Needing more advice-- situation wth boyfriend and friends on New Years Eve

[xmrth]

-------deleted, but keep comments please

[OceanEyes]

I really don't see what the big deal is about you joining them for New Years. New years eve is a night for LOTS of people to get together and share in the celebration of welcoming in the new year. What's his problem?

 

The only issue I can see here, is that he may be worried that he'll have to entertain you for the entire night, or that you will scrutinize what he does (excessive drinking, acting like 'one of the boys', being disorderly, etc.). I have no idea whether or not you are actually like this. I just wanted to point out what might be a concern to him. Ask yourself honestly whether or not you really do that on a regular night.

 

Here's what I would do: call my girlfriends, plan to drink cosmopolitans all night, and have an amazing time. With OR without him. Don't let this ruin your New Years.

[xmrth]

I was thinking that, but I told him this time and times before, I won't hang all over you (don't anyway) I won't say anything stupid (don't around anyone else, but maybe he's found some things out of line, but nothing that I could see effecting this! General things and far in between! Like saying "oohh, he does this" or something really really stupid.. this may not be the case but it's all I can think of) and I won't be around only you... but he just paused and it still wasn't enough...

[Vanilla]

i find it very rude of him not to invite you to spend new yrs together. i mean what is he hiding?

 

its not like you are asking to go with them on a guys night out, you're talking about new yrs!

 

it sounds like your boyfriend is easily influenced by his friends..

 

how long have you two been together?

[kellbell]

I am with OceanEyes on this one. I am not sure what the big deal is. Maybe let him know that he doesn't have to worry about entertaining you and such. Ask him what the big deal is and if there is nothing to hide, then he should be able to tell you. Let him know how this makes you feel.

 

Have Plan B, make some plans with your girlfriends and make it girl's night together. Good luck with everything.

[Vanilla]

when my boyfriend was being an idiot about holidays together, i made plans to go to paris for new yrs....in the end it worked out and we ended up in miami visiting relatives (its not paris but oh well its family!)...but i was not going to let his stupid actions affect me. I had a great, even better plan B to fall on if he wanted to stay acting like a child, now iM not sure if I'd rather gone to paris, lol

[xmrth]

We've been together for 6 years.

I'm not feeling too bad about doing something else if it comes down to it... I don't even want to call him. I don't know what to do next. I am pretty calm and am prepared to let him go with his friends if it means that much to him, but we'll see where this goes... I hope they will tell him to just bring me with him. I certainly hope they haven't already and he's just disregarding it...

 

To be completely honest, I wouldn't care about letting him go there without me if he would actually invite me out, but he never ever ever ever does. Never as in never, but years ago he was fine with it... I just wasn't able to for a while and he seemed to have gotten used to doing things without me. That's my guess, anyway. But it's like that part of his life is behind this wall and I don't know what the other side of it is like in the least bit.

[RayKay]

Ugh, this sucks

 

I too don't understand why he is so opposed to you coming (but of course you already knew that!) whether there is one or two other people, or a busload of them. It's New Years, and people on New Years in my experience just celebrate, with partners and friends alike, together!

 

I find it odd that he would not want his girlfriend of SIX years, there. Which shows me there is something he is either hiding, or that he has some concerns about you being there. In itself that seems odd, because usually if you love your partner, you also like showing them off, and you enjoy being with them...they are girlfriends, but still friends, and you can still have a great time together! I mean, if you were making plans to go out to a party of sorts, would you not invite him along?

 

Did you ask him exactly what his issues with you being there would be?

 

I would make alternate plans at this point. Go do something else without him. And don't just TELL him you are, actually DO something else without him. Get out there, welcome in the New Year with people whom do want to celebrate it with you.

 

I don't know sweetie, but how many more years are you going to settle for this kind of "partnership"???? This has been going on way too long, and everytime something like this happens, you end up passing it off as another "nothing big"...but they add up honey. My boyfriend has friends he only gets to see once a year or less, and guess what, when he sees them, I am ALWAYS invited, even if I have not met them yet, he is excited to introduce them to me. And this is NEW YEAR'S! I don't know why someone would not invite their partner, the one they love, to NEW YEARS! My bf's, best friend just started dating a girl maybe 3 weeks ago, and they are spending New Years together - heck she went to his place for Christmas Dinner with the family, and you have been together 6 years and he breaks plans with you to spend with New Years with his buddies? Something is not right, and I wish you could see that.

[kellbell]

Woah Xmrth,

 

There are a lot of things in your last post that concern me...

