What to do

[lonely days]

Hi everyone, I am not holding my breath any longer but i would still love the opportunity to get back with my exgf. It's been just over 2 months now since she broke up with me. We went out for 5 years I am 28 and she is 25. Since we broke up there have been many conversations, some that give hope and some that really don't. Since we broke up i have had to answer some really tough questions like where did i go wrong? what could i have done better? ect. When i speak to her she knows i have changed and learned alot during these past few months. She says she misses me, thinks about me and would love it if things worked out between us. Sometimes she will say that she is not ready and others she will say who knows what the future will hold for us. One of her good friends tells me that she is definitely still considering getting back together with me. I was just wondering what i can do to maybe tip the balance in my favour. I am now 3000 km away from her because i left where we were living due to the fact that i was surrounded by her huge and i mean huge extended family. She knows who i am so it's not like she would be introduced to a stranger if we were to try again, but there really is no possibility for us to go on a few dates to see where it takes us due to the distance. She keeps saying she wants to do the right thing. I can never get a straight answer out of her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[healinginnyc81]

It sounds like she's waiting to see if someone else will come along for her but she wants to have you there in case her feelings come back. She has you so she has no reason to think about it and make a decision. I think you're better off taking some time apart from her (meaning don't talk to her) and telling her that you're going to try to move on, work on your own issues and find a new gf. Then she will have to think about what she really wants. Don't say it as an ultimatum to her just let her know that you're doing what you think is best for you. Maybe she will realize that she really wants you but maybe she won't. You shouldn't be worried about that because it is up to her. She knows you love her and want her back so there is no reason to let her know that or keep talking to her about it. However, she isn't convinced that you have really changed because you could just be faking it to get her back. She also won't respect you as much is you're still hung up on her and waiting for her to come back. The only way to show that you have really changed is to let her know that you are strong enough to move on without her. Then you actually have to move on. I promise you it will get her to respect you more and she will definitely start thinking seriously about whether or not she wants to work on a relationship with you again. It is her choice now but if you are still talking to her and waiting around for her, she has no motivation to make that choice, she can just hold on to you and see if something better comes along.

Please think about this and keep us updated.

[PocoDiablo]

Her actions will speak louder than words. No matter what she says, if she is not taking action to be with you then she is just consoling you and trying to make you feel better over the split. This is much like any good mother would do to her child - she is caring for you.

 

Unless she gets on her feet and gets physically closer to you, then you are already doing what you can do - analyzing what you did wrong.

 

If you post details about that - what you think you did wrong - we could probably help you fix what ever it is that is driving her away. Any thoughts?

[lonely days]

My main issue was that i was a major pot head, morning, noon and night type of thing. I quit the second she broke up with me and haven't touched it since. The weed made me tired, lazy and unpredictable in my moods. I just want to show her what it would be like now that i am off that sh1t. I complained alot and took what i had for granted. I definitely see the error in my ways. I probaly do not deserve a second chance but would like it none the less. I did treat her pretty good and supported her in whatever she chose to do. I helped her family out but i guess i made it feel as if she owed me for doing those things. Just thinking about where i went wrong makes me sick. Now that i look back i can't believe she stuck with me for that long. I can honestly say that all i want is for her to be happy whether she chooses to come back or not, she is a great girl and a warm, caring person who i pushed away one small step at a time. However only a few weeks before she broke up with me she wrote me this long letter saying how much she loves me and that she wants to be with me forever. although looking back the breakup did come as a shock but it should not have, the signs were there and i either chose to ignore them or was to stoned to realize she was becoming more and more unhappy with me. In the past two months i have made the mistakes of constantly trying to see where i stand and pressuring her to get back together with me. I know i was approaching it the wrong way but i could not help myself because my entire life has been turned upside due to this breakup. I lost everything dog, house job, and most importantly my girl. I am now living at my parents house 3000km away and i just wanted to get back what i had as quickly as possible.

