Needing more advice-- situation wth boyfriend and friends on New Years Eve

[xmrth]

I wasn't going to call him, but he ended up calling me instead. I didn't mention it at all as he told me he was coming over today (Friday). I didn't mention it so we could really be able to talk about it today because the phone is way too hard. I don't want to even talk 'about' it with him. I'm going to ask him, "so what time are we going there?" and make it sound like he said yes. He SHOULD have anyway.

[kellbell]

Hey there girl!

 

IMO, I would not see him today. I would make other plans. Seriously. I would talk about your relationship after the New Year and once his friends leave. For the time being, I would try to go out with friends and have a good time. Let him squirm for a few days, he can use a dose of his own medicine. I am not saying to be mean but just put yourself first for once and worry about taking care of you and what you want to do.

[Vanilla]

sounds like he is so used to you being there regardless what he does.

 

i told my long term boyfriend last night if things dont change between us i couldnt do this anymore and he was in shock. because i was always the one almost begging, desperate to always be with him...and mostly, like you- so scared that if I was firm, that I'd lose him...my stupid fear of losing him...to my surprise he was extremely nurturing, apologetic and understanding, also supportive. Very sensitive. We'll see...but I had to do it and maybe you should too!

 

but there comes a time when we gotta figure out how much we are worht and that they would be nothing without us. Look at yourself, at all the things you do for him, all the times you have been there for him...

 

dont you deserve a little better? if you dont put your foot down you never will and you'll never progress with him, without him, or let alone as your own person

[xmrth]

That's exactly it-- I'm always around, never am I too busy with something other than him. Well there ARE things, but I'm talking about in my free time.

 

I'm just really afraid of him not inviting me out... and I am anxious today. I will be anxious all day long tomorrow... I'm going to make myself sick. I still am not changing how I feel, but I am just anxious about the whole thing... There's only so much I can try to not think about.

[ocrob]

It sounds to me that your boyfriend needs a reality check. He obviously takes you for granted. I have done things in the past and did not even realize that I was being a jerk. He is taking you for granted and expects you to be there for him. I guarantee that once he sees you are not there for him, he will beg like a puppy. I am not saying to play games, but you do need to show him that you are not someone to be walked over. Show him that you are an independent woman and don't need him. Blow him off for a while and make plans and pretend you don't have a boyfriend for a few days. Once this guy sees you are not sitting around waiting for him, he will show you a lot of attention. If not, then you need to kick him to the curb. I suggest not having deep and long conversations about how you are feeling, but instead show him with actions. Just be too busy for him.

[Mun]

You need to stop being afraid to lose him. As long as you are, the situation is not going to change and he is going to keep taking you for granted. I believe that any kind of argument/talk with him now is going to feel like nagging to him and he is going to make it sounds like YOU'RE the one with the problem. You haven't gotten very far with this yet and you've been at this for like a week already.

 

Don't say anything, but DO something. Men are more influenced by what you DO than what you say anyway... try it

[Hope75]

I think I'm mostly afraid of him leaving me if I don't call... I can't say I have proof that would happen, but that's not what I want out of it.

Hey Girl,

 

Let me ask you something:

 

If your boyfriend would leave you over something so petty.... how much do you think he values this relationship?

 

Does it sound healthy to you?

 

If he leaves you because you stood up for yourself, doesn't that tell you that he takes you and this relationship for granted and that he doesn't see it as a problem and has no plans to change that?

 

Honey, if my boyfriend told me he'd be MISERABLE spending New Year's with me, that would be something that would really make me rethink the relationship.

 

He makes it sound as though there are only two options: see you alone, or be with his friends, when in truth he made it that way. There is no acceptable reason why he can't see all of you on New Year's and have a grand time.

 

New Year's is a time when we like to ring it in with everyone that we love and care about, and he should want to have you by his side along with his friends.

 

I think if you call him, you are yet again showing him that you will (again) cave to whatever he wants and allow yourself to take back seat... always.

 

He knows that you are afraid and he uses it to his advantage... because you may pout and complain, but in the end you always concede...