 

You guys have been together for a long time and it never occurs to him to invite you along with him. Especially for holidays such as New Year's? And the fact you are so complacent about it worries me too.

 

Have you thought about having a heart to heart with him? His behavior is screaming volumes...and your behavior too. I have read your posts in the past and this has been going on for a long time. I don't mean to upset you but go back and re-read you old posts. Is this something that you want to deal with for the rest of your life. You are so young...you deserve to be with someone who would want you to be with him on New Years and everyday for that matter and be there to share a kiss to ring in the New Year's...not mickey-mousing around with his friends. I don't care if his friends are here for a short time, this is no excuse. He can still kick it with his friends and spend time with you. And if really wanted to, he would.

 

I sure hope everything works out for you, you deserve to be happy. Take care.

[xmrth]

His friends are going to Iraq as they're back here on leave... I'm wondering if this makes the situation any different or not as I have said they are still here for a week to two weeks each and he can see them any other time, and is! Practically every day! So why New Years....? Without me invited...?

 

Kellbell, what do you mean about my being complacent? Or just tha I am calm over it...? I am reaelly calm because I think I've officially had it and I look at this alot as a turning point. He will either invite me out, or I will not see him that day which in turn is going to help me to do things without him. I used to be so anxious, very over the top afraid, but I saw a therapist and I am not anxious like that at all and feel like I can finally make a desicion like this... finally haha. Intead of I don't even know what.

 

I just want to know... I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or if I should just let him go or see if he'll take me or what. The way it could be is he could see them and see me all day, or I could see him at night, OR I could let him go see them and I would make the decision of not seeing him at all that day in such case. Or he could actually invite me.

 

The thing that confuses me is that back when we were first datig, for maybe the first 4 years, he was very open to inviting me, but as I said, I wasn't always able to, and didn't for years... long story short. And I wonder if like I said, he got used to me not being there and the fact we've been together for so long makes it more awekward... but I'm not sure, it's just a thought.

 

I'm afraid to think too much about this in fear of going back to how I used to be and thinking everything's my fault and he's right for not inviting me...

[Vanilla]

wow, 6 years and he is not inviting you? what is he, a child?

 

sounds like he needs his friends approvals and you depend on his friends to have him include you in his plans. I know everyone needs their own space and lives, but he is just being rude and childish.

 

you should demand a bit more respect from him. you have been together for 6 yrs and you have to ask him to invite you to a new yrs celebration??

 

something wrong there in my opinion...

[Vanilla]

i have similar issues with my boyfriend sometimes, but simply dealing with his family ...and sometimes you have to demand a little more or else they just do whatever they want with you....

 

6 yrs is too long of a time together for him to try to pull stuff like this...

[kellbell]

What I meant about being complacent meaning letting things roll off your back and too easy going about these things, which happen to be very important. Which tells me a few things...you are not getting your needs met and that this is a normal thing in your relationship which also shows me you have been de-synthesized to it. We are not talking about trivial things like leaving towels on the floor or not putting the toilet seat down, we are talking about important things...spending quality time with one another and being honest and open are very crucial in a partnership...and the fact you are not fighting for it or demanding it worries me. You have every right to it. No you are not being unreasonable at all.

 

For him to get you to think everything is your fault is wrong...he is turning to blame on you so he doesn't have to deal with it. It's childish and he is not taking responsibility for this relationship and he is totally taking you for granted. I stand by what I mentioned before...have a talk with him and figure out what you want...you sound very unhappy. You deserve to be happy.

[ocrob]

I can see both sides, but I am definitely on your side. I can understand that he wants to do the male bonding thing. I am guessing his friends do not want his GF tagging along. But, too bad. He needs to step up and tell his friends that you are his baby and that you go where he goes. He can still bond and get drunk with his buddies. The reality is that these guys are all going to try to hook up once they are drunk. I can't imagine why your man would not want to kiss you at midnight. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Let him know that he can hang with the boys and be obnoxious and drunk, but you want to be with him. It may not be pleasant for you, but he should want you there, if you will allow him to be one of the boys. He may just want to hang out with his friends and get really crazy. I can't believe you have been with him for six years and you are only 20?

[xmrth]

I don't even know if I'm right or wrong or what. I mean, I'm positive there's going to be all kinds of people there and one of his friends has a girlfriend... I'm positive she'll be there, and I even mentioned it to him.

 

He was like "One night, just one night" and that "why do you have to hang out with my friends" and I don't know what to do... he had hung up on me saying "fine I'll be miserable and spend it with YOU" and then eventually hung up after saying "whatever.. fine.. whateve I dont care" which I think meant in general and not that he's saying whatever, come.

