Please help me

[Casket]

Me and my ex fought constantly, there was not a day that passed that we didnt fight. We broke up close to 10 times but always made our way back to each other. About 2 weeks ago, on our 11 month aniversery we ended it. On an online messenger program i saw her name, and i got really sad and remembered how it used to be when it was good.

 

So i called her, told her i loved her and i wanted to try and make it work. She said it wasnt the time to discuss it and told me she had a cold. We fought again, i dont know how it happened. She told me that until i admit that i have put her through hell for 11 months, not to talk to her again. I said fine. She said that me talking to her had been a waste of her time.

 

So i look at her name again today, and it was somethign along the lines of "its been 10 days waiting, and i made it, i didnt think i was going to but i made it (barely)."

 

I dont know what to do. Am i ever going to get over her? I neglected my friends for 11 months for her. I went out with them maybe 4 times in 11 months. Now i dont get any phone calls anymore.

 

Can someone take this pain away?

[w_maxell]

Everyone will tell you only time will take the pain away. Its true. It still hurts for me but I admit its not as bad as it was 5 months ago. Yes, I still miss her and I still love her but the pain has lessened.

 

Why don't you give her the space that she seems to be looking for. It would also give you time to think what you really want.

[redandblack]

Hello,

 

It sounds like you have many issues that you need to address and fix before you can get into any relationship. I am assuming you are a very... dominant person. I am also going to assume that most of your arguments were over very trivial things.

 

It may be beneficial to start by admitting your mistakes. Letting insignificant things get in the way of life is a very easy trap to fall into.

 

If I wanted a chance with her in the future or ever want to become friends with her, I would talk to her and apologize for arguing so much and forgive her for anything wrong she did. That is the first step in reconsiliation. If you do not want her in your life, do not talk to her. She will simply resent you.

 

Goodluck and take care

[Casket]

I have looked over my post twice and fail to see how you could derive such information from it.

 

I probably do have issues that i need to fix, but how have you come to the conclusion that i am at fault for the whole relationship? And no, i am not a dominant person what so ever, infact i am the complete opposite.

 

You were right about one thing, fights were over small, trivial things.

 

I dont think i want a chance with her or want to be friends, it will be too hard for me. I just wanted help and support to get me through this time. I know that people will say the same thing, "give it time", "you will have the benefit of hindsight", "you will look back later on and know it was the right choice". I know these were probably the only anwsers i was going to receive, but i needed them, directed at me and not anyone else.

 

I dunno i guess, thanks anyway

[shes2smart]

Unless you're really into constant bickering and find it enjoyable, why on earth would you want to go back to that?

 

It's not healthy, it wears on people very quickly, and relationships don't have to be like that. People who are truly compatible don't spend the majority of their time arguing (unless they both find arguing enjoyable....in which case, they probably have other issues). Life is too short to spend it constantly fighting with your sig. other.

 

She told me that until i admit that i have put her through hell for 11 months, not to talk to her again. I said fine. She said that me talking to her had been a waste of her time.

 

Someone who describes their relationship with you as being put through 11 months of hell probably isn't going to want to come back. If she does, she's either got issues or she's being overly dramatic in her description of hell. Any ex I have described as having put me through hell is someone I will not have intentional contact with again, ever, after the break-up.

 

It baffles me how people can convince themselves that constant bickering in a relationship is normal. Yes, people will disagree on things, but not everything and there are better ways to handle it than turning every disagreement into a fight.

[PocoDiablo]

I have looked over my post twice and fail to see how you could derive such information from it.

We're just trying to help, and you don't give us much info to go on so we're guessing. We're not psychic!

 

You were right about one thing, fights were over small, trivial things.

Then I would say they were actually over bigger issues, such as lack of self-control, self-confidence, and maybe even that you are probably predictable and boring when you are with her. It gets old if she knows you're just going to get into a fight with her... If every time you call you ignore her ("I'm sick.") and get into a fight with her (as usual) what fun is that?

 

I dont think i want a chance with her or want to be friends, it will be too hard for me. I just wanted help and support to get me through this time. I know that people will say the same thing, "give it time", "you will have the benefit of hindsight", "you will look back later on and know it was the right choice". I know these were probably the only anwsers i was going to receive, but i needed them, directed at me and not anyone else.

You have a good frame of mind at least. Yeah, I think this one is over too. I've been in a near identical place as you, except I dumped her after the 9th time she broke up with me. I realized it was just never going to work. My next GF I told her she had once chance to get back together, and she broke up with me twice. That was that. Now I am down to one. If a relationship breaks up, it's over. Plain and simple. Break ups are for me very final, they are not a tool to use in a fight like I see in your relationship.

 

Yes, we all look back and realize mistakes were made.

 

However, have you thought about why things went wrong? How did things start out? Were you flirting more and having more fun and then got serious as time passed? That's a killer, and I see that happening a lot. I notice a lot of guys get lazy and boring as time passes, and women don't like that.

[RayKay]

Me and my ex fought constantly, there was not a day that passed that we didnt fight. We broke up close to 10 times but always made our way back to each other. About 2 weeks ago, on our 11 month aniversery we ended it. On an online messenger program i saw her name, and i got really sad and remembered how it used to be when it was good.

 

Okay, being that on and off again (10 times in 11 months!) is not healthy, loving, normal, or what is going to make you a successful couple in the long term. In relationships when you disagree, you work things out. Break ups are meant to be the last solution, and a final solution. You don't do them just to start over with each other again. That to me sounds like a control issue, and you came back to each other because you were unhealthily not moving on - not because there was some karmic pull.

 

When was it good? You break up, make up, repeat? The make ups were good I assume...but that was probably because you got the rush of a high after a huge low. After 11 months you should not be looking back already "remembering" when times were good. They should STILL be good! Yes, there are some small rough patches every couple goes through, and some through bigger ones, but it should not be an issue of reminscing over how it "used to be" 11 months in! That to me is a BIG indicator there are many problems in this relationship and incompatibilities that mean it's not healthy, or the right one for either of you.

 

So i called her, told her i loved her and i wanted to try and make it work. She said it wasnt the time to discuss it and told me she had a cold. We fought again, i dont know how it happened. She told me that until i admit that i have put her through hell for 11 months, not to talk to her again. I said fine. She said that me talking to her had been a waste of her time.

 

Okay, when someone says their relationship with you has been hell, they don't want to talk to you again, that's a good indicator it's time to move on, and they are closing the books. A good indicator to me that there is no way you should even be pursuing it anymore.

 

So i look at her name again today, and it was somethign along the lines of "its been 10 days waiting, and i made it, i didnt think i was going to but i made it (barely)."

 

She's moving on. It's not easy, in fact it is hard, but she is doing it. And things do get better.

 

I dont know what to do. Am i ever going to get over her? I neglected my friends for 11 months for her. I went out with them maybe 4 times in 11 months. Now i dont get any phone calls anymore.

 

Yes, you will. But you have to make a commitment to move forward, and start healing and stop dwelling. Call your friends, apologize for dropping out of their life, and see if they want to get together. Learn for the future to not drop your friends for a partner. A partner accentuates our lives, becomes part of our lives, is not a replacement for it. It's unhealthy to become so co dependent, and to stop pursuing your passions, and cut your friends out, it will bite you in the butt later on.

 

Can someone take this pain away?

 

You can, you are responsible for your own healing. So make a choice to move forward. Make a choice to believe you deserve someone whom does not refer to their relationship with you as "hell", whom is committed to you, communicates rather then breaks up, whom enhances your life, rather then takes from it.

 

Love YOURSELF and figure out what you deserve. Don't settle for less.