[Orlander]

Your drug use/dependency is what you really need to focus on here. You have the perfect opportunity. I was in a similiar situation with an ex girlfriend where a video game addiction...yes, I said video game addiction was a contributing factor in our breakup. I wanted to play games more than I wanted to be with her and she could tell.

 

It took that breakup to force me to see how video games were controlling my life. It's the same with any addiction. Take this time to focus on how getting high all the time has affected your life and helped lead you to where you are today. From there, decide how you are going to live your life in the future and whether drugs, alcohol, video games or any other addictive habit will be a part of it.

 

 

Orlander

[lonely days]

I knew for a year or two before the break up that i had a real problem. She knew about it and we smoked together sometimes but she was alot more casual about it. Life is about moderation no matter what your into. I even spoke to her about it and she would say that is up to you to quit nobody else can make it happen, you have to want to do it. She was right, i was scared to stop because i was unsure how i would react and i was so used to being stoned that i did not know what it felt like not to be stoned anymore. I guess you have to learn the hard way sometimes, i just wish she could see that was where the majority of the problems stemmed from. I miss her so much and i just want the opportunity to show her that i really am a great guy that never intended to hurt her. I really can't blame her for wanting something more. I look back and it hurts that someone i spent 5 years of my life with doesn't have only great memories to look back upon. In a weird way this break up is the best thing that has ever happened to me because i realized how much my drug use was infecting my life and the people in it. I just want the chance to show her how it should have been and how it could be. We really do make a great team and have alot of the same interests, it's just a shame that it had to come to this. I should probaly just let her go and be happy with someone else and stop trying to win her back. I know where i went wrong but i guess it maybe a case of too little too late. I can't help but be mad at myself for srcewing up such a great thing and hurting the people i cared most about.

[Orlander]

lonely days, whatever you decide, you HAVE to do it for yourself. Yes, you made mistakes, yes you took her for granted, yes you shouldnt have done this or you should have done that, etc, but you can't beat yourself up over this break.

 

You might have lost her, you might not. Maybe you could tell her that you need to work on some issues that you have so that you can be a better person. Maybe tell her that you need some time apart so you can deal with these issues.

 

 

Orlander

[lonely days]

First off she broke up with me and i really do not need any time apart from her. It has been over 2 months and the changes i have made have been for myself but they would benefit her aswell. She spent 5 years with a stoner and now that i am off the stuff she can't seem to understand that things would be so much better. I have that drive for life back in me and if it wasn't for this heartache i believe i would be on top of the world. I know you do not need someone in your life to be happy but with so much changing in my life with where i lived, having to find new work, and missing the girl i love it is difficult to see all the good things. I have alot of major decisions to make in the next few weeks and the stress is killing me. I had my whole life planned out and now it seems i am back to square one. I feel like i am 15 years old again. when in reality i am 28.

[Danny H]

Lonely days, I know what you are saying,but I have to ask this question.

 

If you were a major pot head for the 5 years you were together, does she really know the unstoned you?

 

Maybe you'll have to give her space to think, and then woo her again slowly.

Maybe she really will fall for the new you, maybe not.

 

One thing is for sure I think on this forum the consensus seems to be, if you needily chase the dumper, you drive them away.

In fact the opposite of all those movies that say get on your knees and tell them how you feel and they will then come flying back-lol

 

 

best

 

dan

[lonely days]

That's a valid point Danny h, I would like to believe that i am more or less the same person without being tired, irratible and unpredictable all of the things she was uncomfortable with. You are right with the fact that if you chase they run because everytime the relationship comes up in a conversation she turns very cold and everytime it does not she starts to bring up happy memories and is asking if i have a hot date or says she really misses me. Then when i hear comments like that, i am not patient enough to let that develop into something more, i always try and pull the trigger to see where i stand. That does not mean she will come back but i believe that theory is very true. Singing a song outside her bedroom window will probaly not work lol. I am just going to leave it be for now and see where that takes me because what i am doing now is definitely not working so why not try something else.