 

Tomorrow we had plans to see eachother, and at the beginning of this conversaion he said he would be coming over... and I'm wondering if that still stands-- I don't see why not but I don't know when to call him. I was thinking tomorrow in the afternoon and I'd suggest we talk about this again and come up with a compromise. He told me nothing of what time he'd go there, or EXACTLY who would be there, this or that... He called me up at such an odd and late hour expecting a yes or no answer and we weren't able to really talk about it as we would in person.

 

I don't know what to do. I wonder if I'm really wrong? I mean, his friends have to go back to Iraq and stuff, but he can and is, and will be seeing them all the other days... and it's New Years... I'm sure they won't be just him and the two other guys. I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid he won't talk to me now for some reason..

[kellbell]

Honey...it's not a matter of who's right or wrong per say...what matters is that he is hurting you and not taking responsibility for this relationship.

 

And the fact he said those things to you...sheesh...that's is totally wrong. Then I would make other plans then. Forget him. He has been overtly clear to you that he does not want you there on New Year's. Forget compromise. He doesn't deserve it. I would not even see him tomorrow. He treats you like this because you let him.

 

I would STRONGLY suggest that you call your girlfriends TODAY and make plans for New Year's. Your boyfriend sounds like a child. So if he doesn't talk to you, do you really want him to at this point, he said he would be miserable with you. I think you deserve so much better than this...after New Year's, I would seriously consider re-thinking this relationship. It sounds like you two have grown apart.

[RayKay]

He was like "One night, just one night" and that "why do you have to hang out with my friends" and I don't know what to do... he had hung up on me saying "fine I'll be miserable and spend it with YOU" and then eventually hung up after saying "whatever.. fine.. whateve I dont care" which I think meant in general and not that he's saying whatever, come

.

 

Okay, it's One Night, but it is also New Year's. If it's just "One Night" what is the big deal with bringing you along, when he has another two weeks to see his friends alone too?

 

He tells you in pretty clear words that being with you will make him miserable, and is pretty condescending, and you still are asking if this is "normal or acceptable". No, it's NOT!

 

I'm with Kellbell, you deserve better. I really think not only have you "grown apart" though, but you have tried too much to "grow into what he wants" and have forgotten yourself. You need to find that strong woman you lost again.

[Vanilla]

my boyfriend and has said things like "i dont have to call you when im with my fam" - but then he calls everyday anyways and apologizes when he doesnt- sometimes people say things one way when theyre angry or something...but if he every said he'd be miserable with me....then doesnt that shine a red flag on you?

 

if my man told me he'd be miserable with me on new yrs, i think i'd be pretty damn hurt.

 

i think you're just holding onto every string and blinding yourself just to make it work. that was so mean of him....

[xmrth]

Something that has not been easy for me to do these past couple of years is put my foot down and stand up for what I really want. We don't have all these things where this is the case, but with even little things (but I'd say this is a BIG issue), I just let him have his way... but it's not excessive, it's just that when there are little issues I just let him have his way.

He DOESN'T see the problem with me not being invited out... and I would feel better if he did. I just feel bad like it's my fault because I'm not used to sticking to something.

 

I mean, tomorrow for example.. usually I'd would have waited until maybe 2 in the afternoon to call him if he hasn't called me, but should I really just leave it up to him to contact me next? I feel like I have to be careful and REALLY consider what I'm going to do because I feel like this is finally my oppertunity where I feel strong enough to stand up for what I really feel for and see it through. And to have more --control--.

 

Out of this, I want to be included. It would make our relationship 100 times better. With being included with friends would make me included with so much more... I don't know if it will work out that way, but I'd say doors will open. I hope he'll just bring me already...

 

Like I said, I don't know what step to take next... wait for him to call tomorrow as we had plans, or call him...? I don't want to play games and not call on purpose... I've done that in the past and it's gotten me nowhere. I almost don't know what to say when I DO hear from him...

[RayKay]

Okay, but you should see by now that he DOES not see this as a problem, and at this point he never WILL. Why? Because this is what he believes. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but past history shows this is how he is, and he is not likely to be changing his mind about it.

 

Instead of seeing this as an incompatibility, you instead look at how you can change him, but the answer is you can't. Not unless he sees it as an issue will he ever even want to change, if he does even then.

 

There is not even any need for him to change, because anytime he says "no, you cannot come" after you talk about it...what happens? You say "oh okay......" and then it happens again next time. If its important to you, stick to it. If he is not going to include you in his life, and that is important to you, then make a decision to WALK if you don't see an improvement in things.

