make the biggest difference... because on weekends, I just can't let him go unless I've got such great plans that I wouldn't be miserable doing and that would be definite. But it's too hard for me to break away. I used to not care and do other things because he was around so much, but now he's only been around on the weekends for maybe 2 years now, or 2.5 for the most part...

I feel like I have a million other things to fix before I can even do anything for this. I'm building up my social network, and am having much more to do on weekdays, so I hope that will go into the weekends... but right now it's like he doesn't care... nothing phases him. If I were to be too busy for a weekend, then the next be too busy and only around one day, then back to either one day available the next week and then no days the week after, I think it would change things around so much.

 

I am a really anxious person, but I know I have improved so much already. I don't know if I should see a therapist who specializes in anxiety, or keep seeing this therapist at my college... I don't know if this is something anyone can help me with. My therapist sometimes said "I'd dump him!" but she'd say she's joking, but I really have to think about it. And we'd talk about what I can do since I don't want to leave. I guess I'm afraid of wasting time and money on a therapist who would advise I just leave him and not help with me being able to do things without him. Plus I feel like I'd be in the WRONG place if I brought these anxieties to an anxiety therapist...

Isn't that like separation anxiety, or is that something WAY different, like for kids who go crazy anxious without their parents? I'm not crazy anxious without him, but when his friends are home, and things are like this, I am a little intense...