What are my next steps?

[Mikey28]

Hi everyone

 

I had been with this girl for nearly 3 years. I am in Switzerland (sorry for my bad English...), and she is from Finland. I don't want to go too much into the details, but we had to go through a lot, had to fight for our relationship, but finally she moved to my house in Switzerland, and we had a great time. We were not only girlfriend/boyfriend, but also best friends. We had such a close connection, I have never experienced this before. She is my dream girl. She is 21 only, but looks much older, very attractive, typical Scandinavian girl, very outgoing, a party girl. I am 28, more like the calm person, like to party too, but not everyday as she does... We have experienced a lot together, travelled a lot, had a really good time. Our parents liked our partners very much. It was the perfect relationship.

 

Our relationship has always been based on trust. We never cheated on each other. Till that night, when she didn't show up at all for the night. I was scared, thought something bad happened to her, wasn't able to reach her over the phone. I didn't sleep a single minute that night. Next morning she called me telling she partied with her girlfriends and stayed at one of her friends flat. I thought it's a bit strange, but finally believed her. She partied a lot during the upcoming 2 weeks, and got home very late a couple of times. She also didn't do anything for her distance studies anymore. At the same time she got very cold towards me - didn't kiss me anymore, no hugs and so on... I was down, not knowing what was going on. I tried to talk to her, but she never wanted to tell me what's going on.

 

One day she woke me up inmiddle the night telling me that she is moving to an own flat the next day. I was shocked, but calmed down after she told me that everything is alright with our relationship. She always wanted to move to the center of Zurich, so after she assured me everything is alright with us, I was more or less fine with her decision. I even helped her moving. Of course I had a bad feeling about everything, but she always told me everything is fine. 2 or 3 days later we went out with a couple of her girlfriends. On that night she was suddenly very friendly and warm towards me again. When I brought her back to her flat we stayed in my car and kissed for very long. I thought that now everything is back to normal. I was happy again. Afterwards I found out that on that night she said goodbye to me - without telling me.... How cruel does a person have to be to do such a thing...? We had been dating for 3 years, been best friends.... Anyway, i didn't know what was going on, went to home, and quickly wanted to call her in order to say goodnight. But again she didn't pick up the phone, even though the phone was switched on... I got very suspicious, called her best friend in Finland. She told me that something is definitely not alright, but that she is not allowed to tell me. She also told me that this thing was going on for like 2 weeks already and that my girlfriend is too coward to tell me about it and that she can't watch all this anymore. Again I didn't sleep at all. In the morning before I went to my work place, I quickly went to her flat - it was around 7am. Right at the moment when I arrived there, she got home.... still make-up on... wearing her best clothes... She was extremely cold, but I didn't leave her appartement till she told me the whole truth. How she cheated on me with a guy several times, and that she doesn't love me anymore and wants to break up. And that the thing with that guy is only for fun, nothing serious. She also told me that there is only a little chance of getting back together with me... I guess as a backup in case the thing with the other guy doesn't work out... She also told me how all of her friends knew what was going on... all the time - even her boss knew about it - I was the only person who didn't know about it! I didn't want to believe that she wants to leave everything for a bit fun with that guy. By the way, he is 30, lawyer, model type of guy, with appartement at the lake... he drinks a lot, likes to party very hard... exactly what she likes... I was completely under shock, tried to change her opinion, sent her roses, letters and all that stuff... but it only pushed her even further away from me. Then I decided to leave her. I wrote her a text message on her phone saying goodbye. After she got off from work (she works in a bar) she wrote me back that she wants to spend the night with me and how she misses me... She tried to call me several times. I didn't reply. Early in the morning she called me again. I finally picked up the phone. She missed me and wanted me to come to her flat. I went there, we slept with each other, kissed a lot, but she told me that she still wants to break up. I got very disappointed again. She played with me... I begged her to be my girlfriend again... without any success....

