Needing more advice-- situation wth boyfriend and friends on New Years Eve

[Vanilla]

thanks raykay, you as well!

[melrich]

Yes Vanilla, great post and definitely an attitude more people should adopt.

 

Xmirth, I guess I only from time to time drop in on your posts and I don't remotely pretend to know all that goes on in your relationship. But like the others I find your relationship unusual, as much for the way your b/f seems to act as for the fact that you seem so accepting of it, almost like you think that his behaviour is not that unusual.

 

I totally agree with Vanilla. You need to put your foot down (yes at the risk of potentially losing this relationship) because I cannot believe that you are going to be happy with things as they are for the rest of your life and to date I haven't seen anything that suggests he is changing his behaviour to include you more in his life.

[xmrth]

I just don't know what to do about him, though. I feel like I've ruined my chance of putting my foot down where nothing matters and it just makes the situations worse... I feel like the answers I'm getting from doing it aren't clear, like I'm not accomplishing anything.

 

I just feel absolutely terrible. I feel like he cares about me, like he has no plans doing away with me, but then I feel like he just plain does not care.

It's like he'll go on with getting annoyed by me, but he can let it go and just forget about it... so I know he wants to stay, not just from that but little things where he'll just put up with me. He just keeps putting up with me and I consider it "putting up" as he gets so annoyed by me trying to put my foot down on things.

But then so why does he not invite me, and why is everything so separate?

 

I'm really upset because he's going out Friday night with the last friend back on leave as he'll be going straight to Iraq when he goes back in another week. I'm fine with him going out like that... but he'll be going to a bar. I'm just hurt I can't go-- I'm not 21 anyways... but it hurts so much because even if I was, I wonder if I could still go? And no, neither of us are on MySpace, but I can't help but look up his friends and see these comments left by girls about how it was fun seeing them (them, as in, the friends), and it's nights my boyfriend has seen the friends-- however since he's stayed with me, he probably missed them anyways... but still. I wonder who will go with them out to the bars as I'm left home by myself?

My friends are all in relationships... no single girl-friends to be with on a friday night, nor ones who wouldn't rather spend time with their boyfriends, which I understand.

 

I don't want to lose him at all, I still feel like there's so much more I could do to have things to go my way more. Some things slowly by surely have, and I just don't want to stop trying or be too aggressive with what I really feel for because I don't want to ruin anything.

 

I feel like last week I HAD him right where I wanted him, where this post started as he called me up the next night seeming odd like he knew he was wrong, and probably wondering why I hadn't called him right back like I normally would... or have called at all the night he called back.

I feel like I don't want to stay mad at him or hold things against him because ever since I stopped doing that, we never fight.

But if I speak up, it starts one like we've been fighting all along... so I am afraid to say anything.

 

 

Ever since the past couple of years, he is always with me on the weekends... he can see his friends casually during the week but never really does because of school... I have taken away all the times he can go out and let loose and have fun with his friends. I wonder if that's why he values alone time with his friends so much? He has said he just wants to hang out with his friends and not have to worry about me or entertain me... so I don't know. I would rather be with him, but I admit, I wouldn't want him to only want to be with me and not with his friends. I'm still really bothered by him wanting to see his friends when they're back, and the RARE times he goes out on weekends... it's been months. On friday and Saturday nights, he stays with me from 5/7:00 to well after midnight... and that's when people ask him to hang out but he's always with me...

So I don't know at all. I feel like we're both right and wrong, but I feel he's more wrong than me by a lot just because I'm never invited. I don't WANT to always be there with him and his friends, but I'd like to always automatically be invited if it's not strictly a guy's night.

[melrich]

He just keeps putting up with me and I consider it "putting up" as he gets so annoyed by me trying to put my foot down on things.

 

Well is that really what you want in life...someone to put up with you? I don't ask that as a rhetorical question, some people are indeed happy to settle for that.

 

Xmirth there is little doubt in my mind that you have this relationship on one level and your b/f has it on a whole different level.

 

I think you are scared blind about being a single person (all this stuff about others being in relationships and thereforeeee they would not want to hang out with you, I've never heard of such a group of people) and this fear you have is clouding your judgement when it comes to this relationship.

 

You are setting the bar way too low in my opinion. It's not to late to put your foot down. It's not too late to ask that he treat you with some respect and acknowledge the 6 years you have been together. But to do so you have to be prepared to accept that putting your foot down may finish the relationship.

 

If it were me, easy decision. I would not want to be in this sort of relationship. But I understand that it is not easy for you, especially after 6 years.

[Mun]

You know what? If he loves you, he will regain his respect for you when you Do put your foot down. You have to believe that.