 

Just some things for you to think about...

[Mun]

Ya know I read some posts on here and I wonder if I've been too harsh at times. I mean, I broke up with this one guy because he didn't call me or take me out for Valentines, but went out on his own. ( He called me the following week to ask what I'd done for Vday) I felt like I was justified, he should have taken me out...we were dating... and then I read stories like yours and wonder if I'm too picky.

What do you think, am I ?

[xmrth]

He ended up coming over yesterday and we talked. He wasn't at all trying to say that he's right and that either meant that he realized he was wrong, or I don't even know.

But he will be staying with me until midnight, but I'm not invited to come out with him after that...

He just told me seriously that he doesn't want to have to pay all attention to me, and wants to pay all attention to his friends... I didn't know what to say to it, and I still don't. I've told him in the past, and most recently a couple of days ago that he doesn't need to keep his attention all on me... and was saying how do I know who's going to be there, and this one of his friends back on leave may not be there... but it doesn't make a difference... I just don't know.

 

With my own friends, I don't actually WANT him there with me and I know if my friends aren't interesting him, which they probably wouldn't interest him, he'd be quiet and I'd feel awekward... but if he really wanted to come out I would take him.

In his case, I've been quiet around his friends... but have told him numerous times I'm not going to be quiet! He has no proof that I won't be quiet like I was way back when, and need to be kept entertained like I did... I feel like I haven't yet said the right thing. I want to say his friend may bring his girlfriend, and so how will she be kept entertained? I don't know what to say about it to him...

 

I've never had that problem with him, Mun, but I understand where it relates to this. For any other special occaision he'd be seeing me, but as it's New Years and for every kind of relation to a person, friends, family, girlfriend/boyfriend, and the fact his friends are back on leave and going back to Iraq I think he just really wanted it to be separated... BUT he still doesn't bring me out with friends other than tonight. I'm just saying he always spends time with me on those special days, and is with me every Friday and Saturday night when everyone usually gets together with friends.

 

I'm not sure what to do next, but he was saying "if you had friends who you hadn't seen in a while and wanted to see them for New Years istead of me, I wouldn't care-- I'd let you go; it's fine with me." so I don't even know what action I could take... he's never held me back from doing anything or complained, but not so much because he doesn't care, but because he just understands... I'm afraid I'd do all these things apart from him and miss out on great times we could share and for it to not help at all...

[Hope75]

The reason it's never been an issue on the reverse side is that you don't really ever go out much on your own with your friends, and if there is a night that he is free, you ALWAYS wait for him and leave yourself available to him. (see why this is not a good idea?)

 

So I gather from what you said that in the past when you were out with his friends, you wanted more of his attention and he felt that you were needy and it took away from his friends. Would that be right? It's been so long since you were last out with them, can't he give you a chance to show that it might be different?

 

He's making a big stink about how he'd let you go on New Year's if you wanted to see your friends, but you aren't stopping him from going-- you just want to be included. He's making it into a black or white issue, when it really isn't. And this isn't just about New Year's, he NEVER includes you with his friends, EVER.

 

At this point if it were me, I'd be upset either way, if he stayed at home alone with me, or if he left me and went with his friends. He just doesn't have a good reason not to include you.

 

How happy are you in this relationship with all this stress and all this segregation, really?

[xmrth]

I guess I feel like it would make no difference as he says he doesn't care... The same with me asking him if he realizes he takes me for granted, and he says he doesn't.

For some reason I feel like it's hopeless because of those things.. as we only see eachother weekends because of schedules, it's like it would have to be weeks and weeks for me doing anything on our usual times to make a difference...

I am really happy with the relationship, except for this. When his friends come back and that's when he's out the most and I can't come as he just wants to spend time with them. I don't know what to do it feels like a losing battle.

[annie24]

I agree with what all the girls here are saying, including Vanilla. Maybe you need show him you're not going to take this anymore. You've gone back and forth trying to talk to him, and it's not working.