 

Then there was this chance coming up to go abroad for my company. I picked her up from work, and invited her to dinner. At the restaurant I told her about my plans to leave the country. We talked a lot about our relationship, and I think she started to see the good things we had, our close connection and everything. Finally she changed her mind. She wanted to be with me again. I was the happiest person on earth. We celebrated our getting back together. We went to a nice bar and kissed for the whole evening, had lots of wine and so on. Then we went to her flat for the night. I had butterflies in my stomach... When I left to work in the morning I sent her a message on her phone saying that I love her very much and wished her a great day. No reply! After a couple of hours I called her, and she was a bit cold again. I got confused. Later that evening she sent me a message saying that she needs a break of one week. That she still stays with her decision of yesterday evening, but that she just needs time now, and that she can't cope with the whole situation anymore. I got depressed again. Later I found out that she went to dinner with that lawyer model hero j a c k a s s again... They didn't have sex, but they met up again... After she wrote the message I replied that in 2 days I need to decide whether I go abroad or not. After 2 days she called me to my office and told me she definitely wants to try again with me. I was happy again... In the upcoming 7 days I tried to give her as much love as I could - I cooked for her, invited her to dinner, made plans for a trip abroad, picked her up from work etc... Until the day when 2 of her girlfriends from Finland visited her in Zurich. On the first evening they planned to go out. I know those 2 girls from my visits to Finland, so I asked them whether it would be alright to join them. My girlfriend told me that one girl got sick and that they most likely will stay at home, but that they would call me in case they would change their plans. I didn't receive any call that night. At 12pm I decided to quickly call my girlfriend in order to say goodnight... Guess where they were? Out in a club... I got quite confused and wanted to talk to her for 1 minute on the phone. She answered "I gave you 3 years, now I don't want to talk to you" and hung up the phone... I got in panic, thought she changed her mind again. I drove to that club, and wanted to talk to her. She was extremely angry at me for showing up there, told me this was supposed to be a girlsnight... I told her that I only want to talk to her for 1 minute and settle our thing, then I would leave again... She was quite drunk, showed me her middle finger, and even kicked me in my face... Finally she got even thrown out by the bouncer... Then they left to another place, and I went home again. All the girls blamed me for not giving her more space... Later on I found out that she invited lawyer guy to go out with them - that's why she didn't want me to be there...

 

2 days later she called me and told me that I * * * *ed up and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore... I got confused, I only wanted to talk to her... Then she showed up at my house in order to pick up her stuff. When she was in my bedroom I quickly checked her phone and found several text messages from and to lawyer guy... It was also the moment, when I found out that she asked him out on her "girlsnight"... And there was this other message.. they planned to meet up at a sauna for sex... I got extremely angry, threw her out of my appartement, and quickly drove to her flat in order to pick up my stuff. We finally calmed down, and under tears we said goodbye to each other... After 4 days I accidentally bumped into her at the trainstation. We kissed a couple of times, but she said that this is wrong since we are not dating anymore... She also told me that last evening didn't go that well with lawyer guy... We agreed to talk once again... She invited me to her flat for the evening. I left work earlier and went to her place. When I arrived she changed her mind and didn't want to talk anymore. She gave me 1 minute to say what i have to say, and afterwards I should leave... I got angry and left... Again she played with me... After one week I went out with 2 girls. My ex girlfriend knew about it, and suddenly showed up at the same bar... She was extremely jealous at the girls, asked me who they are... Then we went to the couch and kissed for the whole evening... She had me again... Afterwards we went to her flat and spent the night with each other, without having sex though... In the next morning we kissed a couple of times and I left to work. Afterwards I called her best friend in Finland and told her about what happened last night. She told me that she only kissed me in order to make the other girls jealous... I couldn't believe it and got very angry. I called her many times, and sent her messages on her phone. She got very upset. After a while she didn't even answer my phone calls anymore. Then she even told me she would call the police if I don't stop contacting her... A couple of days later I went out with a work colleague. Suddenly she showed up at the same bar with her lawyer guy. I guess that this war really coincidence. They sat down next to us, but she didn't even say hi to me... She looked at me every 10 seconds, but didn't say a word, as if I was someone she doesn't know at all. Afterwards they even started kissing... I tried to stay cool, smiled and laughed a lot with my friend... I even thought to order them a drink... but actually my heart got torn apart - it hurted me so much to see them kissing... Can you imagine? Some guy is kissing "my" girl... Afterwards I decided not to contact her again... I had to go to South Africa for 2 weeks. Before I departed, I quickly went to the bar where she works. She told me how much fun she is having with that lawyer guy, that they partied a lot, and that they are nearly everyday drunk. I said goodbye to her, but she didn't care at all, didn't even say bye to me... So I left to South Africa, decided to do NC... I knew that she still checked my emails during that time, but we weren't in any contact. But obviously she was still interested what I was up to...