 

If he breaks up with you because you stick up for yourself then it wasn't real love...it was convinience. You don't want that kind of relationship....one that only works for him--do you? You matter honey...you have a say in this relationship just like he does.

 

Believe in yourself

[Hope75]

Xmrth

 

From what you wrote it really seems as though you aren't as happy in this relationship as you think you are. I think you are extremely insecure within yourself and with him and that's alot of the reason why you don't put your foot down and stand up for yourself, you are afraid to lose him... afraid you aren't good enough to be included and treated right.

 

Is this really the way you want to be treated?

 

Why don't you think you deserve a say in this relationship?

 

It seems that everything he says goes.... no matter how much you speak up, the minute he says "no", that's it, you cave to avoid confrontation.

 

Your comment on how, "we never fight anymore since I stopped speaking up... I never say anything.." really breaks my heart.

 

Girl, your opinion matters, and a relationship should be equal, your feelings are just as important as his are.

 

Do you think a healthy relationship includes keeping everything that might upset your boyfriend to yourself? Bottling up all those feelings to please him?

 

Who is watching out for you?

[Mun]

I don't want to scare you, but a guy in a committed relationship should not be going out to places where singles meet with his single friends. Why ? How long do you think it would take him to meet a girl out there? ( that's usually where men cheat on their gf) When a guy does this, it's a big red flag....especially because you are not invited along ---so pay attention to that.

 

Sure a night out with the boys is cool, if they are going to a sports event or someone's house to play card games and hang out.

 

It's a shame more men did not respond to this topic. Maybe they could give a little insight as to whether they think your bf sees a future with you or not.

[xmrth]

His friends are single for the most part, and always have been throughout these years... that's something I have thought about, but I try not to. I haven't seen it really make a difference... one of his friends has several girlfriends at one time in different states and he just thinks it's funny and stupid.. the other one I was pretty sure had a girlfriend. Some of his other friends have girlfriends, but there are I think more that don't..

[melrich]

Xmrth, it really does not matter if his friends are single, married, gay or whatever. It really should not matter. I have never been involved with any group of people where the single hang out only with the singles and the couples hang out only with other couples.

 

I can only say I have to agree with Mun and Hope. Something here is not right and you should (because we know it bothers you because you post about it) do something to try and fix it.

[Hope75]

I have never been involved with any group of people where the single hang out only with the singles and the couples hang out only with other couples.

 

I was going to say the same thing.

 

I live with my bf, and my best friend has been single for the last 5 years. I would never see her if I segregated my single friends from the couples. There are a few occasions here and there where my bf and I may go on a date with another couple, but for the most past it's a mixed clan of singletons and couples, and some people who are in a relationship, but minus the sig. other...

 

Your bf is so adamant about keeping you separate.

 

What do you think is the real reason?

 

How can you let him know how much it hurts you, and have him really hear you this time?

[xmrth]

Well, there's tomorrow until there's Friday, and this last friend who is back I know from high school, but not well; I just know him, though and have talked to him. They are both 21 and he wants to go to a bar... but he said they are definitely Saturday, but I am pretty sure from when I snooped on his friends MS profile, that a comment was left about alternative plans for Friday. But who really knows...

I talked to my boyfriend and asked him as he told me they'd probably be going to a bar... then we talked, and we were done on the phone.

I decided to call back and ask him "if you're not going to a bar Friday, can I come along, too?" and he said "I'm pretty sure we're going to a bar" (and I'm only 20) so I said "okay, but if you're NOT going, can I come along to hang out, too?" and he kept saying "I'm almost positive we're going to a bar!" And I said "well I'm saying, if you're not, can I come along?" and he said "I'm positive! Well, I'm 80% sure but pretty positive we're going to a bar!" and I'm like "I know, but if you're NOT can I COME?" and he was like "I don't know what I'm doing, I'll call you Friday!"

 

So I just don't know. It's like he hesitates but in the end, it's plain "no."

 

It's not even like he LIKES the people the possible alternative plans are, but I know them as well and don't mind them... he doesn't know I saw this on the MS, though. I didn't want to tell him, and I just suggested it. I just saw a comment left by this friend and it asks if "the party is still on for the 6th" which is Friday!.. . .... maybe my boyfriend doesn't know about it?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this when I can only talk to him over the phone about it. I don't know what to do with myself to stop from feeling like I'm going to be sick.

[Hope75]

Oh Xmrth,

 

((HUGS))

 

You have so much anxiety over this relationship, it's not good for your health!

 

The same theme comes up again and again. Notice that?

 

He wasn't even willing to consider the possibility of you coming along if they weren't going to a bar. If I had posed that question to my bf, his answer would be, "sure, if we aren't going, you are welcome to come along."

 

Why do you think he keeps you so separate from his friends?