 

How about in 2006, you make more time for your female friends, and find some new ones too? Volunteer, join a club. When he calls you to ask you out, tell him you're busy. Trust me, it will probably shock him. It won't drive him away, it will bring him closer to you. If you have more of your own interests, he may feel like you're not relying on him as much, which is a very sexy attribute.

 

Because like you said, now, you always make time for him, so he takes you for granted because he always knows you're there. Well, don't be so available. get out there and do stuff. let him get your voicemail.

 

good luck

[Hope75]

How about in 2006, you make more time for your female friends, and find some new ones too? Volunteer, join a club. When he calls you to ask you out, tell him you're busy. Trust me, it will probably shock him. It won't drive him away, it will bring him closer to you. If you have more of your own interests, he may feel like you're not relying on him as much, which is a very sexy attribute.

 

Annie said it best. If you aren't as available to him he will begin to realize that time with you is a precious thing that he can't expect whenever he feels like it, and he will learn to include you more and want to be with you more, because he will need to wait in line the way you have.

 

Talking hasn't worked, because he just doesn't see it, and that's partly your fault because you allow him to get away with it and even make it easy for him by being available always.

 

Instead of harping on it when it does not work, try showing him by getting very busy and important with other things. Show him your time is a valued thing that he needs to work around to see you, instead of the other way around.

[xmrth]

He had "sort of" made plans with me tomorrow, but he wasn't 100% and I can tell... but in any case, I was thinking of doing something else with a friend of mine.

I don't know which would be the best way to go about it.

At first, I wanted to just call him up and let him know I wasn't sure if I was going to be around.

But just now I've thought of just going out with a friend and hopefully he'll call and I can say "ooh I'm doing this right now with one of my friends; I'll call you later" and just take my sweet time.

 

Even though he's around a lot tomorrow and whatnot, I don't feel a NEED to see him as I would have even a month ago...

I just don't know how to go about doing something else. I don't want him to do it back to me, even tough in a way I'm doing it back to him...

[Hope75]

He did not make official plans with you. Go ahead and call your friend and see what they are up to, and if they are free, make plans.

 

If and when he calls, let him know that you are hanging with your friend. If he balks, tell him that you two did not have definitive plans so you didn't want to be left with nothing to do. Tell him you will call him later, make it short and sweet, don't harp on it and make a big deal.

 

See how that works.

[Mun]

I don't like feeling like I'm forcing someone to do something they are not ready for, or don't really want.

 

I'm afraid that as much as we want to help you, as long as you don't think you deserve better treatment, nothing will change.

 

You're still young, maybe this is some kind of "lesson" you need to learn to have better relationships in the future.

 

Keep posting, if at least to get your feelings down and look back at them, sometimes that helps us to see things more clearly.

 

Good luck to ya.

[Vanilla]

sweetie, ive heard similar things with my boyfriend before. Infact Ive posted them here as well.

 

thats why it got to the point it got, where I had to put my foot down wether it wrecked our relationship or took it somewhere better. I had that same fear of losing him....but then i realized that I'd lose my own self, my own identity if I didnt stand up for myself.

 

after talking to my boyfriend and telling him things needed to change or I had to leave him, not m atter how much it hurt he's... really trying- one may never know how long it will last but he's trying and maybe your boyfriend would try too.

 

Im sure your boyfriend think sy ou'd never leave him, or that the thought doesnt even cross your head. But if you don't stop (and you're only 20!! so young like me!) you will waste the most amazing years of your life being unhappy clinging on to him,.

 

Thats how I put it. I am 20, i am very in love with my boyfriend, but I do not want to waste my youth crying, heartbroken, over someone I already know that if they dont change after this, they just wont change period. It is hard and it hurts, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices and take big steps.

[OceanEyes]

I had that same fear of losing him....but then i realized that I'd lose my own self, my own identity if I didnt stand up for myself.

 

This is really something to think about, xmrth. Vanilla really gives us something to think about with this statement.

