My Story...

[skerr]

My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have two small children. I thought our marriage was perfect. He is a high school teacher and basketball coach. Everyone loves him. He is a very charismatic person and everyone respects him greatly. I had always thought that he was a great guy who loved me completely and would NEVER cheat on me. Well, I have had suspicions that something wasn't right. About a month ago I checked his sent e-mails on his computer and found that he was having an affair with an 18 year old former student. She was in his class as a senior and towards the end of the school year he started helping her with a family problem. Since she was about to graduate but still needed advice he gave her his cell phone number. After graduation he started meeting her to "help" with her problems. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would understand. Well, one thing led to another and by mid-July they were having an affair. The affair continued until mid-November when she ended things because she needed more from him and he couldn't be with her. She is away at college but would come home about twice a month to get her fill of my husband. Although they both claim that they never had actual intercourse they did engage in oral sex many times. I am completely disgusted. Not only is it bad enough that he had an affair but with an 18 year old kid???

 

Anyway, we are trying to work things out but it is more difficult than I thought it would be. We have been to a counselor twice now and will go again next week. The problem at this point is that although he claims that he loves me and wants it to work out he also wants to be able to be friends with her. He says that he just likes to know how his former students are doing and he doesn't understand why it isn't okay to have the same teacher/student relationship with her that he has with so many of his other former students. I say that it is impossible for him to have ANY form of communication with her or we will never work! I don't feel secure anymore and wonder if I will ever be able to forgive him. When he is home I feel that we can make it but when he is gone (he coaches basketball so he is at practice a lot) I don't know if we can. He calls and talks to me on the phone while he drives to practice and calls me again as soon as practice is over. I think I know where he is every minute of the day but still worry that he might be e-mailing or texting her. He admits that he loved her and is working on making those feelings go away. I don't understand how a 33 year old man can be in love with an 18 year old! I just don't get it and I'm so frustrated right now.

 

Can a relationship really work after an affair? How do I know that it is really over so I can stop worrying all of the time???

[Beec]

Can it work? Yes, because I know it has for some. Will it? I cannot tell you that.

 

At some point, you will need to trust him again. He needs to amke you feel secure now. No question about that. But, i don't see how you can have a good relationship, unless the trust is rebuilt. And in order to do that, you will need to begin at some time to trust him a little. When he shows he deserves that, then you may be able to trust him more.

 

I simply on't know what to tell you, but this is going to be all about trust.

 

As far as her, he needs to know that contact with her makes you feel insecure and that should be all he needs to know. It's his job to mkae you feel more secure, and he needs to know that.

[OceanEyes]

The problem at this point is that although he claims that he loves me and wants it to work out he also wants to be able to be friends with her.

 

This is, obviously, the problem. I understand this and would feel the exact same way. It isn't bad enough that he's had an affair with a girl of 18 (and a student, couldn't this get him into serious trouble?), but it seems like extra punishment that you're supposed to accept a friendship between the two of them. I wouldn't stand by and continue to be disrespected by allowing a relationship to continue between them. You are NOT wrong for expecting communication between them to STOP completely. This is justified.

 

There isn't really much that I can say that will help you feel better. The sad reality, is that if your marriage is going to work, he will be the one to make it work. If he's not committed 100% to re-building the trust and respect in your marriage, then there really isn't much hope that you can get past this. His complacency to ending their "friendship" will eat away at you and probably drive you crazy.

 

What does the therapist say when he claims that he wants to remain friends with this girl?

 

Can a relationship really work after an affair?

 

I think that it can, but only if you're both set on making it work. Him wanting to carry on a "platonic" relationship won't work. There is no way of you knowing whether or not it's actually platonic because there has been a major breach of trust, and she's at the center of it.

[PocoDiablo]

Um... am I the only one who thinks he is getting away with murder? I think you should punish him in a way that is fitting to the crime.

 

Me? I'd force him to sell his car and make him drive some POS beater. That's punishment for most guys. Then I would dump him.

 

By the way, you should save all evidence of his cheating so when you decide to divorce him you can retain custody of your children and he will have to pay support. Don't take this lightly.

[Vanilla]

it is ridiculously selfish of him to want to remain friends with this girl after all the pain it has caused you. It is almost as if he doesn't want her out of his life just yet. As long as she is around there will always be problems.

 

good luck...I dont know how you're managing to stay with him...but good luck...

[skerr]

I always swore to him that if he ever cheated on me he would be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. Now that I am faced with the situation I don't want him to leave but at the same time I don't want to make things easy on him because then I am afraid he'll do it again. I also don't intend to be desperate and beg him to stay. That is not the kind of person I am but I feel like after 10 years together and two kids that I have to at least try to make it work.

[Day_Walker]

Your husband needs to realize that he has to cut off communication with this girl and this should help the process of you trusting your husband again

[Vanilla]

i think you should take sometime to yourself, make him really regret everything, make him miss you, beg you, to the point where he'll plead to do anything for you- then tell him to stop talking to her...and only when he keeps that promise would i advice on giving him a chance....the mere FACT that he WANTS to stay in touch with her is disgusting

[lgirl]

skerr, i am SO sorry to hear your husband has treated you so badly. your feelings are bound to be all over the place right now, but it is VITAL that you put your feelings ahead of your husband's here. if you feel you might not be able to cope with the aftermath of his awful betrayal, then take the time to examine your feelings and if you can't forgive him, then don't. that's his loss. that's the risk he took when he got with that child and he obviously thought taking the risk was worth it. he didn't think about the repercussions to his professional reputation or to his marriage. he only thought about himself. so that's what you have to do now. he wants his cake and eat it. what are you, his mother? time to give him a dose of reality i think.