 

Last week I got back from South Africa. When I arrived at the airport in Zurich, I knew that at the same time my girlfriend is departing to Finland for Christmas. She is really scared of flying, so I decided to send a short message on her mobile phone, saying that the air is smooth, and wished her Merry Christmas. One minute later she called me. She sounded miserable, told me how she drunk the whole evening the day before, and even that morning... and how she is looking forward to go back to Finland... When she arrived in Finland and got online she instantly contacted me over messenger. She told me how she lost her bar job, how she is completely broke... and that she is no longer in contact with lawyer guy... I tried to cheer her up, telling her that I will help her finding a new job. Now she seems to be willing again to speak with me, but it doesn't seem that she really wants me back. After going out everyday with that guy, she thinks now that I am very boring and unspontaneous... Bahhh... My life contains more than only going out and drinking... Once she showed me a jacket on the internet, and asked me for my opinion. I told her I am looking for a jacket too, and whether she would like to join me to Milan, Italy, for a shopping trip... She didn't reject my offer, but unfortunately one of her friends called her and she had to leave...

 

What am I supposed to do now? She will stay in Finland until Jan 8. On one side NC would be the best thing, on the other side I feel that I got a chance again, now that she is not in contact with lawyer guy anymore... Since she is very attractive, she most likely won't stay alone for long... so I get the feeling I need to use this chance... I thought about picking her up from the airport when she is coming back to Switzerland on Jan 8th - as a surprise. I wouldn't talk about relationship stuff, or that I want her back... I would only drive her back to her flat, so that she doesn't have to carry her suitcase and go by train. I would support her in finding a new job and so on... be her friend again... and when the time is right, I would invite her on a trip to the alps, or the shopping trip to Milan... She might remember the good times with me again, without feeling under pressure. We always had a very cool time on our trips. I am still so much in love with her - I would just like to call her and hear her voice or send her a letter, but I know this is the wrong strategy and I would only push her further away. I know most of you will say I should forget about her after what she has done to me... but before she met that lawyer guy she was the nicest and warmest girl ever, always showed so much love towards me. I want my old girl back I miss her so much - not only as a girlfriend, but also as a friend.

 

What do you think is the right strategy to get her back? I'll keep you updated about my next steps and how it goes...

[moondog627]

How can you want to get back with her after she cheated on you??? This girl is BAD NEWS. You can do a whole hell of a lot better than her. She's young, confused, and just wants to have her fun right now. Save yourself from more heartache and go into STRICT NO CONTACT.

[PocoDiablo]

Ugh.

 

First, she is a CHEATER and she made you look like a fool. Personally, I would recommend you never see her again. (I'd dump her flat, I would *never* allow any one to treat me like that.) If you get back together with her, she will continue to use you because you have proven to her that you are not as exciting as this other guy and you'll ALLOW her to see this other guy with no reprocussions.

 

Second, do you want to know WHY she comes back and then runs off? It's simple. Go back and read your post and tell me what you did before she ran off. Everytime you chase her (dinner, texting her "I love you", gifts) she runs off. Every time you kiss up to her, go to her place, make her dinner... she takes off. Simple. Obvious.

 

But you are blinded and you won't see many truths in this situation.

 

Why? Because you are rewarding her for being so cruel to you. And, in my opinion, that is the craziest thing you can do and it WILL drive her away - as it has already done time and time again.

 

Anyway, i didn't know what was going on, went to home, and quickly wanted to call her in order to say goodnight. But again she didn't pick up the phone

Drove her away.

 

I was completely under shock, tried to change her opinion, sent her roses, letters and all that stuff... but it only pushed her even further away from me.

Yup. Drove her away.

 

Then I decided to leave her. I wrote her a text message on her phone saying goodbye. After she got off from work (she works in a bar) she wrote me back that she wants to spend the night with me and how she misses me... She tried to call me several times. I didn't reply. Early in the morning she called me again. I finally picked up the phone.

You backed off - she chased YOU.

 

She missed me and wanted me to come to her flat.

She chases you... but...

 

I went there, we slept with each other, kissed a lot, but she told me that she still wants to break up.

You chase her - drove her away.

 

She played with me... I begged her to be my girlfriend again... without any success....

Drove her away. Begged?

 

I told her about my plans to leave the country. .... Finally she changed her mind. She wanted to be with me again.