 

You can sit around being afraid of pushing him away, at the same time compromising your own needs, or you can really lay it out on the line and say, "hey, I spend a lot of time analysing everything in this relationship, and feeling bad and generally unfulfilled -- am I not worth more?". That, nobody can tell you. Only your own opinion is going to matter when all is said and done. You are the person who will be wondering "what's wrong with ME? Why does he say/ do things like this?".

 

I've read quite a few of your posts here, and the same thought keeps re-appearing in my head: they are incompatible and need/ expect different things out of a relationship. Your boyfriend seems like the type of guy who wants to pick you up when he needs you, but then becomes very cold and self-serving when he doesn't. If you were the same type of person, things would work much better. But you're not! You're obviously a very kind and peaceful girl, you don't want to ruffle his feathers, but deep down you know that he's just not making you happy. It seems like you're always second-guessing yourself and your own needs, but shouldn't you be questioning his needs, and how they seem to take center stage?

 

I think that, in time, you'll see things more clearly. Before I met my current boyfriend, I always thought that I had issues with relationships - unrealistic expectations. But he changed that. Heck, ask any man or woman how many terrible experiences they've had with ex-boyfriends/ girlfriends, and how they finally met the right person and could finally relax and STOP FIGHTING for the treatment they needed. No relationship will ever be perfection, but always feeling 'left out in the cold' isn't a condition of a healthy or satsifying relationship. Letting go of old habits is tough - and I'm talking about relationship habits that are the hardest to let go of - but when you finally do, it's usually the most liberating feeling in the world. YOU'LL GET THERE!

[xmrth]

I feel like I've just made it more difficult for myself to change anything with us. I have tried talking with him about it so many times that if I really stand up and put my foot down then it will just aggravate him and he will stop listening. I feel like he doesn't believe anything I say is right because he is so sure of himself... I make him think he's right by it having gone on so long.

 

I am trying to do things as he would, even though it would be good for myself, too. Basically making plans outside of him... and I've done that for today and got so upset wishing I had made plans with him instead... I am keeping my plans but had ended up calling him to get no answer, which means he'll see it i've called and think to himself that once again I have to see him...

I felt like I didn't even want to do anything today with my friend, and I always do feel that way... until I just get there and I'm having a good time. We're doing a lot today and I'm happy I kept my plans. I hope he'll call to see I've gone ahead without him to do something... and I can hopefully keep that up and then move in with putting my foot down and seeming more believable .... I know that probably makes no sense because I don't know how to word it, but I feel like there's other steps that I need to take before I can really do anything about it... but I feel this step is good for us as well with me doing things without him. I'm just afraid I've reversed it by calling ...

[annie24]

Don't worry about the call. Just go out with your friend and have fun. Turn off your cell phone once you are with your friend. Make it a pact now with yourself to go out and do something, once or twice a week, just for you, or with you and a friend, and don't change plans! Not even for him.

 

I also think he acts this way because he feels like he "has" you and he knows you're not going anywhere. So, he feels like he can see you when he wants and will call you when he wants. Blah.

 

I really think that if you were the slightest bit busy and unavailable at times, that it would really catch him off guard and you'd get more attention from him. I really believe that.

 

At this point, I wouldn't bother trying to talk to him more about it, or "putting your foot down." Just go out, make other plans, and let him get your voicemail. Talking isn't working, so I think it's time you got yourself back.

[RayKay]

I agree with the others, I think you really need to stop blaming yourself for being "too needy" or having too "high expectations" and stop living in a "fear" or sorts of pushing him away, and you need to start looking at whether your needs ARE being fulfilled.

 

Ocean Eyes had a very good point, about her, and many others (myself included) having a history of relationships where it seemed like you were always fighting for the treatment you deserved, or feeling that you KNOW things were supposed to be better in some way. But you end up convincing yourself you are just expecting too much, that this is the way everyone is, that they are all you have.

 

Sweetie, you have been with this guy for so long, I am sure that you really don't believe in different, you have grown up with him, but you have lost yourself along the way in so many ways, maybe you have not even found that self yet. I think you really need to start living for yourself, start discovering whom you are and it is not just "half of a relationship".

