I really managed to mess everything up...

[Amore]

A week ago, I broke up with my first boyfriend. We had been dating for a year and a half, and this year, we went to different schools. He said he fell out of love with me because he didn't see me often anymore, we had no future, and he just wanted to have fun with his girlfriend. I finally decided to end it after of couple of months of him breaking up with me and then changing his mind a day later. I felt I deserved someone who would love me 100% no matter where I am... but I still love him.

 

Once our schools split, I got very close to a male friend of mine we'll call.. Dan. Dan was a friend of my ex's, I actually met him through my ex-boyfriend. This year, we have many classes together, and are in a lot of the same after-school activities. Dan has liked me for 3 or 4 months now, and I'll admit, I sorta had a crush on him, but I always thought of him as my best friend, not my boyfriend.

 

The day after I broke up with my boyfriend, I was over Dan's house because I had no where to go after school and needed somewhere to go for my dad to pick me up after work. Dan and I ended up kissing, but I felt nothing. I thought it was because that I was so emotionally dead from the break up. Dan asked me out 5 days after the break up, on Christmas morning. I said yes because we were best friends and had a lot in common, and I thought it'd help me get over my ex. Big mistake.

 

I'm obviously still not over my first love. We dated for a long time in this part of our lives. I wasn't going to get over him in a few days, and the relationship I have with Dan now just seems wrong. He came over my house two days ago and we were kissing again, but I still felt nothing. I told him today that I feel weird about everything... about dating him and kissing him when I'm not over my ex. It's not fair to anyone. Not fair to me, my ex-boyfriend, or Dan.

 

I really don't know what to do now. My friends agree that I screwed everything up. I've tried talking to my "ex" (I hate using that term) online, but he usually responds in either "yes" or "no" and then says he has to go. He seems to have no desire whatsoever to talk to me, and he doesn't even know about Dan yet.

 

I think I need to take a break from relationships and just focus on myself. But as for my current situation, I have no idea how to go about fixing it...

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and I thank you for taking the time to read this

[healinginnyc81]

amore, you said it yourself:

I need to take a break from relationships and just focus on myself

You should not date Dan because you aren't ready to have another relationship yet and it will only hurt you more and hurt Dan in the end.

I'm not sure I see why your friends think YOU screwed everything up. Maybe we need to know more about what happened but it sounds like the ex didn't feel the same towards you as you felt about him. Long distance may have something to do with it but it was probably more than that. He may not have felt as strong a connection to you.

Like you said, the only thing to do here is to take time for yourself. Try to stop talking to the ex it will only confuse you more. Don't worry too much about him or a relationship just worry about taking care of yourself. If your ex was right for you he will realize it and will call you but don't think about that, that's not your main concern here.

Keep posting and let me know if I'm not understanding your situation.

[Amore]

bkjsun, you seem to understand my situation pretty well... but as of right now, I am going out with Dan and I don't know how to let him know that I'm really not ready, because I thought I was.

 

My ex is part of a group of mutual friends, so I usually talk to him just when everyone's trying to sort out plans... but he still suddenly has to go whenever I personally talk to him. It's absolutely killing me, because when we broke up, he said I did nothing wrong, I was a great person, the only thing that happened was distance came between us. Two days before we broke up, he baked me heart shaped cookies and was being super clingy and saying how much he wanted to work this out. And now, he won't do so much as to have a 2 minute conversation with me. I guess this is his way of getting over me. But he was such an important part of my life, I just don't want him to go from being my everything to nothing. I still want him as a friend. Is it not the right time for that?

[coooolsome]

Its hard to be friends with someone you were in love with so shortly after the breakup. You both need time to heal and get over the breakup. He probably doesnt talk to you b/c it hurts him and keeps him from moving on. Same goes with you. Take some time off for yourself.

[Amore]

Thanks coooolsome, that makes sense. I guess "no contact" is the road to go... which is weird, because the fact we had such little contact is the reason we broke up. But we both need our space, I'll have to give it a while.

 

Thanks for your advice =)

[healinginnyc81]

Definitely No Contact. I was the best of friends with my ex gf for 2.5 years and when she broke up with me it was very cordial and honest but we can't really talk to each other right now without bringing up all these emotions. For the ex it probably brings up guilt as well as maybe wishing things worked out, for us it brings up the longing to get back together. So it just doesn't work to be friends with someone who you used to have a loving relationship with until you've both moved on.

[Amore]

No Contact is definitely the best option, but it's going to be hard as we're in the same group of mutual friends... there's a New Year's Eve party coming up that we were both invited to, and I don't know if I should go to show him that he can't stop me from having a good time, or if it'll just make me upset.

 

Last night, I saw him at a friend's house, first time since we broke up. He treated me with indifference, which is basically what I expected. He's not one to show his emotions. But it still made me extremely upset, the least he could have done was to treat me like another human being. Our friends really think he's acting like a jerk, but I guess it's his way of coping.

 

It just makes me feel like he doesn't care that we broke up at all.

[healinginnyc81]

If he's acting indifferent it's because he's trying to pretend he doesn't care. Which means he's hiding some feelings - not necessarily feelings of missing you or anything, i dont know.

What I'm trying to say is you shouldn't feel that he doesn't care. But if he looks at you just smile and move on. If he talks just be brief and friendly, maybe even joke with him but DON'T get into a serious conversation and definitely DON'T be the one to start talking to him. Don't stare at him or watch what he's doing, just HAVE FUN - but not to show him, just for your own sake.