You retreat - she chased you.

 

We went to a nice bar and kissed for the whole evening, had lots of wine and so on. Then we went to her flat for the night. I had butterflies in my stomach... When I left to work in the morning I sent her a message on her phone saying that I love her very much and wished her a great day. No reply! After a couple of hours I called her, and she was a bit cold again.

You chased her, you drove her away again.

 

I replied that in 2 days I need to decide whether I go abroad or not. After 2 days she called me to my office and told me she definitely wants to try again with me.

You were going away again. She chased.

 

In the upcoming 7 days I tried to give her as much love as I could - I cooked for her, invited her to dinner, made plans for a trip abroad, picked her up from work etc...

You're driving her away again. Big time. Like you are kissing up to your mother in hopes she won't leave you.

 

I drove to that club, and wanted to talk to her. She was extremely angry at me for showing up there

You chased her - you are driving her away. And catching her in the act of cheating on you - obviously.

 

Later on I found out that she invited lawyer guy to go out with them - that's why she didn't want me to be there...

Obviously.

 

I got extremely angry, threw her out of my appartement, and quickly drove to her flat in order to pick up my stuff.

You retreated ...

 

We agreed to talk once again... She invited me to her flat for the evening.

She was chasing you but...

 

I left work earlier and went to her place. When I arrived she changed her mind and didn't want to talk anymore.

you chased her and drove her away again. Should have told her to come to your place, then you should have been somewhere else or late.

 

I got angry and left... Again she played with me... After one week I went out with 2 girls. My ex girlfriend knew about it, and suddenly showed up at the same bar...

You made her chase you ....

 

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

 

Okay, I'm done. Can't you see what is going on here? You're just playing cat and mouse. She wants what she cannot have, and you want what you should not have. She's a liar and a cheater, and you need to have enough self-respect to dump her. You are the laughing stock of all of her friends and her boss even knows! How sad for you. She is using you, and you're acting like you enjoy it... at least when you reward her for treating you so badly it seems like that.

 

I'd never let anyone treat me like that.

 

More details? Sure, why not.

 

Afterwards I called her best friend in Finland and told her about what happened last night. She told me that she only kissed me in order to make the other girls jealous... I couldn't believe it and got very angry.

Believe it. She played you. You had TWO new and probably BETTER women and she stole that opportunity from you.

 

She told me how she lost her bar job, how she is completely broke... and that she is no longer in contact with lawyer guy... I tried to cheer her up, telling her that I will help her finding a new job. Now she seems to be willing again to speak with me, but it doesn't seem that she really wants me back.

Well, obviously she is just using you to get her a job because she knows she can walk all over you. Why would you help her get a job after she was so mean to you? I don't really think you owe her anything...

 

she thinks now that I am very boring and unspontaneous...

Compared to him you probably are. But the difference is that you are also desperate and have let her walk all over you. He's so exciting that she "excited" herself right out of a job! That's not a good thing. She does not sound so wonderful to me. What if she did that when you had kids or responsibilites? But he is the lesser of two evils. Fun is better than desperate.

 

I told her I am looking for a jacket too, and whether she would like to join me to Milan, Italy, for a shopping trip... She didn't reject my offer

Well obviously! Who would turn that down knowing you would just pay her way and all? It has nothing to do with you, though. When she is in Milan she can go to a club and find another "exciting" guy and sleep with him. And you're going to pay her way? I should point you to a story I found about that.

 

What am I supposed to do now? She will stay in Finland until Jan 8. On one side NC would be the best thing, on the other side I feel that I got a chance again, now that she is not in contact with lawyer guy anymore... Since she is very attractive, she most likely won't stay alone for long... so I get the feeling I need to use this chance...

To dump her? Duuuuuuuuuuuuump her. Take me shopping instead!!! (Just kidding.) Heck, I'd help you find a much nicer woman and I would spend a lot less on shoes.

 

I thought about picking her up from the airport when she is coming back to Switzerland on Jan 8th - as a surprise.

No! You're kissing up to her. She's not your mom.

 

I wouldn't talk about relationship stuff, or that I want her back... I would only drive her back to her flat, so that she doesn't have to carry her suitcase and go by train.

Mikey the taxi cab service? You're kissing up to her. Make her see what life is like without you.

 

I would support her in finding a new job and so on...