 

It should not be THIS hard. Relationships are work, no doubt about it, but you should not be feeling as if you are shouting out your needs to him and he still does not hear. He is very much giving you a "it's his way and only his way" - he is really MAKING it an issue at this point. Do you wonder why so many people post saying it seems very odd? Because it is odd!

 

You should truly feel loved, trusted and as an equal in your relationship, and if you are not feeling that, it is time to take a look at whether this is true love, or you are staying out of familiarity and fear.

[kellbell]

I totally agree with ladies here. I can't add much else. I would continue to make plans with your friends and stick to them. You have completely lost yourself in this relationship and your BF hasn't. I am going to throw out a ton of questions for you to think long and hard about...

How is that fair? Why does he get so much power? What has he done to deserve you? Why is it ok for him to do what he wants and expect you to be fine with it? If you had a friend in this kind of relationship, that her BF told her that he would be miserable spending New Year's with her...what would you tell her? What if you had a daughter that had a boyfriend that treated her like this and said those kinds of things and came crying to you...what would you do, what would you say?

 

Maybe consider doing this and I have suggested this before....make a list of what you want out of partner....could be as long as you want it to...then think about your BF and how he fits into this list. It can very eye-opening and powerful...it sounds silly but when you think long and hard about it and see it on paper...I have done it before and I was like wow...what the heck am I doing??? Try it..see where it takes you...

 

I know you have been with this guy for a long time but I have a real problem with people who abuse their partners....a real problem and yes he is abusing you...emotionally and verbally...and he is neglecting you...the worst kind of abuse in my opinion. I know all of this is hard...but this is YOUR life. You are entiltled to be loved, cherished, nurtured, cared for, all those nice things. Take care and let us know how you are doing. (((hugs)))

[xmrth]

I feel I have what I want from a relationship with him, except the fact he doesn't include me entirely. This wasn't even a problem until a couple of years ago. I guess I feel like it can get better depending on what I do which would be good for me to do anyway... But i still blame myself for it, but not so much on him.

 

Like he's annoyed I'm always around for him; "you're never busy" and things like that. When I'm at his house I "never leave"and things like that.

I feel like there's more I can do before I want to think about other people or other relationships... like I feel there's more I can do.

 

He never called back yesterday anyways; he probably thought I was at home doing nothing. It probably makes no difference if I'm out or not because it would have to be a ridiculously fun thing for me to do something aside from being with him on our usual friday and saturday nights... not to mention I don't think there's anyone else to hang around with as that's couple time for them too...

I just feel there's more I can do for us I guess..

[Vanilla]

it sounds like he is not as into the relationship as it should be.

 

The mere fact that he tells you "you never leave" is letting you know he may be getting sick of you. That does not sound kind nor supportive from him.

 

6 years is a long time, and enough for him to know what he wants in and out of his life. The things you say about him seem to show little red flags.

 

Do you think he is happy with you? Do you think he still wants to stay in the relationship?

 

If he is your same age or in his early 20's and you two have been together for that long he may be wondering in his mind.

 

I dont know why you continue to blame yourself. It's almost as if you don't want to hear what outsiders may see. LIke you protect him. Its as if you want to hear "no xmrth, you are wrong, you should hold on to your boyfriend until the very end because he is worth it"...but that is just not how we see it.

 

I am not saying you should break up with him, but I am saying you need to get some courage and make a point and see whether he can change or not. How much do you value yourself? Forget about him for a moment and think about YOU.

 

I know how hard it is. I am your same age, long term relationship, i like to think of him as the love of my life- but reality is heck what do i know?

all I know is I love the guy I am with to bits , but as a young woman I need to learn now that if I don't set a standard in my life of what I deserve I never will later on and I will only attract men who will not value me.

[RayKay]

Fantastic post Vanilla, and many many men and women can both heed to take into consideration what you have advised.

 

That last sentence.....was something that was just bang on for EVERYONE to learn for themselves. I can already see you will do very well in your life, in terms of love, success, happiness and respect. Well done!