what to say...

[Jessy]

Well, my fiance and I have been together for quite some time now... we both still live with our parents, but don't have enough money to buy/rent our own place just yet. I'll have my degree in nursing in a few months, and he'll have his Act 120 to become a police officer. My mother has offered to let him move into our house, and pay about $100/ mo. rent, including utilities, groceries, etc. I figured that would be a great idea, because he doesn't get along with his parents very well. His mother married an abusive a**hole when he was young, and he doesn't like him at all. While his "father" doesn't act that way anymore, he still yells at him, and makes him feel terrible. As if that weren't bad enough, his mother lets this happen.... I am the one to calm him down, and comfort him when he's upset about his home life, so his moving in would directly benefit everyone involved. My mother absolutely loves him, and we would basically have the whole upstairs level to ourselves. The catch is, he doesn't see the point in moving out of the home with his parents and in with my mom. He thinks he'll be treated like her son, as opposed to a tenant. Of course, she won't just treat him like a tenant, but she also won't yell at him like he's her son. How do I get him to realize this is a golden opportunity to get out of that situation without being shoved out to live on his own?

[melrich]

Hi Jessy. Gotta say, I'd never move in with my girlfriends parents no matter how well set up the arrangement was.

 

I know some people do and would but it's not for me. Maybe your b/f is the same way.

[bleeder]

Hi Jessy,

 

The best way around this is to bring him home for dinner first. This would allow you to show him your home environment without putting unwanted pressure on him to move in.

 

Let him see for himself, and judge from the way your mom converses with him over dinner etc. It is one effective way of winning him over without pressing him with the issue. Once he is comfortable with your mom's company, I am sure that he would see this as a golden opportunity to get out of the hellhole he is living in.

 

I hope this helps, and a blessed New Year to you.

[Jessy]

First off, thank you bleeder and Melrich for your replies.

I probably should have been more clear about their relationship, as well as ours... my mom is like a second mother to him; he's always here, and we sit around and chat like a bunch of friends... same as at his house, excluding his father. I think we're both very fortunate, in that we get along with our future-in-laws extremely well. There's a part of me that thinks the reason he doesn't want to move in has to do with pride. I think he wants to show my mom that he can take care of me, and not rely on her, myself, or even his parents for that matter, to take care of him/us.

[melrich]

well again Jessy, I get along very well with my girlfriends parents as well. They too regard me like a son. But I still would not move in with them.

 

It has nothing to do with pride. It is everything to do with the boundaries I want in my relationship.

 

I'm not saying this is the case with your b/f, just that it's how I feel so maybe it is how he feels as well. Just the benefit of my experience.

[bleeder]

Thanks for elaborating Jessy. Now that I have a better picture, I won't rule out pride as a factor, but like what Melrich mentioned, it could be due to the boundaries which he sets. Everyone needs their own space and privacy. Thus in knowing so, it's best to ask him personally about his reasons. Once you have the answers, it would be easier for the both of you to work your way from there.

[DN]

I also agree with melrich. It's not just about pride, it has to do with changing a relationship. If he moved in with you and your Mom he would be in some way dependent and that could change the way they view each other. What now might seem friendly interest could then seem like interference. What now seems like a meal freely offered could seem like a duty.

 

You already live there so little would change for you. But for him if is different.

 

Because of circumstances, my daughter's boyfriend lived with us for a few months before they bought their own house. And I could tell how much he disliked being in that position, even though he was grateful.

 

I would not press this on him if he doesn't want it.

[Shadows Light]

Coming from someone who has done it.. it causes more problems than its worth.

 

No time for yourselves. No boundaries. And you wind up feeling like someone elses child and have no identity. AND... gosh forbid... it gets thrown in your face later that they did YOU a favor. Because no one else wanted you.

 

He's put up this long with his situation. He can do it for a little bit longer.

Find a different way.

[vandgsmom]

I have to agree.... In any situation, if there is one person in the relationship expressing any kind of doubt, then don't force it. If he is comfortable in his home situation, then let him be comfortable. I think maybe that since you feel as if you are so close to the finish line in school and can see the light at the end of the tunnel and him too that you might be trying to rush things up a little. Sounds like you two already had a plan to finish up and then move in together, or a timetable at least.... Maybe he had mentally prepared himeself for that and dosen't want to add the second unnecessary move in and all the possible complicaitons that go with it????

[Tigris]

Talk to your Mother and explain the situation to her.

 

My advice is that she provides him with a proper rent book and house rules, etc. This way he'll feel like a proper tenant.

 

I'm sure once he realises that it's going to be arranged properly he'll agree and you'll all be happy.

 

 

[OceanEyes]

It has nothing to do with pride. It is everything to do with the boundaries I want in my relationship.

 

Perfectly stated. The mere thought of living under my boyfriend's parent's roof is very unsettling. As comfortable as he probably is at your family's home, the whole psychodynamic changes once you actually live under that roof. What comes with that is a whole new set of expectations and responsibilities. Also, $100 a month is nowhere near enough money to actually set your own rules and come and go as you please (which means everything when you have your first place independent from your parents).

 

My boyfriend in high school lived with me for about 3 months. My family loved him, but it didn't work out with him coming in at 2am after going to the bar, or getting snacks late, etc.

 

When you first move out on your own, the whole idea is that you no longer have to meet expectations of parents.

[PocoDiablo]

My advice is that she provides him with a proper rent book and house rules, etc. This way he'll feel like a proper tenant.

Exactly what I was going to say. Have him sign a lease, put together some rules (I have a two page rule document which I give to renters, PM me if you'd like a copy), and let him know that this is a business agreement. I'd make it a month-to-month lease so he does not feel trapped.