Make her get her own job. Stop supporting her. She is not your child.

 

be her friend again...

With a friend like her, who needs enemies? She's walked all over you. That's no reason to be her friend.

 

and when the time is right, I would invite her on a trip to the alps, or the shopping trip to Milan...

The time is right for her to cheat on you again while abroad? How thoughtful of you. But blind.... you are rewarding her for her behavior and giving her chances to cheat on you.

 

She might remember the good times with me again, without feeling under pressure. We always had a very cool time on our trips. I am still so much in love with her - I would just like to call her and hear her voice or send her a letter, but I know this is the wrong strategy and I would only push her further away.

Yup. So is paying her way, buying her trips, showing up at her house, or generally kissing up to her.

 

I know most of you will say I should forget about her after what she has done to me... but before she met that lawyer guy she was the nicest and warmest girl ever, always showed so much love towards me. I want my old girl back I miss her so much - not only as a girlfriend, but also as a friend.

She is long gone my friend. She has written you off and I doubt you can - or should - change enough to get her back.

 

Besides, if you do "get" her back, she'll just cheat on you again. She's already told you that you are boring, and that is - in my opinion - the kiss of death for any guy. You're done with now that she knows there are more fun guys out there that she likes better.

 

What do you think is the right strategy to get her back? I'll keep you updated about my next steps and how it goes...

Get a new girlfriend or two? That's the only thing I would recommend.

 

Look, with all due respect, she is never going to come back to you the way it was. You blew it a long time ago by not going out to parties with her, or at least being somewhat exciting. She's a party girl and needs more. If she comes back to you, can you imagine kissing her? Do you have any idea where her mouth has been? I think you are lucky you did not get an STD. I caught a (curable) STD from my GF who swore she loved me. Turns out she slept with 12 guys.

 

Look, the REALITY is that actions speak louder than words. If you plugged your ears and watched what she did, what would it mean? Does she come to your house? Does she beg for your company? Cook you dinner, clean your flat, wear a chastity belt? No. She tells you one thing and does another. You are foolish to think that her words mean anything. Only her actions are a true indicator of her feelings for you, and she only comes to you when she needs company. As soon as lawyer boy is in town you're second fiddle.

 

Go watch her. Stop listening to her. Make your decision.

[sibling295]

Yeah Mikey - i am going to have to agree with poco on this.

This girl is just using you.

Why in the world are you offering shopping trips , cab services , honey of course she will accept these things. Doesnt mean she is a changed women.

 

You should offer her nothing. Yes NOTHING.

And the only way you should take her back is if she comes to you begging for forgiveness , goes into couple counceling and wears a chasity belt.

 

Please Mikey , she is young immature and playing you for a fool.

Everyone knows this. Even her boss??? Geez, Mikey - stand up for yourself.

Grab ahold of a backbone - DUMP HER

 

She kissed another man in front of you????? My God , Mikey, that is just LOW CLASS. You deserve soooo much more - please think about how to move on from this girl, rather than wanting her back.

 

All my thoughts,

Sib

[coooolsome]

I agree, strict NC for you buddy. She is being a Grade A Bi*ch. She is basically saying to you "Hey, i dont want to be with you but I will when things arent going well for me" She is using you for her own needs. She is being extremely selfish. NO CONTACT. Dont answer her calls anymore. Nothing. She needs to know she cannot have you whenever she wants. Personally, I would never go back to her b/c she cheated on you.

[Pikey1972]

Yup, I agree with everyone else - back off completely Mikey, this girl is BAD NEWS and you deserve much, much, MUCH better!

 

So NC is definitely the way to go...Focus on yourself and treat yourself to all those nice things. Spoil YOURSELF, not someone who doesn't deserve your attention / affection.

[redandblack]

Aw man,

 

I'm so sorry! This is terrible! This girl is completely using you. When things are looking up for her, she cheats on you and gets what she wants. When things are bad, she turns to you and gets all the emotional support and needs. You need to block her out of your life. She cheated on you, used you and lied to you many times! You treated her well and you deserve someone so much better than this!!!

 

One commom theme runs through this thread: when she is gone you are unhappy and when she comes back you are happy. This should not be. Tell yourself "I don't need her to be happy" and truly BELIEVE it! You are an excelent boyfriend! Cooking for your girlfriend, trusting her, willing to bend over and compromise for her! You deserve to be number ONE!

 

Take care