 

Does it make you wonder what the friends think? What he must say? Do you think he's living a separate life with them, like a single guy?

 

All I have to say is if it were me, six years or not, I would have had enough of being segragated. You've been with him since you were 14 years old.

 

Do you think there's a chance that you both have outgrown this relationship?

[xmrth]

I don't think we've outgrown it from everything else we have together...

 

I don't know what he must be like out with his friends without me. This friend in particular apparently broke up with his girlfriend after she did something bad, which I noticed off the MS when I was snooping around... and he's upset about it and my boyfriend has made plans with him for this coming weekend since "2 weeks ago" as he states.

 

I just don't know what to do if Friday he doesn't take me. These people at this supposed "party" I know fairly well and run into from time to time, one of the guys knows me and my boyfriend are still together as we had a quick chat when I ran into him, and so what will this look like if I'm not there...?

I mean, forget for a minute that he doesn't invite me out-- some times a boyfriend doesn't bring their girlfriend to things like that, right? So maybe it won't look THAT odd? I don't know. But then they could start asking him why and who knows it could turn bad. I don't know how but it could...

 

I don't know what to do... wait until tomorrow night to talk to him about it, or call back once again later tonight... he got pretty aggravated that last time and I don't want him to stop listening to what I'm really saying.

 

I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. I don't want to even be awake for this weekend because I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. Nothing makes it better, and though if I explained this to my friends I'm sure they'd help me out, but I wouldn't feel even a little bit better, I don't think... I don't want to deal with this but I don't want to end anything.

[Mun]

I have 3 questions.

 

Do you honestly feel like you're special to him ?

 

Does he ever put you first, before his friends or family ? Example: Does he ever change his plans with them just to make you happy ?

[xmrth]

He has a lot of times, but it's just different when his friends come home from fighting over in Iraq, which I understand, but I don't know why I can never come... he changed plans with them on New Years to be with me, but still I wasn't invited out.. I feel like I'm special to him, and I feel like I shouldn't take it personally that I'm never invited, but I still take it personally... so I do feel special and he does change plans very often to be with me, but it's being with me OVER being with his friends, instead of incorporating the two..

 

I don't know if I should leave him alone tonight and talk to him again tomorrow about it, or try again tonight .. this gets me so impatient... I want to know..

[Mun]

You're gonna be better off when these bunch of guys get married or move away...but if they're your bf's age.. it's gonna be awhile still. The strange thing is if they bring their gf along...then it's just YOU that is excluded...am I right about that?

[xmrth]

Well, the one who he's going with Friday had a girlfriend but just broke up with her from what my boyfriend told me, and from what I saw on the MS as now they're single. With his other friends who aren't just back on leave, they do a lot of separate things from their girlfriends, but I know they don't not include them as my boyfriend does not include me. He tells me they don't take them out with their friends, but I just know they must some of the time just from a hunch. It may just not be with HIM.

 

What we were talking about before with how New Years was -supposed- to have been with him hanging out with a bunch of them, I asked if his friend brought his girlfriend and he said something like "so what if he does?" I don't know, but he really doesn't like hanging with other couples... I have known that for a while that it's not something he's interested in.. so I don't know how well that all ties together. Especially now where I know these people at this supposed party come Friday 100 times better than he does! ... I don't mind if I don't go as I know them and it's nobody I haven't met before, but still... I don't know if this particular battle is worth fighting for, or if I should start talking to him about this for the other crowd-- his more immediate friends.

[Hope75]

I mean, forget for a minute that he doesn't invite me out-- some times a boyfriend doesn't bring their girlfriend to things like that, right? So maybe it won't look THAT odd? I don't know. But then they could start asking him why and who knows it could turn bad. I don't know how but it could...

 

It's really hard to put it in the context of an isolated occasion when it's ALWAYS this way.

 

You mention that he will choose you over his friends at time, but do you ever wonder where he got the idea tht he had to choose between you, and that he couldn't have both, all together?

 

Surely his friends must wonder sometimes why you are NEVER included... I wonder if they question to themselves how important you really are to him. I know I would wonder if it were my boyfriend.

Nothing makes it better, and though if I explained this to my friends I'm sure they'd help me out, but I wouldn't feel even a little bit better, I don't think... I don't want to deal with this but I don't want to end anything.

 

See, here's where I get confused. You obviously aren't doing well just accepting things as they are (and I would not either), so are you planning on just settling for ALWAYS being excluded, or do you want that to change?

 

The other question is, how many times have you asked for it to change and been brushed off, ignored, or angrily rebuffed?

 

So then, if he shows you once more that he doesn't want to incoorperate you with his other friends, than what? Do you go back into your hole and say nothing and be silently miserable?

 

Do you ever wonder what's out there for you besides him? A life without him?