 

He does not see things the way you do, you do not see them the way he does. These are incompatibilities. You cannot force them to change.

 

How long are you going to "hope" he brings you along, and sees it your way, before you say "Enough! This is ridiculous! I want a man whom is proud to show me off, introduce me, wants to hang out with me, and his friends, spend New Years with me...I am out of here, because this guy is NOT the one whom will meet those needs and desires."

 

Don't call him. Just don't. Let him come to you. See what he says for once. Stop letting yourself get jerked around. It's not a game, it's at this point about respecting yourself enough to not wait around for him. Why would you call him after he told you a night with you on NEW YEARS would make him miserable? No no no.....I see a BAD pattern here, and it's where you are taking all the responsibility for what happens in the relationship, and this is not fair. You care too much, and sweetie, he seems to care too little.

[xmrth]

Thank you so much for all of your advice.

 

I think I'm mostly afraid of him leaving me if I don't call... I can't say I have proof that would happen, but that's not what I want out of it. I would rather see an improvement or NOT see an improvement-- but anything relating to this...

 

I am absolutely 100% terrified of blaming myself. If I have myself to blame, I will just crash... And honestly, I've been trying my hardest not to think about this and I haven't really strted to blame myself.

 

I suppose what gives me alot of hope is the fact that he used to invite me and I was welcome... I'm not saying I wish I could go back and go out when I could, because who knows how the future could have turned out. Maybe I'd have been friends with some bad people or be put in a bad situation had I taken that route and changed things so that us hanging with eachothers friends remained normal... because that door was once open.

 

I kind of wanted to call him up and ask him if we can talk about it some more. I was honestly wondering, and here is where I blamed myself, if he meant the end of the night on New Years, like 10 or 11... but he said "I'll spend the whole day with you" and he usually doesn't stay out THAT late and long... but still, the fact still remains, why can't I come along? I am torn between that because I don't really KNOW if he meant really late at night, but still, the point of not being invited... I have a stronger feeling towards him being over there most of the night because I don't think he'd have called me up so seriousely and because of factors around those lines...

[Mun]

I don't see why this has to be like pulling teeth. If he loves you, he should be wanting to make you happy. And if you want to come along on New Years with him and his friends, he should be happy to take you. These are huge red flags to me, I just don't get it...and the fact that you are ok with it worries me. Don't you hate being second to his friends...especially on New Years?

 

I'm with everyone else that says you should make your own plans. I don't think you should "force" him to bring you along if he doesn't really want you there. In fact, I would recommend you make plans on your own ALL the time without counting on him to come or to bring you along with him. Then again, what kind of relationship would that be if you were always on your own? Might as well be single....that's how I see it.

 

6 years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but it's not reason enough to accept a situation that is not making you happy.

[xmrth]

I'm really not happy about it at all, but I feel as though I just don't care. Not because I'm okay with it-- no way... before this post I would always think that somehow things were okay either way because of this or that... I think the only thing I have room to defend is that I think I know how it got like this, but even then, I don't know that for sure. And it doesn't make it okay.

 

Right now I feel really strong to make my own plans and do things on my own. I'm wondering if this is happening for that reason-- to finally push me over the edge and see for myself how wrong it is so I can pick myself up and not worry about it and go about my way. Again, by not worrying about it, I still care and I still feel it's wrong, but I'm not going to cry (and wow... I haven't!!! except over the phone but then I picked myself up. but I haven't cried between now and that conversation) and I'm not going to let it go and be like "oooh okay... you're right."

I'm already seeing what my girl friends, though few are doing for New Years... but I already know they're spending it with their boyfriends... just wondering if they'll do things with friends, too. If not I've got some things I can do by myself if he doesn't invite me.

[Pixiemeat]

Haha, agree with Vanilla - never have these things with my boyfriend and his friends: the major sticking point is his family.

 

Don't see him at all tomorrow - it's you and his friends TOGETHER, or he can see them on his own. Not that I think he'll care much, that's what he wanted to do in the first place!

 

I'd like to tell you to rethink your relationship, but you won't.

[Pixiemeat]

Just had another think - DO NOT call him, DO NOT contact him, and most of all, DO NOT try to change him. I've been trying to do this to my boyfriend for nearly four years and it hasn't worked. I'm burnt out by it, but he's slowly changing. Your man is doing nothing, and you shouldn't go down this road of 'wait and see.' I'm really angry about this, but it's up to you. Good luck.