 

 

The problem at this point is that although he claims that he loves me and wants it to work out he also wants to be able to be friends with her. He says that he just likes to know how his former students are doing and he doesn't understand why it isn't okay to have the same teacher/student relationship with her that he has with so many of his other former students.

 

your husband appears to have no regard for your feelings - he is being incredibly disingenuous here: it stopped being a teacher/student r/shp as soon as he gave her his cell number, never mind had oral sex(!!) and he knows that. he is trying to take advantage of your good will. if he still loves her and he still wants to be in touch with her, then let him - after you've kicked him out of the house!!!! ("trying to lose those feelings" for her won't happen overnight and now that contact's supposed to be forbidden it will probably make her seem more attractive to him in a perverse way. what are you supposed to do while he's busy losing his feelings for ANOTHER woman?!).

 

forgiving a partner after fidelity is incredibly hard (i will NEVER forgive my ex for his one-off cheating episode). the key thing is here is to only deal with how you feel and what you find acceptable: do what is best for you (not him). it suits him for your marriage to continue - but does it suit you in all honesty? if he cannot cut contact with her, then you have no r/shp to work on (i hope you've spelled that out to him loud and clear; it is NON-NEGOTIABLE. if he is sincere about wanting to be with you, then he must comply willingly or leave).

 

personally, i think you should dump him. at the very least kick him out until you know where you stand and what YOU want. this has to be on YOUR terms now. if he won't do as you say, then you have your answer (painful as that is). i don't think a r/shp can work after an affair (otherwise it wouldn't have happened). the fact is: if he can cheat on you once and you take him back, what's to stop him doing it to you again? once a cheater, always a cheater...

[PocoDiablo]

Seriously. Sell his car. If he wants to date kids, make him fit right in. He can ride his bike to school.

 

Pray for rain.

[Bethany]

While he is still in contact with her, it's not over. I think that he can't face ending it between them and is using any excuse to keep in touch with her. Former pupil/teacher relationship my a**, He's just afraid of a broken heart.

 

He should be MORE afraid of a broken marriage so you need to stick to what you believe and tell him that he cannot have ANY contact with her ever again because if he does.. he's gonna find himself ALONE crying in the bedsit he's going to be living in if he continues to disrespect you, because this affair could go on for the rest of your married life if you are not strong enough to say.. enough is enough and MEAN IT.

[OceanEyes]

Kids or no kids, I really don't know how people stay together after one isolated infidelity, let alone an entire affair with obvious emotions involved. I understand that there is a lot to lose, and so much at stake, but mentally, I just don't think that I could ever get over it. It would haunt my thoughts daily until I ended up completely hating myself for putting up with it. I'm just not a big enough person to forgive/ forget that type of thing.

 

Skerr I think that you'll find the answers within yourself about how to handle this. The only thing that is completely obvious, is that he's much more concerned with his own needs than with yours, or helping you get over this in order to move on. Him wanting to continue a relationship with this young girl is incredibly selfish and doesn't show much respect for you or your marriage. You'll know what to do when the time is right -- decide for yourself whether or not you want to be a part of that.

[skerr]

Well, you'll never guess who showed up at my door step at 2:15 in the morning last night. I was awakened by the phone ringing. It was the OW (well, in my cause she is a girl, not even a woman). She asked to speak to my husband so I handed the phone to him without thinking. She told him to come downstairs and look outside. There she was. Crying hysterically about how hard this was and how she couldn't handle it anymore. I freaked out and screamed at her and at him. Probably woke the neighbors. She came to tell him that they could never talk again because it was just too hard. He need to "not exist" anymore to her. I guess I should be happy but I don't know what to think. Turns out that she texted him earlier in the night and asked if he could call her. He told her no. She then texted 2-3 times more begging him to meet her somewhere to talk. Again he told her no. I guess she flipped out and by 2:15 couldn't handle it anymore and came to my house. I wanted to rip every last hair out of her little head. I don't know what to think!

[Vanilla]

no offense, but your husband is a jerk for having done all this. Look at how much pain he caused everyone which he could have prevented by standing firm in his love and union from day 1. She is just a kid. Does not spare her from guilt, she has plenty of blame because she took part in this, but your husband is more to blame here.

[lovecrazy]

You know you are more of a "better person" than i am. For one I would have pulled her hair out, asked her how she liked sleeping with my husband? And just punched her in the face a few times. But that is just me I believe in revenge (if it is called for) And in my eyes this one calls for it.

 

You are a very strong women, to want to work it out. Sometimes people do just make mistakes. Hppefully your husband realizes what he did, and will never do it again.

 

Now it would have been different if this women and no idea your husband, was married.But she knew.

 

Good Luck with everything, and please keep us updated.