 

Kinda hard to live with yourself when you make someone else your whole life... particularly when that someone else sees you as only part of his life....and has his own, other life away from you.

[melrich]

Xmrth, like Mun I have a question for you.

 

Let's say you stay with your b/f for the rest of your life. Are you going to be Ok that he never takes you anywhere with his friends?

[xmrth]

To be honest, I don't see him as being the type of person to leave me as a wife, if it's the rest of my life, without including me. I just find that completely different as we'd be living together and if nobody ever comes to our home, he himself will seem like a bad friend for never having anyone over. So he would be doing it to himself if he were to ever not include me. If we lived together, I'd find that to be what would start him to include me as he'd be getting more used to it.

 

To be honest, I don't know what to do if he doesn't include me on Friday... I am so afraid of not knowing what to do with myself and just going crazy. Last week I was so mad that I didn't care! Now I'm just so upset that I'm losing it almost...

I almost want to give up on Friday, but I know I probably wont..

[melrich]

I don't see him as being the type of person to leave me as a wife, if it's the rest of my life, without including me.

 

OK, that's interesting. So would you be able to describe the type of person who would marry someone but not include them in their social life?

 

What sort of behaviour would that type of person exhibit before getting married?

[RayKay]

xmrth,

 

The thing that I think most people are trying to somehow convey....is that things WON'T change. He will just have MORE of a reason to go out then, to his buddy's house and NOT bring you along, or to the bar, or a party, and NOT bring you along.

 

He is being a "bad friend" to you right now, and somehow I don't think he would view not having his friends over and going to see them instead as being a bad friend to them. I get the impression he would be pretty determined to keep things as they are now, and the sad thing is, I think you would accept that too, and tell yourself again, it's normal. He presents to me very MUCH like someone whom would not include you in his social life when married. If he won't do it now, why would that change sweetie?

 

Many of us posting here have lived with our partners, or are married, and while some things change, these elemental things about how you treat one another, and how you choose to incorporate your lives, DON'T change.

 

And one other thing...do you HONESTLY believe he will get married to you one day? Do you believe he truly WANTS that?

[Hope75]

Xmrth,

 

I have a friend who has lived with her bf for 10 years. She is NEVER included in his activities with "friends". Many nights he does not even come home. Later, he tells her that he was tired and crashed at a friend's house... or stayed late at work. I should add that last year I caught him red handed with another woman. I told her, she did nothing. He lied to her and she chose to believe him.

 

10 years... and she still accepts it. I asked her why she accepts it and why she doesn't leave.

 

Her answer?

 

"Because I'm basically alone already.. so what's the difference?"

 

Doesn't that just break your heart?

 

Trust me when I say if he's like this now, there is no foreseeable end, including if and when he decides to move in with you.

[OceanEyes]

I think you'll figure things out for yourself when the time is right. You obviously don't see yourself leaving, so what would be the point of me trying to convince you to.

 

Just keep in mind, that these days of your life should be some of the best. You're 20 years old! Some of my best memories are from about 19-23. I'm serious! Just remember that, when you get older, you might regret wasting your time. I have a lot of regrets myself, but one of them is NOT that I didn't have enough fun in my late teens/ early 20s. These are some very special and happy years hun, you might want to think about avoiding wasting yours with a guy who seems to be going in a different direction. Nobody is saying that he doesn't love or care about you, but he's obviously at an age (your age, I'm assuming) that he wants to get the most out of what's left of his young, carefree years.

[xmrth]

I feel so lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I keep trying to go with it thinking that some direction will come, but I don't know.

 

I admit I'm afraid though of being with anyone else. It's not like he's my first boyfriend, and we've broken up before for whiles at a time. I know it's not much, and even though I consider the outside, I really don't want the outside of us.

I don't like the things I hear in other people's relationships. I can't deal with other guys and the things that come with them. I feel like there's so much with him that he has adjusted and kept a certain way just for me over all these years and I can completely tolerate it. But then there's just THIS. I wonder if it's just the price I pay for him to be and to have stayed all that he is for me.

 

We talk about other couples we know and the crazy things they are dealing with, and I like that we stand together and can talk about things like that, like he and I both know we're lucky to have what we have with each other.

I don't even think I know how to say anything.. I just feel like a wreck. This supposed party he doesn't even know about yet, but I wonder if he does. It honestly looks like it's all guys, anyway. I saw no females talking about it in their MS comments at all...

 

I don't know but I bet I sound crazy. I really do appreciate everyone who comments and talks to me about my situation and I know I never stand up with a lot of advice I've gotten, but it has guided me in a direction that I wasn't going in to begin with. So many little things have changed with me over time being on here and learning more of relationships.. this is really hard for me, though.