 

If you aren't sure that you can be around him without getting emotional you might consider not going. Or, I don't know if it's possible for you to go and just stay completely away from him.

If you go and you start to feel the emotions getting too strong don't be afraid to leave or to step out to be alone for a while. Your strength and healing is the most important thing to consider. If you're not having fun there's no reason to torture yourself.

 

In any case, I hope you can have fun. Good luck with everything.

[bebestix]

That's awkward to have no contact whatsoever if you guys share mutual friends. I agree- he's trying to pretend to not care. I'd say he actually cares enough inside and there is hope to mend this. Here are some tips at link removed that I've found helpful in the past. Overall, just try to stay cool and independent around him since you can't really avoid him.

[Amore]

Well, I survived the first day of No Contact... it's a lot harder than it seems. And although I want NC to bring him closer to me, I know it's just going to drive him further away. The reason we broke up was because we didn't have enough contact for him. He even told me he felt our relationship was like "out of sight, out of mind."

 

The reason I'm doing No Contact is because I want to give him his space, and then perhaps one day, we will both have moved on, and will be able to speak to each other again. I guess I have such a deep desire to talk to him because we broke up online (I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for letting it end that way) and I just have so many things that I need to say but it wouldn't have been right to simply type them on AIM... I need to tell them to his face, but he just doesn't want to talk. I have no closure at all.

 

All I want is one more day... one more day, one more chance... and if I don't see him ever again after that, at least I can live in peace.

[Amore]

So it's been nearly 3 days of NC, I haven't even cried once today. Tonight I'm going to a party and he's going to be there... it's going to be impossible to avoid him but I'm going to enjoy myself and have fun! Perhaps he'll notice the fun, happy person that he left and miss me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

Tonight is going to be a night for me! New year, new dreams...

[Amore]

Just wanted to post a quick update...

 

The NYE party didn't go as bad as I expected, my ex basically avoided me and at first, I had no trouble remaining happy. At one point, an inside joke was mentioned and my ex and I looked at each other and exchanged smiles, but then quickly turned away when we remembered that we were no longer going out and "supposed" to be ignoring each other.

 

Later in the party, I started to get upset because he was having a great time and I was jealous that he could have so much fun but I had to try so hard to stop being miserable thinking about him. My friend told me that while everyone was laughing and having a good time, my ex looked over at me and stopped smiling because he noticed I was upset. I don't know if she told me that just to make me feel better, or if that actually happened...

 

I had my aunt pick me up a couple of hours early, as I didn't want to get even more upset when midnight struck and he wouldn't be able to hug me and kiss me to ring in the New Year.

 

All in all, it wasn't a disaster as I expected..

[healinginnyc81]

Amore, It sounds like you handled it really well. Leaving early was a good idea too. I'm sure it hurts but it will help you to get stronger.

 

Keep it up. I know you'll get better.

[Amore]

Thanks bkjsun, we'll all get better in time.

 

It hurt a lot to leave early, I'm a tad angry that I missed out on a bunch of fun with my friends because of him, but I'm glad that when I got home, my whole family was there to cheer me up. And when my grandma was hugging me, I realized how much I missed them. How I'd been pushing my family away, but they were all here for me. And while the "you can do better, you'll have more boyfriends, he didn't deserve you" comments didn't exactly make me feel any better, it was nice to know that they truly all cared.

 

It still hurts when I have dreams where he begs for me back, only to wake up in the middle of the night and start crying. But I suppose they'll lessen in time, and I'll be able to move on.

 

... 5 days of NC. The hardest 5 days of my life. But it's getting easier.

[healinginnyc81]

Hey I still wake up every morning after about 5 hours of sleep to those dreams of my ex coming back to me and telling me that she was wrong to give up on us. It gets me sad but now I can handle it a lot better than I did the last couple of weeks.

 

I'm glad to hear that it's getting easier. You'll have ups and downs but each time you get through you'll make so much progress. Keep your hopes up.

[Amore]

It really really is getting easier. Talking to my friends has helped a lot... they remind me that the last few months of my relationship made me miserable, trying to prove that I still loved him. And they remind me that there are so many other people who deserve my love, and he's the fool for not appreciating it.

 

I haven't cried since NYE (so none at all this year! I even had a quick 5 minute conversation with my ex a couple of nights ago, which I pretty much feel indifferent towards. It's finally starting to sink in that he's not going to be the best, or the only, love of my life. And that I have to move on in order to experience it again!

 

(Plus, it helps that a ridiculously good looking guy heard about my break up and felt bad so he jokingly said he'd beat up my ex for me. It sometimes helps to move on by lightening up the situation. )

 

Whenever I think about my ex, my friend told me to think about someone else, and so far that advice has strangely been working! Too bad I just learned that the guy I've been starting to have a crush on has a girlfriend of 2 years, even though they don't act like it.

 

And Dan, the guy I mentioned in my first post, has been a great friend, as always. Things really seem to be going up for me lately! (Except for the whole crush-having-a-gf thing)

 

Sorry about this long ramble, I've been on a 4-day high, and I wanted to share my happiness with everyone.

 

Once you start accepting the situation, and stop worrying about what your ex feels, a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders!

[healinginnyc81]

It's really good to hear that you're getting better. I can share your joy and it inspires me to try to reach that.

 

I keep thinking I've accepted the situation but then I keep falling back into thinking about the good times with the ex. Just gotta take one day at a time.

 

I'm sure you'll find someone that you can be happy with but still be independent and happy yourself. Good luck.